I dumped her, now I want her again

[BackInTheGame78]

No I completely agree that fear of commitment is a real thing for men, but agree it's mainly due to fear of the wrong women (in my own experience).

I don't think I have time to work this all out and I should just cut her off and go no contact, she's still going on this date tomorrow so it's making my decision easier.

OP, I've got news for you. The only way you'll ever really know if she is the wrong woman or right woman is once you've committed. So many woman do 180s a few years into the marriage.

So thinking you are going to know prior to being committed is a problem because you won't.

Not saying you should commit to this woman, just saying that you'll never truly know until you are committed and see if her actions change once that happens.

 

[Murk]

OP, I've got news for you. The only way you'll ever really know if she is the wrong woman or right woman is once you've committed. So many woman do 180s a few years into the marriage.

So thinking you are going to know prior to being committed is a problem because you won't.

Not saying you should commit to this woman, just saying that you'll never truly know until you are committed and see if her actions change once that happens.

Exactly, I could move her in with me and give it a real go, she's a 7 so it's really not like I'm settling for a haggard gremlin, her mother has aged well too, great family etc. There's a lot more merit to this than I let on initially.

 

[Gamisch]

Exactly, I could move her in with me and give it a real go, she's a 7 so it's really not like I'm settling for a haggard gremlin, her mother has aged well too, great family etc. There's a lot more merit to this than I let on initially.

Do you honoustly think you can pull a better woman then her ?

So this version but a 8 or a 9 on your preferred look scale?

 

[Murk]

Do you honoustly think you can pull a better woman then her ?

So this version but a 8 or a 9 on your preferred look scale?

Yes, I have before. I know I can get beautiful women and my smv only goes up. I just think the connection with this woman is strong enough to keep me around for life

I sent her the text I drafted earlier and she accused me of testing her, she admitted she is going on the date tomorrow after some probing, because she feels unsure of what I want, keeping her options open I guess? She feels she dersves to go oon a date as I'm not taking her out on dates. She will know after if she really needs to be with me, or if we wont work. I asked if that means if she likes this guy after the date, shes not interested in me, but she said no, but surely there's no other way to interpret that?

She wants to meet Saturday at 12pm, I feel like if I go after her going on a dinner date tomorrow I will feel like a simp/cuck

 

[EyeBRollin]

She feels she dersves to go oon a date as I'm not taking her out on dates. She will know after if she really needs to be with me, or if we wont work. I asked if that means if she likes this guy after the date, shes not interested in me, but she said no, but surely there's no other way to interpret that?

She wants to meet Saturday at 12pm, I feel like if I go after her going on a dinner date tomorrow I will feel like a simp/cuck

This is your problem; she’s telling you directly what you are doing wrong and you just are not listening. She is moving on because you at bare minimum will not even invest in a date. She feels like a cheap sloot. This isn’t rocket science dude.

 

[Murk]

This is your problem; she’s telling you directly what you are doing wrong and you just are not listening. She is moving on because you at bare minimum will not even invest in a date. She feels like a cheap sloot. This isn’t rocket science dude.

With covid lockdowns and me going to abroad for 4 months until this Jan this year - there was no possibility to take her on dates plus we technically weren't together. I have taken her to expensive restaurants many times and with me I pay for everything.

 

[Blacksheep]

I think she achieved what she wanted dating another guy while also dating you. She wanted you to be jealous... Or maybe show that other guys wants her so you feel bad about it.

Also, I dont think its a good idea to date ex gf... Even if its casual. The best decision should be to move forward and forget her.

You had a reason to broke up... About not wanting baby and you both are not aligned with this. So going back to a situation you are sure you dont want in your life it might not be a good idea.

I had some ex gfs that I thought I should try to go back until I took a time to think about and list all the reasons why I wanted to broke up. The more clarity you have on this, the easier will be to deal with those emotions.

Cause it can be only an emotional desire based on that jealous feeling. And emotions are temporary.

