Interesting tinder date (but might have a bf) - now what?

[BJP1991]

Hey Everyone,

Little background to give the following situation context: 5 months ago I found out my girlfriend of 3.5 years had cheated on me twice with the same guy in a single week. We broke up upon my finding out, and I have been single since. I've been as active as possible (lifting weights 5x weekly or more, spending as much time as I can with friends and family, and yes, downloaded basically all the dating apps I could). I have been on many dates since the breakup, slept with several of them, and still find myself in this state of mind where I don't really care for a long-term girlfriend, but enjoy meeting new women, building up my dating skills again (its been 4 years), and just trying to have fun, hangout, and hookup (if something serious develops, I will allow it - just has not happened). I am not opposed to a relationship, but I know I am still in a healing phase.

Just had a date last night (friday evening). I matched with her on Tinder on thursday evening, proceeded to get her number and setup a date for the next day (note: she offered to hang same night, I declined since it was 10pm and I was in bed for work the next day).

We go to a local bar, have 2-3 drinks over the course of 3ish hours and as the date comes to a conclusion (still in the bar), we begin touching and kissing in the booth we were in. I walk her to her car, and she offered to give me a ride down the block to where I parked my car. We ended up making out for like 15 minutes in her car and she tells me it is the "best first date she has had in a very long time". I maintained my cool, and told her I was glad she enjoyed it. She immediately asked me if I had a good time, and I just said "What do you think?" with a little smirk and proceeded to kiss her again for another few minutes.

Here is the dilemma - I suspect she has a boyfriend. Upon matching on Tinder, I did what a lot of guys do and finally found her FB profile, where I could see she has some guy she was with, as recent as a couple of weeks ago. During the date, she brought up the idea of going out again, so I asked what her schedule was like next weekend. At this point, she got a little nervous look on her face and gave me a vague answer about how she is helping a couple of "Friends" move out of the country and they leave in ~10 days (the tuesday after the weekend I asked about her availability). I left it at that, and didn't push the 2nd date or question it further. She said she didn't want the date to end, but she has a new puppy (she showed me photos) that she needed to get home to (which I understand and was cool about).

So I hypothesize this guy (who has a very foreign sounding name, yes I found his FB too), is moving back to wherever he is originally from.

My question is, how would you Don Juans handle this situation? She is very very pretty and has a great personality (for my liking; a bit nerdy, but in the cute way). Traditionally, I will reach back out in a couple days (so monday-tuesday) to re-initiate contact and setup another date. With her sounding "busy" for the next 10ish days, how/when would you try to setup another date? Her signals tell me she was into me, and the "best first date" is surely nice to hear (but could be the only first date in x-years due to her suspected BF). Also note: I have a vacation the coming week and will be gone until next weekend when I return, so the option of a mid-week date is not possible for me here.

Disclosure: I don't necessarily care to go long-term with the girl (given the fact she was on Tinder, while I suspect she has a bf), but she is so cute, and fun, so obviously, I want to see her again and get more physical/intimate next time.

Sorry for the long post, but it would be great to get some quality feedback if possible. Thank you and have a great weekend!

-BJP

 

[backseatjuan]

I can not believe you didn't fclose. You know you lowered your value by doing that. Why would you care anyway if she has a boyfriend or not, just fvck her. See where it goes from there, you don't really have to make her your girlfriend, do you. As far as giving you advice, I rather not, you got it going on good, don't break the vibe. But do realize you lowered your value, so don't expect things to pick up from where you left them, unfinished.

 

[BJP1991]

I can not believe you didn't fclose. You know you lowered your value by doing that. Why would you care anyway if she has a boyfriend or not, just fvck her. See where it goes from there, you don't really have to make her your girlfriend, do you. As far as giving you advice, I rather not, you got it going on good, don't break the vibe. But do realize you lowered your value, so don't expect things to pick up from where you left them, unfinished.

