So I'm visiting my mom's place for a few days now.
I don't feel like she's emasculating me, or turning me into any less of a man.
She's just being sweet and nice.
My brother's still a little nutty, but we get along fine and it does us both good.
School is a pain in the ass, but I feel inspired. Sometimes I don't know what I'm going to do. I just study because I always wanted to study, because my father studied, and all my male ancestors basically studied.
I was just watching the new BBC documentary on Heinrich Himmler (The Decent One), which is basically old footage with narrations from all of Himmler's personal letters and diary entries. He explains how when he started going to University, right after Germany lost WWI, he knew not for whom he studied. He simply studied because it was his duty.
He also explained how he wished that he and the people around him were more like the old ancient germanics.
Somehow I feel the exact same way. For example Himmler explained how ashamed he was that he had overslept for some appointment he had made, and didn't hear his alarm clock.
My father became a Lawyer at 24 years of age and started a business at 26. His own father used to shave twice a day, and my father's grandfather apparantly only used to shower with cold water, he was the principal of a school, and he used to translate ancient coptic into german.
Himmler wrote how the non-disciplined generation of germans (Lol, If the generation of 1900 was undisciplined, I wonder what they are now) was such a danger for germany.
I feel the same way personally. I am up now at 3:47 AM writing this.
My father had the discipline to wake up at 7 AM without an alarm clock. Some might call it talent, but I call it discipline.
I mean, I know people that consider me disciplined for going to school, or for having some sense of integrity (not begging for cigarettes when I run out, for example), but I feel as though I could never measure up to my father, or really any previous generation of old germans.
I really cannot group myself in the same box as the germans of previous generations, as I barely know what their lives consisted of. All I know is that I have the same blood in my veins.
I do happen to have a japanese friend though, who knows much about honor, and pride.
He informed me that the only thing I have to be proud of is my own acheivements.
I really personally am proud to be the son of my father, a man that tought me quite a bit about honor, even though I cannot recall him once using the word "honor". Only "honest", he used that word plenty of times.
He also spoke much about duty. Pflicht in german.
The reason Himmler apparantly was studying at university, even though Germany had lost WWI, and he knew not why he was studying, was because it was his duty. I suppose my father may have felt the same way, being born in 1930, he started studying Law around 1947-1948. He was probably quite depressed at the time as well, not knowing why he was studying. He just studied because that was what had to be done.
Nowadays people don't have a sense of duty, or a sense of doing what must be done. People just do what they feel like.
This is sort of my dilemma. It also is my luxury though.
Today for example, I ordered 2 pairs of shoes online, something my father could never have done when he was young, something he wouldn't even do if he could. He was not one for material things.
We live in a time of materialistic luxury. Thanks to my father, who understood hard work, I can now buy 2 pairs of shoes through the internet, without really worrying about the consequences.
I must not worry about how undisciplined I am, I must not worry about studying. I simply should study while I have the time to study, as I should be grateful that my father worked hard enough to provide me the opportunity to study.
Also, he supplied me with enough money that I can wear nice clothes, eat well and go to the gym whenever I like.
My life really is a luxurious one compared to those of many in generations past.
I sometimes just long for a sense of purpose. Studying simply for the sake of studying is quite a "lost" way to feel.
I know so many people of my own generation, that don't study and are completely happy. I also know people though, that don't study, and don't do anything to advance their lives, and have no respect for themselves.
I simply will do what I am programmed to do. Whether biologically or through influences from the outer environment.
All I can do, is enjoy my life and study, while thinking of the past, and of the future.
It's now been 2 years and one day since my father died. He died on May 4th, 2013. In The Netherlands here, that's the "Day of remembrance of the dead", which is quite convenient for me and for my dead father, as I will be in a suitable environment to think of him and remember him. The earth is in the exact same position relative to the sun every year, on this day. The day he died. And it's coincidentally day of the remembrance of the dead.
Anyway, I'm just glad there's someone who feels the same way I feel: Inadequate compared to previous generations, slightly hopeless, and burdened with the duty of completing an education.
I'm not saying I feel 100% rejuvenated and 100% ready to tackle my exams and my projects. I just feel slightly better that there are more who feel like I do, and that they feel (or felt), the EXACT same as I do. Even if they are dead now. It's quite surprising to me even, that people felt this way in 1917, that previous generations of men were better, that they knew not for whom they toiled. I don't know for which future I study, besides my own future. Personally though I know there are greater things than my own individual existence. I wish I had a coherent community for which I could commit myself. Alas, I don't. I have my family, I have my friends, and I suppose I have my future wife (or woman), and my future children.
I don't know whether I study for myself, my wife, or for which community I study. I just study because I have the duty to study, as did my forefathers.
I also know that I have, materialistically speaking, a more luxurious life than all previous generations. I should enjoy that while I can, so that I can devote myself to school while I can, and also make sure to frequent the gym, so that I feel healthy and focussed mentally.
RIP Papi, I hope you are in heaven with your parents, and all of our ancestors.
PS: I don't know who would read all of this personal jibber-jabber from some guy out in internet-world. But I hope that if you read everything, you found it interesting, lol. I just have no one I can really communicate all of this to, and it helps to distill my thoughts when I write.
