How to deal with the early stage of rejection?

[dannyegg4575]

One of the common mistake I noticed is in asking my friends for advice after a breakup. Those of us here who've been a DJ for awhile, knows the game. Yet, we would want to try it anyway because we get convinced in "following our hearts".

What you need to do now is to not follow your heart and follow your head. The first step in dealing with a breakup I think is not in going cold or disappearing. Whatever she puts on her msn or you hear about, means little. That's her problem now. Think of it as, when she leaves a great guy like yourself, she's having issues that she needs to deal with. It's not your problems, it's her problems.

Treat of it as her problems and just let her go. Whether she stays or leaves, is no longer your concern. Don't let it get to you and just move on. If you've been together for awhile, you'll know that you being over-accomodating turns her off. You have to be a prize that she needs to win over. If she can't win you over, she may threaten to leave but she won't. Show her what a great guy you are and have some backbone. It's ok for her to leave, but she can't come back to your life. Just stay cool.

It's like a game of chess. Your move is to simply stay out of the way. Just be yourself and go do things that you enjoy doing. Let her go...

Can someone else add anything else?

 

[dannyegg4575]

I made a crucial mistake of going to her house after our breakup to "talk" about our relationship after our breakup. I made another crucial mistake about pushing the issue the day after when she promised she called me the day before.
Truth of the matter is, you've given up all your power from the moment that you wanted to "talk" about the problems. It shows that you care about the relationship and you are giving her the power.

The best way to save it is to simply let her go and make her own stupid choice. Right after our breakup, she was still missing me. I felt bad and wanted to go talk to her. She actually took it as a sign of weakness that i want to save our relationship. I shouldn't have gone see her. I knew the game and i played it like a fool.

So, should I delete and block her from msn altogether? Or just delete her. Or, to show backbone and just leave her there until she initiates contact? What do you guys think?

 

[WC2]

Are you dealing with rejection from an ex? I don't really understand if you're giving advice or asking us if what you're doing is the right thing.

I've been in and out of numerous relationships and I can tell you that there is no easy way out. Especially when it's her who is doing the dumping and she has all the power. The best way to get through this type of breakup is to take things in stages.

Hurt, Heal, Then Improve

Hurt. When you first get rejected from someone who means a lot to you, it's natural to hurt. Blocking any of this out is just going to prolong your feelings about this girl. Get your feelings out. Hell, write down on paper how much you hate this woman for what she did to you. Trust me, it helps to get these feelings out.

Heal. Maybe it may be a few days, maybe a week, maybe a month. But at some point you're going to see the brighter side of things. While you may still be hurting, every now and then you don't feel so bad. Take this time to heal. TALK to your friends and seek advice. If you have good friends, they will lead you in the right direction. Stay away from your normal surroundings. Go out and do things you usually wouldn't do. Now that you're single, you can do these things and focus all your energy on them. Something you could never do before.

Finally - Improve. It takes awhile to heal. Sometimes months, sometime years (in very long relationships). But there is going to be a time when your feelings for your ex totally slip away. You're going to feel very empowered and almost back to normal. Hopefully by this time you've been laying other women, or at least made the attempt to. This is the time to look back on your relationship (now that you're over it) and think of things you can improve on. How can I do it better next time? How can I choose a better woman? How can I be a better man. This is the most important part of the rejection process. Learn from your mistakes and move on.

Most of all, remember that a woman does not control your life! You may feel like a waste of life without your partner right now, but you know deep down that you don't need a woman (especially this one) to make you more of a man. Take my advice; I've been in plenty of relationships and I don't regret leaving/being rejected from any of them! And I can tell you that I thought I loved ALL these women.

Best of luck, hope this small bit helps

 

[Interceptor]

Rejection is ultimately only as BAD as YOU MAKE IT in your own MIND.


If you think that REJECTION is the absolute WORST thing possible EVER...
..then when you 'experience' this 'Rejection' you will SUFFER horribly.
But it is a self created dungeon.
It's not really real.

It is all about YOU.

You know what?

Rejection is all about YOUR EGO.

It is
Always has been

When you 'feel' rejection, what is happening is that the particular woman is not advancing forward with you in that particular moment in time.
Since you placed SO MUCH IMPORTANCE on her ACCEPTING you, of course you are CRUSHED if she doesnt VALIDATE you the way YOU WANT to be validated.

This is all about your connection to your own NARCISSM.

You want to be reflected back at you some image that will make you 'happy'

But you GIVE HER ALL The POWER to do so!!!

So of course, when you get something other than her VALIDATING your NARCISSISTIC self image, you get angry and hurt.

Since you operate from EGO, and INSTANT GRATIFICATION, and lack genuine Self Esteem, you are in a very precarious situation, my friend.

