I need help

[ebracer05]

I hope this is the right place to put this... if not, I'm sorry. I really need some help from you guys though.

I met the girl of my dreams. It's a long distance thing and we've been communicating every day since July. We Skype every Friday night. And I flew out to meet her for the first time over this past thanksgiving. Things had been going excellently, like an amazing dream. She was so affectionate, so endearing, so everything. And I was too.

I'm not really sure what happened. She's been VERY aloof since I got back home and things are totally different. She is very non communicative and when she does communicate, it doesn't have nearly the same amount of emotion or expression in it.

I probably came on too strong over the weekend, but she had been giving me so much feedback. I told her I was falling in love with her (I guess that was a mistake), and she asked me how I could know that when we didn't really even know each other. I feel this intense connection with her, and from what we had been writing and saying to each other, I thought she felt the same way. She kept telling me she felt the same way I did. She said she'd be my girlfriend though. And then I started asking her what we were going to do, living 2500 miles away or something like that. Write letters to each other for the next 5 years? I said something about possibly moving out there if things were still going strong in a year to finish up the last of my coursework for medical school.

Guys, I know everyone says this, but this girl is the real deal. Everything I've ever wanted. The last day there, she told me I had been missing the "details" in life and hadn't been catching the little things she'd been tellign me and asking her about them. I found out it went further than that though... she's 21 years old and about ready to graduate from medical school, I'm 23 and not going to start for 2 more years. I had an amateur music career I always dreamed would go pro, and she was a legitimate professional performer. There's been some jealousy and insecurity. And she knows it.

Like I said, since I got back, she's been very aloof and hasn't hardly communicated with me at all. But I haven't been firing back smothering her with communication. What in the world should I do? She hasn't said anything to me all day today, and this has never happened before... I have to get this fixed... what in the world should I do?

Please, any help would be appreciatte.d.. and I would be more than happy to provide more details if you would like.

 

[ebracer05]

something else important... i'm supposed to go visit her again 2 weeks from today.... i'm so freaked out she's going to call it off

 

[Borknagar]

Dude, you're developing what we here call oneits, and it's even worse since there's a distance issue. And it sounds like you got it pretty bad, this is a pretty typical case. What would I do? Well to be honest, I would go out and meet more women, meet more people, and work on myself, you obviously got the time to do so since you're not really spending time with her. Make yourself unavailable, go on other dates etc. I'm not the greatest at advice to be honest when it comes to long distance things. but definitely put some other women on your mind, and I'm not talking about just one. You're putting her on a pedestal, you can't do that! That's the worst thing you can do! There are other women out there, sure most are screwed up, but there are.

To put it bluntly, I would go out and get my **** wet, hahaha

 

[Iceberg]

I hope this is the right place to put this... if not, I'm sorry. I really need some help from you guys though.

I met the girl of my dreams. It's a long distance thing and we've been communicating every day since July. We Skype every Friday night. And I flew out to meet her for the first time over this past thanksgiving.

So you've been talking every day since July to a woman you just finally met last week?

How is this the girl of your dreams? You just f'kin met her. Leave that fairy tale stuff for the Disney movies, man. Love just does not work that way. It doesn't.

Things had been going excellently, like an amazing dream. She was so affectionate, so endearing, so everything. And I was too.

Of course everything was going excellently. You just met.

I probably came on too strong over the weekend, but she had been giving me so much feedback. I told her I was falling in love with her (I guess that was a mistake), and she asked me how I could know that when we didn't really even know each other.

Of course you came on too strong. You're desperate and needy. I know I said this earlier, but you seriously act like you watched too many Disney movies. Women, in real life, do NOT react well to all this lovey-dovey stuff. Especially so early on. They want a challenge. Just like a woman who gives up sex too easily will eventually bore a man, a man who gives up love too easily will bore a woman. There has to be something to chase. And you just handed it over to her for free.

And then I started asking her what we were going to do, living 2500 miles away or something like that. Write letters to each other for the next 5 years? I said something about possibly moving out there if things were still going strong in a year to finish up the last of my coursework for medical school.

If you're spending hours skyping some women you just met over the internet, then you obviously have little going on in your dating life. So now you have a woman, after probably spending most of your life without one. So you're all excited and it's new and great....but in reality you're just acting like a desperate little man. You found a women who will tolerate you, and now you're holding on for dear life.

Guys, I know everyone says this, but this girl is the real deal. Everything I've ever wanted.

Good for you. As desperate as you're acting, I'd wager good money that you'd be saying this about any woman who shows you attention.

