I just got married, then my Ex reached out...

[DarwinTaurus]

I guess my whole point is this: either he needs to tell his new wife everything, and since they’ve only known each other for six months, who knows how she’ll react or what kind of boundaries they’ve set, or he needs to decide whether to just keep it to himself.

I told my wife what happened, I let her read the e-mails. I was being transparent with her.

 

[Solomon]

Why bother to respond if you are married and have no plans of seeing your ex again?
Your ex most likely heard through the grapevine you were married and shytested you and you failed miserably
She wanted your attention and validation and got it
Even if you didn't meet with her the fact that you responded with "Im married blah blah"
Was good enough
Women will pull shyt like this, to see if they can push the boundaries, ego boost, validation etc.

In life you will have occasions where an ex girlfriend, ex booty call, ex fwb will come to try to come back. I've learned long ago that the initial chemistry, spark, whatever you wanna call it will never be the same, and it's best to move on, unless you trying to go for a one off and those go south as well sometimes and isn't worth it. I got a chick who I hooked up with 7 years ago, she will try to match with me on the apps but why give a ghost another chance?

 

[The Duke]

Why bother to respond if you are married and have no plans of seeing your ex again?
Your ex most likely heard through the grapevine you were married and shytested you and you failed miserably
She wanted your attention and validation and got it
Even if you didn't meet with her the fact that you responded with "Im married blah blah"
Was good enough
Women will pull shyt like this, to see if they can push the boundaries, ego boost, validation etc.

In life you will have occasions where an ex girlfriend, ex booty call, ex fwb will come to try to come back. I've learned long ago that the initial chemistry, spark, whatever you wanna call it will never be the same, and it's best to move on, unless you trying to go for a one off and those go south as well sometimes and isn't worth it. I got a chick who I hooked up with 7 years ago, she will try to match with me on the apps but why give a ghost another chance?

My take on it has always been, if I can help someone I cared about get over their issues a little easier I will.

Random broads you hooked up that caused drama certainly arent deserving.

It's not always about giving someone another chance.

 

[zekko]

If you don’t want any contact just don’t reply and I’ll leave it there. I will completely understand bay of course.

There's your out.

 

[Solomon]

My take on it has always been, if I can help someone I cared about get over their issues a little easier I will.

Random broads you hooked up that caused drama certainly arent deserving.

It's not always about giving someone a other chance.

Well said Duke

It's not just drama but also random broads who ghost you (I'm talking about ones you smashed) in my experience, you give them another chance, they will ghost again. I know sosuavers will say well hey at least you getting poon, but as a man you gotta have boundaries and standards. Some women aren't worth the "Boomerang"

 

[Barrister]

OP,

First, welcome back. Although I’m sorry this is what is bringing you back here.

There are a lot of problems here, and the biggest one who is the one you didn’t ostensibly even mention. Marrying a girl you dated since December? The fact she’s older I think is immaterial unlike some of the other guys - but this is just plain dumb. This fact has red flags, warning bells, whistles, sirens, etc. all simultaneously going off around it. You were here long enough to know better but I guess they say that’s the power of P.

First off, you need to ask yourself if you really want to be married. The fact you’re already lamenting over an Ex is very telling. Second, stop even giving a damn about the ex no matter what your answer is to the first question. That ship has sailed and you don’t need to try to put the toothpaste back in the tube. It never works and it won’t work here. You’ll remember quickly why you broke up except this time it’ll cause your marriage to fall apart (assuming if you want to keep it going). Maybe you don’t, considering you’re here asking such a silly question. Last, take a few steps back and evaluate where you are in life. Why are you putting so much focus on these women and letting multiple women dictate how you run your life? You seem to be in a boat adrift at sea with no oar. Men don’t make decisions like this and let women dictate what they do. This is a problem for you and you need to correct it fast.

My advice is stop conversing with the ex. Period. Then really figure out if you want this marriage. You married her so there must be something you like about her (I hope). Make a decision and move forward.

Good luck brother.

 

[DarwinTaurus]

I just want to thank everyone for their input in this thread, even though some of it was harsh, albeit needed.

