How to forgive yourself?

[grezze]

Hey folks,

I'm reaching out to you because I need adivce on this one.

Short heads-up:
A few weeks ago, I met a girl i was really interested in, and so she was in me. I've noticed here interest was genuine by the way she responded to me.
At that time sadly I was not someone with huge self-confidence, but it was enough to attract her and because of that high IL, it boosted my self-confidence.
Additionally, I'm into a certain type of woman and she kinda met pretty much all my criteria (not just looks btw).
I felt so happy with myself I haven't felt for a long time. So i caught a Oneitis. Not the first one ever, but this one was really heavy. It had such an impact on me that I decided to change something in my life; since then I read "the rational male", discovered this forum and read books on self-love, self-confidence and actually anything that makes me being happy just with myself.
But this oneitis showed me how emotional dependant I was. I now know all the mistakes I've done and I'm working on them to not let that happen again.
For instance I'm seeking professional help on emotional dependancy to work on things from my childhood/youth.



I'm happy to be almost over this girl now and having realized, she's not so unique as I thought she was. I idealized her and put her on a pedestal.
And all the feelings I had we're not on her, but on that genuine interest from her since I did not have his for quite a time (kinda isolated myself over corona) and what a great and overwhelming feeling it gave me. So i blew it of course.

But here's the thing; although I kinda moved on and work on myself since then, I am struggling to get over the fact that I made these mistakes. It still comes to my mind literally everyday, that if I just was myself and let things happen at her pace, I could have a really nice girl being head over heels for me. And it makes me angry about myself.
So I still haven't forgiven myself and I have a hard time doing so. Is there anyone who experienced the same and has good advice on how to process this?
I really feel how these thoughts are blocking myself from actually enyoing any other girl's company.
I know I should change the perspective from "what if" to "learn from that", but to me it's easier said than done.

Thank you for any advice, have a good one

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

Hey folks,

I'm reaching out to you because I need adivce on this one.

Short heads-up:
A few weeks ago, I met a girl i was really interested in, and so she was in me. I've noticed here interest was genuine by the way she responded to me.
At that time sadly I was not someone with huge self-confidence, but it was enough to attract her and because of that high IL, it boosted my self-confidence.
Additionally, I'm into a certain type of woman and she kinda met pretty much all my criteria (not just looks btw).
I felt so happy with myself I haven't felt for a long time. So i caught a Oneitis. Not the first one ever, but this one was really heavy. It had such an impact on me that I decided to change something in my life; since then I read "the rational male", discovered this forum and read books on self-love, self-confidence and actually anything that makes me being happy just with myself.
But this oneitis showed me how emotional dependant I was. I now know all the mistakes I've done and I'm working on them to not let that happen again.
For instance I'm seeking professional help on emotional dependancy to work on things from my childhood/youth.



I'm happy to be almost over this girl now and having realized, she's not so unique as I thought she was. I idealized her and put her on a pedestal.
And all the feelings I had we're not on her, but on that genuine interest from her since I did not have his for quite a time (kinda isolated myself over corona) and what a great and overwhelming feeling it gave me. So i blew it of course.

But here's the thing; although I kinda moved on and work on myself since then, I am struggling to get over the fact that I made these mistakes. It still comes to my mind literally everyday, that if I just was myself and let things happen at her pace, I could have a really nice girl being head over heels for me. And it makes me angry about myself.
So I still haven't forgiven myself and I have a hard time doing so. Is there anyone who experienced the same and has good advice on how to process this?
I really feel how these thoughts are blocking myself from actually enyoing any other girl's company.
I know I should change the perspective from "what if" to "learn from that", but to me it's easier said than done.

Thank you for any advice, have a good one

You can't control or expect to manipulate her into liking you. Accepting things that are out of your control is a sign of emotional maturity and emotional accountability. 'i took the risks and am prepared for the consequences of failure.'

You can keep improving yourself but neither you or I or anyone will ever be perfect. It's our relationship to mistakes and change that define how we go through life. The more flexible and smart you can be with those two things, the happier your life will be on average.