You are NOT in a place of power.

You shoudlnt give other people the power over you like that.

But because people can be addicted to ego gratification and validation , like a drug, it becomes a hard haibit to break....

 

[ready123]

was wondering where the 26 and under stuff was coming from

if you guys broke up, bottom line is it wasn't meant to be. that's all you need to know and that fact should guide you from that point forward. sometimes you can remain friends but that's the exception, not the rule, and it's definately not the case if you find yourself coming from a place of scarcity - fighting with yourself to not fill that void back up with her.

that you're still thinking about your ex in terms of game shows you're not over her. it's an emotional maturity issue that's keeping you from putting the past relationship in perspective. is this the first girl who's burned you?

an ideal breakup is you understanding why she didn't meet your standards. you acknowledge the good times you both had, acknowledge why it didn't work, then you move on

 

[dannyegg4575]

I was upset with this girl, but I'm not going to do anything about it... I became an AFC despite the lessons I learned here a few years back.
This chick played me good. 6 months ago, when I wanted to let her go, she begged me back. For almost two months I thought she was for real and I caved. Her best friend called me and told me she was in the hospital and I was like, what the ****? And so i caved... I gave her another chance.
Well, the two months afterwards, we were together she did so much for me I was like wtf... maybe i'm set... she's for real.

So, i started investing in the relationship as well as do my own things. Anyway, things started to change at the beginning of this year where she started hanging out with her friends until 5 in the morning. I was not impress... Well, two weeks ago, I found out she was with another guy. And so, I broke up with her again. Within two days, she was putting up msn messages of how much she missed the other guy already. But at the same time, she was putting up messages about how she was crying for three days. I thought, maybe she was crying over me and that we can fix this... My friends convinced me that I should try to fix it if I like the girl.

And so, I drove to her house one night to talk things out with her. her best friend, the one who convinced her to go for another guy, was there. (btw, the guy is still living with his gf)... i'm like wtf... so frustrated... So, i talked to her and thought I could try and stop us from making a mistake.
I let one of my friends convinced me to go and patch things up like that movie, Hitch... I did everything AFC... And so, she said she'll call me tomorrow... which she never did. The next night, I saw her on msn at 3 in the morning and i started talking to her again and asked her what she wants.... she said she's very confused... Anyway, i asked her if she was kissing the other guy or anything... she said yes and she said that she already told me... well, if she did, I wouldn't be like this...

Anyway, that is my story... from playing it cool... i got played... i want to know now whether to just delete her from msn or block her then delete her from msn or simply to just leave her there and just forget it. Like she's transparent...

 

[ready123]

just delete her, then you won't have to deal with the negative anchors you feel every time you see her name. you'll find it easier to clear your head and move on

there are plenty of girls out there who DO know what they want and aren't gonna be fvckin with your head and emotions. this one's not one of them

next girl will be better. and you'll be smarter

 

[Blue Phoenix]

Interceptor take a look at this:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=140460

Ready, what if she proposes to keep the sex going?

 

[dannyegg4575]

I've noticed a continual repetition of this pattern. This keeps happening to me... each time i make the girl fall in love with me, she continues to love me for awhile and then, that love drops like a rock somehow...
this is the 3rd time this happens. should I not romanticize women? i mean, give her the emotional love that she wants? or what is it?

 

[Blue Phoenix]

Dan this is related:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=140745

 

[Interceptor]

I've noticed a continual repetition of this pattern. This keeps happening to me... each time i make the girl fall in love with me, she continues to love me for awhile and then, that love drops like a rock somehow...
this is the 3rd time this happens. should I not romanticize women? i mean, give her the emotional love that she wants? or what is it?

My gut feeling is that you are not being yourself when you intially meet and seduce these women.
Then, as you reveal more and more of your true self, she begins to realize that you may not be the 'same guy' she met before.

Maybe perhaps you are also jealous? Clingy? Possessive? Needy? Dont have a life?
Maybe you are showing 'love' in a somewhat overly romantic notion? Maybe perhaps a little immature in showing that affection?

A myriad of things coudl be going on.

