Inexperienced loser mature man

[SW15]

The following things must be changed.

1. Mindset
2. Living arrangements
3. Friends
4. Probably need to lift weights more
5. Approach a lot after doing the first 4

 

[corrector]

You are good living at home for free. Just make sure you buy a VR headset. I hear Quest 3 is coming out next year.

 

[corrector]

Another thought, in amother ten to twenty years you can wake up to a horror movie of seeing your parents age up badly and you are stuck with the home by yourself anyway. If you move while your folks are young then you can form an identity and life for yourself that does not include them. Once you all pass a certain age you will end up caring for your parents as children as ther health deteriorates because of age and you will be obligated to do so to pay back the free rent debt.

 

[Mike32ct]

Another thought, in amother ten to twenty years you can wake up to a horror movie of seeing your parents age up badly and you are stuck with the home by yourself anyway. If you move while your folks are young then you can form an identity and life for yourself that does not include them. Once you all pass a certain age you will end up caring for your parents as children as ther health deteriorates because of age and you will be obligated to do so to pay back the free rent debt.

Yes. Or if you have normie siblings, they will find spouses and possibly relocate far away. Then the lone siblingcel (who still lives home or nearby) will take care of the aging parents.

 

[SW15]

Yes. Or if you have normie siblings, they will find spouses and possibly relocate far away. Then the lone siblingcel (who still lives home or nearby) will take care of the aging parents.

As an unspoused adult, I am concerned that this could happen to me. However, I live in my own apartment and not in the same city as my mother.

 

[Pedrito0906]

As an unspoused adult, I am concerned that this could happen to me. However, I live in my own apartment and not in the same city as my mother.

Yeah that $hit concerns me, but why do I have to take care of them and forget about my life if I don't have children?

 

[SW15]

Yeah that $hit concerns me, but why do I have to take care of them and forget about my life if I don't have children?

I don't think any of us are required to do that. Both @Pedrito0906 and I are fortunate not to live with our parents at the moment.

I think it is a common concern for 35+ never married and childless men to get saddled with eldercare. The siblings with spouses tend to think they are special and that absolves them from eldercare. I believe that they are more suited to eldercare since they have greater markers of stability in their lives.

 

[Aristippus]

Sometimes little things can make a big difference. Most of the replies have covered the bigger things. I will mention something small but important. Small like putting gasoline in your car or having brakes that will stop you safely. 99.9999% of the major things can work in a car but without the little thngs addressed you still crash.

Definitely handle the big things. Also remember this. The story you choose to tell can make or break you. You are living in fear of the likely possibility that your dating history will come up at some point. Pick a true story that focuses on the positives. YES. You are picky. You won't take just anyone as your girlfriend. YES. You are focused on your school and future career. YES. You've done some casual dating and haven't wanted something serious but are open to that. YES. YES. YES.

NO. You don't have to go into detail about not sleeping with lots of women and you don't have to go into details of sexual experiences or lack of them. Focus on the good experiences you've had and do not be an open book to women. But when you occasionally reveal something, focus on your good experiences.

Stay focused on your school and career and view any women as simply practice. You went on a date and didn't hit it off too well? She was just practice. And she's another person to add to your list of casual dates. Now you don't have to be afraid of your dating life coming up in conversation.
You're a busy guy who occasionally goes on the casual date but you haven't met the right one yet. Doesn't seem so bad when you put it that way and it's true!

 

[Mazer]

This is my first time posting in this section of the forum and I thought I'd give it a try to see if theres's a difference in perspective compared to the general section. So I am 29 and I have never had a girlfriend, also never dated anyone either. The only exceptions to this is a date that I went on back in 2015 when I was 21 that resulted in a hookup and then 5 years later having oral with a girl that my friend introduced me to. I will be honest and say that the lack of experience does bother me because I can't seem to get past the fear and assumption that I will get rejected by every woman that would be willing to go out with me once she finds out how little experience I have. So I have a longstanding fear that at this point, dating for me is just gonna be an endless cycle of going out on dates and having all of that interest that she might have evaporate as soon as she finds out that I'm inexperienced, and that same outcome will just keep happening over and over again. I just keep beating myself up over it and I can't stop or shake the fact that I've missed the boat.

