I'm out of my depth:Post-ONS etiquette

[OnTheWayUp]

Hi guys,

I lost my virginity last night. It. was. amazing. I couldn't get it up consistently, but we basically did various sexual things without stopping between 5am and 12pm. Crazy. I still can't believe it.

I now want to do my absolute best to stay rational and level headed, and not go AFC/oneitis on this girl. What do you guys do after a ONS? In my situation, the chick's best friend studies in my town, so she visits about twice a month, so it would definitely be logisitically possible for us to hook up again. I really want to see her again (obviously), and I think she feels the same way from the fact that she said the same and that this was confirmed by her actions (she didn't make a quick exit, opened out to me quite a lot, a fair bit of hugging and cuddling aferwards).

What shall I do? We've exchanged numbers and Facebook details. Do I contact her or wait for her to initiate something when she's next around? How long should I wait? Shall we make fixed plans or something more vague? We slept at my place the first time: should I go to her or vice versa?

Cheers for the help people, I'm a bit out of my depth currently!

 

[SharinganUser]

You are over thinking this.

Just relax, keep in contact with her, and definitely do NOT make fixed plans. Some people might not agree, but I think seeing as how you just busted a nut in her face I think you could atleast send her a text like "hey what's up?" or relating to something you talked about. Just don't be needy and stuff when you text.

Also don't worry about who's place you go to, though since she is visiting from out of town I'd think the obvious choice would be your place.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

Thanks for the answer dude. Being non-needy (this is damn hard!) and doing things at my place sound like a plan. In an attempt to stop myself from getting oneitis, I've been contacting other girls I have in my phone today. Also, I got asked out myself by two more girls on FB this evening. They did all the initiating. Amazing how success snowballs- abundance mentality FTW!

So do I focus on maintaining some sort of contact over an extended period of time or shall I push for another meet up asap?

 

[OnTheWayUp]

Anyone?

 

[Iceberg]

So do I focus on maintaining some sort of contact over an extended period of time or shall I push for another meet up asap?

I don't really agree with the idea of texting her just to say "whats up". Then you get caught up in those long meaningless text conversations. If anything, just text her two days after and say "I had fun. We'll catch up soon."

If I had a ONS on a Friday, I'd try to catch up with the girl again the following Thursday or something.

 

[SharinganUser]

I don't really agree with the idea of texting her just to say "whats up". Then you get caught up in those long meaningless text conversations. If anything, just text her two days after and say "I had fun. We'll catch up soon."

If I had a ONS on a Friday, I'd try to catch up with the girl again the following Thursday or something.

Right. I don't disagree with this. I think the important thing is to just keep things casual and not come off needy.

I am currently texting a girl that I made out with a month ago or so. I am trying to keep in contact with her until I head back to her city in about two months. I text her about two or three times a week, and usually get a response with 30 minutes. I don't reply until about a day or two later. I am also not "pushing" her for anything. Most recently, I got a text from her and I waited over a week before replying, and when I did I said "just got back from Macau, it was awesome." She replied 20 minutes later "Cool I bet you won lots of money!" I probably reply tomarrow or the next day. If I hook up with her, great, if not, it's not a big deal, I just want to keep the window open.

Next time I am in this situation I'll use your line though.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

Yep I like the Iceberg line as well. It strikes the right balance between making contact and not seeming needy.

SharinganUser: We seem to be in very similar situations here, seeing as both our ONS's are currently not living in our cities. I'm going to aim to keep up a casual texting pattern like you, makes a lot of sense imo.

I texted the girl in question last night around 8. I made a joke based on one of our conversations in the club. She has yet to respond. In the meantime I've arranged to see another girl next Thursday for drinks. The day after I lost my virginity to this girl, I thought about her literally non-stop; it reminded me of my oneitis days last year. I'm hopeful that if I stay busy and hook up with another girl on Thursday it should help me keep my sanity.

I still find it awesome that I can pull 8s though!

 

[powpow]

I don't really agree with the idea of texting her just to say "whats up". Then you get caught up in those long meaningless text conversations. If anything, just text her two days after and say "I had fun. We'll catch up soon."