 

[dannyegg4575]

Inceptor, help me work through this...
The first ever gf i ever had, i wasn't really clingy... but was very AFC. I did all the sweet stuff that I thought girls want boys to do... and when she left, I haven't learned my lesson. And so, i met my ex-wife when i was 22. We hit it off fairly quickly... Too quickly. but i was still too young to learn about maturity in the relationship... but i too was doing all the little things that make a woman wet downstairs... This one I was with, we'd been together for 8 years before we broke up. we dated 6 years, and married 2 years. in between, we had a lot of arguments... and I was also very needy because i often want to her the "i love you" from her..
Then, after the divorce, I started learning from this site and books... And i became this detached individual who doesn't give a rats ass about what women think... I started working out and reading more and more books. I had a good job where I am financially stable... But i gave it up last year... i wanted my health over money.
Well, this girl i was with, i didn't really care for her much in the beginning... all i cared about was my own career... I wanted to have a life and be somebody. So far, I'm still a nobody...
I met this girl last year.. teased her, did all the little things. We started going out and I quickly realize that she and I are not the same. So, when i noticed her texting another guy and the guy telling her how he felt, i did the first manly thing to do... i went to bed that night and hugged her tight... Then next day, i wrote her an email and said goodbye. She didn't know what happened.... I told her later that i know about Andrew... and she was still lying to me about it. And so i moved on. This chick cling on to me for almost two months, saying how she cries to bed every night and how her pillow is wet from tears... how she missed me blah blah blah... I came back to this site and asked about what to do with a chick threatening suicide...
Her best friend called me out of the blue and told me she was in the hospital and was calling out my name. I called her on her cell phone that night and wished her well... in a few days time, i caved in and gave her another chance. She told me she would do anything to be back together. She'd walk the 9 miles and all i need to do is walk the 1 mile if the road takes 10 miles to get there. I'm like... ok.. good metaphor....

Anyway i said screw it... in the two months she came back to my life, i felt like she was really in love with me. I had a difficult time in my life and she was there constantly giving me support and encouragement. I came home from work and the house is completely spotless and my laundry was clean and folded. i couldn't believe my own eyes... i never had a girl treat me tat well before... and so i got really comfortable. we had sex nearly everyday we were together. And so i laxed.. I started getting lazy with my own life and started investing in us. I started giving her lots of affections and lots of love... blah blah blah.. and saying I love you and sh*t...
well, things started going downhill in January.. As she found out my msn messages with another girl during our breakup back then... and she didn't tell me. so things started going down hill and fast... but she didn't tell me anything, the whole time she came over constantly and still telling me she loved me... and so i assumed everything was ok.
she started hanging out with her friends until 5 in the morning and didn't come home...
and so, here is where i am now... a schmuck who still doesn' tknow how to play the game. i am kicking myself in the ass now for going to her house that day to find out what she wanted... i am also kicking myself in the ass right now for talking to her on the phone the next day about our relationship... i did the exact same thing she did back then and i groveled. the only problem is, I gave her the chance.. and now she's with all hte power and me, i lost all self-respect...

 

[Interceptor]

Danny,
Im confused
You seem to be giving me 'data' that the REASON this chick emotionally bailed on you was because you were romantic, affectionate and told her 'I love you."
Most sane healthy people want this in their life. How could this woman cheat on you if you did these thnigs?

Im also worried about this:

and I was also very needy because i often want to hear the "i love you" from her..

You need to learn how to Love yourSELF, in that way you can live well without having to hear 'I love you' from someone else.


And as for this:

she found out my msn messages with another girl during our breakup back then

It is perfectly acceptable to talk to other women when you are officially 'broken up' with a previous woman.
If she cannot accept that that is her problem, not yours.

There is also this, which I think has an important effect on the situation:

I had a difficult time in my life

My guess is that you may have become needy and clingy to her, and lost some of your Masculinity here. You may have become too dependent on her, and didnt know how to retain your confidence, masculinity, and leadership during this time. She may have become your 'mother', and perhaps you became dependent on her, and became 'weak' in her eyes. You were so grateful to her that you may have come across as too supplicating and immature perhaps.



So you let her back into your life. She treated you well, and everything was good.
Then she saw the messages and she began to withdraw from you. Is this correct?

So youre saying that her finding those messages and her subsequent disconnection from you sabotaged your relationship?

I also want to add that what you are feeling now you would not feel as bad if you were a lot stronger,maintained your self esteem, and were disciplined enough to take care of your life and maintain the Direction to accomplish your Mission in life.

In other words, you lack a strong Personal Boundary.

You lost focus and lost sight of your goals.

You didnt have enough self discipline.

You look to her for validation and comfort, as your SOLE exclusive avenues for this, thus, you became dependent on her.

Becasue you base your happiness on her, you take a hit to your ego, thus your confidence.


I would like you to examine yourself right now and what youre feeling, and make a realization..

..that you will REPEAT these same expereinces over and over and over again , if you dont do something about it.

That misery you feel. the self pity, the embarassment and shame, the lack of Masculinity?
All that WILL happen to YOU AGAIN!!!

Sorry, bro.

It WILL Happen to you again and again...




Is that the life you want?

 

[Blue Phoenix]

Interceptor (may some people bash me here) but you´re ideas are deeper than Pook´s!!!

