I broke my own rules

[NewMan]

Somewhere along here, I got comfortable. maybe relaxed, I'm not really sure, but I'm questioning myself and my feelings.

I broke up with my GF over 8 months ago.

She clung on tight, and we continued to see each other and fvck. The sex was always great - always has been, and maybe even got better.

I was in control - and even though I insisted that we were broken up, she continued to see me - always wanting to get back together, willing to work on things and make improvements. Sex was readily available, and even though she got offers of dates and what not, she ignored them and we continued to fullfill our sexual needs together without the "relationship".

I maintained we were not together, we had broken up, and she needed to work on some personnel problems/issues. I even insisted she should date - get out there and figure yourself out - I'd say to her. But she didn't and continued to want me back, spending time with me whenever I'd fit her in.

Me - well I got lazy. Working to hard - and getting easy sex, taking things for granted. I had double knee surgery - finally years in the gym and sports had gotten the best of me - she, helped me recover. Was there for my surgery's - was there to help when I got home - and I got lazy. Easy sex, no effort, no relationship to deal with. No gym, eating bad, working to hard, late hours no exercise - boozing and pizza.

Last week I got back from vacation - she wanted to see me and I went over there - easy sex, no effort. The sex was - well as great as usual - and then after she told me. - Para phrased -

"I love you. I'd marry you in a second. But this 8 months I feel we've just been stagnating - I do love you with all my heart, but I know this is going no where. Your not going to ever ask me to get back together - everyone's telling me I'm crazy and I need to move on."

Me: "To be honest, they are probably right. There were a number of issues that had to be dealt with:

Her: "you don't spend time with me, how can you know if things have changed anyway? But I've meet someone - and we've been dating. I don't know why, but I feel guilty - I slept with him - and after I felt terrible - I love you, but you've been telling me for the last 8 months that we are broken up, so I shouldn't even feel guilty. But I do - I felt terrible after."

Me: I didn't know what to say.

Her: "He's a great guy - and he's into me - like you used to be at the start. I miss the way you would look at me as I walked into the room - and the way you would watch me from accross the room - the way you would make me feel. Not that I needed to, but I wanted to tell you - because I felt so guilty"

I made some lame a## excuse aqbout how she should have been honest and told me before hand.

I left.

Got multiple texts and phone calls and "I love you's"

I got lazy. And now I'm in inner turmoil. The thought of not having her around is eating at me - As is the thought of her "interacting" with someone else. How can I go from control, to no control?

She says that she wants me, but not like before. It's all or nothing.....

Last I night we talked for the first time since. I ignored her calls. I went over at 1am - when I left this morning I told her that this feels like the last time I'll be doing this..

Somewhere in there, I lost my game plan - My bluff was called - and I've be caught.

 

[Alexander the Great]

EDIT: I posted utter crap. Better opinions below. I should read more carefully next time...

 

[samspade]

Yes, you lost control of your relationship (as it were) with this girl. But that is a byproduct of you losing control of yourself.

Like you said, you got lazy. As Bill Parcells once said, "if you're not getting better, you're getting worse." You stopped sharpening the saw. You stopped exercising, you spent too much time at work, your diet got worse, you boozed a little more than you should have...and you took her for granted.

I think this girl held on longer than most girls would. She probably has done you a favor by leaving you. It may be salvaged, but you have to work on #1 right now.

I'm sure you're smart enough not to beg for her back. Focus on yourself, get back on the horse, and you'll either lasso some new women or the old one will come back. Then you can figure out if it really was her, or simply the readily available sex, that you were attached to.

 

[Desdinova]

Somewhere in there, I lost my game plan - My bluff was called - and I've be caught.

No, what happened was that you wanted your cake and to eat it too. You broke up with her, but still wanted the sex. When you break up with a woman, CUT ALL TIES. Now, she's making you feel guilty for not severing the ties completely. 8 months have passed and your reasons for ending the relationship are not clear in your memory anymore. She's taking advantage of that, and is making you question your decision.

Your emotions are stronger than your memories of why you broke up with her. Take this moment and remember why you ended the relationship. Remember what she did. Remember how it made you feel. Remember how pissed off you were.

I have a question to ask you... is this the lying drunk you posted about in the past?

 

[broken dreams]

wow. New Man. I dont know what to say. It sounds sad dude.

I felt like that, but like the guys here are giving SOLID advice to cut ties, if you are going to do it , do it for yourself.

