"I don't want he to be like my father" turns into exactly that

[tesla8520]

Hi friends, so I've been dating this woman for a month, and she's telling me a bit about her past.
Above all, I'm getting her to tell me about her relationship with her father.

He's a very absent man; his job requires him to leave at 9 in the morning and return home at 9 in the evening.

She tells me how, as a child, she always saw her mother "going out of her way" to tell her father not to come home late at night, and to come soon, to spend his time with the kids before bed. And that this happened once in five or six days a week. They saw him very little. Like her mother has to beg for him.
Also, She told me how her mother suspected her father loyalty and had to put a private investigator.

I'm really suspecting that this girl would be a perfect match for a guy who's absent, avoidant, and, above all, who makes her relive that hell. That is, in this case, if a man were to ever have a family or a child with her, all she expects from her man is to have to scold him for coming home late at night, or doubt about him for cheating. I think that's all she wants, but obviously says she doesn't want it.

So this arise a discussiom: have you ever noticed some of the things women say about "not making the same mistake as their parents" and then, when they grow up, they actually do that exactly as their parents did?
Or have you ever experienced women who managed somehow to gorw and have done the opposite?

 

[Gamisch]

Most people live in a perpetual loop of their past.

You might be surprised to learn how similar even grand parents might have been compared to their offspring. To put it simply: if you're entire lineage was poor you will be poor as well..your choice of partner to reproduce with will be poor thus she will raise kids with a bad mentality. And as soon as that happens your OWN lineage is already out of your control...

Im battling this myself. And it takes CONSTANT effort and hard work as you start life being behind 0-3 . It's easy to just throw the towel and ride with it.

Most guys I know do end up like their parents ,or when they're older than lets say 30 they desperately try to satisfy their parents/ family's vision sometimes for better or for worse....women have a different type of pressure and pleasure, thus they will be forced to make life decisions even younger...( as we discussed in a recent thread, a 30 y.o woman who has no kids or at least a LTR is already a red flag to most men).

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Stop trying to psycho analyze people...it usually turns out you are going to be wrong more often than not.

 

[Sega Genesis]

Hi friends, so I've been dating this woman for a month, and she's telling me a bit about her past.
Above all, I'm getting her to tell me about her relationship with her father.

Hey @tesla8520 I am pretty familiar with this^ except for me the relationship that was toxic growing up was with my mother.

Have you heard of something called "repetition compulsion"? If you've ever been in therapy trying to heal from a past traumatic relationship it's fairly common.

Below is an explanation of what it is:

Repetition compulsion is an unconscious, uncontrollabe desire to re-create traumatic events or painful relationship patterns from the past (typically childhood), in an attempt to achieve a different and better outcome.

It leads people to repeatedly place themselves in harmful situations similar to childhood or past experiences.

There are many examples but one very common example is choosing a romantic partner who is emotionally distant or abusive, mirroring the toxic dynamic from childhood hoping to change the outcome via the new relationship.

In short, may sound odd but it's about healing (or attempting to heal) past trauma making way for new healthier ways of relating.

P.S. Sadly though in many cases it goes awry and the person ends up repeating the same toxic experience as they did in childhood leading to a vicious cycle of unhealthy, toxic and sometimes abusive relationships.

 

[BaronOfHair]

@tesla8520 ""I don't want he to be like my father" turns into exactly that"

For men, insisting to ourselves "I'm nothing like my pops" is often enough a recipie for becoming a creatures who's sins EXCEED those of his forefathers. Sons Of Anarchy spent 7 seasons enlightening us to this fact of life