I don't feel like she's emasculating me, or turning me into any less of a man.
She's just being sweet and nice.
My brother's still a little nutty, but we get along fine and it does us both good.
School is a pain in the ass, but I feel inspired. Sometimes I don't know what I'm going to do. I just study because I always wanted to study, because my father studied, and all my male ancestors basically studied.
I was just watching the new BBC documentary on Heinrich Himmler (The Decent One), which is basically old footage with narrations from all of Himmler's personal letters and diary entries. He explains how when he started going to University, right after Germany lost WWI, he knew not for whom he studied. He simply studied because it was his duty.
He also explained how he wished that he and the people around him were more like the old ancient germanics.
Somehow I feel the exact same way. For example Himmler explained how ashamed he was that he had overslept for some appointment he had made, and didn't hear his alarm clock.
My father became a Lawyer at 24 years of age and started a business at 26. His own father used to shave twice a day, and my father's grandfather apparantly only used to shower with cold water, he was the principal of a school, and he used to translate ancient coptic into german.
Himmler wrote how the non-disciplined generation of germans (Lol, If the generation of 1900 was undisciplined, I wonder what they are now) was such a danger for germany.
I feel the same way personally. I am up now at 3:47 AM writing this.
My father had the discipline to wake up at 7 AM without an alarm clock. Some might call it talent, but I call it discipline.
I mean, I know people that consider me disciplined for going to school, or for having some sense of integrity (not begging for cigarettes when I run out, for example), but I feel as though I could never measure up to my father, or really any previous generation of old germans.
I really cannot group myself in the same box as the germans of previous generations, as I barely know what their lives consisted of. All I know is that I have the same blood in my veins.
I do happen to have a japanese friend though, who knows much about honor, and pride.
He informed me that the only thing I have to be proud of is my own acheivements.
I really personally am proud to be the son of my father, a man that tought me quite a bit about honor, even though I cannot recall him once using the word "honor". Only "honest", he used that word plenty of times.
He also spoke much about duty. Pflicht in german.
The reason Himmler apparantly was studying at university, even though Germany had lost WWI, and he knew not why he was studying, was because it was his duty. I suppose my father may have felt the same way, being born in 1930, he started studying Law around 1947-1948. He was probably quite depressed at the time as well, not knowing why he was studying. He just studied because that was what had to be done.
Nowadays people don't have a sense of duty, or a sense of doing what must be done. People just do what they feel like.
This is sort of my dilemma. It also is my luxury though.
Today for example, I ordered 2 pairs of shoes online, something my father could never have done when he was young, something he wouldn't even do if he could. He was not one for material things.
We live in a time of materialistic luxury. Thanks to my father, who understood hard work, I can now buy 2 pairs of shoes through the internet, without really worrying about the consequences.
I must not worry about how undisciplined I am, I must not worry about studying. I simply should study while I have the time to study, as I should be grateful that my father worked hard enough to provide me the opportunity to study.
Also, he supplied me with enough money that I can wear nice clothes, eat well and go to the gym whenever I like.
My life really is a luxurious one compared to those of many in generations past.
I sometimes just long for a sense of purpose. Studying simply for the sake of studying is quite a "lost" way to feel.
I know so many people of my own generation, that don't study and are completely happy. I also know people though, that don't study, and don't do anything to advance their lives, and have no respect for themselves.
I simply will do what I am programmed to do. Whether biologically or through influences from the outer environment.
All I can do, is enjoy my life and study, while thinking of the past, and of the future.
It's now been 2 years and one day since my father died. He died on May 4th, 2013. In The Netherlands here, that's the "Day of remembrance of the dead", which is quite convenient for me and for my dead father, as I will be in a suitable environment to think of him and remember him. The earth is in the exact same position relative to the sun every year, on this day. The day he died. And it's coincidentally day of the remembrance of the dead.
Anyway, I'm just glad there's someone who feels the same way I feel: Inadequate compared to previous generations, slightly hopeless, and burdened with the duty of completing an education.
I'm not saying I feel 100% rejuvenated and 100% ready to tackle my exams and my projects. I just feel slightly better that there are more who feel like I do, and that they feel (or felt), the EXACT same as I do. Even if they are dead now. It's quite surprising to me even, that people felt this way in 1917, that previous generations of men were better, that they knew not for whom they toiled. I don't know for which future I study, besides my own future. Personally though I know there are greater things than my own individual existence. I wish I had a coherent community for which I could commit myself. Alas, I don't. I have my family, I have my friends, and I suppose I have my future wife (or woman), and my future children.
I don't know whether I study for myself, my wife, or for which community I study. I just study because I have the duty to study, as did my forefathers.
I also know that I have, materialistically speaking, a more luxurious life than all previous generations. I should enjoy that while I can, so that I can devote myself to school while I can, and also make sure to frequent the gym, so that I feel healthy and focussed mentally.
RIP Papi, I hope you are in heaven with your parents, and all of our ancestors.
PS: I don't know who would read all of this personal jibber-jabber from some guy out in internet-world. But I hope that if you read everything, you found it interesting, lol. I just have no one I can really communicate all of this to, and it helps to distill my thoughts when I write.
