I just got married, then my Ex reached out...

[DarwinTaurus]

Hi guys,

I haven't posted here in a while. Hope everyone is doing well.

I got married over the weekend. Pretty quick relationship, we have known each other since December 2024. She is a few years older than me, from a different culture, but the relationship is great, and I am ready to settle down and begin the next journey of my life.

What was weird, was this morning, my Ex sent me an e-mail, I hadn't spoken to her in around 10 months.

This is what she wrote:

"I’m not sure if this email will even reach you or if you even want contact from me. If you don’t reply I know my reaching was not welcome and will not try to contact you again.


I’ve been doing 6 months of weekly counselling to try and understand a few things I’ve not been happy about myself. You came up a bit and how I was with you.


As part of the process I just wanted to apologise. I mean it’s not just part of the process really, I sincerely mean it.


It’s probably too much to put in an email but if you’d be open to having a quick catch up over a drink.


No pressure either way. If you don’t want any contact just don’t reply and I’ll leave it there. I will completely understand bay of course. It’s just nice to be clear headed finally and I wanted share a few things that you were right about."

When we last spoke via text 10 months ago, she basically told me that she wanted nothing to do with me anymore, and she called me a few labels, with one being I was an "extremist" due to my politics. Anyway, I cut ties. We had been back and forth numerous times over the past four years, and I was ready to wipe my hands with her.

I walked past her on the street in February, and didn't realize it was her until she came closer, then I just ignored her, and kept walking.

Why would she reach out now??? Why, oh Universe, why? I have no feelings for her whatsoever, and am now happily married... just annoyed with the timing of the e-mail. I don't know what she is trying to achieve.

I shouldn't have responded, but did, kept it short, and ended with:

"Given the fact that I’m married, and I take it you are still in your relationship, I want to focus on my future, and not dwell on the past.

I wish you the best with the rest of your life."

Hopefully that will put an end it it, but I am just taken aback why she would reach out nearly a year later. She would have no idea of my marriage, as I am not on social media, and we don't really have any mutual friends.

 

[BPH]

I don't understand why this is a thread.

You're married. Your ex should no longer exist, as far as you're concerned.

 

[DarwinTaurus]

I don't understand why this is a thread.

You're married. Your ex should no longer exist, as far as you're concerned.

I agree. I was just surprised of the synchronicity of the e-mail, and why the "Universe" made her reach out now, just a day after the very weekend I was married.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

Well look. It can be an ego stroke that she emailed and apologized. I think your response was fine. The main thing is this: were you transparent with your wife about her email and your response?

Here's why I ask. If this ex reaches out again I recommend disclosure because in a healthy relationship it builds trust. Your wife might appreciate knowing this exchange happened. God forbid y'all run into your ex somewhere & your ex mentions it (women will do stuff like that to crap on your parade at times), you don't want something like that to surprise your wife, which may raise questions in your wife's mind.

When my husband and I were dating, his most recent ex gf was very jealous of me and us and would reach out to him offering sex (I'm down for whatever, whenever) via text and email. He showed me the texts/emails and he did not respond. He had to retrieve a piece of sporting equipment from her when his vendor sent it to her address. Fortunately he was able to have FedEx hold it at the depot for pick up, but he had me help him write the email to her in case he had to get it from her.

So when I was approached by his ex gf at an event, she tried to make it sound like he had been contacting her & she mentioned this email (that I helped him write), and the sport equipment.

She was trying to manipulate me and create doubt and arouse jealousy in me. She failed. I was able to say, "Oh yes, he showed me everything and I helped him write you that email......"

The look on her face was priceless. And she quit contacting him after that.

Just keep your wife informed. You cannot control the behavior of your ex, but you can disclose to your wife & reinforce your trust with her.

 

[DarwinTaurus]

Advice from the old lady:

Well look. It can be an ego stroke that she emailed and apologized. I think your response was fine. The main thing is this: were you transparent with your wife about her email and your response?

Here's why I ask. If this ex reaches out again I recommend disclosure because in a healthy relationship it builds trust. Your wife might appreciate knowing this exchange happened. God forbid y'all run into your ex somewhere & your ex mentions it (women will do stuff like that to crap on your parade at times), you don't want something like that to surprise your wife, which may raise questions in your wife's mind.

