I need HELP!! ASAP

[salinechow]

Calling all DJ's!!

My oneitis reached out. Said She" Loved Loved Loved the song I sent her. And asked me how I'm doing!" She waited a day to respond.

I have sent semi beacon messages over the 2 years. Invited her out. Connected modestly through text and facebook. Its been subtle and months in between each. She always responds, but usually its very light.
Part of me thinks I broke her heart as much as she broke mine. She is cautious, more than dismissive.

I want another shot at this.

I have done all the work we have all come here to find. I have had every variation of woman interaction. I am in the best shape of my life. I have come leaps and bounds ahead of my old thoughts of what I could be. Maturely, professionally, romantically. I can interact with her and NC again if I need to. Yet, I just want us to do us again.

Help!

I have only loved 2 girls in my life. I have had relationships and mini marriages. I have had one night stands and FB's. I have had girls come and go and stay. I have 3 solid plates. I have had flat leave walk aways. I feel like I can handle it. I NC for 4 months with her, to calibrate my life and emotions.

But I do love her. I know I do.

I want to get her in front of me. Meet her for a drink, and use what I know I have with her+ what I have learned.

I cant share every detail cause I need help quick.

Do I respond:

Lightheartedly and casual, waiting a day or 2 to get back. OR, do I lay it on the line and get authentic.

Both have worked for me before. Yet, even with indifference of outcome, I want my best shot.
Im obviously a little of balance.

I want: A meeting in person. A glass of wine close to her place. And Ill DJ that sh!t from there. I can keep the frame, I know I can. I even did mostly when I was with her.

How do I work my way into that.

I know this girls rhythms. Her IL just went up guys.
Its Tues night. She just got back from vaca. She is hard worked and lonely. I know she is looking for the ME in ME. What now.

Last bit to help you help me.

She once told me" I dont like compliments" " I want confidence and passion"

Cliff notes:

We dated for two months. It was amazing. She got sh!ty and I ghosted. She is the reason I found SS. That was 18 months ago.

She loved me like I have never felt. Everything. And, Im way better now. I know I can plug into this girl, and I want to.

She is one of the most shy people I have ever met. She is VERY susceptible to pressure of any kind. But I do know she likes to be lead. She loves a mans man, with some smarts and heart. She just takes a while and wine to warm up.


Even if I bomb and blow it again, or she tools me. I will be way better off. Ill know she helped me care less about every interaction I have had. I just left another girl flat with this mindset. Only, good can come from this, so long as I get the shot. I think I need your opinions on

HOW. ?

 

[salinechow]

Im thinking of sending a polarizing message back. Like its any another girl.

" Im well. Lets get together and we can tell eachother all about it. Ill be in your area( she lives about an hr away) next Fri night. Lets meet by you around 8"

Thoughts?

 

[Asmodeus]

Saline... Do not do it man. You are a wise dude too from what I have seen you post, you should know better. I can tell you why it is a bad idea, but you already know.

 

[Asmodeus]

She went ****ty and ghost on you... You think she is going to change? You reignite this, do you not think that passion you originally had will not erupt again? You are already reminiscing about how she loved you like no other. How are you sure you will not fall into that trap again? Do you think you can actually temper your emotions around her?
What good can come from getting a shot? Being with a girl who tossed you to the side like rubbish and went ghost on you? Think she will not just do it again?
You can do what you want to do... It is your life, your choices and yours to make with your own will...
Just watch out for the traps, and realize that the kink she put in your armor is still there.

 

[salinechow]

I cannot express my appreciation for your quick responses @Asmodeus .

Yet, I truly feel equipped to handle her, us, this. Because its gonna be inside my frame. Also, in hindsight, I ghosted and NC her. I "knew" tehn I needed to. I trusted myself at that time, with the help of SS, that it was the right move for ME then. Yet, Im thinking now, like I stated, I hurt her as much as myself. I knew I loved her, more than I felt in almost 20 years. I knew somewhere, I couldn't handle it. So I disappeared. Then so did she. I went first.