I already offered to take her back to my place to play darts (since the bar was too busy to play there) and she said she wanted to, but had to get home to her puppy (it was 1230am at this point). I also live in the upper midwest where it is ****ing cold and hooking up in a freezing car is never fun up here. Thanks for the feedback, but you didn't really answer anything here (yet). I see your point, and it is valid, and I will take it into consideration.

 

[backseatjuan]

I would try to setup another date in 2 weeks.

 

[R.U.G.]

Need to work on your game bro. Also, never accept a date the same or next day. Shows you have no options. You want the women to think you have many options and hard to nail down. Always shoot for 5 - 7 days in advance.

 

[BJP1991]

Need to work on your game bro. Also, never accept a date the same or next day. Shows you have no options. You want the women to think you have many options and hard to nail down. Always shoot for 5 - 7 days in advance.

With Tinder, I have had most success meeting with the girl within 72 hours. Any longer and they go with other options (every girl has 10x dudes hitting the up on a dating app all day, every day).

 

[BJP1991]

I would try to setup another date in 2 weeks.

Thanks bud, so just no contact until the following monday (as in, not 2 days from now?)

Here is what I was thinking, and you guys can let me know your opinions: I was going to text her monday/tuesday, telling her it was nice to meet her and it would be great to see her again sometime in the coming week. Any ideas on when to contact/what to say (in this specific situation) would be immensely helpful and appreciated.

Thanks!

 

[R.U.G.]

With Tinder, I have had most success meeting with the girl within 72 hours. Any longer and they go with other options (every girl has 10x dudes hitting the up on a dating app all day, every day).

Never tried Tinder, as I try to stay away from STDs, but this has worked with Match, Bumble and OKCupid for me.

 

[BJP1991]

Never tried Tinder, as I try to stay away from STDs, but this has worked with Match, Bumble and OKCupid for me.

Lol - I think you're passing a lot of unnecessary judgement on tinder, since it really isnt all that different from Bumble. The other two you mentioned are more for LTR and I agree that seeming "not too eager" makes sense then, but that's usually because the girl is more invested in the idea of LTR, vs hanging out/hooking up.

 

[R.U.G.]

Lol - I think you're passing a lot of unnecessary judgement on tinder, since it really isnt all that different from Bumble. The other two you mentioned are more for LTR and I agree that seeming "not too eager" makes sense then, but that's usually because the girl is more invested in the idea of LTR, vs hanging out/hooking up.

Agree to disagree. Been in this game for longer than you bro. However, proceed as you wish.

 

[BJP1991]

Agree to disagree. Been in this game for longer than you bro. However, proceed as you wish.

I can respect that. Any insights as to when/how to handle the current situation, in terms of next actions?

 

[backseatjuan]

Dude, do this, give it a week to cool off, contact her not this coming Monday, but the Tuesday of the week after this upcoming week. By the way, I too had the most success initiating and fvcking the day I message them on OLD sites. She clearly has some sh1t available to her, and you don't fit into it.

 

[BJP1991]

Dude, do this, give it a week to cool off, contact her not this coming Monday, but the Tuesday of the week after this upcoming week. By the way, I too had the most success initiating and fvcking the day I message them on OLD sites.

Cool, thanks dude. I will contact her on that monday instead of the tuesday, since she said that is the day she is "helping her friend move" or whatever

 

[BJP1991]

You're doing fine. So you didn't f-close, big f-ing deal. You tried to get her back and she declined. Your suspicions are probably correct about her bf. You can always message her once to say, "good luck helping with the move. I've got a vacation coming up but will hit you up when I'm back."

Yeah, but she already is well aware of my trip (we discussed it during the date). So re-iterating it would be weird/unnecessary I think. Plus, saying that doesn't really result in definite plans for a second date. Would sending something in a couple of days like "It was a pleasure meeting you last friday - would be great to see you again sometime next week!" be unnecessary? Or should I do what backseatjuan recommends and just stay NC until 10ish days from now and then do the same, but ask for her availability?

 

[R.U.G.]

