IRL: a discussion with my Gf

[jhonny9546]

HI!

Yesterday my girlfriend and I were out for a bike ride and suddenly she started telling me that she felt down, because in her opinion she couldn't complete the things she had in mind. And she always think about this.


I replied that she is a hard worker and that she already does a lot, and that her work takes away so much mental energy that she has nothing left to dedicate to the other things in life.


Then, she kept asking me "Yes, but do you understand me?" "Do you understand how I feel"?

I repeated to her, are you looking for a solution and just comfort?

And she told me that I'm great when it comes to setting goals, like going to the gym, having a strict healthy diet, or other things, and I can stick to them in the long term, but she fails.
So I told her that if she wants to be more energetic, and not feel down, she should use the phone better by reducing the use of social media (which she is addicted to) and try to use that time for her own things. Start by this little change and see how it goes, and then eventually she can see the things getting done.



What would you have said/done instead?
This is a simple conversation, but if I got something wrong, what would you have changed?

 

[The Duke]

Women are very rarely ever looking for solutions. They don't solve their problems this way, only men do.

You put your Mr. Fix It hat on to solve her problem so she felt better, because thats how men do things. The only problem is that is not how women do things. Its the difference between a rational brain and an irrational brain. Some more one way than the other.

All you have to do is listen, be supportive, show empathy, and let her know you understand. No where do you need to offer a solution. A woman talking openly about her problems is how she solves them. Women talk about their problems to get close, not to solve them. In her mind, she has solved it wants she FEELS you understand her. Women are all about FEELS. Use that to your advantage.

Think of when a baby starts crying, and the mother comes to the rescue to soothe the baby. She holds it, talks to it, rocks it, soothes it, nurtures it, shows empathy, pats it and within a few minutes the baby stops crying, smiles, then craps its pants in delight! Haha

I've always said women are like children. Their natural talents are not on par with men(and vice versa), and they aren't built to run the world.

Her asking you " Yes, but do you understand me?" "Do you understand how I feel"? is all she was wanting from you. She is just looking for comfort as you sensed.

If you ever want to know more about how they think, read Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus by John Gray.

 

[BaronOfHair]

Women are very rarely ever looking for solutions. They don't solve their problems this way, only men do.

You put your Mr. Fix It hat on to solve her problem so she felt better, because thats how men do things. The only problem is that is not how women do things

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Women don't want you to solve their problems, they just want you to listen most times.

Men make the mistake of trying to solve their problems which leads to them thinking you aren't listening to them.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Protip: always default to always comforting them.

Say something along the lines of “I understand”, in other words:

 

[BaronOfHair]

Then, she kept asking me "Yes, but do you understand me?" "Do you understand how I feel"?

That was an opportune time for you to educate her on the necessity of recognizing that emotions are not hard evidence of anything https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_reasoning And that you're not interested in being around anyone who's going to regularly resort to emotional reasoning


"And she told me that I'm great when it comes to setting goals, like going to the gym, having a strict healthy diet, or other things, and I can stick to them in the long term, but she fails"

An apt reply to this would be: "As long as I'm a man and you are a woman, my approach to life will prioritize action over talking about and mulling over everything endlessly. If you want to vent to someone, do that with one of your female friends or a skillful psychotherapist, not me"

 

[jhonny9546]

So this is actually interesting!

Which are the non verbal thing, like body language, you would do in a similar situation, or maybe in a "formal" and "informal" situation?