I blew it with jealousy...need some help.

[Atom Smasher]

Hi Guys,

I recently blew a great interaction I had going online and by phone because of jealousy.

It has me in its grip, and I'm looking for some resources for handling it.

If anyone has any links to resources on dealing with eradicating jealousy, I'd appreciate it.

 

[speed dawg]

I don't have the words...

 

[squirrels]

You shouldn't have edited that post. What are you afraid of? Yes, you chumped out. If you're not willing to take that criticism and learn from it, then you're not ready to help yourself either.

Is there a way to do any kind of damage control

The answer to this question is always an emphatic NO.

Does anyone know of any sites or techniques to get this jealousy thing handled?

Yes...stop thinking about your life as so hopeless when it comes to women. Your jealousy stems from an underlying feeling that you're "not good enough" to keep a woman's interest. There are no "sites" or "techniques". If you want a woman, you MUST believe you DESERVE her. If you do NOT, you will ALWAYS be jealous, ALWAYS be afraid that the next alpha-male who comes along will snatch her away from you.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Squirrels,

As you can see I edited my original message to eliminate the AFC angst, but when you say things like, "stop thinking about your life as so hopeless when it comes to women" and "you must believe you deserve her", the question naturally arises, "How?" At this point, the "how" is completely hidden from me.

I am completely ignorant as to how to fix this, which is why I brought it up here. I'm just trying to make an honest assesement of my situation and trying to get a foothold on dealing with a character flaw. I imagine there must be some guys here who started off not knowing how to handle their own flaws and who made some improvement or got it completely handled.

 

[Vulpine]

How?

The answer lies in the link at the bottom of this page marked "The DJ Bible".

Read and learn, that's how you fix "it".

 

[Atom Smasher]

Thanks...I'm on it now.

 

[Interceptor]

AS,
all your problems stem from fundamentally two things:
Operating from FEAR.
Not being able to assert your Personal Boundaries.

Whenever you cant pinpoint your problem, and things are vague, it is a problem directly related to your Personal Boundary. Whenever you feel like you've been taken advantage of, it is because you arent protecting your resources, and managing them, it is due to not asserting your values and self respect, thus, not protecting your self with your Personal Boundaries.


Whenever you try to protect yourself from irrational beleifs, you operate out of FEAR. When you micro manage your self image , it is because of FEAR.
When you desperately cling to someone , it is from FEAR.
When you need constant reassurance , it is from FEAR.

Thus, you need to concentrate on Self Love and Self Acceptance.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Interceptor,

Thanks for the reply. I understand what you are saying about operating from fear, and of course this is true of me.

But I can't quite figure out what you mean with Personal Boundaries as it relates to my jealousy. Would you mind explaining it a bit more?

 

[Atom Smasher]

You shouldn't have edited that post. What are you afraid of? Yes, you chumped out. If you're not willing to take that criticism and learn from it, then you're not ready to help yourself either.

I edited it because I'm ashamed of myself and appalled that I have emotions that seem to be at present beyond my control.

It sounded so sickeningly AFC that I thought I thought I should reword it in a way where people might want to offer advice instead of shaking their heads in disgust after reading my pity party.

I'm not sure what to do because I'm facing my demons and I don't have the tools yet to so this effectively.

 

[Vulpine]

I edited it because I'm ashamed of myself and appalled that I have emotions that seem to be at present beyond my control.

It sounded so sickeningly AFC that I thought I thought I should reword it in a way where people might want to offer advice instead of shaking their heads in disgust after reading my pity party.

I'm not sure what to do because I'm facing my demons and I don't have the tools yet to so this effectively.

Less typing, more reading. The DJ Bible, go, read, learn, fix it. Noone can fix YOU but YOU.

Squirrels doesn't care if you are ashamed, a victim of your emotions, or are completely retarded. Nobody really cares but you.

All of your tools are in the DJ Bible, man the ƒuck up and read it: quit being a baby.

I'm sad!
I messed up with a chick.
I have demons!
I don't know!

Read

the

DJ

Bible.

 

[Interceptor]

It means that you feel like something is being taken away from you.
In the case of jealousy, you feel threatened that you will lose something. You dont want another to enjoy what you may feel entitled to.
Since you feel that she is scarce, and you will lose a lot if she's with someone else, you feel more anxiety and threat since you dont know how to handle these types of circumstances.

You cannot cling too tightly to people. You will suffocate them and smother them. You cannot also be on top of them monitoring everything they do.
You have to learn to just trust them.
If they betray your trust, then you know, and you move on if you feel you dont tolerate disrespect like that.
If you desire her soooo much that you will set aside your values and principles, then you become a door mat. Since you cant assert your boundaries against her behavior.

When we feel our resources are scarce (love, emotions, time, effort, intelliegence, ideas, happiness, money, etc) we tend to act in very greedy ways. We tend to not give out, and expect others to give to us. And at some point, we may become cynical , and start to expect poor class and poor behavior from everyone.

Personal boundaries are our way of asserting our values.

ie. I dont tolerate people being late when we've set aside a certain time to meet, and we agreed to it.Or violate a verbal agreement of any kind, when we shook hands and agreed to it. Violate that, and you dont get anymore of my resources. Thus, I then tend to lower them from my importance list so to speak. They get less of me, since they dont appreciate my time, money, emotions, mental and emotional well being, peace of mind, etc...


