I'm running into a weird situation.
I don't have a good relationship with my family. Growing up, I knew they loved me and I could count on them unconditionally. Fast forward a few years after high school and everything becomes a 180. I can't go to any one of them for unconditional help. They've instilled feelings of guilt and inadequacy. It's unhealthy relationships everywhere.
Back in my AFC days, I obviously had no friends. And starting to expand your social circle post-college is much more difficult than in college. So while I'm much better socially, it comes along slowly, in increments.
I've cut off my emotions towards females, mainly because when I was in middle/high school and stupid I was overzealous in that department which led to neediness, clinginess, etc. Even in college, I had a crush on a girl once, we went on one date, she declined a second one, sent me into a depression cycle of more than a year.
If I see an old oneitis I still get feelings of inadequacy.
So now I'm alone in the sense that there's no one out there that I can rely on to give me unconditional love. So yes, I have to love myself unconditionally, but due to things in my past, this has been very difficult for me. But at the same time, I'm realizing now that for some reason I'm incapable of forming lasting bonds with people. I see all these "social butterflies" who easily get into these huge groups on a dime and, even though I act just as social as them, I can never get into these types of groups.
Perhaps the best way to describe me is that yeah, everyone thinks I'm cool, but at graduation no one wants to take a picture with me/sign their yearbook.
But I need to feel less in order to game and not get attached, so it's a catch-22, and I'm not sure what to do.
I don't have a good relationship with my family. Growing up, I knew they loved me and I could count on them unconditionally. Fast forward a few years after high school and everything becomes a 180. I can't go to any one of them for unconditional help. They've instilled feelings of guilt and inadequacy. It's unhealthy relationships everywhere.
Back in my AFC days, I obviously had no friends. And starting to expand your social circle post-college is much more difficult than in college. So while I'm much better socially, it comes along slowly, in increments.
I've cut off my emotions towards females, mainly because when I was in middle/high school and stupid I was overzealous in that department which led to neediness, clinginess, etc. Even in college, I had a crush on a girl once, we went on one date, she declined a second one, sent me into a depression cycle of more than a year.
If I see an old oneitis I still get feelings of inadequacy.
So now I'm alone in the sense that there's no one out there that I can rely on to give me unconditional love. So yes, I have to love myself unconditionally, but due to things in my past, this has been very difficult for me. But at the same time, I'm realizing now that for some reason I'm incapable of forming lasting bonds with people. I see all these "social butterflies" who easily get into these huge groups on a dime and, even though I act just as social as them, I can never get into these types of groups.
Perhaps the best way to describe me is that yeah, everyone thinks I'm cool, but at graduation no one wants to take a picture with me/sign their yearbook.
But I need to feel less in order to game and not get attached, so it's a catch-22, and I'm not sure what to do.
