How to tell if an extroverted or shy woman is interested in you.

MDgood

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With 20 years of booty chasing under my belt, so to speak, here's some signs I've noticed about how extroverted women show they're interested, versus how shy women show they're interested.

EXTROVERTED WOMEN

Extroverted, aggressive women who are interested in you are very animated. Lots of eye contact, lots of smiling, lots of laughing, lots of talking, lots of touching. Easy to spot.

Extroverted, aggressive women who are NOT interested in you talk and look at everybody BUT you. These are easy to tell... you always have to go to them. They're the ones who look like they're having a good time, running around and talking to everybody else, and yet don't notice that you exist. Easy to spot, if only for the fact that you personally feel three inches tall in her presence.

SHY WOMEN

A shy woman who is neither attracted or totally disinterested in you... acts sort of normal, actually. Kind of quiet and deferential, prone to short periods of acting out and laughing loudly. She usually shows very little physical contact with anybody. When a shy, introverted woman being to develop positive or negative emotions towards you, that's when the change occurs.

Shy women who are interested in you become even more shy and introverted when they are around you. Their body movements become abbreviated and less flowing. Their words are more carefully chosen when talking, so they'll slow a lot of their speech down. Their look towards you is more of a wide-eyed, blank stare. They look down a lot when they talk to you. There's close to no physical contact from them, if any at all. The important thing to notice here is that they will choose to stay in your presence while you're around, AND THEY WILL TRY TO CARRY ON THE CONVERSATION WITH YOU, even if they're stumbling.

Compare their actions when they are around you with when they are around their own very close friends. You'll notice that they talk, laugh, smile, and act pretty normal when they're with their friends. Their speech is at a normal rate, body movements are flowing, etc. If you step into her group and she likes you, this normalcy all disappears.

Shy, introverted women who actively do not want you around will show a lot of the same signs as above. Limited body motion, lack of talking. The BIG difference is: SHE LIMITS THE TIME SHE'S AROUND YOU, AND SHE DOES NOT CHOOSE TO ENGAGE IN CONVERSATIONS WITH YOU. If you try to talk with her and she doesn't want you around, it's going to be a lot of responses with close-ended answers, and a lot of looking around on her part.

NOTE: When a shy woman is prone to playing "hard to get", they begin to appear as if they're totally disinterested, so it can be challenging to discern the two apart.
 

Oscar Wilde

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Originally posted by MDgood

Shy women who are interested in you become even more shy and introverted when they are around you.

The important thing to notice here is that they will choose to stay in your presence while you're around, AND THEY WILL TRY TO CARRY ON THE CONVERSATION WITH YOU, even if they're stumbling.
Bang on. I had this situation where my sisters roommate was acting like this. I lived close by for about 6 months before noticing that she was mad about me. The guys in the house in hindsight said that they kinda noticed something slightly more strange about her when I was around, but she was a shy foreigner anyway, so it was impossible to tell. Then one night we all went to a concert and got wasted she lost her inhibitions and went for it - sure surprised me!

Moral? Give the shy ones a glass of wine or 3 :)

Second moral? Someone brought up an old post of Vassagos recently: if you're unsure, assume that she's into you. Good advice! Better to get a clear statement of rejection than wondering "what if I had tried ..."! :)

Osc.
 

MDgood

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We could start an entire discussion group on how shy women break the mold... they really can confuse even the most experienced of us.

For example, I know a girl who is extremely shy, and I've known her for 6 years. She was fine with talking with me when I had my LTR, but since my breakup she got quiet to the point where she totally stopped talking to me for over a month. Now when she calls me, she calls around 1 a.m., probably because she wants to talk to me but she's scared of me answering the phone.

UGH!!! She's a total, total, total hottie, so I put up with this ;)
 

Matt Rogers

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Fantastic thread, thanks a lot. I tend to prefer shyer women as dates, so this is very useful, and I now see I have missed many opportunities in the past.
 

Oscar Wilde

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By the way, on the subject of LTRs, I'm not sure that a shy woman is the way to go for myself, and for other strongly extroverted DJs. Here's why.

I am an extrovert (not by nature, but learned) and am very talkative to J. Random Stranger on the street, train, bus, parties, bars, etc. A shy girlfriend can (and did) find this difficult to handle, up to the point where she gets moody and complains "You never let me get a word in edgeways" -- my response? "You never tried" which was unfortunately true.

I always try and involve everyone around me in conversation, particularly if it's a shy girl, and especially if she happens to be my partner. But sometimes they're just too much hard work - blood from a stone, etc.

We broke up and now I try and stick to slightly more extroverted girls, although not sunshine girls or attention hoes (if I can tell).

She was a different person once that front door closed - crazy animal :)

Osc.
 