Im gonna be honest. Id enjoy the pain if it came again. Certainly, that's not a desire. But, Id take that over the lack of try any day. Cause pain, I know. I have dealt with much more sh!tyness for others, thinking, If Im gonna put up with it, Id rather just put up with it from her. "IF"

I know I got this girls bullseye. Yet, I need to cross the river to get in front of her. That's what I need help with. Or at least opinions before I choose my own course.

If I fail, I will be NO worse off. I know that. In fact, I will be better. I really feel no risk of lose here, except inaction! That's why I reach out.

In all your understanding, maybe even giving my own advice back to me, help get me in front off her. Ill handle the rest.

Ill man up either way.

 

[salinechow]

Look, I dont care if this girl makes me make SS my f^ck!n homepage. Id rather loose her again to failure of action than p^ssy as$ inaction.

I just need some strong responses to get myself in front of her. Ill get her into hers. I did it before and Ill do it again. (Just need to meet her close by her house)

Im just unsure if I should go for the slow building convo through messages, get her on the phone, or just polarize her with a suggesting meeting to catch up. ( Tried once in July and she didnt make it. Family weekend. Posted pics. I dont think she would have come anyway, but I wanted to go balls to the wall then, just like I want to now. ) BUt , maybe she needs a little softer approach because of how shy she is.

 

[Tenacity]

I'm lost as to what you need help with. Are you asking for someone here to tell you if you should talk to your Ex or not? Are you asking for someone here to tell you HOW to talk to your Ex?

I forgot who said it, but someone from this forum once said that "DJ'ing works best when you don't think about it that much". Listen man, just make sure you are striving to the be the best you can Looks wise, Personality wise and Finances wise, from there, continue playing the field.

Some girls are more difficult to manage than others, just based on their personality or insecurities or a variety of other issues. If you want to talk to the girl, talk to her. HOW you should talk to her is based on YOUR individual personality, if you ask guys on here HOW you should talk, they are only going to prescribe their personality to you which makes no sense whatsoever.

Talk to her and keep meeting/talking to other women as well. If it works out with her, great, you will be with the girl you wanna be with. If it doesn't, great, you now have free time to devote to finding the girl you wanna be with.

Do not over think this.

 

[Jack Hensy]

are you there?

 

[teebear]

Your desperation and neediness are jumping off the page at us. Do you lack self-control completely?

 

[dustmuffin]

How was she ****ty? Has she changed? Are you looking for validation from her that you changed and now are worthy of her pus sy? Move on, you can do better. If my ex wanted to see me I would say h ell no. There is a reason it ended. Why? If you must ask her out with a future kick to the balls just ask her out....If she says no or gives excuses there is your answer. Why go back for a second slice of humble pie? She kicked you to the curb. Spend your time on women that actually want to be in your company.

 

[salinechow]

I really do appreciate the care and quick responses from all. I knew no matter what the responses, they would help me.
Okay. I framed up a bit here now. Had to sleep on it.

Im already overly invested. In a tiny little message no less. Ridiculous. I just had a quick hit of those old brain drugs.
Love is a funny thing. Yes, I do love her. Not ashamed to say it either. Regardless though, heres my thoughts.

My best bet is to treat this situation like I would any other. Go after what I want. Say what I want to say. Hope for the outcomes I desire, be indifferent if they are unrealized.

I am very busy the next couple of days. Professionally and socially. I am booked solid through next Tues.

If I can get her on the phone I have a strong shot to parlay that into a meeting next weekend.

So, Im gonna send her a message tomorrow.

"Hey,(name). Glad you loved it. Knew you would. I have been great. Looking forward to getting caught up with you too. Call you this weekend sometime."

If she answers Im in. If she calls me back, im in. If she doesn't respond at all. O well. If she texts an excuse without a reschedule, Ill say nothing. O well. Glad she liked the tunes.

 

[GeniuzKhrist]

Never tell them when you're going to call. You say your busy until next week, but i know if she asked to meet up you'd go full Yakuza and take a pinky by the sound of your desperation with this girl. Its so simple here man, you ask her to meet up with any device, in any way shape or form. ****ing put on your confident pants and take the answer, wether its one you want to hear or not. Ask her, ask her, ask her.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

you're too desperate, you have no chance. Whether psychological issues are the chicken or the egg of your desperation, I think you're going to go through some serious down time once she rejects you. This desperation is a manifestation of something totally unrelated to this woman.