But it doesn't stop there though, I also still live at home with my parents and a lot of you guys will probably say that's a bigger issue than not having much dating experience, and you're not wrong. Living at home at an adult age can definitely hold a man back when it comes to his dating life since you don't have your own place to bring a girl back to, and bringing her to your parents' house to hook up when you're almost 30 is definitely gonna be a turn off. The reason I'm still living at home is solely because of financial reasons since I also don't have a job right now (I am in school though) and even when I did have a job, I didn't make enough to afford a place of my own because the area I live in has a super high cost of living, so moving out has been an extremely frustrating struggle of mine for years.

In addition to that, I also currently don't have any friends. My last friend who was the one that introduced me to that girl I had oral with moved away, and the other friends I had were lost due to other various reasons. I just feel like everything about me is a turn off and all of this works together to make me a loser because what girl is gonna want date a 29 year old guy who's jobless, friendless, still lives at home, and she would have to be his first girlfriend.

I guess the only thing I can do is try to fix these things one step at a time and hopefully things will get better. Anyone have any tips on where I should start?

Yes. You need to improve but don’t let these things deter you. I didn’t really start dating until my late twenties. One would consider me a late bloomer. I am now approaching the age of forty-five and have too much experience with women, Lol.

Stop road blocking yourself. Some members might disagree with me but I suggest in the short term, you lie. Tell them you have a job and try to go back to her place for sex if possible. This obviously wouldn’t work long term. Good luck.

 

[corrector]

OP is any of this advice helpful? You sound like me 16 years ago. Same post and same advice. My alias was Luke Skywalker in 2006 but cant find my own posts in here.

I thought it would be nicer for you. At least 30% of your generational cohort is living like you so you should feel right at home. In the 00s you would feel more shamed with that dating history and living at home then you do now.

 

[member160292]

OP is any of this advice helpful? You sound like me 16 years ago. Same post and same advice. My alias was Luke Skywalker in 2006 but cant find my own posts in here.

I thought it would be nicer for you. At least 30% of your generational cohort is living like you so you should feel right at home. In the 00s you would feel more shamed with that dating history and living at home then you do now.

I remember you

Ignore Luke Skywalker... troll

The Bible supports the idea that there are various degrees of evil angel's powers, with some powers occupying the air, in paritcularly the atmosphere - this branch of evil angels may be responsible for apperitions of the Virgin Mary in Fatima, UFO's and a bunch of light tricks and ariel magic...

www.sosuave.net

 

[corrector]

Then you will see one of the threads that was titled quest to find a gf before 2012 was eerily fulfilled. Of all the references of past experience with women she is the most widely referenced in the current alias. It shows you can write somerhing down somewhere and some love magic can happen.

 

[member160292]

Then you will see one of the threads that was titled quest to find a gf before 2012 was eerily fulfilled. Of all the references of past experience with women she is the most widely referenced in the current alias. It shows you can write somerhing down somewhere and some love magic can happen.

Congrats!

 

[needimprovement250]

Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts on my post. I want this to be a blanket reply, but I'm gonna do some individual replies too, I just didn't wanna clog up the thread with a bunch of my replies. Seems that most of you have said I need to focus on the other things first before trying to get into dating, which probably is the best thing to do since I feel like I would be throwing myself to the wolves by trying to date as-is. Some of you mentioned that I need to quit porn as a first step, which I agree needs to happen because I've been severely addicted to it since I was 12 and actually suffer from PIED (porn induced ED) since I'm so used to that type of stimulation that my di*k only works with that and will barely work during real sex. I remember that awhile back on another thread, I was talking to @SW15 about nofap and he said that there's no point in me dating until that is cured and it usually takes 3 months to recover from it and I've also heard that's how long it takes before he told me. So it sounds like the best course of action would be to focus on quitting porn and fixing everything else from my career path to my lack of a social circle in the next 3 months. So that by February, my PIED would be cured and I would be in a better life situation just in time to hopefully have some Valentines Day flings with girls who don't have a partner to spend it with. I also really need to ditch the mindset that no woman will be interested in me because I'm inexperienced in that 3 month recovery period, I just don't know how.

