I need help from my fellow DJ's

[SoSuaveDJ123]

So yeah, I've been with this chick for almost exactly 5 years now. We're both 23. I'm not looking to get engaged/married for at least another couple of years, so we are still bf/gf.

For the first 4 years and 6 months of our relationship, everything was for the most part fine. We had this dynamic where she thought the world of me at all times. She treated me like a goddamn king and made it a point to call me the best bf ever, etc etc. We also had this thing where we called each other every single night before bed without fail, and talked and then most of the time fell asleep on the phone together. I know, I know, browsing these forums has shown me how bad that was.

So fast forward to the last 6 months. Her parents moved to another state. She still lives here, but goes there during the holidays. In fact, she's there now and has been since Christmas. During the past 6 months, the following has happened:

1. She doesn't reply to my texts quickly anymore; in fact, she goes hours/ sometimes a whole day without replying
2. Her sex drive is like nonexistent now
3. We BARELY talk on the phone at night anymore
4. We barely see each other anymore. She doesn't make an effort to see me.

Now, mind you, she still tells me the I love you and all that stuff all the time. But being that women are judged by actions and not words, I'm confused here. One night I tried to get to the bottom of her laconic ways, and we got into a fight and she called me "needy" and "too clingy". The next day she apologized, but it rang in my head.

From there on, I browsed these forums and I have tried it all, fellas. I tried competitive anxiety by getting these girls to flirt with me, but all it did was have her become VERY MILDLY annoyed. I went NC for about 4-5 days, and all she did was confidently pursue me until I answered, and when I did, she acted like nothing happened. WTF? She didn't even acknowledge the fact I went NC on her.

I don't know what the **** is going on, but I'm going crazy here. Due to the circumstances of race and religio, I can't quickly go and find another girl. This girl is my first love and I don't know what he **** to do anymore. It's drivinge nuts. I wanna grab her by the shirt and scream at her and ask what the **** is happening, but according to this site that's the LASt thing I should do. But I feel as if going NC and just ignoring her and not smothering her will make her fall out of my grasp even more....

I just want her to be head over heels for me again. I never beta bAckslided, guys. I was always a challenge and was always alpha. Idk what the hell went wrong. Can anyone please give me advice here? Should I go NC again? Grab her by the shirt and say all of this to her?

It's almost like she's an alpha female. It's crazy.

 

[alphamailman]

1. She doesn't reply to my texts quickly anymore; in fact, she goes hours/ sometimes a whole day without replying
2. Her sex drive is like nonexistent now
3. We BARELY talk on the phone at night anymore
4. We barely see each other anymore. She doesn't make an effort to see me.

Now, mind you, she still tells me the I love you and all that stuff all the time. But being that women are judged by actions and not words, I'm confused here. One night I tried to get to the bottom of her laconic ways, and we got into a fight and she called me "needy" and "too clingy". The next day she apologized, but it rang in my head.

It's almost like she's an alpha female. It's crazy.

She is a fraud.

 

[makdaddy]

NC is primarily for breakups when someone ultimately decides they are better off being single/finding someone new. Sometimes it works in getting two people who missed each other back together. There are other cases in the early stages to grab attraction (showing the girl you have a life that doesn't revolve around her).

1. This is your first relationship
2. You both are in your early 20s (for girls they will question if their man is "the one" and there's a lot of growing up to do)

If she called you clingy and I mean not in the cute way, then you are in big trouble my man. Going NC in your situation will not work! You are interpreting the rules wrong.
She knows who you are in and out. If there's no apparent reason why she's behaving this way (like a previous argument that wasn't reconciled) then odds are something is causing her interest level in you to plummet.

It could be you and or her. The best you can do is work on the former. Be the best you can be and hope she won't want to let you go.

What is she looking for in a guy. Can you tell?
Now, do you fit that criteria?

Things you might want to improve on
1) Having a social life outside just your gf
2) Finding hobbies to do on your own and others to do together (if you need to spice things up)
3) Live a healthy lifestyle (diet and exercise)
4) Work on your romanticism
Yada yada go look up another site on tips on improvement and.regaining her interest level

Only you know what you need to work on. Try to look for hints in her tone and body language when talking about relationships and the future.

These next few will be challenging for you. Don't fail if she's worth keeping lol.

 

[SoSuaveDJ123]

But how? So NC is NOT the way to go? ARGHHHH!!!!!!!!

I don't understand what I should do to regain interest level.

Come to think of it, I actually believe me doing NC the last few days has made her resent me.

 

[makdaddy]

Sorry I had to add more. Lol you read faster than my Swype text

 

[SoSuaveDJ123]

But then why does Rollo advocate NC in the following article?

http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/the-easiest-way-to-revive-a-flagging-relationship/

I'm lost here....

 

[Plutoman]

But then why does Rollo advocate NC in the following article?

http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/the-easiest-way-to-revive-a-flagging-relationship/

I'm lost here....

Just a friendly correction - that is Roissy. Rollo is rational male. I'd suggest reading that - he has some excellent material.