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MDgood

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Yeah, Oscar, I can imagine that for an extrovert a shy chick would be hard to handle and understand. A lot of extroverts can't understand why shy people are "shy"... I had one boss once for whom my shyness and introversion was just a real pain in her side.

Being that I'm more towards the shy side, I, on the other hand, prefer the shyer, more quiet girls. The really extraverted ones rub me the wrong way afetr a while, but thta's not to say I don't like the short term relationships with them ;)
 

violator

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I kind of disagree completely with your analysis. I have known shy women who have actively avoided guys that they like. When they see the object of their affection, they will sometimes walk the other way to avoid him. It is as if they don't like you, but there is no reason why because sometimes you never even have spoken to the girl or given a reason for them to dislike you.

This has happened to me several times with women who act normal with other people, but when I appear they become somewhat flustered, nervous and generally avoid being close to me. I guess these women are hyper shy or overly intimidated.

Different people act in different ways in the presence of people they like. You can't really generalize. Some will make it quite obvious that they like you while others will seem disinterested altogether and others will act somewhere in between.
 

syemour

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thats a big help. thanks
 

STR8UP

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My latest chick isn't "shy" but IS pretty reserved.

One thing I have noticed, and it could be because she's intimidated by me being quite a bit older, is that she avoids eye contact. I can look her straight in the face and even if she makes eye contact she will break it quickly.

Another thing shy girls WON'T usually do even if they want you is initiate physical contact. It's up to YOU to get the ball rolling and keep it rolling.

I agree, it can be tough to tell how much she's into you if she isn't as outgoing. Like you said, her wanting to spend extended periods of time with you is a good indicator.

Another sure fire way to tell is if she makes herself VERY available. I asked her "how late can I call you" She answered "it doesn't matter". Gotta love it.
 

becker

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I know a shy girl who seemed interested in me, but she has these moments where she is especially outgoing. I have made it more and more comfortable for her to talk to me, so she has opened up considerably despite being deathly shy. Our eye contact is very good when it's there, but it isn't a constant eye contact thing everytime, probably because she still has that slight shyness.

Anyways, I agree and disagree with some of the posts here only because I have had alternate experiences as well (obviously all this stuff is pretty subjective, except for a few general things that tend to be true).

First of all, as for shy girls choosing to stay in your presence while you're around, I don't particularly think that all shy girls will do this. I think that she will certainly choose to be around you, but it won't be like she will need to be around you all the time. I've had shy girls just totally go from being all excited to talk to you to sort of just picking up and leaving without a word. Then, after this, they'll do a complete 180 the next day.

Second, I wanted to get in the exception with a shy girl who has a BF. One of these obviously won't make themselves that available to you even if the evidence shows that she's into you. Being that a large majority of girls are in a relationship in some way, shape, or form, you'll need to sort of watch for this one. After all, just because she's involved doesn't mean that she wouldn't drop a chump for you, and if you're interested, you may be the guy she does that for.

Violator, I agree with your comments in that a shy girl in general tends to walk away, rather than try to be closer to a guy they like. That's certainly the general rule. A shy girl can always become less inhibited the better they know you, so be careful, and read how she is with other guys as well. If she's more outgoing with them, but tends to be more reserved with you, it's probably a better sign that she's interested in you somehow.

Shy girls also have a lot of trouble initiating physical contact, I agree, so if they do, it's probably a good sign they're interested more than they're not.
 

matius

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Different strokes for different folks...

It's just not that cut and dry, you never know what someone is thinking unless it's made to be obvious. And where does shy/extroverted begin and end?
 

MDgood

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Originally posted by violator
I kind of disagree completely with your analysis. I have known shy women who have actively avoided guys that they like. When they see the object of their affection, they will sometimes walk the other way to avoid him. It is as if they don't like you, but there is no reason why because sometimes you never even have spoken to the girl or given a reason for them to dislike you.

This has happened to me several times with women who act normal with other people, but when I appear they become somewhat flustered, nervous and generally avoid being close to me. I guess these women are hyper shy or overly intimidated.

Different people act in different ways in the presence of people they like. You can't really generalize. Some will make it quite obvious that they like you while others will seem disinterested altogether and others will act somewhere in between.
You're absolutely right about that one, violator. Refer to what I said at the bottom of my post:

NOTE: When a shy woman is prone to playing "hard to get", they begin to appear as if they're totally disinterested, so it can be challenging to discern the two apart.
I've noticed the very same thing about exceptionally shy, traditional (e.g. paternal family, strong religious background) women. They go through periods of acting somewhat normal, and then they'll go through periods of acting nuts, like the girl I know who for the past month just totally avoided me, but yet calls me at goddamned 1 a.m.. I admit, even I can't gauge what she's thinking... "does she hate me... wait, no, she seems like she likes me..."