 

[catsmeow]

She wants to meet Saturday at 12pm, I feel like if I go after her going on a dinner date tomorrow I will feel like a simp/cuck

@Murk no doubt some of y'all will accuse me of more female manipulation and/or as a woman my head is up my arse, lol, but bottom line is when embarking on a committed relationship, you need to be comfortable with feeling vulnerable otherwise you may as well forget the whole thing.

This whole thing about not wanting to look like a simp/cuck, this chick is madly in love with YOU, I have no doubt she'd marry you tomorrow if you asked.

Step away from your damn ego and if you care about this girl, nevermind looking like a simp/cuck, in HER eyes (and heart) you never could anyway, stop ***** footing around and go get her.

Something I have learned throughout the years, there are NO guarantees in relationships, hell even marriages, in LIFE. You gotta be willing to take the risk. If you're not willing to take the risk, or too fearful to take the risk, then you may as well go live under a rock.

Or be happy spinning plates for the rest of your life, your call.

 

[EyeBRollin]

With covid lockdowns and me going to abroad for 4 months until this Jan this year - there was no possibility to take her on dates plus we technically weren't together. I have taken her to expensive restaurants many times and with me I pay for everything.

You are contradicting yourself. Were you taking her on dates or not?

This ship has sailed. Just move on. Blew it with this girl.

 

[Murk]

You are contradicting yourself. Were you taking her on dates or not?

This ship has sailed. Just move on. Blew it with this girl.

Recently no, I left the country in October 2020 which is 9 months ago. I've definitely not blown it, she wants this it's just been whether I wanted to pursue it.

@catsmeow So go meet up with her the day after she goes on a date? Shouldn't I be telling her not to go, she said she was going to cancel but now going anway.

 

[Bingo-Player]

I am in a similar situation although much further down the line

I broke things off with my ex because i wanted a woman with more "oomph" about her ..... problem is i am becoming more aware women with more oomph about them lack a lot of the qualities my ex did such as kindness and thoughtfulness......

i think its fair to say i let a very good girl go to pursue my desire and i suspect it could very well be something that will haunt me later down the line

Of course in saying that tomorrow i could meet a woman far more physically attractive with all the qualities my ex had and have the best of all worlds

I took a gamble , you have taken a gamble

Neither of us know if it will pay off yet.......

 

[EyeBRollin]

Recently no, I left the country in October 2020 which is 9 months ago. I've definitely not blown it, she wants this it's just been whether I wanted to pursue it.

Cant go back buddy. She can’t forget your actions. Move on.

 

[catsmeow]

This ship has sailed. Just move on. Blew it with this girl.

At this point, I agree. @Murk you're not ready or maybe @SoSuave666 is correct, she's NOT the one and it IS just your ego playing tricks.

Anyway it's obvious no matter which it is, fear of commitment or she's not the "one" or whatever your head and heart are telling you, do yourself AND her a favor and close this chapter and move on.

I've hidden my whole life due to childhood abuse and other traumatizing events (I did post about this years ago on here, it's the cause of my drug alcohol abuse, cheating and general vagabond dating style) and that meant as an attractive highly intelligent man I had to forego relationships and closeness with women (and men/friends) my whole life from childhood until my mother died in 2016 (I was 26) when I thought "fvck it, no more". I've had a mentally exhausting life, intelligence is a double-edged sword and my worries and fears consumed my life.

This^ is some pretty heavy stuff to be carrying around, you might want to consider getting some professional help to sort it out, along with some deep introspection on your part, assuming a committed RL is ultimately what you want.

 

[catsmeow]

@catsmeow So go meet up with her the day after she goes on a date? Shouldn't I be telling her not to go, she said she was going to cancel but now going anway.

I just saw this.

My advice, forget this other guy, like I said before the ONLY reason she's going on this date is to get you jealous, or light a fire under your butt (which it clearly HAS, lol). I don't recommend these tactics cause it IS a manipulation of sorts but it comes from a good place because she's literally crazy about you.