Regardless, I wholeheartedly agree with the entire latter part of makdaddy's post. Get yourself your own social life, work out, develop your life. It sounds like you've dedicated too much into this relationship, and into her, and she can feel that.

And, if you do these things - you'll find life a lot easier if the relationship goes south. You'll find it easier to meet others, new girls. At 23, you've got a heck of a lot of time left to yourself. I know it's easier said than done, but I got out of a ~3 year relationship not all that long ago, lived with her for a year and a half. The first while is hard, but once you start improving your life, especially your social life, you'll see the benefits.

 

[makdaddy]

Isn't it obvious? You are not an alpha male (yet :])
The author is pretty spot on, but you might have missed a few things.
Look at his warnings cautioning you to pay attention to your girl's reaction.
Your girl is pretty much saying I could care less.

It's because she thinks in the next few days nothing with you has changed.
Theres no level of excitement or curiosity.

 

[SoSuaveDJ123]

Well then what should I do? Create it?

This is why I figured going complete NC would work in the first place.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Are you thriving in the other personal areas of your life? (School, work, hobbies, health, etc)?

 

[SoSuaveDJ123]

Yes I am....

 

[cfdagola]

You are stressing way to much over this and you're looking for some quick fix. Some magic pill you can swallow for all this to go away. And as your desperation deepens you're gonna start to blow her phone up. Push contact on her more and beg the question of why.

At that point you'll probably develop stalker tendencies and she won't even recocginze you. I've see this transition many times.

You need to back down. Slow things a bit and just focus on other things like others have said. Get a social life other than this ONE person. Hopefully if things end. You'll understand why you shouldn't cut ties with the rest of the world just cuz you got a girlfriend

 

[irocknike23]

I am not as experienced as the other DJ's here...but here is what I would do:

Do to her what she is doing to you..and by that I mean, dont be the one to hit her up first, have her hit you up with a call or text.

After 5 years in a relationship do you have any friends left? Any by friends, I dont mean people you occasionally say hi to, I mean dudes you can hang out with and go places and do stuff. IF you do, then start doing stuff with them, dont put her #1 in your life anymore because clearly she is not putting you #1 in her's...and most importantly even if you are going insane, dont let her know it...pretend like it doesn't even phase you anymore and you are just having a good time kicking it with your friends and doing your hobbies.

IMO if you do all that, then 1 of 2 things will happen:
1)She will notice that you are not calling her and texting her as much, dont really make plans to hang out and she can see you are having a good time with your friends...this will driver HER insane(instead of you) and when she had enough she will let you know and that is when you can tell her that what you are doing is a direct reflection of her actions.
OR
2)As you begin drifting apart, she will do the same, you guys will go for a while of not talking and seeing each other then she will give you the break up talk. If this happens, then it was already meant to happen. Because from what I read in your post, it already sounds like she is backed out of the relationship and you are the only one trying to make an effort of keeping you two together.


I could be wrong, but to be honest it does sound like she wants to break up with you. Being together 5 years she does not want to just say it out of nowhere so she is doing it by baby steps by slowly detaching herself from you.

 

[Sofomore]

Sorry to read this, looks like things are coming to an end for this relationship and you are in denial.

Look back on it. You got comfortable and revolved your life around this one person. Sounds like you let the important things in your life (friends, hobbies, etc) slip from your fingers. It's ok man I've done it also.

Your girl has lost interest in you. Pretty soon you are going to get in a "fight" and she will say things are not working out for her. This fight is pre-planned with the intention of saving you some pain. She is probably too nice to just sit you down and end it.

Instead of turning into crazy stalker mode and obsessing over it, spend an hour thinking about what went wrong and how to avoid this.

Good luck dude, it's rough the first couple weeks but surround yourself by your friends. Hopefully you haven't burned all your bridges. If so, take it as a learning process.

Also, take the time to read and process what advice were giving you. Don't be too arrogant to ignore what we have to say. Peace.

 

[HalfPUAHalfAFC]

She's ready to break up with you. The poster above who said she has a pre-planned fight is correct. Now, she might be totally committed to breaking up, or she's just wondering if she's missing out on other c0ck out there (you've been together for 5 years, since you were 18).

It's probably over. But, here's your hail mary pass if you want to try to salvage it:

You: Hey babe, I can tell you are not feeling it in the last few weeks/months. You know, I think we should take a break. I have some things I need to work on to.


Her [hamster goes freaking wild]: What?? NO!!! I'm fine. How can you do this?

You [hold your frame and flip the script on her]: I have certain needs and expectations about my life and at present things just seem, well, not right. I need some space to get some priorities in order. Let's get some time and space between us and when things are more settled in my life, perhaps we can continue seeing each other with a stronger foundation (or some such BS).

And then you leave.

Go no contact.

She will wonder WHY AND HOW COULD YOU DUMP HER??!!!! She was seeing you as the loser and herself as of higher value. So, you change it all around, leave, and make her rethink her opinion of you, herself, and the relationship.