What in the world should I do? She hasn't said anything to me all day today, and this has never happened before... I have to get this fixed... what in the world should I do?

You should probably develop a life where your highs and lows aren't revolving around a woman. A life where you're too busy to be skyping with someone everyday. But you seem to be incapable of that.

 

[WhatdoyoumeanAIDS]

Wait....she's 21 and about to GRADUATE from medical school? Why does this sound like a lie...

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

Wait....she's 21 and about to GRADUATE from medical school? Why does this sound like a lie...

Yep. This story sounds a little over the top.

If he knows this site well enough to come to it for advice, then he knows the kind of advice he's gonna get about some girl he's "in love with" after just meeting her last week.

But whatever. Let him dig his own grave. We'll find out after a few posts if he's a troll or not.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Start reading the DJ Bible immediately.

You made several mistakes, but don't worry, this site could well be a stepping stone for a better, stronger you.

Borknagar is right. You have oneitis and it's deadly. In short, all your eggs are in one basket, and invariably when that is the case a guy will start acting weird and scare a girl off. You have got to get her off your mental pedastal and realize that there is a world of abundance out there when it comes to chicks. It probably seems that this is not the case, but you, my friend, are currently stricken with a mental disorder (oneitis) and simply cannot see reality. Don't worry... we have all been there, and we are here to help you.

Do whatever you can right now to spin more plates (talk to and date more women. If you do online dating, make more contacts NOW. If not, then get out to your usual venue and start gaming or start doing day game. You have got to discover abundance right now.

You already know you made a mistake by telling her you were falling in love with her. You scared the living daylights out of her when you said that. She saw you with less self-dignity, she had a legitimate concern with the question "How can you be in love with me", because you ARE NOT in love with her, you are in love with the situation, with the way having a girlfriend makes you feel. She knows this on a deep level though she probably can't articulate it. Too much, too soon. And it gave you an air of desperation which is very unattractive to a woman.

Take this to the bank:
The girl must always be the first one to say I love you. This is nature at work. You MUST cultivate the attitude that she is a guest in YOUR world, not vice versa. You gave her too much power and she didn't even want that power. You should have been engaged in building tension within her. You released it all and rendered the relationship flacid, like a deflated ball by using the "love" word.

Then you scared her away even further by asking her "What are we going to do?" about the distance. You made it a HUGE, insurmountable issue in her mind. First, you are the man. You are in charge, and that's what she wants. She needs to be led. So when you ask "What are we going to do?", she immediately perceives that you are not in control and confident. A women is a mirror, a reactor. Whatever you say, whatever words and phrases you use, she will pick up on and amplify.

Lesson 2:
When you want to implant an idea or thought into a woman, just talk about it with confidence and authority. She has no ability whatsoever to avoid absorbing that and making it her own. This applies to good, positive things as well as bad. I'm trying these days to get the newer guys here to notice that a woman copies a man she likes, and that she will start to parrot back the very same phrases, words, and even thought processes that you present with confidence. She makes them her own because a woman gets all (not some, but all) of her social cues from external sources. They are incapable of thinking for themselves and they spend their lives internalizing outside thoughts that make them FEEL good. A wman has an external locus of control. A man should have an internal locus of control.

Lesson 3:
You mention jealousy and insecurity. Attraction killers.

In summary, it looks like she wanted to make it work but there was way too much insecurity there. The only thing you can do is to back off and to see other women. The AFC will rebel against that, but you need to do it because it is your only escape fomr that sick, horrible feeling that I know is in the pit of your stomach.

Be the man. Start to allow certain women into your world as guests if and when you decide. Royal Flush has it right... be irrationally self-confident and ****y, even if you don't feel it.

Prepare to write this long-distance romance off if necessary (and I hate to say it but it probably will be), and use this painful experience and this site as a springboard for growth. We are here to help. Sometimes our advice seems harsh and direct, but pity does a man no good at all.

My friend, YOU are who counts now. Not her, not the relationship. Do what is best for you. You desperately need to stabilize yourself and immunize yourself against oneitis. You need to get your eggs out of that one basket. Leave one egg in there but expand your horizons. This long-distance lady will notice the difference in you, but once you start manning up you may just lose interest in her. These long distance things rarely work out anyway. You would be constantly wondering what she's doing (and who she's doing it with).

Right now, look at the bottom left of the forum page and start reading the DJ Bible. It wouldn't hurt to read Pook's "Kill That Desperation", too.

I wish you all the best.

 

[ebracer05]

I appreciate the responses... I was expecting some of the castigating ones, but I particularly liked Atom Smasher's response.