So step away from ego and put him and this "date" out of you mind, it's irrelevant. Focus on the two of you. Be the better man (which in her eyes you already are anyway), my point is there is no need for you to be concerned about this other guy, he's NOTHING.

He is not a threat to you.

 

[Gamisch]

Yes, I have before. I know I can get beautiful women and my smv only goes up. I just think the connection with this woman is strong enough to keep me around for life

I sent her the text I drafted earlier and she accused me of testing her, she admitted she is going on the date tomorrow after some probing, because she feels unsure of what I want, keeping her options open I guess? She feels she dersves to go oon a date as I'm not taking her out on dates. She will know after if she really needs to be with me, or if we wont work. I asked if that means if she likes this guy after the date, shes not interested in me, but she said no, but surely there's no other way to interpret that?

She wants to meet Saturday at 12pm, I feel like if I go after her going on a dinner date tomorrow I will feel like a simp/cuck

You sound rather confident when it comes to self image , I like that. The only woman on this forum gives you r/ relationship type of advice (dont know what to think of it) .

Realistically looking at it, I think you broke the connection to a point where she is ready to date other people. If genders were reversed, we would all salute a brother for moving on...

But hey, I feel you. In a similar situation. My strategy though is be a nasty , remorseless player for now ,trying to have my cake and eat it too..maybe that's a option? Or do you want her to stay"pure"? Cause that might be to late now...

 

[Murk]

I took a gamble , you have taken a gamble

Neither of us know if it will pay off yet.......

That's very true, a few months living together will be a litmus test and we will both know either way.

@catsmeow I have had therapy, it was recommended by someone on this site in 2017 actually, but never explored the fear of commitment angle, it's a new idea to me

 

[catsmeow]

The only woman on this forum...

I am not the only woman on this forum, there are two others and even more over the years, but one who still posts fairly regularly (over 3500 posts) and is highly regarded by some.

Just sayin....

 

[Murk]

You sound rather confident when it comes to self image , I like that. The only woman on this forum gives you r/ relationship type of advice (dont know what to think of it) .

Realistically looking at it, I think you broke the connection to a point where she is ready to date other people. If genders were reversed, we would all salute a brother for moving on...

But hey, I feel you. In a similar situation. My strategy though is be a nasty , remorseless player for now ,trying to have my cake and eat it too..maybe that's a option? Or do you want her to stay"pure"? Cause that might be to late now...

It's literally a second date with a guy, it took me a while of knowing her, then some dates to bang her, and she loved me from the moment we met. I don't believe sex is going to occur here

 

[EyeBRollin]

It's literally a second date with a guy, it took me a while of knowing her, then some dates to bang her, and she loved me from the moment we met. I don't believe sex is going to occur here

You shouldn’t care. She’s an ex. Move on.

 

[catsmeow]

I have had therapy, it was recommended by someone on this site in 2017 actually, but never explored the fear of commitment angle, it's a new idea to me

Well I am very familiar with fear of commitment and all the anxiety it creates, my brother is a huge "commitment phobe," he's now in his 40s and STILL runs from every woman once he begins developing strong feelings and/or when she pushes for more than what he's been giving up to that point.

Damn I have seen him in a literal panic with some women when it looks like things are heading towards commitment. Women he claimed to be in love with prior to that happening. The "one" his "soulmate," but as soon as commitment is even hinted (even if it's just in his own head), he's off and running in a panic.

And he has dated some extremely beautiful young women, models, actresses (he lives in LA), her looks have nothing to do with it nor does her personality, or education or anything else, it's all him which he even admits.

I mean come on, he's in his 40s now, it's become a very clear pattern. The sad part is he really wants commitment but again runs from it every time, it creates too much anxiety for him.

He had a traumatic childhood as well, we both have actually, grew up with the same parents in the same dysfunctional and toxic marriage.
TBH I use to struggle with my own fears, but I've done a lot of work on myself, a lot of introspection, growing, evolving and healing so my fears are all pretty much behind me in that regard.