He can get indifferent if he breaks the oneitis. Talk to other women, and identify within himself that she is no special snowflake. That his senses are working over drive and making a mountain out of a molehill..

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

" Im well. Lets get together and we can tell eachother all about it. Ill be in your area( she lives about an hr away) next Fri night. Lets meet by you around 8"

The other guys are gonna flame you if you do this. But hey, you are strong enough to face the person who caused you to come here and that's a lot more than most guys here can do so kudos to you brotha. Plus this stuff gives me hope of a brighter future if this DOES work out lol.

As to your question, the quoted portion above seems like the best way to me, but remember this:
DON'T overthink anything. You coming here to make a thread might be a sign of a weakness or flaw in your character or masculinity. Don't show that to her. Don't even HAVE that with her, or with anyone in general.

Anyway, you got this bruh. You fixed yourself up better than you were before, you are willing to hurt yourself again for her (i personally dont believe that men should even get hurt over this though. But thats just me lol), and you have a better mindset. You know what they say: shoot for the stars. You got this man.

 

[fastlife]

Love is a funny thing. Yes, I do love her. Not ashamed to say it either. Regardless though, heres my thoughts.

No you don't. You love the idea of her. You dated this girl for 2 months--you haven't seen her when you've been together 4 years, she's on her period, both of you are a little bored, you're stressed at work, her intriguing shyness has turned out to be a sort of empty coldness, there's a cute coworker that comes by your desk and flirts with you, she's more interested in binge-watching Netflix and listlessly checking her social media than connecting with you.

This is coming from a total romantic. Trust me--been there, done that. Still do it from time to time (except now I'm aware of it). You've made her the prize, but she'll never live up to your conception of her.

I'll go ahead and give you your best response: "Come over." What she does with that'll tell you everything you need to know. Text it and forget it.

BTW sounds like a clone of the last girl I caught feelings for (we had a fling for a couple months that ended a few months ago). Her aloofness and glimpses of something sweet and vulnerable underneath totally hit all my emotional buttons (probably partly because of my relationship with moms lol) in all the right ways. Plus, you've been through the whole Cluster B thing, right? And this girl is 'safe'--she seems the total opposite (except you're still in subconscious intimacy-avoidant, find a blank canvas to project things on mode).

You owe it to yourself to be radically honest with yourself and to exist within your frame. You're in lover la la blue pill fantasy land, and it feels damn good--but be make sure to keep your feet on the ground. Strong chance if you finally meet up with her she won't be what you remembered; and a strong chance if you do somehow end up getting together with her she won't be what you projected her to be in the first place.

 

[salinechow]

I box. Heres my analogy.

Which fight is always more interesting? The original bout or the rematch?

I got her once, and we lost eachother once. I see no reason me and her cant try it again. I am not whatsoever afraid to lose again. I am way more frightened to retire without trying, if she'll agree to the fight. I am actually pretty confident that I can use the same qualities about me that landed us once, but take what I have learned to get her to chase me this time. Actually,( big if) if she thinks that she has some control over this thing with me, it will play in my favor. She will be less shy to meet.

Part of me thinks, part of the reason she has been aloof is because I broke her heart just as much as she broke mine. It took me awhile to realize that. I ghosted on her first. And, I rejected her efforts because they seemed disingenuous at the end.

You guys have me pegged. For the most part. Yes, I am weak and vulnerable when it comes to this girl. I have heart for her. BUT, like you said, that doesnt mean I will act that way when in front of her, or with her.

Just because I have shown those beta blue pill tendencies for her, to you all, does not mean I will show it to her. No matter how much my heart leaps inside, I know I can DJ autopilot my interaction with this girl right up to her bedroom and into her heart again. I know I will. I just got to get in front of her.

You know what, whats great about this whole community, no matter what, I know, win or lose, Ill still be part of this community. I also know, that you all would rather me win. Right now, one moment at a time, a win is a meeting. Ill take it from there.