Guys, I'm telling you, I have to get this fixed.

You can call it oneitis or whatever you wish... and if I was out trying to become this master PUA, I would say it was a bigger issue. I've watched a lot of Deangelo's stuff and most of RSD's... I understand a lot of the theory behind this stuff and how I blew it. I get that.

We have castigated the new user enough. Yes, I was an AFC. I put her on a pedestal. I was insecure, I wuss, wimp, idiot, did everything wrong, praise the Lord, amen.

Now how am I supposed to fix this.

I have dated plenty in my life. I met this girl on eHarmony and think she's the only girl I've ever met I could genuinely see myself marrying. I've never said that before to or about anyone. I'm not looking for just a relationship, I'm looking for an eventual wife. I'm in a committed relationship with her, so what am I supposed to do, go out and cheat on her?

Seriously, I need help fixing this. I'm not a troll. I'm just in a bad spot and really don't know where else to look for advice.

 

[Atom Smasher]

You really are in a bad spot. You can't even recognize and appreciate when someone takes a significant amount of precious time trying to help you.

I and others told you exactly how to fix this but your pride turns legitimate help into perceived castigation.

Your insecurites are over the top and are blinding you to what is actually going on. You'd better re-evaluate son because you're headed for a significant crash and burn.

 

[Fuglydude]

something else important... i'm supposed to go visit her again 2 weeks from today.... i'm so freaked out she's going to call it off

I would call it off before she does man... save yourself from a bad situation, pull back and regroup.

As atom smasher said ebracer, you're caught between a road and a hard place. You have a bad case of oneitis in a long distance relationship... that's a pretty crappy place to be man. Relationships take time to develop and grow, and they do take compromise, communication, understanding and work. All of these things are tough to do online. Females also equate emotional intimacy and sex... so unless you're phucking her in all her holes and blowing a load on or in her, you're definitely gonna lack that element. I'm not a believer in long distance relationships unless they're an open relationship where you can screw other people when your significant other is absent.

I can already tell that you're probably gonna get hurt... I'm sorry to say it, but unless you recognize and take action now you're gonna crash and burn as Atomsmasher said.

 

[Ease]

Guys this is a troll.

As a med student i can tell you that you cant graduate at 21 in any country. Also, what is med school coursework?

I ruined the fun on this one.

 

[blueline]

Yeah, I was about to say there is no way in hell she's a graduating med student at 21.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Yes, I got the feeling it was a troll but I figured it was a good opportunity to document one of my mental eruptions for the benefit of any new guy who happens across it.

 

[Iceberg]

Yes, I got the feeling it was a troll but I figured it was a good opportunity to document one of my mental eruptions for the benefit of any new guy who happens across it.

Well, I'm sure someone out there read your advice and appreciated it. Even if this guy is faking it.

 

[ebracer05]

I'm sorry I reposted my initial thing. she justt called. we broke up. so

thanks for your time.

 

[ebracer05]

and i would like to remphasize i wasn't being a troll. everything i said was true. i'll take what you all said to heart

 

[ENIGMA16]

Top Tip: If you think she's going to break it off, she's going to.

 

[ebracer05]

I tried to take everything Atom Smasher and the rest of you said to heart last night. Particularly about oneitis, confidence, being the man, leading, giving up my power, ect. I'm sure I didn't do everything right last night, but I must have done enough right. I got the relationship back last night and feel like I have a much clearer head about things. We'll see where it goes from here. But its time to do things differently. Thanks so much for your help.

 

[LuisGarcia10]

Look;

You cannot, possibly be in love with someone you have met once. Real life is not the script from Love Actually.
Do you know how stupidly easy it is to appear the nicest, best person in the world over the internet, or skype? You try meeting this girl for months on end, and then you may possibly be in a position to slightly feel that emotion in her.
I appreciate what you're going through, as I've been there but thankfully to a far lesser extent. You just have to realise it's your brain reacting in a werid way. It's not your true emotions, it's just what you're deluding yourself into believing.
Simple as that.
And finally, she's 2500 miles away! There will be girls 2.5 minutes away from your house probably as good as her, why the hell waste time with someone that distance away? And uproot your entire life on a girl you have met once?
Lunacy. I hate to sound harsh but that's what this is. Utter lunacy.

 

[amoka]

This...

I'm sorry I reposted my initial thing. she justt called. we broke up. so

thanks for your time.

and then this ...

I got the relationship back last night

What's that supposed to mean? You're back together moments after breaking up?