There are four billion women on this planet and there are less than two billion seconds in 60 years. If you met a new woman every second for 60 years, there would still be over two billion women waiting to meet you. Don't forget that abundance is right around the corner.

Accept your current emotional situation and incrementally work to improve it every day.

You handle the situations presented to you the best way you feel they should be handled. Stand behind this effort, mistakes and all, because it's your manifestation, your creation. Believe in your ability to improve.

The mind is sneaky, sometimes it can create drama out of nothing to avoid doing the hard work of changing and improving itself. It's great that you're mindful of this drama, now continually remind yourself that even the drama is feedback that you need to study and interpret, it's not something that is meant to control your life.

Ideas pass in the mind like clouds in the sky, they come and go effortlessly; learn to observe these passing thoughts with mindfulness and grace.

 

[Mike32ct]

Honestly, just give it time. The “regret” will weaken over time.

I was kicking myself for about three months because of a chick I didn’t actually make a move on. I (understandably) got friendzoned, and she got a new bf.

I’m totally fine now and have zero interest in her anymore.

 

[grezze]

Thank you for your responses.

You can't control or expect to manipulate her into liking you. Accepting things that are out of your control is a sign of emotional maturity and emotional accountability. 'i took the risks and am prepared for the consequences of failure.'

I know that I couldn't control how she feels towards me. What I could have controlled was my needy behavior which drove her away. That's also what I'm currently struggling with. That I couldn't be myself at that time and was emotionally so invested already. It's a tough pill to swallow.

The mind is sneaky, sometimes it can create drama out of nothing to avoid doing the hard work of changing and improving itself. It's great that you're mindful of this drama, now continually remind yourself that even the drama is feedback that you need to study and interpret, it's not something that is meant to control your life.

That actually is really helpful, thanks!

 

[tkazansky]

Hey folks,

I'm reaching out to you because I need adivce on this one.

Short heads-up:
A few weeks ago, I met a girl i was really interested in, and so she was in me. I've noticed here interest was genuine by the way she responded to me.
At that time sadly I was not someone with huge self-confidence, but it was enough to attract her and because of that high IL, it boosted my self-confidence.
Additionally, I'm into a certain type of woman and she kinda met pretty much all my criteria (not just looks btw).
I felt so happy with myself I haven't felt for a long time. So i caught a Oneitis. Not the first one ever, but this one was really heavy. It had such an impact on me that I decided to change something in my life; since then I read "the rational male", discovered this forum and read books on self-love, self-confidence and actually anything that makes me being happy just with myself.
But this oneitis showed me how emotional dependant I was. I now know all the mistakes I've done and I'm working on them to not let that happen again.
For instance I'm seeking professional help on emotional dependancy to work on things from my childhood/youth.



I'm happy to be almost over this girl now and having realized, she's not so unique as I thought she was. I idealized her and put her on a pedestal.
And all the feelings I had we're not on her, but on that genuine interest from her since I did not have his for quite a time (kinda isolated myself over corona) and what a great and overwhelming feeling it gave me. So i blew it of course.

But here's the thing; although I kinda moved on and work on myself since then, I am struggling to get over the fact that I made these mistakes. It still comes to my mind literally everyday, that if I just was myself and let things happen at her pace, I could have a really nice girl being head over heels for me. And it makes me angry about myself.
So I still haven't forgiven myself and I have a hard time doing so. Is there anyone who experienced the same and has good advice on how to process this?
I really feel how these thoughts are blocking myself from actually enyoing any other girl's company.
I know I should change the perspective from "what if" to "learn from that", but to me it's easier said than done.

Thank you for any advice, have a good one

When I was in college (a long time ago--I am 42 now) before there was a Rational Male to read, a dancer with big t_ts was into me. You could tell her chest was super big even though she tried to hid them in baggy clothes, but the clothes kind of hid her body as well. Despite my cluelessness with women at the time, I managed to hook up with her the night before I left for a year to study abroad. As I was hooking up with her and the baggy clothes came off, I thought she is probably going to be the most beautiful woman I will ever be with. Her body was a work of art. Bonus points, she liked it rough. Young T caught feelings bad.