It looks like a circle that is never gonna end, she already has a guy and you should move on. eventhough you can have her on your terms still you are down to the bench.and longterm she is making you still be with her eventhough she is obviously moving on with help of her friends w new guy.

As I read this , I felt myself in your shoes and felt the sadness and disappointment you feel.

I may not be the most experienced to give you advice but I felt how you feel.

Your bluff was called by being Incongruent.

So she knows that you will do whatever against your word or your will to still sleep with her and she will have you.

I myself forgot why I reacted and got upset at first with my previous ride. I had to look over the emails and the analyze why I reacted the way I did. cause you will forget, my friend. They wont.

But first realize that you must accept things how they are.

You can only change yourself and not others.

Best,

 

[jophil28]

No, what happened was that you wanted your cake and to eat it too. You broke up with her, but still wanted the sex.

That is exactly what happened.

Your diagnosis " I let myself go" is NOT the reason that she found another guy. SHe swung across to another guy because you told her to date and she was not getting what she wanted from the relationship with you.

" I let myself go" as explanation for her actions is based in a misbelief that some rookie DJs have that IF you are fit and eat right and practise DJ self care principles that you will have women at your beck and call and you can do whatever you please with them and to them with impunity.

Perhaps she clung to hope and fantasy for some 8 months in some vague wish that you would perhaps change your mind ..What you did not realise was that she was out shopping for a new guy ,and she found one..

WHat you did was the male equivalent of what women do when they do not want to pursue or continue an LTR with a man . They stick him in the "friendzone" but continue to take all the rewards and benefits of having him around without the involvement and commitment from her.THis works in the woman's favor because he also amps up his efforts to try to get her back. In your case she amped up the sex to cement what was left of the relationship BUT she was getting ready to move on, if and when she met another contender.

The shifting sands of power and fortune.

 

[decades]

be a man and move on.

 

[NewMan]

No, what happened was that you wanted your cake and to eat it too. You broke up with her, but still wanted the sex.

Yes, you are right - that's exactly what I did, and it was fine for the first 8 months.

I realize what I did - and what led me to this juncture.

Your diagnosis " I let myself go" is NOT the reason that she found another guy. SHe swung across to another guy because you told her to date and she was not getting what she wanted from the relationship with you.

" I let myself go" as explanation for her actions is based in a misbelief that some rookie DJs have that IF you are fit and eat right and practise DJ self care principles that you will have women at your beck and call and you can do whatever you please with them and to them with impunity.

Perhaps she clung to hope and fantasy for some 8 months in some vague wish that you would perhaps change your mind ..What you did not realise was that she was out shopping for a new guy ,and she found one..

WHat you did was the male equivalent of what women do when they do not want to pursue or continue an LTR with a man . They stick him in the "friendzone" but continue to take all the rewards and benefits of having him around without the involvement and commitment from her.THis works in the woman's favor because he also amps up his efforts to try to get her back. In your case she amped up the sex to cement what was left of the relationship BUT she was getting ready to move on, if and when she met another contender.

I agree to all of this.

I did not give her what she wanted - and she was clinging to hope that things would change.

I know why I lost her - I know it wasn't because I'm out of shape - but I used that to point out where I was coming from - my state of mind and condition.

What I don't understand is, when I found out she had started to date, why I reacted as I did. Why I felt I was suddenly having a great loss - why I suddenly in competition with whoever she was dating. Why suddenly do I feel this way, when this was what I was pushing her to do? I broke up with her, yet suddenly I feel this way.

I guess that's the turmoil inside. I'm trying to understand why I suddenly feel like this. Is it only because the sex was great - is it because of pride/ego?

I spoke with her late last night and went over to her place.

In your case she amped up the sex to cement what was left of the relationship BUT she was getting ready to move on, if and when she met another contender.

She's told me, she'd rather be with me.

Your emotions are stronger than your memories of why you broke up with her. Take this moment and remember why you ended the relationship. Remember what she did. Remember how it made you feel. Remember how pissed off you were.

I have a question to ask you... is this the lying drunk you posted about in the past?

There is definitely lots of truth to this. And yes, it is that girl - very observant of you. I broke up with her last year - In December I had my first knee surgery and she helped me - and again in June. She really has done a lot for me over the years.

 

[Chrispy]

e - well I got lazy. Working to hard - and getting easy sex, taking things for granted. I had double knee surgery - finally years in the gym and sports had gotten the best of me - she, helped me recover. Was there for my surgery's - was there to help when I got home - and I got lazy. Easy sex, no effort, no relationship to deal with. No gym, eating bad, working to hard, late hours no exercise - boozing and pizza.