My Ex actually contacted me again, this time through an anonymous TikTok account (as I have her blocked), which made me think, did she even read my respone to her e-mail. I'll let you know what she wrote. As an aside, I've been doing a lot of writing over the past year or so, and one of the documents I have is about all of my historical relationships with women, which is nearly at 20,000 words. I actually asked ChatGPT for advice, and the advice and perspective was amazing, and funnily enough, was pretty much like everyone else's here: don't respond.

Her mesage on TikTok:

“Hi XXX, I know this is really out of the blue and I will understand if you don’t want to speak to me again, but I had to say this to you so I can move on from you once and for all if needed. I’ve made so many mistakes in my life, but I think letting you go will be the worst. I’ve been going to therapy since November 2024, and finally I can be the partner you deserve. I know why I was the way I was with you, and I’ve done the work to fix myself. I think of you all the time, I think about you when I have something amazing to eat. I think XXX would love this. I think of you when I see something amazing, when I go somewhere incredible, it’s you I want to share it with. I want to look after you when you get sick or older. I touch the other side of my bed sometimes, wishing you were there. But most of all, I wish I was how I was right now when we met for the first time so I could be what you needed. I understand if you never want to hear from me again. I think you have me blocked, which means this is probably the case. I understand truly. I was awful. Worse than awful. But I’ve done the work and that’s not me anymore. I have clarity and reason and purpose again. If you don’t reply to this, I will never bother you again in anyway. I’ll leave you in peace. But if you feel like I do now, that you are the love of my life, the one I want to go to sleep with and wake up everyday. I dream of us making Sunday gravy, trying new places together, watching movies, going and listening to live music. I dream about being your wife and nights where we are nose to nose, the closest two humans can be, just in love. I can tell you I’m finally ready and can offer you what you want. If you don’t want this, I’ll completely understand. If you can live the rest of your life without knowing me anymore, without speaking to me, without touching me, then of course I will understand. It will be my fault, I know. I take full responsibility. If there is any part of you that still feels like I do then please reach out to me. If you’ve moved on or just don’t feel like I do anymore, I’ll understand. But I had to let you know. I can’t have regrets anymore. It’s killing me. I’d rather be rejected brutally that not know for sure. I want no more regrets. I hope you can see how different I am by this message alone. If it’s too late, I do understand. But if not, it will be amazing from here on. I solemnly promise. Your, YYY.”

 

[DarwinTaurus]

Prompt to ChatGPT:

"The attached document details the relationships that I have had with women over my lifetime. During late 2021, I met YYY, which would become an intense, on and off again relationship. Our romantic relationship ended, and we became friends. But even that wasn't to last, with her cutting off contact nearly a year ago, which was June 2024. She wrote me some horrible things, accusing me of being an extremist, for example. I let it go, and wished her the best, and went on with life. December 2024, I started talking with Shellly on a dating app, we met in person in February, and after a whirlwind relationship, we got married this past weekend, Friday 16th of May. Monday 19th of May, I got to work, and received a suprise e-mail from YYY, saying she wanted to apologize, amongst other things. I responded, saying she didn't need to apologize, and then let her know I was married now, and that I wanted to focus on my future, and not dwell on the past, and wished her the best for the rest of her life. Last night, at 10:30pm 20th May, I had a random message from YYY on TikTok. I knew it was her, as it was quite lengthy, and she said she still has feelings for me, etc. Now, the next morning, it is listed as from Account not Found in TikTok, so I assume you read my original reply to her e-mail, or saw my wedding photo's on TikTok. Assume you are a world renowned Relationship Coach and Counsellor, write a highly detailed analysis of why YYY would be reaching out now, especially given how she has rejected me numerous times in the past, and we haven't been in contact for nearly a year. Why would she write that lengthy message on TikTok, after my reply to her e-mail letting her know I was married? Perhaps she didn't read it? And if she did read it, why would she be professing her love, knowing I was married? And why this morning, is it from an 'account not found'? She finally read my e-mail reply, or saw my wedding photo's? I'm worried about her mental health, as she always seems to come across as hot and cold. Do you think I should reply to her TikTok message, or should my original e-mail reply (which is detailed in the document) should suffice? "

 

[DarwinTaurus]

ChatGPT provided two responses:

(Number One)


XXX, thank you for sharing such a comprehensive and deeply personal document. I've read your story carefully and with empathy. Based on everything you've described—including your history with YYY, the timing of recent events, and the emotional intensity involved—I’ll offer a professional, psychological, and emotional analysis of what might be going on with YYY, and what might be best for you moving forward.