As for my career path, I think that I should elaborate on that some more since I didn't go into detail about it on here because I made a separate thread specifically about that in the Wealth & Success section of the forum. So the trade program that I'm enrolled in right now is for gardening and agriculture and its 100% online. And while I do like working with plants and growing my own vegetables (I was already doing that before enrolling in this) I am skeptical of how lucrative doing this for a living will be. I just don't want to be investing so much into a career where I don't make much and will be financially struggling instead of financially comfortable. Its also worth mentioning that this trade program was my parents' idea and the title of my other tread is "my parents keep gaslighting me into thinking that dead end jobs can be a career" since they did this with my past two jobs. First, I got a grocery store job during the peak of the pandemic and they said that I can work there for the rest of my life since it was a union job, then I later found out that its a dead end since you have to be there for over a decade to even get a full time schedule, in addition to the fact that they only paid 25 cents above minimum wage. Then my next job after that was as a line cook for a company who did other things besides just operate kitchens and they said practically the same thing when I was at that job. Again, I found out on my own that the line cook position was a dead end and that the company didn't even give employees in that position much consideration to move up in the company, but at least they paid 20 bucks an hour. But I later quit after they weren't paying me everything i was owed in my checks. So now I'm doing this trade program and they think that I should start my own website and business after completing the program, which is about 3 classes long. What do you guys think, will this pay off or do I need to find something else for an income in addition to this?

 

[needimprovement250]

#1 move the hell out of the expensive area.
#2 get a good job, although you're set with a trade
#3 join a sport of some kind you enjoy. It doesn't have to be football, it could be good or it could be sailing, but that's where you meet people. You could also do trivia or whatever
#4 stop beating yourself up over your mistakes. If you anchor yourself to your past you'll never go anywhere. Forgive yourself and move forward

#1 My whole state is expensive, so I need to move out of state and I'm not opposed to that
#2 My trade is not a conventional trade and I'm skeptical, see my other reply
#3 I could probably do golf or a bowling league. The bowling alley by my house has a light up sign that literally says join a bowling league and make new friends.
#4 Easier said than done, but I know. I find myself thinking about missing out on dating girls in high school all the time and kicking myself for not seeing that I was in a very good place to be successful with dating back then and I blew it.

 

[needimprovement250]

That's the girl you could get right now, but you couldn't meet her, because she is mostly at home.

I also don't think you are only afraid of not having enough experience. It has to be something that causes your life to be how it is right now.
I second the tip about moving out into a cheaper area. Maybe you need distance from your parents, since they probably have also problematic believes that caused your problematic believes in childhood?
Also forget the girls, right now you are using them to feel valuable. If you continue far enough on your journey, you wouldn't need them for that anymore, so it's only sex and companionship without this "pull". I don't know how to describe it, maybe how Buddha would have had contact with women.

I would say that I definitely do need to distance myself from my parents, but not for problematic beliefs. More so because its stopping me from growing as a person and I've found that regardless of your age, your parents stay up in your business and that definitely holds you back in adulthood. My friends actually caused my problematic beliefs in childhood because I saw a few of them getting rejected by girls, even back in elementary school with schoolyard crushes. It had a deep impact on me and I believed that harsh rejection was all that was waiting for me since i was associated with them? And I never did, and I have still never even asked a girl out or for her number to this day.

 

[needimprovement250]

Another thought, in amother ten to twenty years you can wake up to a horror movie of seeing your parents age up badly and you are stuck with the home by yourself anyway. If you move while your folks are young then you can form an identity and life for yourself that does not include them. Once you all pass a certain age you will end up caring for your parents as children as ther health deteriorates because of age and you will be obligated to do so to pay back the free rent debt.

I don't think any of us are required to do that. Both @Pedrito0906 and I are fortunate not to live with our parents at the moment.

I think it is a common concern for 35+ never married and childless men to get saddled with eldercare. The siblings with spouses tend to think they are special and that absolves them from eldercare. I believe that they are more suited to eldercare since they have greater markers of stability in their lives.

