I'm practically a replacement..

[Jokerlsk]

There's this girl i've known for about a year. I started talking to her last year, and throughout the entire time i've met her, she's had a bf. I told myself off limits, don't worry about this girl. She has a bf: he's an athlete, he's stronger than me, and she is obviously in love with him. Me on the other hand: I'm on the math team...... I'm a musician, I'm funny, and almost the entire school likes me. I'm nice to everyone, and I'm charismatic, and people like being my friend. But that's just it. Girls only consider me a friend. I know why too, it's because i'm not sexual enough, and every time I come close to actually utilize what i've learned here, I choke and end up saying something mean by accident. It's like I coat myself with a shell of humor to protect me.

That was a little background for all of yall. Like I said, this girl and her bf have been dating for over a year, but every time they fight, it's always me. She doesn't go to me to ***** about her relationship. That's not it. That's why it's so confusing. She'll start clinging on me, hugging on me, flirting with me, everything. And it always happens when they fight. She doesn't do it to anyone, just me, and I honestly don't like it. I hate it.

Last night, me and a group of friends were out all night. We saw a scary movie, then we went to walmart. Throughout the entire night her bf called her and texted her and they are obviously fighting. She's seriously considering breaking up with him, but I don't know why they're fighting, and I don't want to know.

She didn't have a place to stay last night. Her mom was out of town and didn't want her at home alone, and her dad lives out of town. All of her gf's wouldn't let her stay there, so then she asked me. I obviously said no, because that would just be awkward and complicate things. So she texts me, and I asked her if she got home alright. We text for 20 minutes, and she is seriously scared. She calls me a little bit later and she's actually crying. Wtf am I supposed to do? I honestly didn't know what to do or say. Why did she have to call me? These are all the questions I wish i knew the answers to. She has a bf.. Call him instead next time.

I know I have no chance with this girl. I've known that since I met her. I keep telling myself that I'm not attracted to her, but I know that's a lie. I guess to prove that I don't like her, I insult her half the time just so I can justify it to myself. I don't feel like she's being fair to me. In times like these, she seriously flirts with me, touches me, and after everything with her bf is better, she'll stop. This has happen a lot in the past year, and I hate it. I don't even know how to react. Last night I didn't let it happen. It really just gets under my skin. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but I feel like I might have to. I really don't know what to do.

 

[Tazman]

You can be "friendly" with her, but push her away when she starts getting all touchy feely. Tell her you don't think her bf would like her touching on other guys. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable. Even if she gets pissed, let her, it's not your problem. Also, don't keep texting her, treat her as a casual acquaintance.

She knows what kind of effect this is having on you, women are very good at these games, but you don't want to be her emotional outlet when she's having bf trouble. At the end of the day she's going home to this guy and f-cking him, not you.

Above all, you need to start focusing on other girls or this will only get worse.

 

[slaog]

I know I have no chance with this girl.

Theres your problem.


Would a DJ say that to himself? Tell himself that a woman is out of his league?


Knock women off the pedestal and start strengthening your inner game. If you don't think you're worth it then they'll continue to like you as just a friend. Be the prize and you'll see a change.


As for the girl you're talking about, forget about her. She has a BF and theres plenty of other girls out there so look elsewhere. This girl is using you as an emotional tampon.


If people are having a negative effect on you cut them out of your life.

 

[Jokerlsk]

You're right. A DJ wouldn't say that to himself. I need to work on some inner game. I have confidence with everything besides girls. I have a lot of friends, i always have people wanting to hang out with me, I'm relatively popular, i'm smart, i'm funny. There are a lot of things going for me. But the moment a girl becomes a factor is when i straight up fold. I have to work on that

 

[drak_ool]

Second what Sloag said. You have to see yourself as a man before anybody else will.

there was something in your post that I didn't understand: you say you can't lose her as a friend. Why?
- this girl is not one of your real friends. You've only known her for a year and you hang out with her because she is hot and you are attracted to her; on the other hand, she is hanging out with you because she needs you as an emotional tampon. is that what you call genuine friendship?

-what are you getting out of this alleged friendship? Only toxic benefits, such as hanging out with a hot girl who you are attracted to, hoping against all reason that you might have a crack at it one day. What is she getting out of it? a lot of emotional support, yet she doesn't have to give you anything back in exchange.

You would be better off cutting this chick lose. But I know you won't do that, so the next best thing is to stop txting her all the time, stop hanging out with her on her terms, and NEVER agree to console her again when she gets in a fight with her bf...

 

[Jokerlsk]

I don't want to lose her as a friend because i've done that before, and I still haven't gotten over it. I did that two years ago, and i still regret it.

We don't hang out on her terms. We have the same set of friends. We just hang out. She's not always there, i'm not always there. It's fun hanging out with people...

I never have consoled her when she gets in a fight. I didn't console her over the fight, I actually don't even know why they're fighting.

 

[Jokerlsk]

bump

 

[tafakna]

Jokerlsk,

It seems that you're emotionally strong and she is attracted to that; but she also is using that to rebound everytime she has a fight with her bf.

What you do from here depends pretty much on what your real goal is. So you'd have to tell us that first.

If you wished to just keep the friendship that's as easy as keep talking to her, but establishing clear boundaries on what that includes.

Somehow though I think this can be more than just about keeping a friend...

 

[Jokerlsk]

No, you're right, Tafakna.. I am emotionally strong, but sometimes it seems like I lack it completely. Sometimes I feel like i'm incapable of caring for a girl. I even think that I'm afraid of it all together. I've never been in a relationship, and because of that I make excuses. Such as telling myself that I'm going to stay single forever, blah, blah, blah. It's made me cynical towards relationships.