Last week I got back from vacation - she wanted to see me and I went over there - easy sex, no effort. The sex was - well as great as usual - and then after she told me. - Para phrased -

"I love you. I'd marry you in a second. But this 8 months I feel we've just been stagnating - I do love you with all my heart, but I know this is going no where. Your not going to ever ask me to get back together - everyone's telling me I'm crazy and I need to move on."

Sorry to hear of this situation. Well, I hate to say it...I really do, but I think that you may have out-DJ'd yourself. She sounded like a keeper: she took care of you as you were recovering. Side question: That sounds painful by the way. Is there any way you could have avoided those surgeries or is it just wear and tear that resulted in the need for surgery?

Let's go back for a moment - Why did you break up with her? Were you afraid of losing control? It sounded like she was putting more in the relationship, so eventually she gave up. Don't think of her as having cheated on you or anything since officially you weren't together with her.

It sounds to me at this point in time, you're at a bottom. Not because of the mess with the girl, but the physical recovery and the absence of sports. I think that you should focus on that and build everything from there.

I know where you're coming from. Life without physical sports isn't the same. There's quite a bit of rehab to work through but you do come back stronger (and more careful with sports!).

So now you're down and out and don't have the girl who worked harder. Ask yourself just this one question: do you want her back? Also ask why you didn't want to commit. There must have been a decent reason besides laziness. Either way, you still have to re-build yourself and be that sharp saw you once were. Next time around (no matter who it will be) you'll find that balance of being in control, having that great $ex, yet still putting your all for the relationship.

 

[Desdinova]

I know why I lost her

You initially wanted to lose her. Well, except the sex.

What I don't understand is, when I found out she had started to date, why I reacted as I did.

You were in a relationship with this woman. You emotionally invested in her. Whether you like it or not, you cannot completely turn your emotions off when you've verbally ended a relationship. Words don't make emotion go away, absence does. That's why you should have just ended everything. You can't build a relationship with someone and then take parts of it away. The whole thing will eventually crumble.

And yes, it is that girl

I should probably come down to LA and kick your ass personally.

The way I see it, you have two choices to make:

1) Revive the relationship. You obviously have the opportunity. The only drawback is her drinking UNLESS she has made a vow to herself NEVER to touch it again. If she's still hiding it from everyone, you're only asking for trouble and the situation will continually get worse as time goes on. NOBODY needs an alcoholic in their life.

2) Cut all contact and move on, NO EXCEPTIONS.

 

[SunnyD]

Yes...OFCOURSE it is pride/ego and the feeling of being "replaced." Remember all the advice you have given ME as being that girl???? (which I still appreciate by the way, you were one of the few who really got it..now I know why...) I was her, you were him..and everything you told me was right, so you know exactly what it is.

It's a ****ty feeling, but its not "her" you're missing and you know this. You miss all the benefits of a gf that she gave you: taking care of you, great sex, attention. You don't miss the commitment otherwise you would have made one a long time ago.

 

[NewMan]

That sounds painful by the way. Is there any way you could have avoided those surgeries or is it just wear and tear that resulted in the need for surgery?

I wish. Had ligament and cartlidge issues - getting back to normal though. Years of playing sports had done the damage.

So now you're down and out and don't have the girl who worked harder. Ask yourself just this one question: do you want her back? Also ask why you didn't want to commit. There must have been a decent reason besides laziness

She was drinking and hiding it - it bacame an issue so I left.

 

[NewMan]

You initially wanted to lose her. Well, except the sex.

Very, very true.

You were in a relationship with this woman. You emotionally invested in her. Whether you like it or not, you cannot completely turn your emotions off when you've verbally ended a relationship. Words don't make emotion go away, absence does. That's why you should have just ended everything. You can't build a relationship with someone and then take parts of it away. The whole thing will eventually crumble.

Makes sense - it's a shame when the end is near so to speak, all the BS is torn away and your basically left with raw feelings. Lesson learnt for the future is not to mix FB with an Ex.

The way I see it, you have two choices to make:

1) Revive the relationship. You obviously have the opportunity. The only drawback is her drinking UNLESS she has made a vow to herself NEVER to touch it again. If she's still hiding it from everyone, you're only asking for trouble and the situation will continually get worse as time goes on. NOBODY needs an alcoholic in their life.