While I was in England, all I could think about was her, and she lost interest as I was so invested when I had no chance of being with her since I was in England and she was in the States.

That summer, after my year abroad, an older male friend of mine noticed I was kind of down. I told him my sob story. He gave me good advice, he said, "There will ALWAYS be another one." That has proved somewhat true for me even though I had, basically no game at the time, and did not have the benefit of The Rational Male. This will be even more true for you since you are red--pill aware at a younger age.
Experience the world, make goals, develop expertise, keep working on game, and women will show up. I haven't been as successful with women as many of the guys here. However, I have been successful enough to know that it helps you understand what you want out of women if you experience a bit of variety.

Learn from this, keep working on yourself, spin plates, and please know, there will always be another one.

T

 

[grezze]

Thank you for sharing this experience, T!

 

[Striker_93]

Who cares bruh, it's apart of life, you're not perfect and you have many more mistakes to make, stop taking yourself so serious.

 

[Grounded eagle]

Hey folks,

I'm reaching out to you because I need adivce on this one.

Short heads-up:
A few weeks ago, I met a girl i was really interested in, and so she was in me. I've noticed here interest was genuine by the way she responded to me.
At that time sadly I was not someone with huge self-confidence, but it was enough to attract her and because of that high IL, it boosted my self-confidence.
Additionally, I'm into a certain type of woman and she kinda met pretty much all my criteria (not just looks btw).
I felt so happy with myself I haven't felt for a long time. So i caught a Oneitis. Not the first one ever, but this one was really heavy. It had such an impact on me that I decided to change something in my life; since then I read "the rational male", discovered this forum and read books on self-love, self-confidence and actually anything that makes me being happy just with myself.
But this oneitis showed me how emotional dependant I was. I now know all the mistakes I've done and I'm working on them to not let that happen again.
For instance I'm seeking professional help on emotional dependancy to work on things from my childhood/youth.



I'm happy to be almost over this girl now and having realized, she's not so unique as I thought she was. I idealized her and put her on a pedestal.
And all the feelings I had we're not on her, but on that genuine interest from her since I did not have his for quite a time (kinda isolated myself over corona) and what a great and overwhelming feeling it gave me. So i blew it of course.

But here's the thing; although I kinda moved on and work on myself since then, I am struggling to get over the fact that I made these mistakes. It still comes to my mind literally everyday, that if I just was myself and let things happen at her pace, I could have a really nice girl being head over heels for me. And it makes me angry about myself.
So I still haven't forgiven myself and I have a hard time doing so. Is there anyone who experienced the same and has good advice on how to process this?
I really feel how these thoughts are blocking myself from actually enyoing any other girl's company.
I know I should change the perspective from "what if" to "learn from that", but to me it's easier said than done.

Thank you for any advice, have a good one

Just let it go man. You did what you did because you didn’t know any better,and if you did you wouldn’t have done it.Now you do.The passage of time helps too.

 

[Scars]

Honestly, just give it time. The “regret” will weaken over time.

I was kicking myself for about three months because of a chick I didn’t actually make a move on. I (understandably) got friendzoned, and she got a new bf.

I’m totally fine now and have zero interest in her anymore.

Agreed.

Just give it time.

Usually takes me 1-2 days to get over one of my stupid mistakes. If I wake up hungover after doing something stupid I usually feel miserable all day, then second day I think about it half as much, then next day half as much as that.. until I barely care of think about it.

Give it a week and you won't care, or you'll do another stupid thing that occupies your mind instead. LOL

 

[IKO69]

It will naturally come with time. It's important to understand why what happened ended up happening. It's easier if you screwed up and honestly didn't know - you can't really be blamed for doing something wrong if you didn't know how to do it right. In those situations you did the best you could. Now if you knew you probably shouldn't be doing "x", that it would have a bad outcome but you went and did it anyway, that's a different story. Either way the passage of time will take care it but as a smart person you want to learn your lesson so you don't repeat it again.

If it didn't work out to your liking with a certain girl just let her go and move on. You'll meet other girls that are probably better, there's tons of girls out there.