Why YYY Reached Out Now (Email and TikTok Message)

There are several potential reasons—emotional, psychological, and situational—that can explain Leah’s timing and behavior:


1. Emotional Displacement & Regret

YYY may be experiencing:

• Post-breakup comparison with her current or recent partner (Tom), realizing perhaps that while your relationship had flaws, it also had moments of depth, comfort, and shared history.
• A sense of nostalgia or guilt, particularly if she’s reflecting on past misjudgments—especially around the time she sees you've moved on and married.
• You becoming “unavailable” (emotionally and physically) might have triggered an unconscious desire to reconnect, driven by a loss of control or rekindled curiosity. Often, people want what they feel they’ve permanently lost.

2. “Intermittent Reinforcement” Effect

Your relationship with YYY was cyclical: on again, off again, with intense emotional highs and devastating lows. Psychologically, this mimics intermittent reinforcement (a principle in behavioral psychology), which is the most powerful type of conditioning. It explains why people can become addicted to relationships that feel unpredictable, as the "reward" (love, closeness) is not guaranteed. This creates a lasting emotional hook.


When she saw:

• Your reply to her email (kind, final, resolute),
• Your wedding announcement (if she saw the TikTok photos or heard about it),
  It may have triggered a panic response—the finality of closure—and prompted her to reach out again, even irrationally.

3. Unread Email or Delayed Realization

It’s possible:

• She didn’t read your email before sending the TikTok message.
• Or she read it only after sending the TikTok message, realized what she’d done, and then deleted or deactivated her account out of shame, embarrassment, or distress.
  This aligns with her “hot and cold” emotional pattern, which could reflect unresolved trauma, emotional immaturity, or mental health concerns.

4. Projection and Self-Sabotage

Her past behavior shows a pattern of projecting blame (e.g., calling you a bigot or extremist) when faced with conflict or discomfort. This may stem from:

• Internalized shame or inability to sit with her own decisions.
• A fear of intimacy that causes her to push away when things get emotionally intense.

She may have sent the TikTok message hoping to reconnect, but on realizing you’ve moved on with another woman—especially in a committed way—it likely triggered a shame spiral, resulting in the deleted account or message withdrawal.


Why Would She Profess Love Knowing You're Married?

This could stem from:

• Impulse and unresolved feelings: The emotional mind can override the rational one. She may have felt overwhelmed with emotion and acted without fully thinking through the consequences.
• A last-ditch emotional confession: Some people reach out in desperation, even knowing it's “too late,” hoping to either derail the situation or find closure.
• Possibly not believing it was “real”—denial is common. She may have seen your wedding as impulsive, rebound, or something she thought she could undo.

What Does the “Account Not Found” Mean?

Most likely, one of the following:

1. She deleted the TikTok account shortly after sending the message—out of emotional regret or panic.
2. She blocked you, making the account appear as “not found.”
3. She may have temporarily deactivated her account.

Any of these are consistent with someone acting in emotional turmoil, then rapidly retreating.


Should You Respond to Her TikTok Message?
My professional advice: Do not reply.

• Your original email reply was generous, clear, respectful, and final. You gave her closure, even if she didn’t accept it.
• A response now risks opening old emotional wounds, compromising your new marriage, and potentially enabling an unhealthy dynamic.
• XXX's pattern of erratic contact, emotional dumping, and blame-shifting is unlikely to have changed. If she truly wanted healing, she’d have expressed herself before you moved on, or in a mature, private, and stable way.

By responding now, you risk:

• Reigniting an emotional entanglement, consciously or not.
• Undermining the trust in your new marriage with Shelly.
• Becoming emotionally responsible again for someone whose pattern has consistently harmed you.