If she doesn't come back, she was going to dump you anyway.

If she does, then it can continue on your terms.

Also be ready for your phone and facebook to blow up.

DO NOT get into an argument. Do not text back and forth. Do not go passive agressive with your facebook postings.

Just walk away. Give it a month or two. Then see if its worth revisiting.

In the mean time, spin more plates and work on yourself.

 

[Sofomore]

She's ready to break up with you. The poster above who said she has a pre-planned fight is correct. Now, she might be totally committed to breaking up, or she's just wondering if she's missing out on other c0ck out there (you've been together for 5 years, since you were 18).

It's probably over. But, here's your hail mary pass if you want to try to salvage it:

You: Hey babe, I can tell you are not feeling it in the last few weeks/months. You know, I think we should take a break. I have some things I need to work on to.


Her [hamster goes freaking wild]: What?? NO!!! I'm fine. How can you do this?

You [hold your frame and flip the script on her]: I have certain needs and expectations about my life and at present things just seem, well, not right. I need some space to get some priorities in order. Let's get some time and space between us and when things are more settled in my life, perhaps we can continue seeing each other with a stronger foundation (or some such BS).

And then you leave.

Go no contact.

She will wonder WHY AND HOW COULD YOU DUMP HER??!!!! She was seeing you as the loser and herself as of higher value. So, you change it all around, leave, and make her rethink her opinion of you, herself, and the relationship.

If she doesn't come back, she was going to dump you anyway.

If she does, then it can continue on your terms.

Also be ready for your phone and facebook to blow up.

DO NOT get into an argument. Do not text back and forth. Do not go passive agressive with your facebook postings.

Just walk away. Give it a month or two. Then see if its worth revisiting.

In the mean time, spin more plates and work on yourself.

Yes, THIS is the correct way for this situation to unfold. Unfortunately, I know how the OP feels. He is obsessed with her. No way he will break it off himself and "just deal with it". This girl is his life and he can't imagine himself without her.

OP- if you want to salvage this relationship you need to break up with her. No other "tactic" will work.

 

[SoSuaveDJ123]

Should I tell her I'm going to break up with her and then Do it? Or just go NC for weeks without saying anything and make her think "WTF"?

I remember shark said once that telling a girl you're going to do something is lame, and just to do it...

 

[Sofomore]

Should I tell her I'm going to break up with her and then Do it? Or just go NC for weeks without saying anything and make her think "WTF"?

I remember shark said once that telling a girl you're going to do something is lame, and just to do it...

You should just do it instead of telling her that you are. Meaning you sit her down and say what the poster above said.

If you just go NC for weeks she will do something out of spite. You need to end it THEN go NC.

If she truly cares for you, she will come running back. But you MUST hold your ground. Do not immediately take her back. Girls want what they can't have. And right now she can have you. Change that- and SHOW it.

 

[irocknike23]

You should just do it instead of telling her that you are. Meaning you sit her down and say what the poster above said.

If you just go NC for weeks she will do something out of spite. You need to end it THEN go NC.

If she truly cares for you, she will come running back. But you MUST hold your ground. Do not immediately take her back. Girls want what they can't have. And right now she can have you. Change that- and SHOW it.

^this.

Dont make the same mistake I made, when a girl feels like she has easy access to you, that will make her not want you. like the other poster said, women want what they cant have

 

[rhythmic]

She's ready to break up with you. The poster above who said she has a pre-planned fight is correct. Now, she might be totally committed to breaking up, or she's just wondering if she's missing out on other c0ck out there (you've been together for 5 years, since you were 18).

It's probably over. But, here's your hail mary pass if you want to try to salvage it:

You: Hey babe, I can tell you are not feeling it in the last few weeks/months. You know, I think we should take a break. I have some things I need to work on to.


Her [hamster goes freaking wild]: What?? NO!!! I'm fine. How can you do this?

You [hold your frame and flip the script on her]: I have certain needs and expectations about my life and at present things just seem, well, not right. I need some space to get some priorities in order. Let's get some time and space between us and when things are more settled in my life, perhaps we can continue seeing each other with a stronger foundation (or some such BS).

And then you leave.

Go no contact.

She will wonder WHY AND HOW COULD YOU DUMP HER??!!!! She was seeing you as the loser and herself as of higher value. So, you change it all around, leave, and make her rethink her opinion of you, herself, and the relationship.

If she doesn't come back, she was going to dump you anyway.

If she does, then it can continue on your terms.

Also be ready for your phone and facebook to blow up.

DO NOT get into an argument. Do not text back and forth. Do not go passive agressive with your facebook postings.

Just walk away. Give it a month or two. Then see if its worth revisiting.

In the mean time, spin more plates and work on yourself.

This is definitely the play, don't be creeping on her online profiles or anything. DO the NC challenge, get her out of your skull, you'll be much better off in the long run. It will probably hurt like hell at first, but a lot of guys here have been through it, ask them if they feel better or worse for it.