If it was going as well as you say, you could had used the puppy as an excuse to go back to her place. If she's asking when you want to hang out again, that's a good sign. If it's the weekend, you could had said, it doesn't have to end right now with a smirk on your face. I think she was just looking for some strange. This helping a friend move out of the country for ten days sounds like BS. However, lean back. If she's as interested as you say, she'll reach out to you. Now, if you don't hear from her in two weeks, I'd send a text and say hey, how are you and then proceed from there. In the meantime, work on other women.

 

[BJP1991]

If it was going as well as you say, you could had used the puppy as an excuse to go back to her place. If she's asking when you want to hang out again, that's a good sign. If it's the weekend, you could had said, it doesn't have to end right now with a smirk on your face. I think she was just looking for some strange. This helping a friend move out of the country for ten days sounds like BS. However, lean back. If she's as interested as you say, she'll reach out to you. Now, if you don't hear from her in two weeks, I'd send a text and say hey, how are you and then proceed from there. In the meantime, work on other women.

Good point about going to her place, however I also suspect she is living with her bf (could be wrong). Also didn't want to risk coming across as needy or desperate (plus she lives 15 mins away, whereas my house was 5 mins down the road from the bar we were at). This response was insightful.

 

[R.U.G.]

Good point about going to her place, however I also suspect she is living with her bf (could be wrong). Also didn't want to risk coming across as needy or desperate (plus she lives 15 mins away, whereas my house was 5 mins down the road from the bar we were at). This response was insightful.

You'll be fine. Stay the course and control your frame. What a lot of men do is forget to maintain frame. That was what attracted the woman to them. Make her come into your orbit, not the other way around. It why me, AMS, Rollo Tomassi, Alan Roger Currie and others say less communication is more.

 

[marmel75]

If it was going as well as you say, you could had used the puppy as an excuse to go back to her place. If she's asking when you want to hang out again, that's a good sign. If it's the weekend, you could had said, it doesn't have to end right now with a smirk on your face. I think she was just looking for some strange. This helping a friend move out of the country for ten days sounds like BS. However, lean back. If she's as interested as you say, she'll reach out to you. Now, if you don't hear from her in two weeks, I'd send a text and say hey, how are you and then proceed from there. In the meantime, work on other women.

Not when her bf is at the house

 

[R.U.G.]

Not when her bf is at the house

No guarantee on that. Women have pics with plenty of guys. OP, Check the bros profile and see if they are in a lot of pics together. That may clear somethings up.

Gotta love how women stay loyal these days.. OP, if you do fvck with her, make sure you wrap it up. If she does have a bf, who knows who else she's fvcking with. Again, it's Tinder.

 

[BJP1991]

I guess time will tell on this one. Now that a day has passed, I’m sort of kicking myself for not asking her back to my place a second time once we were making out in the car. What really has me confused (and I don’t expect anyone here to know) is why on the date she would mention that a friend of hers found her fiancé on the app, but she accepted a date with me when she definitely has some sort of SO/bf currently.

So, even though we met via OLD (tinder) you guys don’t think it’s smart to initiate anything with her until early next week? Reason I ask is because in the past with some girls I’ve met (and hooked up with a couple) from tinder perceived my waiting a week to re-initiate contact after a first date as me having low-interest, which in turn caused them to have lower-interest in me (while the entire time I was actually quite into them).

Is contacting midweek the coming week (5days after the first date) a bad idea here? Or should I stick to what R.U.G. is saying and do absolutely nothing until the following Monday/Tuesday (10 days after the first date) and try to pick things up there?

Admittedly, I sort of wonder if waiting 10 days without saying anything is a little too long to wait (specifically due to the nature in which we met).

Anyone have success stories from online dating where they waiting 10+ days after a first date to re-initiate contact? In my experience, waiting that long has been a little detrimental, whereas waiting 3-6 days has worked in my favor. Given the context (of her seeing her bf off to another country + my 4 day trip the week before he leaves) I wouldn’t really have a chance to see her until after that anyways.

So I have two options:
1 - reach out 10 days after the first date, once the suspected bf is gone

Or

2 - do my normal routine where I re-initiate after 3-6 days from the first date and proceed to line up a second date for the following week

Thanks!