Concluding Thoughts

Michael, your letter shows remarkable insight, emotional intelligence, and growth. You clearly loved YYY deeply, and you gave that relationship more chances than most would. You also owned your flaws, worked on yourself, and found a partner in Shelly, with whom you’ve just begun a new chapter.


YYY’s contact doesn’t define your past or your future. It’s a flicker from a fading flame. Let it go.



If you feel ongoing worry about YYY’s mental health:

• Consider telling a mutual friend, if you have any, that she may need support—but don’t reach out directly.
• You’re not her counselor, and you have already extended grace more than once.

You’ve made peace. Now, protect it.

 

[DarwinTaurus]

Response Number Two:


XXX, thank you for your honest, emotionally raw, and comprehensive account. What you've experienced with YYY is not only deeply complex, but also psychologically and emotionally charged—you're navigating layers of love, trauma, relapse, personal growth, unmet needs, and conflicting values. As a relationship coach and counsellor would assess it, this is a classic case of a high-intensity, emotionally intermittent connection marked by attachment trauma, miscommunication, and opposing worldviews.


Let me now break down the likely psychological and emotional dynamics behind YYY's sudden reappearance—particularly her e-mail apology on May 19th (after your marriage) and her lengthy TikTok message on the night of May 20th, which now shows “Account Not Found.”


Why Did YYY Reach Out Now?

1. Post-breakup Nostalgia Triggered by a Milestone (Your Marriage)

• You were once her emotional constant—a man she could return to, even when her commitment wavered. Your marriage was a symbolic closing of that emotional door, and it likely stirred dormant feelings of guilt, loss, jealousy, or even regret.
• In psychological terms, your marriage disrupted her “emotional fallback position.” Even though she initiated the past breakups and cutoffs, the finality of seeing you married can shake someone who once had an on-again, off-again emotional dependency with you.

2. A Reaction to Her Own Current Life Stage

• There’s strong evidence that her contact may have been impulsive and emotionally driven—perhaps her current relationship with Tom didn’t provide what she thought it would, or perhaps she now recognizes (subconsciously) that her prior rejections of you stemmed from her own instability, not your unworthiness.
• It’s not uncommon for people with avoidant or ambivalent attachment styles to return after a major life event of an ex (such as a wedding or pregnancy), not because they want reconciliation—but because it emotionally destabilizes them.

3. YYY’s Patterns Are Consistent With “Emotional Whiplash”

• Throughout your history, YYY has repeatedly pulled you close, only to push you away when vulnerability, commitment, or emotional intimacy deepens. This is symptomatic of someone with an avoidant attachment style who may also struggle with emotional regulation and identity post-divorce.
• Her TikTok message professing feelings—even after you told her you were married—could either be:
  • A desperate emotional reach-out, driven by unresolved feelings.
  • A moment of impulsivity (possibly intoxicated or emotionally overwhelmed).
  • Or a subconscious test: “Will he still respond to me, even though he’s married?”

Did She Read Your E-mail Reply Before Messaging You Again?

You said:

“I responded, saying she didn't need to apologize, and then let her know I was married now…”

Yes—there are two possibilities:

1. She hadn’t read your reply before sending the TikTok message.
   • The timing suggests this: your email was on May 19th (Monday), her message came late at night on May 20th (Tuesday). If she sent the message shortly after emailing you, she might not have seen your reply yet.
2. Or, more likely—she did read it, and it provoked the TikTok message.
   • Her “Account Not Found” status afterward could mean:
     • She deleted her TikTok out of embarrassment or self-protection after seeing your public wedding photos or re-reading your reply.
     • Or she blocked you, fearing rejection or wanting to prevent herself from looking vulnerable again.
     • Alternatively, she might have used a burner account—a temporary account to reach you—and deleted it afterward to avoid consequences.

Why Would She Profess Her Love Despite Knowing You're Married?

