How to stay grounded and not loose one self?

[frencha]

Guys,

I'm dating/seeing this girl fo about 2 months and I'm starting to get "feelings" for her.

I know that I need to stay grounded and focused with my life's goals is the only way to be "in control".
I'll admit it's getting harder to contain my emotions with each day that I spend with her.


Any suggestions on how to remain grounded and to control this "attraction/ attachement" feeling is welcomed, thank you.

 

[frencha]

I am talking to other girls, have career goals and such. The controling of my emotions is the hard part.

 

[squirrels]

The things you try to control end up controlling you.

Don't try to "control" your emotions...instead, be glad you can still FEEL such strong feelings toward another person and savor those feelings fully.

Usually when I hear someone say that they "can't control their emotions" with regard to being in love with a woman...it's not the emotion itself that they cannot control, it's the fear of losing those good feelings that they "can't control".

That's part of the duality of nature. When a woman makes us feel this way, in addition to that rush of enjoyment we get in her presence, we also get an intense fear of losing that "high", a fear of the inevitable "crash" that occurs when either we adjust to the emotion or we remove the source of that emotion for any period of time.

Like drug-addicts, most people will do ANYTHING to avoid losing that feeling, including obsequious or submissive behavior to the source of it or extreme defensiveness/anger toward anything that apparently threatens it.

Here's the thing you have to ACCEPT...if your girl decides one day that she's going to leave you, she will. If you get pulled in different directions, there's nothing you can do to "save" or "salvage" things except to be the best person you can be to her (and to yourself, and to everyone else). If that is not enough for her, then it was NOT meant to be.

You've heard the old saying, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours. If not, it was never meant to be." Wiser words have never been spoken.

You can't control your emotions. But you can control how YOU, the one feeling those emotions, responds to them. Enjoy them for what they are and, when you can, give freely of those emotions to others. If they are meant to be in your life, you'll never have to do anything more for them.

 

[Radharc]

Well, I don´t see getting feelings after being with someone for a while as a bad thing. When you are looking for a LTR I don´t see it working out without the "feelings" bit being part of it.

The tricky part is not to get addicted to them, still being be able to leave on a moments notice. If you let your frame dissolve so much that you don´t know when (if needed) is time to leave, where your boundaries lay, if you start to loose yourself in the relationship, then you are in trouble.

I´m guilty of allowing this to happen to me in the past.

 

[frencha]

Here's the thing you have to ACCEPT...if your girl decides one day that she's going to leave you, she will. If you get pulled in different directions, there's nothing you can do to "save" or "salvage" things except to be the best person you can be to her (and to yourself, and to everyone else). If that is not enough for her, then it was NOT meant to be.

I really like this part Squirrels, wise words my friend.

My concern is, if it's ok to feel the emotions, then I don't want to act AFC because of them.

That is the goal here, how do I do that?

 

[frencha]

Well, I don´t see getting feelings after being with someone for a while as a bad thing. When you are looking for a LTR I don´t see it working out without the "feelings" bit being part of it.

The tricky part is not to get addicted to them, still being be able to leave on a moments notice. If you let your frame dissolve so much that you don´t know when (if needed) is time to leave, where your boundaries lay, if you start to loose yourself in the relationship, then you are in trouble.

I´m guilty of allowing this to happen to me in the past.

It's hard because she is also holding back and at times says things that makes me wonder.

In other words, we are both in our trenches not having a clear understanding of "what we are" or what stage we should be at.

 

[jophil28]

It's hard because she is also holding back and at times says things that makes me wonder.

In other words, we are both in our trenches not having a clear understanding of "what we are" or what stage we should be at.

At 2 months, you are just getting started. Calm down.

I think that what you are really saying, without saying it, is that you fear that perhaps your "feelings" towards her are stronger than her's toward you.
Consequently, you also fear that you may start acting like a chump around her in a clumsy attempt to entice her into a closer connection.

A couple questions about her interest level - are you sleeping with her regularly, and does she make herself available to go out with you when you want to see her ?

 

[MikeEdward1973]

That's part of the duality of nature. When a woman makes us feel this way, in addition to that rush of enjoyment we get in her presence, we also get an intense fear of losing that "high", a fear of the inevitable "crash" that occurs when either we adjust to the emotion or we remove the source of that emotion for any period of time.