When my husband and I were dating, his most recent ex gf was very jealous of me and us and would reach out to him offering sex (I'm down for whatever, whenever) via text and email. He showed me the texts/emails and he did not respond. He had to retrieve a piece of sporting equipment from her when his vendor sent it to her address. Fortunately he was able to have FedEx hold it at the depot for pick up, but he had me help him write the email to her in case he had to get it from her.

So when I was approached by his ex gf at an event, she tried to make it sound like he had been contacting her & she mentioned this email (that I helped him write), and the sport equipment.

She was trying to manipulate me and create doubt and arouse jealousy in me. She failed. I was able to say, "Oh yes, he showed me everything and I helped him write you that email......"

The look on her face was priceless. And she quit contacting him after that.

Just keep your wife informed. You cannot control the behavior of your ex, but you can disclose to your wife & reinforce your trust with her.

Hi, thanks for the response.

I am at work at the moment, and my Ex e-mailed me at 8:30am this morning, and yes, I have every intention about telling my wife about it. I believe in transparency. I just don't understand why the Ex reached out in the first place, because 10 months ago, our last contact, she was pretty harsh and direct with some of her comments towards me.

 

[BeExcellent]

Hi, thanks for the response.

I am at work at the moment, and my Ex e-mailed me at 8:30am this morning, and yes, I have every intention about telling my wife about it. I believe in transparency. I just don't understand why the Ex reached out in the first place, because 10 months ago, our last contact, she was pretty harsh and direct with some of her comments towards me.

Here's what you MUST grasp. Any response to your ex from you is going to be seen as (+) reinforcement, a.k.a encouragement.

It was a ploy in the first email to goad you into responding & you fell in the trap by doing so.

Stop resonding.

For you to respond to your ex is disrespectful to your wife. Hopefully the ex sent an email saying "Gee, glad your life is going great, wish you well always, Peace out"

But even if it was that do NOT resond. She is trying to entice you into communication, and this could damage the trust in your marriage. You owe her nothing.

Think of it this way: would you want your wife emailing with an ex bf behind your back? Do her a solid. Do not resond, tell your wife.

Let the ex gf hear crickets from you. Let her have the last word. Who cares about her right? Let it go.

Give your ex the gift of silence. That way she can digest the fact that you replaced her with someone better on her own time....so maybe she is nicer to the next dude.

Not your business. Move forward & leave the ex alone.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I agree. I was just surprised of the synchronicity of the e-mail, and why the "Universe" made her reach out now, just a day after the very weekend I was married.

Because she is toxic, jealous, and trying to ruin your marriage.

I would suggest that by your own words and response to her, you’re walking a slippery slope and engaging in the toxic cycle as well. Re-read your own words ‘why universe why??’ You’re totally wrapped up in this woman.

She shouldn’t even be on your radar. You should not have even responded. You took a situation that was not your fault, and then you made it your fault. You’re dangerously close to emotional infidelity.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Have you lost your mind?

Marrying a person before you even know them? Were you afraid once she spent more time with you she would want to leave so you had to lock her down ASAP??

You are asking for problems...this is the definition of "Desperate Dudes Do Desperate Things".

 

[New_Journey]

You got married to an old hag with less than a year in a relationship? Thirst is the worst.

 

[SW15]

I just don't understand why the Ex reached out in the first place, because 10 months ago, our last contact, she was pretty harsh and direct with some of her comments towards me.

Did you have a wedding announcement on a website like The Knot or Zola? I'm guessing she searched your name and saw the wedding website.

You got married to an old hag with less than a year in a relationship? Thirst is the worst.

I agree that it is bad. The time was insufficient. There's no reason for a man his age to marry an older woman.

This is a very thirsty maneuver that a player/Don Juan/seducer shouldn't do.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Did you have a wedding announcement on a website like The Knot or Zola? I'm guessing she searched your name and saw the wedding website.



I agree that it is bad. The time was insufficient. There's no reason for a man his age to marry an older woman.