If I had a ONS on a Friday, I'd try to catch up with the girl again the following Thursday or something.

thursday? in my experience that is a little late, and if the girl has any sense of dignity at all, will certainly trigger that horrible thing we know as ASD.

I agree with sharingan here. bust a nut in a girls face, you gotta text her like sunday. sundays good. its relaxed. its easy.

you just gotta be able to read the girl that you banged? total slut? self-aware? then you gotta push pull HARD, play your game right, build anticipation, all that. the girl seems like an ok person? sunday is best. builds comfort. just keep it short, kind of open, and then hit her again when youre bored.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

thursday? in my experience that is a little late, and if the girl has any sense of dignity at all, will certainly trigger that horrible thing we know as ASD.

I agree with sharingan here. bust a nut in a girls face, you gotta text her like sunday. sundays good. its relaxed. its easy.

you just gotta be able to read the girl that you banged? total slut? self-aware? then you gotta push pull HARD, play your game right, build anticipation, all that. the girl seems like an ok person? sunday is best. builds comfort. just keep it short, kind of open, and then hit her again when youre bored.

Yep, when I read the suggestion of waiting a week, I had to say that I thought that was a little excessive as well.

Still haven't heard back from the girl. Here's my read of her: she's 21 (I'm very nearly 21), says she lost her v-card at 20 after doing nothing but oral in a 4 year relationship, then admits freely to having several ONS's since then. Strikes me as having higher self-esteem than 90% of the girls I've dated without being egotistical, self-conscious of a (very slight) tummy, otherwise happy with her body. Has sexual experience, but is not as obviously slutty as other girls I've dated. Unfailingly very warm and positive, which again is unusual- most of the girls I've dated have had occasional mood swings or have negged me to a greater or lesser extent. Doesn't drink, smokes a bit at parties. Socially and intellectually intelligent (she speaks 4 languages fluently).

If she doesn't reply, I'll wait for a week or so for her to reciprocate, then contact her again in a similar non-committal way. A friend of mine has been having great success getting 2nd dates with ONS's via FB chat recently, I might try that. This whole thing is complicated by the fact that she doesn't live in my city, shame.

Sound good?

 

[Iceberg]

Waiting a week to SEE her. Not wait a week to contact her.

That's why I said that I'd text her 2 days later to set up a date a few days after that. I wouldn't recommend banging a girl for the first time and then not speaking to her for a week. Might send the wrong message....

 

[NoCommitments]

Don't disappear for a week..that's stupid! A couple days is good..not the next day!!
With situations like this I always send a text or vm relating to an inside joke we shared or something that was silly & made us laugh...for ex I sent this girl that was at my house last week a text "hey crazy. I had fun & btw u drank all my liquor" which was a runnning joke we were enjoying that night.
This makes them reflect on the fun parts of being with you..& ur not coming across serious or needy

 

[iliketennis]

nice work man. you seem to be thinking about this the right way. i agree with the people who say stay in contact but don't be needy. if she visits town every once in a while this is a perfect chance for you.

in conversations with her, try to often go back to sexual tones/innuendo and sex with you is what she'll think about when she thinks of visiting.

 

[Deadly_Ripped]

If I was in this situation, I would assume that if she wants me, then the next time she's in town she'll get back to me. Women with high self esteem don't want to be with men who think about them often.

If this was me, I'd do what you did - a quick text a day or two later, and then drop it for a few weeks. Then out of the blue I'd be like "what's up when are you going to be in town again?" or something like that.

Good luck, but assume it's over and act for your own amusement, not to desperately try to get laid. Assume you really wouldn't enjoy sleeping with her again and it'll make things seem clearer, like when all of us give advice from our desk chairs.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

Yep, I think we all basically agree on:

-being non-needy
-brief text contact 2/3 days after the event, leading to a meet up 1-3 weeks later (the exact times in my case are on the long side because of where she lives)
-continuing to date around

I have to say I'm pretty pissed off she hasn't bothered replying. We did get on very well and had a lot in common besides just the physical side of things (or so I thought). We both speak multiple languages, are interested in politics, are musical, started our sex lives relatively late, are positive people etc etc. The fact she stayed the night, that we didn't sleep because we were constantly talking/ fuking, did it multiple times, took a shower together in the morning and went to brunch together is all testament to the fact that we got on very well.