Like drug-addicts, most people will do ANYTHING to avoid losing that feeling, including obsequious or submissive behavior to the source of it or extreme defensiveness/anger toward anything that apparently threatens it.

Here's the thing you have to ACCEPT...if your girl decides one day that she's going to leave you, she will. If you get pulled in different directions, there's nothing you can do to "save" or "salvage" things except to be the best person you can be to her (and to yourself, and to everyone else). If that is not enough for her, then it was NOT meant to be.

Great words.

 

[frencha]

At 2 months, you are just getting started. Calm down.

I think that what you are really saying, without saying it, is that you fear that perhaps your "feelings" towards her are stronger than her's toward you.
Consequently, you also fear that you may start acting like a chump around her in a clumsy attempt to entice her into a closer connection.

A couple questions about her interest level - are you sleeping with her regularly, and does she make herself available to go out with you when you want to see her ?

Yes we both have the same level of interest. The thing is she tells me about guys that "contact" her who are interested in her. Since that we're dating, we have no "commitment" to each other. We did agreed that if we were to date other people we would disclose this.

 

[Zunder]

Yes we both have the same level of interest. The thing is she tells me about guys that "contact" her who are interested in her. Since that we're dating, we have no "commitment" to each other. We did agreed that if we were to date other people we would disclose this.

I don't like the sound of that. Why the fvck is she talking about "other guys". Is she really into you? If you agree that you could/will date other people then you have no relationship. I tried this sh!t not long ago and ended up with ridiculous 'oneitis'....you are either going together or you are not going together.

 

[Radharc]

Yes we both have the same level of interest. The thing is she tells me about guys that "contact" her who are interested in her. Since that we're dating, we have no "commitment" to each other. We did agreed that if we were to date other people we would disclose this.

Sounds like you are reaching a point where you have to decide what the hell you want regarding being with her. If you want exclusivity you should probably tell her that, if you don´t then just deal with her going out with other dudes.

You can´t have it both ways... the "grey area" is ok for a while, but its not sustainable on the long term.

If you go to her about exclusivity and she shots you down then next, you know what you want and what you dont want. Never settle for less.

That talk about other guys contacting her, if you were exclusive would be a major red flag no doubt, in your situation though I suppose there´s a chance it might just be a move on her part for you to step up.

 

[jophil28]

Yes we both have the same level of interest. The thing is she tells me about guys that "contact" her who are interested in her. Since that we're dating, we have no "commitment" to each other. We did agreed that if we were to date other people we would disclose this.

Hmmm, that's nice, but you did not answer my questions.
The central issue here is her interest level which can only be reliably measured by observing her behavior..

IS she an enthusiastic sex partner?
Does she make spending time with you her priority?

A resounding YES to both indicates obvious HIGH interest level.
Any lesser replies are also self explanatory.

 

[frencha]

Hmmm, that's nice, but you did not answer my questions.
The central issue here is her interest level which can only be reliably measured by observing her behavior..

IS she an enthusiastic sex partner?
Does she make spending time with you her priority?

A resounding YES to both indicates obvious HIGH interest level.
Any lesser replies are also self explanatory.

I can honestly say "YES".

 

[frencha]

Sounds like you are reaching a point where you have to decide what the hell you want regarding being with her. If you want exclusivity you should probably tell her that, if you don´t then just deal with her going out with other dudes.

You can´t have it both ways... the "grey area" is ok for a while, but its not sustainable on the long term.

If you go to her about exclusivity and she shots you down then next, you know what you want and what you dont want. Never settle for less.

That talk about other guys contacting her, if you were exclusive would be a major red flag no doubt, in your situation though I suppose there´s a chance it might just be a move on her part for you to step up.

It's been two month, is it too early? Why I am so lost here..

-edit- I should stop being a p**y and let her know what I want. She's sending me mixed signals and I'm tired of trying to figure her out.

 

[frencha]

Hey frencha,

In my experience, whenever I've pushed the envelope with a girl, it's pushed her away. (Not the physical/sexual envelope - the "relationship stage" one.)

