I'm a fvcking child

Die Hard

Master Don Juan
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#1
I just always need to have the upper hand over girls and can't get over my foolish pride. For example, a while ago some girl gave me her number and I decided to WhatsApp her a few days later, but she just ignored it. A week later, I texted her again and she ignored it again. Buyer's remorse I guess, or maybe she had a boyfriend, whatever...her reason doesn't matter. But to me, it feels like I'm being direspected hard. I don't care what other people think about this behavior...to me, someone staying silent when I talk to them on WhatsApp, feels the same as sthem staying silent when I talk to them in real life.

Imagine someone stands in front of you, you talk to them and then they just ignore you without saying something back? Major disrespect, right? Well, I feel the same when someone does that on WhatsApp. So I feel the need to do something back lol. What I do, is remove her as a contact in my phone. I have WhatsApp set up to only show my profile pic to my contacts, so when I remove her as a contact she will nog longer see my picture (still able to see when I'm online, still able to send me messages, just not able to see my pic). It's sort of a passive-aggressive act of mine. In a way, very childish but at the same time it does make me feel better. Feels like I stood up for myself or something... Like I didn't allow someone to just treat me like shyt without fighting back. I guess it feels like a little kid who gets bullied at school and decides to fight back, even though he's no match for the bullies anyway and they'll steal all his lunch money ANYWAY haha. But at least he stood up for himself!

Another girl was really into me at a party, did some hot and steamy grinding on the dancefloor, she acted very interesting in conversation and gave me her number before I went home. We started texting and pretty soon she asked me how old I was, turned out she was 13 years younger than me. She became distant after that so I simply asked her if she wanted to stay in touch or not. She responded "that depends on your intentions, coz the age gap between us is beyond what I find acceptable". I tell her: "How many different kinds of intentions can you think of? Let's be clear, I'm not intending to be just friends haha" She responded that she's tired and can't think right now....

Pretty much sounded like she lost interest (saying the age gap is too big) but at the same time it seemed like she hadn't completely made her mind up yet (tired now, can't think. Seemed like she had to thik about it). But whatever, bottom line is: I asked her if she wanted to stay in touch and she didn't give a clear answer. I just can't accept that, I can't handle being in that situation. I mean, she wanted to end the convo and go to sleep without giving a clear answer. So that means I would have to wait and hope that she would contact me in the days coming? Or maybe she would never contact me again and I would keep hope. Like some fvcking dog waiting all day at the front door, hoping his owner will come home and feed him.... I cannot deal with that, I'd rather break off contact myself then, at least that way I have closure knowing that this bytch and me are through. So I told her "Alright, I won't text you anymore from here on then. When you understand that age is just a number and you want to get in touch with me after all, then let me know."

Afterwards, I felt like a loser saying that. As I explained earlier, I hate being the one who has to wait for the other... It's very much possible that she would rethink everything "Hmm, I did have a good time with him and was attracted to him when I didn't know about his age yet. Kinda stupid to write him off just because I now know that he is much older than me, why would it matter? If I find him attractive I find him attractive, right?" Perhaps she would decide to get in touch after all. But man, I just can't accept being in that situation where I have to be waiting and hoping for her to decide that she wants to see me. It feels like I'm going down on my knees and asking a woman to marry me and then just sit there looking up to her hoping she will say "YES". That vulnerable situation, as if your fate rests in her hands, I despise it.

It's fear of rejection, really... I always want to be the one who decides over the fate of others, not the other way around. I want to be in the position where I decide whether to accept or reject her, I can't handle a position where she decides whether to accept or reject me!!

So after that text convo ended, I also felt like removing her from my contact list. Even though there was a chance that she would make up her mind and get back in touch with me, I wanted to show her that I was "gone" by deleting her contact and thus my profile picture not being visible to her anymore. It's this urge inside me, hoping that she will wake up the next morning, open her WhatsApp and see that my picture is gone, I hope it makes her feel like "Damn, he's gone.... Stupid me, I liked him and had a great night with him, he looked attractive, he acted attractive and he made me feel good, but I decided to focus on his age and now he's gone..."

I fvcking know that these are beta thoughts and that it shows a lack of inner game. I even recognize that this is a dynamic that I experienced with my mom when I was a little child, it's a behavioral pattern stemming from childhood which becomes activated in my interactions with women as a grown-up. But even though I know all this, I just can't get rid of it.

I mean, shyt... sometimes I can control myself and not give into such urges but overall it influences my behavior a lot and I feel like I've lost many opportunities with women just because this stuff pops up inside of me. In a way, I'm a BPD myself... They're afraid to get rejected by a guy so they reject that guy before he can do it to them, even though he's not planning to reject her at all! So they ruin their "relationships" out of a fear of getting rejected, they're constantly executing pre-emptive strikes.

Well, I have often times ruined my chances with women out of a fear of getting rejected, even though perhaps the girls weren't planning to reject me at all. I'll never know though, because I decided to eject from the situation before I could even be rejected.
That's what I always do.... I need to know that I have her, that she likes me, that she's into me... I need to be certain of that, I need her to confirm it. If I get a slight notion that the situation is otherwise, I pull up my guard and have my finger ready to press the eject button. I can't handle uncertainty... Does she like me? Will she text me back? Will she accept my offer to hang out together? With all those questions, I am depending on her reaction. And when her reaction takes too long and I have to stay in that uncertainty too long, I'd rather eject from the situation altogether, break contact with her myself. At least I know what I've got then and it was MY decision, I am in control, even though the outcome is that I'm alone lol.