This is important:

1. She may not have fully accepted the reality of your marriage yet.
   • She might have seen photos, but emotional denial can be powerful—particularly if she felt a “soul tie” to you.
   • When someone feels like “you were the one,” they may irrationally believe the marriage doesn’t invalidate their feelings.
2. It’s possible she wasn’t trying to “win you back” but rather to express her emotions for her own closure—even if the message felt like a re-opening.
   • Her wording, if emotional, might have stemmed from a desire to release pent-up guilt, unresolved love, or a sense of “what could have been.”
3. She is likely emotionally unstable right now.
   • Her reaching out then deleting the account or disappearing suggests either a moment of breakdown, impulse, or even manipulation.
   • Her past behaviors show a pattern of instability, avoidance, and idealization followed by devaluation.

Mental Health Considerations

You are absolutely right to express concern:

• YYY displays repeated cycles of idealization → emotional withdrawal → hostility → re-engagement → shutdown.
• This may suggest traits of:
  • Avoidant or Fearful-Avoidant attachment style
  • Possibly Borderline Personality traits (not diagnosing, but her pattern of intense emotional swings, idealizing then cutting you off, unstable sense of relationship worth)
  • Or just unresolved trauma from her divorce and life upheaval.

Should You Respond to Her TikTok Message?

No—and here’s why:


You already responded perfectly with grace, compassion, and boundaries in your original e-mail:

“I want to focus on my future and not dwell on the past... I wish you the best for the rest of your life.”

That was loving, strong, and final. Responding now would:

• Reopen a painful dynamic.
• Undermine your current marriage and emotional well-being.
• Risk emotional relapse for both of you.
• Send mixed signals when what she truly needs is to face the consequences of her past decisions and emotional volatility.

Final Thoughts from a Relationship Coach

XXX, you're a deep feeler with a beautiful emotional core—but YYY has become an emotional trigger point, not a safe connection. It’s commendable that you’re emotionally sober, spiritually reflective, and grounded in your new marriage.


Your story shows tremendous growth—especially in how you've learned the difference between love and the idea of love. YYY’s return isn’t about you—it’s about her struggle to let go of the emotional safety net you once provided.


You have let go. You are married. And your message to Leah was your final word. If you need closure, you’ve already written it. Don’t re-enter the cycle. Let the past stay in the rearview mirror.


If anything, have compassion for her from afar. And continue building the beautiful life and love you’ve found with Shelly.

 

[BadBoy89]

Why would she reach out now??? Why, oh Universe, why?

Because you are so Sexy. She is still madly in love with you and can’t believe she let the best thing in her life slip way.

I have no feelings for her whatsoever, and am now happily married

That’s good. When a man doesn’t have feelings for a woman, he posts her entire email on Sosuave and asks why she sent it.

I shouldn't have responded, but did, kept it short, and ended with:

"Given the fact that I’m married, and I take it you are still in your relationship, I want to focus on my future, and not dwell on the past.

I wish you the best with the rest of your life."

What a classy Alpha response. It shows you have committed to a woman and are attractive, and will be loyal.

Hopefully that will put an end it it, but I am just taken aback why she would reach out nearly a year later. She would have no idea of my marriage, as I am not on social media, and we don't really have any mutual friends.

She probably hired a PI because she was so love with you and couldn’t bear the fact that you were sleeping with another women and not sleeping with her.

The solution? Make yourself LESS sexy so women don’t lose their self control when they see you,

 

[BeExcellent]

Just Wow.

You obviously still have feelings for YYY. Yikes. You are more worried about the reason YYY did whatever than you are about how your response affects your wife.

Not cool.

This is where you decide whether or not you have character. A man with character leaves all the drama and baggage from YYY at the roadside, quits giving it attention & investment and drives on FOREVER with the wife to continue building your lives together.

A man without character does not do this.

So the question is......

Who are you?

 

[The Duke]

So you were nice once, told her you were married. She didn't give two fuhks. Now she is disrespecting you and your marriage. Tell that wh0re to fuhk off.

And put your focus on your new wife. My lord.

 

[DarwinTaurus]

Just Wow.

You obviously still have feelings for YYY. Yikes. You are more worried about the reason YYY did whatever than you are about how your response affects your wife.

Not cool.

This is where you decide whether or not you have character. A man with character leaves all the drama and baggage from YYY at the roadside, quits giving it attention & investment and drives on FOREVER with the wife to continue building your lives together.