This girl and her bf just broke up. She was crying this morning, but I ignored her completely. I'm not even going to ask about it. i'm not going to talk about it. I'm not, and never was her emotional tampon. The reason i said, "I don't have a chance with her" is because I feel like i've already been friendzoned, and I actually like her a lot. I'm supposed to be hanging out with her and some friends tonight, but won't it be really awkward? I don't want the situation to be brought up at all

Attraction is different for me. I can't just like a girl because she's 'hot.' There has to be depth behind it. I'm in too deep here. It's a bad situation to be in. I don't even know where to start, nevertheless, end. This situation isn't fair to me. I never asked her to hug on me, touch me, flirt with me, and all of that bs. She's literally screwed up two of my friends completely, and I know that i'm next. They were practically in love with her.

I'm not good at being a teenager. I've realized this. I'm good at making friends, but girls just.... Kill everything. I can keep conversation, i can make friends with almost ANYONE, but why can't I ever attract girls. All my friends that are girls tell me that they like me because i'm "different." because I do stuff because i want to do it, and I don't give a damn about what other people do. I don't drink because i don't want to drink. I don't party or have sex because I don't want to. I can have fun without any of that involved. People like that about me, but they don't view me as 'sexually attractive.' I'm too conservative because i'm afraid to cross boundries. I'm uncomfortable with kino even when the girl initiates it because of the way i was raised. I seriously am trying to figure this stuff out

I'm in highschool if that factors into anything. I want to change. I really do. This site helped me change a lot, and I mean ALOT. I never was this sociable and likable before I came on here, but now it's like I've hit a road block. I really don't know if i should just give up completely, continue on like i have, or actually give it my best effort. Whatever that effort is

 

[tafakna]

Jokerlsk,

I think you're underestimating yourself too much. By your very description you are very independently minded and emotionally balanced, so your already way ahead of your average poster here. Don't change that for anyone (believe me that's a turn on for women).

I've used to be just like you up until I was 19-20 years old. I was very rational and unpassionate about having a huge social life; but deep down I knew I was not very satisfied. So I've tried to change some aspects of my life: started going to the gym, tried harder to make more friends, started go to events more often.

From your post I get that deep down, you want to be successful with girls, that is you're not very satisfied in the current situation. You have the character, the only thing missing is working on becoming more attractive to the other side.

I don't like canned ideas, but you do need to work on it until you view yourself as a great catch. Girls want what's scarce and what they can't have. That's the force that is happening in your case. You're making yourself harder to get and less available so she's pushing harder. That's how it's done.

You just have to decide if you're willing to 'be in the game'. This girl is doing what every girl does. I understand from your post that her flirting and then pulling back, is hurting you. That feeling must go. You can't think 'I'm not worthy therefore I'm hurt because I got used'... You have to think 'Hey, I'm a great catch and she might have a thing for me'...

Right now all your low self-confidence is making things harder.

Good luck and keep us posted on how things are going.

 

[nismo-4]

Jokerlsk,

I think you're underestimating yourself too much. By your very description you are very independently minded and emotionally balanced, so your already way ahead of your average poster here. Don't change that for anyone (believe me that's a turn on for women).

I've used to be just like you up until I was 19-20 years old. I was very rational and unpassionate about having a huge social life; but deep down I knew I was not very satisfied. So I've tried to change some aspects of my life: started going to the gym, tried harder to make more friends, started go to events more often.

From your post I get that deep down, you want to be successful with girls, that is you're not very satisfied in the current situation. You have the character, the only thing missing is working on becoming more attractive to the other side.

I don't like canned ideas, but you do need to work on it until you view yourself as a great catch. Girls want what's scarce and what they can't have. That's the force that is happening in your case. You're making yourself harder to get and less available so she's pushing harder. That's how it's done.

You just have to decide if you're willing to 'be in the game'. This girl is doing what every girl does. I understand from your post that her flirting and then pulling back, is hurting you. That feeling must go. You can't think 'I'm not worthy therefore I'm hurt because I got used'... You have to think 'Hey, I'm a great catch and she might have a thing for me'...

Right now all your low self-confidence is making things harder.

Good luck and keep us posted on how things are going.

Keep this post in mind OP.

I gotta rep for you like I did for Slaog!

 

[Jokerlsk]

I think a lot of it has to do with insecurity. I'm very social, i'm considered 'popular' and i have great friends that i can trust. I go out every weekend, and I really do love my life. But, all of this is fake. Most people don't know the REAL jokerlsk. They only see what I show them, and that isn't fair to the people talking to me.

I started going to the gym about a month ago, but of course, I haven't seen much improvement yet. I'm pretty big, so i figure if i work at it, I'll get big eventually. As long as I stay with it.

I really do want to be successful with girls. I've just never known how. My parents raised me to be a gentlemen, and I think that screwed my mindset automatically. I've never had any success with girls.... Ever. I guess this really has discouraged me. It's caused me to give up. I told myself that I would just make a bunch of friends to supplement for it, but it just reminds me of my failures.

I'm tired of being the kid parents think their daughter should date. I'm a rule follower, I'm a conformist, but I think my best trait is that i have the ability to lead. I just don't always know how to take the reigns from someone else, and I'm too passive.

I would describe myself as a guy who will be successful with women later in life. You know, after a girl has a kid out of wedlock and is looking for 'security.' I love how fair this bull**** game of life is.

 

[Jokerlsk]

I can't stand the negativity and drama. I realized that last night. She isn't the same, and while i do like her, I can't be around her. It's just so toxic, but I don't know how to just stop being there. To completely forget about her and being her friend. It's so selfish.. I've done it before, and I regret it. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do.

She trusts me, and I trust her. This is more about friendship than anything else. But I'm not sure I want to be friends with someone who makes me feel depressed when I open my mouth up to talk to her.