2) Cut all contact and move on, NO EXCEPTIONS.

Tough decision to be honest. hard to throw away a woman that takes care fo you so well.

 

[NewMan]

It's a ****ty feeling, but its not "her" you're missing and you know this. You miss all the benefits of a gf that she gave you: taking care of you, great sex, attention. You don't miss the commitment otherwise you would have made one a long time ago.

What if there were amber flags preventing you from making that commitment? Doesn't that bare weight in the decision?

Nothing is perfect - and I'm probably way to critical - always seeking perfection that no one can live up to. I'm a real pain the in A##.

 

[decades]

I would definitely say that you have some abandonment issues. Judging from your past threads, you can't seem to "end" a relationship even when it's way past it's expiration date.

 

[Colossus]

Desdinova just dropped some WISDOM on you, NewMan.

There is not much I can add to that. I will reiterate that having your cake and eating it too is ALWAYS a temporary proposition. I have tried this (sleeping w/ an ex) several times in the past, and it usually ends in more of a mess than if you just cut it off clean in the first place.

This really IS the equivalent of a woman stringing a guy along in the friend-cuddle zone but never touching his pen1s. She wins, you lose.

I don't know your history with this girl, but I would strongly caution you to use ruthless discretion when dating or considering dating a woman with a drinking problem. If they cannot control their drinking you can bet your bank there are other unfavorable behaviors that follow suit.

 

[Colossus]

Tough decision to be honest. hard to throw away a woman that takes care of you so well.

Some women you will love to death, and yet they can barely take care of themselves, much less you.

Others will treat you like their KING, but your feelings for them are always somewhat neutral.

This is still a mystery to me.

 

[Da Realist]

You used her. You got what you wanted and she got nothing. I know its blunt, but that's what happened. It's not love you're feeling, but anxiety that you became dependent on her. What I think though is that she pulled a power play to get you to commit. I say play it the way you want to. Let her go or try again; either way, you need to get yourself together mentally and physically.

 

[Desdinova]

Nothing is perfect - and I'm probably way to critical - always seeking perfection that no one can live up to.

NewMan, YOU have to decide what 'imperfections' are tolerable and which ones aren't. A LTR is for the long haul. When you're searching for a woman to keep around for a lengthy period of time (possibly for the rest of your life), you NEED to decide what you can live with and what you can't. If she has a drinking problem and you're fine with that, then your problem is solved.

When something questionable comes up, you need to put your foot down when the issue first arises. If you don't take care of it immediately, it grows into a fvcking huge problem. However, I'm guessing your woman has been drinking long before you came into the picture.

You also CANNOT be afraid to get rid of her if she doesn't meet your expectations, regardless of how many wonderful things she's done for you, and regardless of how long you've been with her. You need to keep yourself happy, your emotions positive, and your confidence high. If her presence starts taking those things away from you, you need to get rid of her.

My woman knows that if she fvcks up big time, she'll get booted out the door. She'd rather not take that risk and keeps her behavior in check. She ain't perfect, but she's putting effort into being a good 'mate', and I can't fault her for that.

 

[Phyzzle]

Well don't I feel clever. Here's what I said in a previous thread about this girl.

Basically, I'm afraid that if you ever dump her, she'll be with a new guy the following month, and then you will totally freak out and try to get back the best thing you ever had, and fail. This seems to happen a lot.

It's an ambiguous situation, because you didn't break up with her for how she was actually treating you, but only because she would drink a lot and hide it from you.

Frankly, I would solve this problem by letting her drink right in front of me. Hell, the girl I've been seeing this past 2 months, I don't think we ever stop drinking when we're around each other. It's just how we are.

Anyhow, I remember you've tried ultimatums to get her to stop drinking, and she defied them and tried to hide it (repeatedly). Have you tried demanding that she join AA? Have you tried drastic measures to help her out? ("Give me your money so you can't buy booze" heheh.) Or have you really concluded for good that she will never stop, and that you can never possibly tolerate living with it?

I agree with your admission that your current hurts are largely a result of laziness. You forgot that having a successful social life takes work. You can't just work hard at your job and expect that having a successful career will spill over into having a social life.

One non-committed FB is a bit precarious, especially when you have such a long history with her. The point of being non-committed is that you can have more than one, and you should have been pushing at the social life to line up other leads. If you had a second FB lined up - even one you didn't really like all that much - I'm pretty sure there would be little pain from having this woman pull away.