Help get me in front of her. Keep those kinds of suggestions coming.

Dont worry just yet about her breaking my heart again or me bombing the date with some beta blue pill bullSh1t. Ill handle that and be sure to report whatever happens. Im not worried about future pain or success. Im worried about not getting in front of her. I want a rematch.

Revised message back:

"Glad you loved it, I knew you would. Im doing really well. Lets get together and we can tell eachother all about it. Im super busy so lets do next weekend. NYC again? Or is closer to you better?"

Also, I feel already like I lost a little steam taking this long to respond. Yet, some of you are saying wait the week and just ask her out next weekend for that weekend? This could work too.

Id like to think I am attempting to be calculating and precise as opposed to "overthinking" I think sometimes, trying to resurrect and old flame comes with a little more thought and planning then your average dating formulas. Maybe thats wrong?

Thanks, sincerely. All of you. I get balanced reading your authentic responses. Its all good counsel.

 

[salinechow]

you're too desperate, you have no chance. Whether psychological issues are the chicken or the egg of your desperation, I think you're going to go through some serious down time once she rejects you. This desperation is a manifestation of something totally unrelated to this woman.

He can get indifferent if he breaks the oneitis. Talk to other women, and identify within himself that she is no special snowflake. That his senses are working over drive and making a mountain out of a molehill..

@PairPlusRoyalFlush There is some truth to this. I know what I am. I practice radical honesty with myself daily. Again, though, the desperation I showed here, is quite different than anything I would show her. No what else I know, this particular wouldn't respond to blue pill beta sweetness anyway. So even if I felt like that, I wouldn't let it out. I knew that with her the last time around. After she told me she loved me though I started to unwind. THAT will not happen again. No way. Last time, I was under only my navigational skills. Now, I have spent 18 months completely recalibrating my entire outlook and behaviors with woman, work, social life, etc etc. Last time, I didn't have SS. I WAS nearly completely blind. No, Im not fixed. Yes, I have a lot of work still to do, emotionally and psychologically as well. Insecurities and all. Yet, I am literally 1000 percent better than I was then, or any other time in my life for that matter, in large part to this community. I can go round 2 with her.

I am desperate for the chance to try, not the outcome of that. Validation? Yeah maybe it is. So what. Im not looking for my interaction with her to validate me as a person or even how far I have come. I am willing for that validation to show me maybe how much work I still have to go. Like I have said, Id rather the pain if there will be, as opposed to not trying it because of fear of getting hurt.

@mrgoodstuff Come on man. Just because I deframed and showed some desperation, insecurities, and oneitis doesnt mean I have forgotten everything. Im seeing Tinderella tonight for at her place. I have my FB. I seeing fitness chick this week. I have other plates spinning. Its not that with me. In fact, that's partly it, I land other chicks pretty well, and pretty regularly. And Im not gonna stop either. Its just in the last year and a half, I still haven't enjoyed anyone as much as I enjoyed this girl.

@fastlife You are right. All the more reason to get in front of her. Im pretty sure shell not add up to the idea of her. Cant WAIT to kill those thoughts. Gotta experience it though. In fact, the sex was never that good. Again, all the more reason I want to try it again. Id love to say again that she is a sh!tty lay. This way, I can stop thinking it was me that sucked. Come a long way since then.

 

[marmel75]

Dude, just be like Frozen...

"Let it go....let it go...."

You are not getting anywhere with this woman. You will not be banging her. Stop wasting time and energy on unproductive behavior. Think of it like your job. You get paid to get sales. You have the opportunity to go to a new area where you might be able to generate sales or you have the option of staying in the same area where you have already talked to everyone, got the door slammed in your face and got told no, and did not generate any sales. It's unproductive to continue working in that area.

You are being far more productive going to a new area(aka talking to new women) than you are continuing to try and get sales in an unproductive area(uninterested women). When you view this as a sales job, you see the right decision to make is a no brainier.

Stop wasting time in unproductive areas and start working on new sales in a different area...

