My head is aching from all the mental confusion. This isn't mean to be an emo post or anything. I'm 20 years old and for the past few years I've been more confused than I have ever been in my life. To the point where I have an ongoing identity crisis, this mental problematic fortress I've built around myself. I don't know how to act, nor do I know who I am. I'm very aware of my ego, almost to the point that it makes me nautious. This has been going on for a while. I've lost sanity a while back, because i'm so over-analytical of everything I do socially that I can never just lay back, relax and enjoy myself for a change. I've been told to just "relax, go with the flow" and I've tried doing that. Guess what? My head just makes another mental conception, the ego creates yet another reality saying "go with the flow." It's another mask, the go with the flow mask. I can't escape the masks. I don't know how to explain it but the social masks are driving me insane. I hate being an actor, but being an actor is what's gotten me through so far.
I've been told that I'm extremely intelligent, and that my wit is very good. I am a witty person who can make people laugh pretty easily. So that's not really an issue. People generally like me, but deep down inside, I'm not even sure anymore if I like myself even when my ego shouts "I love you." "You're fine" "You're brilliant" or whatnot it's still an ongoing hellish war of my mind constantly having to reaffirm itself and its positive reality. In other words, to stay above water I'm practically in constant panic just to hold onto my sanity.
Being an actor has gotten me laid by seven women so far in my life. It has made me friends and whatnot. I have constant anxiety even when I'm by myself now from overthinking everything. I've experienced with psychedelics in the past and had clear ego free visions of my true infinite nature. Beautiful experience and it was my first time feeling homefree and happy to express my divine spirit in the longest time. I learned a lot about single consciousness and there being a single universal being from my trips, there's some kind of unity that connects all of our essences, but it's really just one elongated essence. Not going to bother philosophizing, since that's aside from the point. I've also experienced a couple of bad trips at the end of the streak where I thought I was losing sanity on the drug, and it ****ed me up pretty bad. Made me five times more over-analytical and deep and gave me permanent neck/head pain resulting from some kind of post-traumatic stress disorder after the trips.
Since then I've literally been in hell, no sense of happiness of peace and basically finding life and all its facets meaningless. Like we're all here and there is no purpose. Socialization has become even more of a joke, and since I find talking to be inane and pointless since in the long run we're here to experience and then die, and that conversational topics generally repeat themselves to pass the time, it's reinforced my actor mask even more.
I've used the egoic ******* tricks to get laid and it worked. Even thoug it's not me. I don't know who I am. I'm so lost in the dark, so confused. My head aches just from thinking about it. I don't know what to do, or what first step to take if I want to escape my mental hell. I'm just wondering if anyone else here experienced this, or close to it and came out of their depression and mental hell and found peace. I've tried meditation but it never works for me, my mind will like transform and convince itself that it's not thinking. Gah.
I was getting laid a few weeks ago by a girl by putting the mask on, a FB of mine, but now she's gone and I'm alone. This other girl I hung out with today, despite using my mask, she ended up eventually making up an excuse that she had to go to dinner. Who knows, maybe she sensed my inner awkwardness. Gah.
I don't know anymore. Please help me. I'll do anything to get out of this rut.
I've been told that I'm extremely intelligent, and that my wit is very good. I am a witty person who can make people laugh pretty easily. So that's not really an issue. People generally like me, but deep down inside, I'm not even sure anymore if I like myself even when my ego shouts "I love you." "You're fine" "You're brilliant" or whatnot it's still an ongoing hellish war of my mind constantly having to reaffirm itself and its positive reality. In other words, to stay above water I'm practically in constant panic just to hold onto my sanity.
Being an actor has gotten me laid by seven women so far in my life. It has made me friends and whatnot. I have constant anxiety even when I'm by myself now from overthinking everything. I've experienced with psychedelics in the past and had clear ego free visions of my true infinite nature. Beautiful experience and it was my first time feeling homefree and happy to express my divine spirit in the longest time. I learned a lot about single consciousness and there being a single universal being from my trips, there's some kind of unity that connects all of our essences, but it's really just one elongated essence. Not going to bother philosophizing, since that's aside from the point. I've also experienced a couple of bad trips at the end of the streak where I thought I was losing sanity on the drug, and it ****ed me up pretty bad. Made me five times more over-analytical and deep and gave me permanent neck/head pain resulting from some kind of post-traumatic stress disorder after the trips.
Since then I've literally been in hell, no sense of happiness of peace and basically finding life and all its facets meaningless. Like we're all here and there is no purpose. Socialization has become even more of a joke, and since I find talking to be inane and pointless since in the long run we're here to experience and then die, and that conversational topics generally repeat themselves to pass the time, it's reinforced my actor mask even more.
I've used the egoic ******* tricks to get laid and it worked. Even thoug it's not me. I don't know who I am. I'm so lost in the dark, so confused. My head aches just from thinking about it. I don't know what to do, or what first step to take if I want to escape my mental hell. I'm just wondering if anyone else here experienced this, or close to it and came out of their depression and mental hell and found peace. I've tried meditation but it never works for me, my mind will like transform and convince itself that it's not thinking. Gah.
I was getting laid a few weeks ago by a girl by putting the mask on, a FB of mine, but now she's gone and I'm alone. This other girl I hung out with today, despite using my mask, she ended up eventually making up an excuse that she had to go to dinner. Who knows, maybe she sensed my inner awkwardness. Gah.
I don't know anymore. Please help me. I'll do anything to get out of this rut.
on Juan"