Two months is a particularly tricky time, so you have to remain calm and really ride the wave. There will be a fulcrum soon, and either she will think of you as a fling, or a possible LTR. Your actions will influence her decision.

Here is my advice to you. First, don't bring up "us," or anything like that. Let her do it. That also means you have to keep yourself from going overboard (flowers, gushing letters, too much communication of any kind). Remember to return 2/3 of what your girl gives you - no more.

Now, if she does bring up "us," or ask you "where is this going?" here is a response that's worked for me:

"I really enjoy spending time with you, and I want to keep going forward. I feel like we're building a connection, and it's great. I just want to take things slow and keep having fun with you, and see where it takes us."

Sounds vague, right? It is, kind of. The message you are really conveying is that you are patient and not in the least bit desperate, but that you do like her and aren't about to ditch her.

The response works well because it keeps her wondering about you, uses words that chicks love but aren't smothering, hints at a potential future, but never really gives away your plan one way or the other. And in fact, you should have no plan - this is still an exploratory time for you.

Your aim is to keep her mind buzzing about you. If you lay your cards, she'll have you figured out, and the mystery will be over. The mystery should NEVER be over my friend.

Awesome advice, thanks. The part that bother's me the most is that we are not clear on being exclusive. We did agree to disclose if we are to "meet" other people.

She did bring up "what are we?" Then she showed lots of frustration, basically saying that because we're "just dating" then she has the right to "talk" to other guys.

Not sure if this is a trick to get me jealous or to make me bring up the "us" talk.

So it's driving me nuts not knowing if it's "ok" to talk to other people or not. If that's the case then this isn't for me at all.

 

[frencha]

Ok in other words, go with the flow and let her bring it up.
What if she's waiting for me to bring this up?


I admit this is going to be a challenge for me, her tactics are working and she's growing on me plus I don't want to get played...

 

[jophil28]

She did bring up "what are we?" Then she showed lots of frustration, basically saying that because we're "just dating" then she has the right to "talk" to other guys.

Not sure if this is a trick to get me jealous or to make me bring up the "us" talk.

So it's driving me nuts not knowing if it's "ok" to talk to other people or not. If that's the case then this isn't for me at all.

If I were you I would learn to tolerate this situation because all of her actions and statements indicate HIGH interest, and that is all that really matters..
You are looking for a 'solution' to a problem which is not really a problem.
At 2 months, you and she are at a point of balance (or imbalance ). It does not need to be "fixed" just because either or both of you are feeling anxiety.
That same anxiety may feel unsettling at times BUT in fact it is amplifying your attraction to each other.
Having "the talk" and gushing your feelings across a table at Starbucks may feel like a sensible solution to you but it will pop the balloon and ultimately diminish her attraction towards you.

Believe me, this is a mistake that even experienced men make occasionally.
I have made it TWICE and both times the consequences were the opposite of my expectations.
One woman FZ'ed me after chasing me for many years, and the second started acting as if I were her pet male.

 

[frencha]

Ok I'll stay cool, thanks guys.

 

[jophil28]

The problem is that she keeps bringing up this guy and even told me "if things didn't work out between us, I would be interested in getting to know him".

WTF? Then she introduces me to her parents last night

Her behavior is consistent with sky high interest..

Her comment about the other guy comes from her anxiety about wanting MORE of you but not quite getting it to her satisfaction. She is trying to maneuver you into a tighter connection by playing the "I have another option" card.
This is a priceless example of why we should believe what women do, not what they say. IF she was not serious about you she would not have introduced you to her folks. That was the give away sign.
BY doing so she is telling you that YOU are her first choice, her preference, but she is also alerting you that should a relationship with you not eventuate to her liking, she has an option. She wants you to scoop her up and commit to her exclusively .
Just ignore this "test" or better yet agree and amplify and appear to push her towards him .

She says, " IF it does not work between us I would get with Bradley."

You," He sounds like a great backstop. IF I were a chick I would date him. Keep his number just in case."

You need to maintain and feed her anxiety, not diffuse it.

 

[The Duke]

The advice that has been posted is right on the money......been there done that......had to learn it the hard way both times. Never Again.

Thanks for a solid reminder for when I find myself in this situation down the road.