 

[mrgoodstuff]

@PairPlusRoyalFlush There is some truth to this. I know what I am. I practice radical honesty with myself daily. Again, though, the desperation I showed here, is quite different than anything I would show her. No what else I know, this particular wouldn't respond to blue pill beta sweetness anyway. So even if I felt like that, I wouldn't let it out. I knew that with her the last time around. After she told me she loved me though I started to unwind. THAT will not happen again. No way. Last time, I was under only my navigational skills. Now, I have spent 18 months completely recalibrating my entire outlook and behaviors with woman, work, social life, etc etc. Last time, I didn't have SS. I WAS nearly completely blind. No, Im not fixed. Yes, I have a lot of work still to do, emotionally and psychologically as well. Insecurities and all. Yet, I am literally 1000 percent better than I was then, or any other time in my life for that matter, in large part to this community. I can go round 2 with her.

I am desperate for the chance to try, not the outcome of that. Validation? Yeah maybe it is. So what. Im not looking for my interaction with her to validate me as a person or even how far I have come. I am willing for that validation to show me maybe how much work I still have to go. Like I have said, Id rather the pain if there will be, as opposed to not trying it because of fear of getting hurt.

@mrgoodstuff Come on man. Just because I deframed and showed some desperation, insecurities, and oneitis doesnt mean I have forgotten everything. Im seeing Tinderella tonight for at her place. I have my FB. I seeing fitness chick this week. I have other plates spinning. Its not that with me. In fact, that's partly it, I land other chicks pretty well, and pretty regularly. And Im not gonna stop either. Its just in the last year and a half, I still haven't enjoyed anyone as much as I enjoyed this girl.

@fastlife You are right. All the more reason to get in front of her. Im pretty sure shell not add up to the idea of her. Cant WAIT to kill those thoughts. Gotta experience it though. In fact, the sex was never that good. Again, all the more reason I want to try it again. Id love to say again that she is a sh!tty lay. This way, I can stop thinking it was me that sucked. Come a long way since then.

Why do you think you enjoy her and she's not treating you as you are special or placing as much priority as you do on her?

 

[salinechow]

Why do you think you enjoy her and she's not treating you as you are special or placing as much priority as you do on her?

Look, I am the first person to admit that alot of all issues and dealing with women and our relationships with them is all based in psychology and brain chemistries. Yet, there is a saying.

"Its like love, you cant explain it."

I could tell you all day long about the grand canyon, what chocolate tastes like or what Navy Seal training is like. Yet, some things just need to be experienced to feel or fully understand.
I dont know fully exactly why this girl has me feeling the way she does. EXACTLY why i like it.

And how is it that we know she doesn't pedestal me and our interaction to her friends? I could never know. I might never find out, even if I do get with her again.

I just see no harm in trying it with her again. Id love some ideas to help me frame a way to get her out.

As it stands now, I am starting to think to just call her next weekend. If she doesn't answer or respond. Thats plenty answer for now. If she answers and does not agree to a date, there's another answer. Her shyness is my wild card. She might WANT to answer buts gets real nervous. She might even want me, but is to nervous about what that might feel like again. Yet, like someone said, I just cant control everything.

Her shyness:
On our first date it took her the better part of an hour to even speak. She was the most shy nervous person I ever met. This was after talking on the phone for almost 2 weeks some conversations lasting hrs and hrs. That night we hung out in the city for hrs. I ended up back at her place, 45 min drive away and spent the night. After that, we burned hot, but it always took her a little bit to warm up. She is just shy of her own feelings and somewhat her sexuality. She loves doing it, she HATED talking about it at all. She was a great at flirting emotionally and intellectually but hated compliments, romance and sexy flirting. She just wanted to do it. She always needed a little booze to to open up. Not a ton, just some.

I guess this also needs to be said. She lives a little over an hr away. Hence another challenge of just telling her to meet up.

Im already growing weary of overthinking this. Id love some ideas for sure, but here I go again, thinking and not acting. I hope you guys will continue to weigh in with ideas given the information, but at some point Im just gonna call her or message her and see what happens. Hopefully she is emotionally and physically horny for whatever reason. If not o well. Ill try again some other time.