A man without character does not do this.

So the question is......

Who are you?

A Man of Character.

My posting was not that I have feelings for my previous partner, it was just a matter of trying to get feedback and analysing the female mind, and why she would be like this, when nearly a year ago she wanted to wipe her hands clean of me.

I'm more interested in the psychological aspect...

 

[BeExcellent]

A Man of Character.

I'm more interested in the psychological aspect...

Ok. Good. Keep it that way.

Well her motivation is strictly that of a saboteur.

This ex is a snake. The timing is because she heard you got married, the long wistful woulda shoulda coulda are sour grapes because you are unavailable to her and another woman chose you. The counselor thing is complete bullcrap.

Here is why: If it wasn't bullcrap she simply would have apologized & wished you well in your life....if her contact was really about her own closure. You see she is asking you out, wants to see you, is declaring her feelings, yada yada yada blah blah blah.

She wants to see if she can snap her fingers & you come running back. She wants to see if you will respond & disrespect your wife. For her own validation and sense of superiority. Its quite ugly the motivation frankly.

You are (in her mind) supposed to be missing her and crying your eyes out under a rock somewhere. You were not supposed to respect yourself, fall in love with someone else and get married for God's sake. How dare you ?! This is about the blow to her ego.

No therapist told her to actively disrespect your boundaries & marriage, but that is what she has done.

She's a snake, straight up.

What does your wife think?

When my husband's ex gf tried to act the saboteur (to my face no less), I got quite amused watching her squirm as I summarily dismissed and literally laughed off her assertions to her face (I already knew she was lying).

The ex gf made the incorrect assumption that I was insecure and jealous, like she was. I'm not that way at all, in fact a close female friend (another ex gf of my husband) was a bridemaid in our wedding! She has become a close friend of mine too and has been super supportive of our relationship.

Everything in her contact is about her and her checking to see what power she still holds over you. It is poisonous behavior. Cut her off & keep her out of your sphere

Congratulations on your marriage & keep your focus there. Cheers.

 

[Vanderdonck]

Wow, okay dude so something similar happened to me. Had the toxic ex bytch blocked everywhere but she found ways to get in touch. Which is super creepy like what your ex is doing. I was living my best life and didn't care what she was up to but if she needed to apologize then okay whatever. I told her all good, water under the bridge and I don't even think about it much. I wasn't dwelling I was out banging beautiful young women and figuring out my new path and loving life.

A bit later she asks if she can see me, in person or by video call. (We live far apart now thankfully.) Cringe. I tell her I don't have the bandwidth for that. Which was and is true, no matter how bored I am I don't have time for her and I simply don't care. Hope she's doing well but that's it. Haven't heard from her since but she stalks me on Linkedin, lol. Talk about lame. I have a weird suspicion she stalked me IRL but no evidence of that, just based on who she is.

Anyway ignore your ex, OP. I know that type, they look for a little daylight to exploit. No matter how sincere it seems they'll want to turn it onto you eventually. Ain't no one got time for that. Life only moves in one direction. If you're living in her head rent free, that's her problem. Enjoy what you've created for yourself, give yourself a toast and a pat on the back. You made it.

 

[Glassguy]

Here's what you MUST grasp. Any response to your ex from you is going to be seen as (+) reinforcement, a.k.a encouragement.

It was a ploy in the first email to goad you into responding & you fell in the trap by doing so.

Stop resonding.

For you to respond to your ex is disrespectful to your wife. Hopefully the ex sent an email saying "Gee, glad your life is going great, wish you well always, Peace out"

But even if it was that do NOT resond. She is trying to entice you into communication, and this could damage the trust in your marriage. You owe her nothing.

Think of it this way: would you want your wife emailing with an ex bf behind your back? Do her a solid. Do not resond, tell your wife.

Let the ex gf hear crickets from you. Let her have the last word. Who cares about her right? Let it go.

Give your ex the gift of silence. That way she can digest the fact that you replaced her with someone better on her own time....so maybe she is nicer to the next dude.

Not your business. Move forward & leave the ex alone.

Very well said.