Basically, this means I suck at handling shyt tests then. There are times when I do handle such situations well, but it takes a lot of effort because that urge to eject is so strong. So I can handle them, but it requires a lot of restraint....... When women shyt test me, I tell myself "She is acting disrespectful. Sure, I can choose to pass her shyt test, it will take me some effort but I can do it.... However, why would I allow someone to put me through that? If I decide to pass her shyt test, I'm basically playing along with her game. Fvck off! Who is she to impose her game on me and what a fool am I if I go along with her game?! I won't do it! She can stick her shyt test up her azz!! I'll withdraw myself from her completely now, she has lost me, I won't pursue her at all now, goodbye!" And so I delete her number, write her off and forget about her. I tell myself "See, bytch?! That's what you get for fvcking with me! I liked you and you could've had me, but you drove me away and now you don't have me. It's your own fault, now sit on it!"

I know this is all projection. Why would I get so riled up about a girl I hardly even know? Or even girls who are not that pretty, say HB6.5 or something. Why do they stir up so much unrest inside of me? It's not really because of them..... I'm just projecting a childhood psychological conflict I had with my mom onto these bytches. It's really just the re-experiencing of the continual conflict I went through with my mother as a little kid. I'm reliving that shyt, only now that bytch from the club is substituting for my mom.

I need to grow the fvck up..... Sometimes I cringe from my own behavior and want to kick myself in the nuts... I am disgusted by my own weakness and failure to live up to my own expectations. But I can't get it under control....
 
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Howiestern

Master Don Juan
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#2
I just read your first paragraph and let me tell you this... I get a number at least once a week. Most of the time they don't amount to anything. The ones that give out their number and never reply back after your text/call do so because they don't want to make you feel bad on the spot when you initially ask for it. They choose the path of least resistance. They will give you the number almost every time even when they have no intention of talking to you ever again because it keeps them from feeling hurt when they refuse to do so and the average guy gets angry. Its keeps any awkwardness, angry-ness, altercation, etc from happening. She stays safe that way and you go away happy.............for the moment. Once you are out of her face she doesn't care. She can block you when you blow her up and she doesn't respond.

Accept it for what it is. Don't take it personal. She is not interested.. Women are very covert/inderect communicators. They don't want to hurt your feelers and thats why they do what they do. Men lie about accomplishments...........women lie about their feelings for you.

Get a bunch of them lined up and none of this will matter.
 

LARaiders85

Master Don Juan
Joined
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#3
Well, I have often times ruined my chances with women out of a fear of getting rejected, even though perhaps the girls weren't planning to reject me at all. I'll never know though, because I decided to eject from the situation before I could even be rejected.
I'm not saying you don't have abandonment issues from childhood because you know better than anyone, but the situations you described here were pretty clearly actual rejection from these women. They are not in anyway examples of what you're describing as a pattern. It's almost like what you're doing is pretending like you walked away too early to pretend like you had the power to walk away early when in fact they already made the decision...very insidious but also come for the place where yes you want to act like you have the power.

Anyway, a few decades in the game of push pull will give you issues regardless haha. You just have to find your Center and choose your battles a little more carefully if the harsh realities of the situation are starting to wear on you. Protect your heart and only go after a very high interest, forget about the numbers game for a while. There is nothing particularly normal about this game.
 
Joined
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#4
Mate,

First and foremost concentrate on yourself. Don't escape into hobbies, do what you have to do to make everything better for you.

Get real with women as well - 13 years old younger woman won't date you unless you are really hot and somewhat rich, keeping up with instragram and posting tons of photos from your exotic travels.

If you don't have resources and time to do it (like me) orient your life about making your life better, increasing quality of your life, earning more money, making serious plans showing that you are mature.

Don't get fixated around the thought that your future spouse will be for sure a model - look at Elon Musk or DiCaprio - they are very succesful and Amber Heard pretty much jumped in and jumped out of their beds just to get tons of media attention. Both of them fall for her as well (foolishly as DiCaprio is well too old for her and Musk too goofy) and got burned.

You need to find someone that matches you, completes you somehow. Not only 'looks good' unless you are after STR's It's waste of time and resources really.

Preselect. Getting number from every woman around you that looks good is a waste of time.
 

mrgoodstuff

Master Don Juan
Joined
Aug 27, 2015
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#5
Lie about your age if all you want to do is fvck. It sounds like she was down till she heard an age. How old do they think you are? Maybe 5 yrs older than them? Lie about it.
 

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Spaz

Master Don Juan
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Jan 14, 2018
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#6
It's good that you're able to look within and admit your shortcomings.

Change always starts from there.

Apply new stronger life principles now to bury your past. The past won't go away but it can be overcome with new principles.

Just remember when each time a new principle is broken by your childhood programming, re strengthen it with another new principle atop the last one.

Repeat and cycle the process until your childhood programming is unable to rear it's ugly head - when tested.

It can be done. Just put your mind, body and spirit into it.
 

Die Hard

Master Don Juan
Joined
Nov 15, 2009
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#9
Thanks for the responses, guys. Much appreciated!

Just remember when each time a new principle is broken by your childhood programming, re strengthen it with another new principle atop the last one.
Can you be more specific and explain this with an example perhaps?
 
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