Of course, I am assuming here that this is a case of playing "hard to get" on the part of the shy woman. I state this because in my own personal observations, this behavior of "totally avoiding the guy" begins to occur later on during the relationship, versus at the immediate beginning. My extrapolation is that as the extremely shy woman's feelings for the guy begin to develop more fully as the relationship progresses, she begins to become more self conscious about her feelings, and once she begins to assume that the guy is becoming aware of her feelings, she starts playing the game of "I don't want to appear too interested in him".

On the other hand, I've sort of noticed that very shy women who did not grow up in a traditional family (e.g. more modern, little religious background) don't panic and "run off". I should add that the empirical data to back up this particular observation of mine is minimal, so it's more theoretical... take it with a grain of salt.
 

MDgood

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Originally posted by matius
Different strokes for different folks...

It's just not that cut and dry, you never know what someone is thinking unless it's made to be obvious. And where does shy/extroverted begin and end?
Matius, women are psychological animals...

Think about it: if certain women did not act a certain way under certain circumstances, we wouldn't be able to use things like kino, eye contact, ****y/funny, etc etc etc to our advantage! This board wouldn't even exist!

The trick is to approach the girl, figure the girl out, find her strengths and weaknesses, and use her own strengths and weaknesses to get her!
 

MDgood

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Originally posted by STR8UP

Another sure fire way to tell is if she makes herself VERY available. I asked her "how late can I call you" She answered "it doesn't matter". Gotta love it.
Another very good point. Last New Years I called the girl I've been talkgin about and asked her, look, I know it's very late to ask, but do you have any plans for tonight? She responded with three things she was doing with friends that evening, booked solid, from 7 p.m. to 2 a.m., but then she said, "Well, how about I drop by at about 9 p.m.?"

However, then she didn't show up, and didn't bother to call to say she couldn't make it. Since I had a girlfriend at the time (LTR that was falling apart, which this girl knew), and things between this girl and I had been "friends" for more than five years, I reasonably expected a call from her to cancel, because the two of us were "safe". Later she said she got stuck at her sister's house (another friend of mine) and couldn't get out, but that's when I started heavily suspecting she was beginning to play games.
 

Oscar Wilde

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Originally posted by MDgood
Yeah, Oscar, I can imagine that for an extrovert a shy chick would be hard to handle and understand. A lot of extroverts can't understand why shy people are "shy"... I had one boss once for whom my shyness and introversion was just a real pain in her side.
Well, that's not quite the problem I had!

I can handle and understand a shy girl 100% fine! Reason being, when I was a teen I was a completely nerdy anti-social introvert (I'm a 5 on the enneagram). Now I'm the complete opposite, but I still enjoy my own space and quiet time to read or whatever.

The problem I had with the shy girl was that she couldn't put up with me! :)

Actually, she did say (after we split: we're becoming friends) that she learned a lot and had become more social since then. She was a shy, reserved British girl to start with, and that's *very* shy by Irish standards :)

Hmm, thinking about it, my current English chick did say to me "I know that you're a very flirty guy". Hehe, there ya go :)

Osc.
 
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becker

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Originally posted by MDgood
You're absolutely right about that one, violator. Refer to what I said at the bottom of my post:



I've noticed the very same thing about exceptionally shy, traditional (e.g. paternal family, strong religious background) women. They go through periods of acting somewhat normal, and then they'll go through periods of acting nuts, like the girl I know who for the past month just totally avoided me, but yet calls me at goddamned 1 a.m.. I admit, even I can't gauge what she's thinking... "does she hate me... wait, no, she seems like she likes me..."

Of course, I am assuming here that this is a case of playing "hard to get" on the part of the shy woman. I state this because in my own personal observations, this behavior of "totally avoiding the guy" begins to occur later on during the relationship, versus at the immediate beginning. My extrapolation is that as the extremely shy woman's feelings for the guy begin to develop more fully as the relationship progresses, she begins to become more self conscious about her feelings, and once she begins to assume that the guy is becoming aware of her feelings, she starts playing the game of "I don't want to appear too interested in him".

On the other hand, I've sort of noticed that very shy women who did not grow up in a traditional family (e.g. more modern, little religious background) don't panic and "run off". I should add that the empirical data to back up this particular observation of mine is minimal, so it's more theoretical... take it with a grain of salt.
MDGood, you raise an interesting point that should be discussed further. It's the whole "I don't want to appear too interested" issue. What has been your experience with shy girls and this? It seems like to me that sometimes the shy girl literally seems like she's totally disinterested and as though she doesn't know you.
 

DastardlyDan

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That's very true. I'm interested in a shy girl people say she acts different around me. She acts more spontaneous around her friends, but when I walk into the group she focusses her eyes and conversation on me. At the same time she keeps her distance and looks a little tense and unsure. I'm fortunate that the shyness doesn't come off as lack of interest, cause I can tell she's interested.
 