That's a very good point that I haven't given much thought to before. If that happens, you're pretty much obligated to stay and then you're stuck. You'll find yourself even further delayed in building a life and identity for yourself, so it definitely is important to get out and make a life for yourself before that happens. Not that you have to completely turn your back on them if anything ever happens, but its something that will definitely hold you back if you're still living at home during that. I already kind of see that now, I can never do as much things for myself as I would like because my parents ask me to do things for them or with them since I'm around and I feel like I have to most of the time because I live here rent free. Another thing that I wanted to highlight is that I've noticed that when a guy never dates or gets a girlfriend, his mom usually steps in to fill the non sexual aspects of female companionship. My mom has pretty much done that to me and she's made lots of remarks in passing that she's had several dreams that me and her have moved away and are living on our own. In the back of my mind, I've been worried that's the vision that she has for my future. That's why I want to start dating and find a relationship I do NOT want that to be my life, living sexless and dateless with my mom. So I want to find someone and hit the brakes on this plan she has for the future. Another thing I've learned is that when this happens and the guy finally does get a girlfriend, his mom is usually very unhappy because naturally he's now spending all of that time that used to be taken up by his mom with his girlfriend. I'm not afraid of having to put my mom through that though, it needs to be done in order to avoid the future that she has in mind.

 

[needimprovement250]

OP is any of this advice helpful? You sound like me 16 years ago. Same post and same advice. My alias was Luke Skywalker in 2006 but cant find my own posts in here.

I thought it would be nicer for you. At least 30% of your generational cohort is living like you so you should feel right at home. In the 00s you would feel more shamed with that dating history and living at home then you do now.

Yeah some of it is. I never even knew that SS was around in 2006, its been around longer than I thought! I've noticed that, around 30% of guys in my generation are sexless and its becoming more and more common for guys to be sexually inactive. I think this is due to a variety of reasons such as the dating world being changed by tech advancements like OLD and social media, neither of those were very big or widely used 20 years ago. Not to mention that it has become more common for people to live at home for longer as the economic conditions that allowed for early age independence aren't there as much anymore. It is still shameful today, don't get me wrong, but I think you're probably are right that it was more shameful back in the early 2000's. A much smaller percentage of men were sexless and people left home at younger ages compared to now. The world has changed with the rise of big tech, some of those changes being positive and others negative.

 

[needimprovement250]

Is this a troll??????
Listen OP, with all due respect.
How is she gonna know you dont have any experience? Are you going to tell her? Man does not talk about other women with women. NEVER!
She may be less experienced than you. She may even like you better inexperienced!!!!!!!
Lots of people are fake! What she is not going to tolarate is things like you com too quick and you dont iniciate. Maybe, I am not sure, there are vimpires out there.
Below I quoted your text.
"I will get rejected by every woman that would be willing to go out with me once she finds out how little experience I have."

Not a troll, I'm being 100% honest I know its hard to believe that a man could let himself slip so far, but I have unfortunately. I've heard that when women have experience (almost all do by my age group) they can pick up on a guy's inexperience and he doesn't even have to mention it because she can tell.

 

[corrector]

That's a very good point that I haven't given much thought to before. If that happens, you're pretty much obligated to stay and then you're stuck. You'll find yourself even further delayed in building a life and identity for yourself, so it definitely is important to get out and make a life for yourself before that happens. Not that you have to completely turn your back on them if anything ever happens, but its something that will definitely hold you back if you're still living at home during that. I already kind of see that now, I can never do as much things for myself as I would like because my parents ask me to do things for them or with them since I'm around and I feel like I have to most of the time because I live here rent free. Another thing that I wanted to highlight is that I've noticed that when a guy never dates or gets a girlfriend, his mom usually steps in to fill the non sexual aspects of female companionship. My mom has pretty much done that to me and she's made lots of remarks in passing that she's had several dreams that me and her have moved away and are living on our own. In the back of my mind, I've been worried that's the vision that she has for my future. That's why I want to start dating and find a relationship I do NOT want that to be my life, living sexless and dateless with my mom. So I want to find someone and hit the brakes on this plan she has for the future. Another thing I've learned is that when this happens and the guy finally does get a girlfriend, his mom is usually very unhappy because naturally he's now spending all of that time that used to be taken up by his mom with his girlfriend. I'm not afraid of having to put my mom through that though, it needs to be done in order to avoid the future that she has in mind.

Your mom would be happy for you if you find a girlfriend that you are happy with. If she is a bad girlfriend or is not trearing you right and you are miserable with her she will not want her for you. In fact, with your state of mind you would likely take anyone who is initially pleasant with you and will likely make a poor choice out of desperation. So your mom may not be wrong if she is not worth the incursion.