This is a very thirsty maneuver that a player/Don Juan/seducer shouldn't do.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I don't understand why this is a thread.

You're married. Your ex should no longer exist, as far as you're concerned.

If the shoe were on the other foot, and someone was persistently reaching out to my significant other, and there was mutual dialogue, I would be enraged. Standing up for yourself takes balls and is very liberating. I did the below once, what if she did the same to you in some manner, 3 days into your marriage, how would you feel?

It’s not good to have your partner running to the opposite sex behind your back. After expressing my feelings calmly and logically and being given pushback that was smelly, I once told someone I was going to run someone over on their bike on their way to work, put my foot on their throat and they could nurse them back to health in the hospital but generally I would not recommend that path. Certainly don’t put that in writing. I think it’s good though to express all your emotions and get feelings out.

first I would bring it up with the significant other and say that it wasn’t cool, look for some sort of space to say that safely and calmly. Depending on the reaction i would be firmer if needed. Have to be willing to give it all up depending on the nature and circumstances of the dialogue.

Again, put the shoe on the other foot. Sneaking around is no good. Would you really say you care about your wife based on the way you’re acting? Would she be happy?

 

[BPH]

If the shoe were on the other foot, and someone was persistently reaching out to my significant other, and there was mutual dialogue, I would be enraged. Standing up for yourself takes balls and is very liberating. I did the below once, what if she did the same to you in some manner, 3 days into your marriage, how would you feel?

It’s not good to have your partner running to the opposite sex behind your back. After expressing my feelings calmly and logically and being given pushback that was smelly, I once told someone I was going to run someone over on their bike on their way to work, put my foot on their throat and they could nurse them back to health in the hospital but generally I would not recommend that path. Certainly don’t put that in writing. I think it’s good though to express all your emotions and get feelings out.

first I would bring it up with the significant other and say that it wasn’t cool, look for some sort of space to say that safely and calmly. Depending on the reaction i would be firmer if needed. Have to be willing to give it all up depending on the nature and circumstances of the dialogue.

Again, put the shoe on the other foot. Sneaking around is no good. Would you really say you care about your wife based on the way you’re acting? Would she be happy?

I just realized OP got married to somebody he's known for less than 6 months...but that's its own problem.

Anyway, this is as far as his dialogue needs to go, in my opinion:

"Heyyy"
"Who's this?"
"Your ex"
*BLOCKED*

 

[The Duke]

Hi guys,

I haven't posted here in a while. Hope everyone is doing well.

I got married over the weekend. Pretty quick relationship, we have known each other since December 2024. She is a few years older than me, from a different culture, but the relationship is great, and I am ready to settle down and begin the next journey of my life.

What was weird, was this morning, my Ex sent me an e-mail, I hadn't spoken to her in around 10 months.

This is what she wrote:

"I’m not sure if this email will even reach you or if you even want contact from me. If you don’t reply I know my reaching was not welcome and will not try to contact you again.


I’ve been doing 6 months of weekly counselling to try and understand a few things I’ve not been happy about myself. You came up a bit and how I was with you.


As part of the process I just wanted to apologise. I mean it’s not just part of the process really, I sincerely mean it.


It’s probably too much to put in an email but if you’d be open to having a quick catch up over a drink.


No pressure either way. If you don’t want any contact just don’t reply and I’ll leave it there. I will completely understand bay of course. It’s just nice to be clear headed finally and I wanted share a few things that you were right about."

When we last spoke via text 10 months ago, she basically told me that she wanted nothing to do with me anymore, and she called me a few labels, with one being I was an "extremist" due to my politics. Anyway, I cut ties. We had been back and forth numerous times over the past four years, and I was ready to wipe my hands with her.

I walked past her on the street in February, and didn't realize it was her until she came closer, then I just ignored her, and kept walking.

Why would she reach out now??? Why, oh Universe, why? I have no feelings for her whatsoever, and am now happily married... just annoyed with the timing of the e-mail. I don't know what she is trying to achieve.

I shouldn't have responded, but did, kept it short, and ended with:

"Given the fact that I’m married, and I take it you are still in your relationship, I want to focus on my future, and not dwell on the past.