MDgood

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Originally posted by becker
MDGood, you raise an interesting point that should be discussed further. It's the whole "I don't want to appear too interested" issue. What has been your experience with shy girls and this? It seems like to me that sometimes the shy girl literally seems like she's totally disinterested and as though she doesn't know you.
Basically my experience is that GENERALLY most women who are interested in you do not want you to know they're interested. Among other reasons, this is because:

1. They don't want to make it seem as if they're too aggressive to the guy... they think guys don't like aggressive women
2. They're more traditional and can't imagine taking the first step
3. They're terrified of rejection, just like everybody else.
4. A minor thing, but many of them like to be pursued... it makes them feel womanly.

When I look back on the girls who have been interested in me, the only ones I noticed were interested in me were the ones for whom being aggressive wasn't an issue. They didn't mind chasing guys. Even then they waited a while to come forward to me. Otherwise, I almost never noticed when girls were interested in me. As I've gotten older it's become more and more obvious to me: there's more smiling, eye contact, the occassional "deer in the headlights" look.

There's only been a few really shy women I've noticed were interested in me, and of those few, only one did the "run away to appear not interested" thing. The others generally gave generous amounts of the "deer in the headlights" look to me, but they would stay around in my presence and attempt to initiate conversation. I noticed that these girls would never talk about other guys in my presence, and if they did then it was always negative: e.g. how the guy was such a jerk to them, or how they can never seem to meet nice guys. There is eye contact, but it is intermittent, and most of the time these girls are looking down, or away from you. They stutter a bit and hesitate when they speak to you, but around their own friends they can ramble off to no end. I also noticed NEXT TO NO KINO FROM ANY OF THEM. Many times you'll notice that they call you to talk to you about the dumbest things, things that really shouldn't matter, or that they could find out themselves: how do I get to this place, do you know anything about that, etc. You may also notice that they look "sick" in your presence, like they just ate something that didn't agree with them... they don't look "happy"... this is because they're nervous.

The other girl is the one I'm trying to go after right now. She does all the things above that all the other shy girls who liked me have ever done. But she is so shy she'll come up to me and talk for like 30 minutes one week, and then the next two weeks she'll run out the front door without ever making eye contact to me. In fact, most of the time I can walk right by her and she won't even look at me... I can stand next to her and she won't turn her head towards me to acknowledge my existence. But once I talk to her, I can ask her to lunch and always get a "yes" from her. Strange behavior for a girl I've known half a decade.

Hope this helps... I'm always open to other guys' input on this.
 

matius

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I'm not trying to start an argument with you, I'm just giving a counter point because I've experienced the opposite.

You might need to explain the extroverted woman to me again though, I don't quite get that. You mean, if she likes you- she will treat you the same as every other tom, dyke and harry...

But if she doesn't like you, then she just ignores you and makes you feel small. How do you know if she likes you?

Shy women who are interested in you become even more shy and introverted when they are around you. Their body movements become abbreviated and less flowing. Their words are more carefully chosen when talking, so they'll slow a lot of their speech down. Their look towards you is more of a wide-eyed, blank stare. They look down a lot when they talk to you. There's close to no physical contact from them, if any at all. The important thing to notice here is that they will choose to stay in your presence while you're around, AND THEY WILL TRY TO CARRY ON THE CONVERSATION WITH YOU, even if they're stumbling.

Compare their actions when they are around you with when they are around their own very close friends. You'll notice that they talk, laugh, smile, and act pretty normal when they're with their friends. Their speech is at a normal rate, body movements are flowing, etc. If you step into her group and she likes you, this normalcy all disappears.

Shy, introverted women who actively do not want you around will show a lot of the same signs as above. Limited body motion, lack of talking. The BIG difference is: SHE LIMITS THE TIME SHE'S AROUND YOU, AND SHE DOES NOT CHOOSE TO ENGAGE IN CONVERSATIONS WITH YOU. If you try to talk with her and she doesn't want you around, it's going to be a lot of responses with close-ended answers, and a lot of looking around on her part.
I just went through this scenario, and I'd have to say that the complete opposite was true in this one instance.

Maybe my point of view is biased. I'm sure that some people and situations occur as you say, but I just think it's too wide of an array of dispositions is all.
 

MDgood

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Originally posted by matius
I'm not trying to start an argument with you, I'm just giving a counter point because I've experienced the opposite.
Hey, it's cool... I'm not trying to start one here, either. I was just trying to explain where I am coming from about why a guy can expect to use certain strategies with certain women. I'm always in the office here and sometimes it's hard for me to fully complete a thought.

I gotta run, but I'll try to look at the rest of your post later. I know you probably have a good point that should be consdiered.
 
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