I have no intention of letting this stall my growth as a man (more dates and gym sessions/ college work will fill next week easily), but I'm not going to pretend that this doesn't annoy me. Perhaps I overestimated our "connection" because it was my first time? Looks like I'll have to contact her again in a couple of weeks if I don't hear from her by then.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

Update: just got a nice long FB message which said very little of substance- it was based on a couple of jokes that we made when we hooked up. I know she could potentially meet up as soon as Thursday (she told me this last week), should I push for the meet right away or keep up a basic level of contact until she's next in town? Man I'm rubbish at this whole post-sex game, need more practice I guess

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

Update: just got a nice long FB message which said very little of substance- it was based on a couple of jokes that we made when we hooked up. I know she could potentially meet up as soon as Thursday (she told me this last week), shall I push for the meet right away or keep up a basic level of contact until she's next in town? Man I'm rubbish at this post-sex game, need more practice I guess

Yes. If a girl is agreeing to meet you for sex, then why push it off? For the sake of playing games? If the goal is to have a fun, exciting, sexual relationship with a woman, then the goal has been achieved. No need for extra game playing / making her wait / etc.

Just meet her Thursday and have some fun. It's not like you guys are being clingy, seeing each other every day.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

Yes. If a girl is agreeing to meet you for sex, then why push it off? For the sake of playing games? If the goal is to have a fun, exciting, sexual relationship with a woman, then the goal has been achieved. No need for extra game playing / making her wait / etc.

Just meet her Thursday and have some fun. It's not like you guys are being clingy, seeing each other every day.

Fair enough, if it's that easy! I just don't want to come off as needy or as if I have nothing going on in my life apart from her (both in terms of other prospects and hobbies etc). In that case I'll see if I can meet her for a drink on Thursday and see where that takes us.

Man this is fun. Now that I've had my first time, I think the floodgates are going to open.... lol

 

[Iceberg]

Fair enough, if it's that easy! I just don't want to come off as needy or as if I have nothing going on in my life apart from her (both in terms of other prospects and hobbies etc). In that case I'll see if I can meet her for a drink on Thursday and see where that takes us.

Man this is fun. Now that I've had my first time, I think the floodgates are going to open.... lol

The only way you'll come off as needy is if you guys are talking everyday, sending cute messages to each other every hour. If all you're doing is checking in every couple of days, arranging a new meet-up, you'll be fine. Where guys go wrong is when they take a new prospect and start flooding her with texts and phone calls every day. She's not your girlfriend yet. You don't owe her constant contact.

But you're already aware of that. So that puts you ahead of the game, right?

 

[OnTheWayUp]

Completely agree. There's no way I'd consider this girl my gf based on one night of (albeit very good, fairly emotional) sex. I'd go further and say that the fact that she doesn't live in my city means that an eventual relationship is very unlikely, barring some bizarre stroke of fortune which involves us meeting again in a few years' time. I feel no need to constantly talk to her, and the fact that she got back to me after two days rather than two minutes makes me feel that she views things the same way. Hopefully we can enjoy the occasional night of pleasure together whenever she's in my city. I'll text her tomorrow evening to see if she's up for drinks.

Thanks to everyone for the advice. It's incredible thinking how far I've come in the last 6 months with your help.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

Just sent her a fairly direct message asking her to meet for drinks on Thursday, and then saying that if she can't make it she should let me know when she's next in town. The direct approach has worked so far (never have I had to play so few games with a girl/ jump through hoops to make progress), so I'm hopeful. If she's not keen, I'll be disappointed, gotta be honest, but there are plenty of other hot girls who live closer to home, a couple of whom have asked me out themselves recently.

It's amazing how losing the v-card has boosted my sexual confidence. I was already a confident guy, but giving that confidence a sexual/ flirty edge has never come easy to me. I've had 3 girls today already start flirting with me without me really trying to do anything special. It's like the whole virginity episode last week has lifted a massive burden off my shoulders. Awesome.