I wish you the best with the rest of your life."

Hopefully that will put an end it it, but I am just taken aback why she would reach out nearly a year later. She would have no idea of my marriage, as I am not on social media, and we don't really have any mutual friends.

I've known counselors to put their clients up to this as a way to process things and move on. She's had some time to reflect now and with the counselors help she probably does see some of the things she did wrong that you pointed out. I would also suspect she was fishing. I'd say she was well aware of you getting married and this ignited the flame. Women always love wanted men.

A few of my exes reached out with similar cases. 2 of them still do and it has been many years. These are individuals that made mistakes and figured it out after it was too late but still aren't happy with their life.

Its really about them processing their guilt, and wishing they had something better. Its about them.

 

[Divorced w 3]

I've known counselors to put their clients up to this as a way to process things and move on. She's had some time to reflect now and with the counselors help she probably does see some of the things she did wrong that you pointed out. I would also suspect she was fishing. I'd say she was well aware of you getting married and this ignited the flame. Women always love wanted men.

A few of my exes reached out with similar cases. 2 of them still do and it has been many years. These are individuals that made mistakes and figured it out after it was too late but still aren't happy with their life.

Its really about them processing their guilt, and wishing they had something better. Its about them.

Yeah but the day after the guy got married?

 

[justaroundthecorner]

@OP: Do not reply to the email at all.
Your ex does not want to hear from you nor meet you - she has just heard that you got married and - if you will reply - it shall mean that you still miss her (which will be major turn off for her and sort of treating yourself and your choices in poor manner as you have just got married and should not take care of your ex at all).

Leave it is at is, with no reply. Closure is artificial idea present only in movies. In life it is, almost by definition, non-existent.

Move forward and never look back.

EDIT: Never mind, I see that you have replied. Why guys do this to themselves?

 

[Clockwerk50]

Maybe she just wanted to know the answer to the question everyone here is asking themselves: Why the **** would you do that? Get married after knowing someone for only six months? Throw away your commitment like it means nothing?

Anyway, I just re-read your post, she had no idea you were married, and you already responded. Regardless, if you weren’t married, you’d have more leeway to explore other relationships. But since you’re already committed to another woman, your ex and this post are a nothingburger.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Maybe she just wanted to know the answer to the question everyone here is asking themselves: Why the **** would you do that? Get married after knowing someone for only six months? Throw away your commitment like it means nothing?

Anyway, I just re-read your post, she had no idea you were married, and you already responded. Regardless, if you weren’t married, you’d have more leeway to explore other relationships. But since you’re already committed to another woman, your ex and this post are a nothingburger.

You don’t know that she wasn’t aware of his being married. He told her she was married but she never intimated that she knew or didn’t know. What he did was wrong.

We can debate on a different thread whether or not getting married within 5 months makes sense (to be fair a lot of long standing couples in the old days did this successfully)

The purpose of this thread was simple: she reached out and did he Eff up by writing her back?

Yes he did

 

[Clockwerk50]

You don’t know that she wasn’t aware of his being married. He told her she was married but she never intimated that she knew or didn’t know. What he did was wrong.

We can debate on a different thread whether or not getting married within 5 months makes sense (to be fair a lot of long standing couples in the old days did this successfully)

The purpose of this thread was simple: she reached out and did he Eff up by writing her back?

Yes he did

He wrote this in the last paragraph of his post.

“She would have no idea about my marriage, as I’m not on social media and we don’t really have any mutual friends.”


So I don’t know if it would have been such a big screw-up if he were single. I mean, it still wouldn’t have been ideal, but at least then he would have more room to maneuver.

I guess my whole point is this: either he needs to tell his new wife everything, and since they’ve only known each other for six months, who knows how she’ll react or what kind of boundaries they’ve set, or he needs to decide whether to just keep it to himself.

 

[BaronOfHair]

why she would reach out nearly a year later...

My read on the situation:

This ain't you're ex, hoss... It's Snakeeyes https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snake_Eyes_(G.I._Joe) , and he's f-cking with you psychologically, before the inevitable assassination. Best get your affairs in order, so that the missus is provided for, once you're off the planet. We'll miss you also