Also, certain situations like someone tries to get me to react negatively is them trying to poke a hole in my boundary and get me to break.
Or someone acting rudely. I try to not let these people disturb my mental peace of mind. My well being. if they behave rudely, I dont let them 'take' my well being, and try to stay centered and not lash out in vengeance. But I make mental note of their character. And know not to trust them with anything important of mine.
Howabout you're out with friends,and youve got a guy who's a moocher. And he expects you to pay for things for him? A lot of guys may give in and not try to lose him as a 'friend', or not want to get his dispproval. So they will give in, and pay for the other guy, even though they're under no obligation to pay for anything for that guy.
To stand up for yourself and not be taken advantage of, is asserting your personal boundary too.

So too is mainatining calm, and cool presence in difficult circumstances.

If you value your resources of well being, then you wont spend energy worrying about someone's approval of you, or what they think of you, or how are they going to react to you, etc..
SO you work on maintaining your peace of mind and well being.
You dont just let anyone have access to it.
You manage it.

Its all about our Values.

What do we Value?

Peace of mind.
Calmness and tranquility.
Money
Time
Love
Self Respect and Self Esteem.
etc...


When we feel these things are scarce, we get irritable.
Because our needs arent being met.
And if our needs arent being met, we tend to lash out in vengance and anger, since we feel so much resentment for not getting our needs met.

But we are responsible for that.Not other people, or life, or nature or anything.
Just us.

So it is irrational to be mad at another for not fulfilling us.

Thus, we begin to look at our resources and wellbeing rationally, and intelligently.
And we begin to take steps to monitor our resources, and manage them.

If we feel we have plenty of Love to give, then we dotn tend to act irritable or impatient. We dont lash out. And we can be nice, forgiving, tolerant, and emathic, understanding, and compassionate of others and their conditions.

But when we feel our needs arent getting met, we we will fight back, and try to cause hurt in others, to compensate for the hurt we feel. The lossof power and control drives us to hurt others to give us a sense fo temporary power. The power to hurt another.

But that is all illusion. Since there is and always be enough Love for everyone.

 

[Interceptor]

Less typing, more reading. The DJ Bible, go, read, learn, fix it. Noone can fix YOU but YOU.

Squirrels doesn't care if you are ashamed, a victim of your emotions, or are completely retarded. Nobody really cares but you.

All of your tools are in the DJ Bible, man the ƒuck up and read it: quit being a baby.

I'm sad!
I messed up with a chick.
I have demons!
I don't know!

Read

the

DJ

Bible.

Very well said.
Good one, Vulpine.

 

[Interceptor]

Basically, whenever we arent honoring ourselves, and respecting ourselves, and allowing others to not honor ourselves,and respect ourselves, we have a weak Personal Boundary.

 

[noobsauce]

Interceptor...I like those words. A good way to have a strong personal boundary I find is to have CONFIDENCE and to have confidence is to find a hobby that you love. For me, it's tennis. I love the sport and it gives me confidence which in turn makes me happy and feel good about myself that I don't care how others think of me. It reflects off of my and to my friends too. They find me more fun to hang around and I no longer have trouble hanging with girls or talking to them.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Interceptor,

Awesome answers... thanks. I printed it out and will be chewing on it at length, along with the bible which I've been reading all this afternoon.

The interesting thing is that I always do clearly define my boundaries to others and I call them on it when they're crossed. I come across as very strong in-person and I always garner respect.

The more I defined my boundaries with this particular chick, the more she went ga-ga over me. But then I started feeling jealous over how she referred to some other guy.

Oops... Didn't know how on earth to handle it because it came up so automatically. Everything you said makes sense and believe me, it wasn't typed in vain. I'm going to be digesting it and extracting everything I can out of it in order to get a handle on my issues.

 

[Vulpine]

Good luck, Atom Smasher. By the time you get done reading the DJ Bible, you'll laugh at yourself for this post, trust me, it will be a non-issue.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Good luck, Atom Smasher. By the time you get done reading the DJ Bible, you'll laugh at yourself for this post, trust me, it will be a non-issue.

Thanks, man. There's nothing that would make me happier.

The information so far is awesome. I'm going to be studying and applying as diligently as I possibly can.

 

[Atom Smasher]

DonS,

Well, I got a bit of a jump start a couple of months ago as I started walking 2 miles four to five days a week, along with a beginner's weight workout. And it has helped the confidence to a high degree.

I would love to be able to be so unaffected as in the scenario you described.

Thanks for the tips. I will definitely report back.

 

[Mavrick]

What needs to happen here is to make her the jealous one. Women like to know that they have a guy that picked them from many possible women. That creates a challenge. You do not need to be the jealous, worried one. She needs to be that person. If you can get her to be that person, you really won't have anything to worry about. She'll be the one trying to figure you out while you're doing pretty much whatever you want.

 

[Interceptor]

What needs to happen here is to make her the jealous one

I disagree on 'making' her anything.

I say find someone suitable and compatible , and let go of any manipulating.
Life is too short.
Who wants more drama and extra baggage?
Allow people to live their own life, and you live yours.