My guess is that you may have become needy and clingy to her, and lost some of your Masculinity here. You may have become too dependent on her, and didnt know how to retain your confidence, masculinity, and leadership during this time. She may have become your 'mother', and perhaps you became dependent on her, and became 'weak' in her eyes. You were so grateful to her that you may have come across as too supplicating and immature perhaps.

That rings a bell to me. After you let this happen, and you recompose youself, is it possible that she will want you back?? Or it´s better to move on and not make things more dramatic?

 

[dannyegg4575]

NO... this is definitely not the life I want. Far from it. but I don't know what to do... At a time when my life was going downhill, she was there with her unconditional support. I lost my house to the stock market last year. I thought i found a passion in my life i love. but i was stupid enough to risk my house on it... but she never gave up on me...

Perhaps i'm making up excuses... perhaps not... but when i spoke to her, it was the accumulation of all the things that I didn't do that made her leave... in her own words she said, "you've done everything right... in fact, you too pro... you know when to yell at me, when to hug me, when to listen to me, when to not let me be the brat i know i am... but the problem isn't you.. it's me. i met Andrew a few months ago, he was really sweet to his gf... but something happened... we just clicked... it's not you, it's me... the time with you had been the most amazing time of my life... and i will never forget that... but all my friends do not like you and my parents do not like you... it's so hard to be with you.."...

All the thoughts are going through my head right now... and the more i see her online with that "i miss you" messages to the other guy, the more furious i get...

But she is not the major reason I am having difficulty right now... I'm feeling this depression because I'm not going anywhere in my life... i feel like sh*t and not really moving anywhere... each time i am doing something, there's this weird voice or image coming to block out whatever's outside, that's good trying to repair me. No matter how i shake it, it will keep coming back.... like a shadow that won't disappear disappear no matter how i try to get rid of it...
It will keep following me everywhere..

You're right Inceptor, i made her my validation of my life... it was because of all the things she did for me and because i started investing in her... the worst part of this is that was so accustomed to her waking up earlier than me everyday and looking at me next to her before she woke up. I got so used to that...

tell me what to do Inceptor... i'm at the mercy of your words... I really want to cry... teach me baby steps to regaining my confidence again... what i need to do... time is slipping by so fast... I feel like last week never happened... as i wake up each day, i go to work, go home, cook dinner and that is the end of my day... next thing i know, it's Sunday already and i'm off to work again tomorrow.. this is not the life I want... this is definitely not what i really want in life!!!

you're saying that I did all those affectionate things that women want... they do want it... but they are also too much... let me tell you what my first gf who ripped my heart apart told me (we bumped into each other 4 years ago), "Dan, all girls are *****es... they want what they can't have... you were just .. too nice to me... " At least she was honest enough to admit she was a *****, after she got engaged to another guy... She told me that, girls at the young age want all those things but they also want to have lots of fun with their friends. They want to hang out and drink and party... What you want is exclusivity which no girl at that age can give you. They haven't experienced the world yet. They haven't enjoyed their life yet.

 

[Interceptor]

(I just lost a huge reply Ijust wrote, I dont have tiime to retype everything I wrote, so this is the super short version)




Look up David Deangelo's Deep Inner game, and On Being a Man

and look up Dr. Paul Dobransky's Mature Masculine Power and Mind OS.

Also look into starting a workout program and going to the gym.

Look into taking up martial arts too.

look into EFT-Emotional Freedom Techniques

And try some of Hypnotica's MP3s to help you meditate and reprogram your subconcious.

Read up on Bushido- The Way of the Warrior

Read up on Taoism and Zen

Try to do daily affirmations. Try to meditate daily as well.

Look into Energy Healing.
Look up anything y Carol Tuttle

Look up David Deaida's Way of the Superor Man


Try to go out just to be social and interact with friends and strangers, and let go of any outcome dependancy

Try to go into nature, a park,a beach, a lake

Do somethign creative, draw, paint, sculpt, play an instrument

 

[ready123]

Ready, what if she proposes to keep the sex going?

I don't think it's good to do anything from a place of scarcity. Why get sex plus an emotional headache when you can get sex without the headache by gaming some girl you have no past with

Unless the sex was totally phenomenal, which is hard to gauge unless you've slept around a lot, the only reason to keep fvckin your ex is because you have a scarcity complex - you're not over her or don't think you can get sex from anyone else. That's not a good place to come from. On top of that, the LTR past clouds the reason why you guys broke up and keeps that emotional bond going. If you guys broke up, best thing is for that bond to disappear as fast as possible so both of you can move on

In all practicality it would be fine if the sex was just sex. But most guys can't look at sex with their ex as just sex. And even if they could doesn't mean their ex can. So it's gonna be a headache

 

[DonGorgon]

always ... always dumper at the high point of the relationship just after the honey moon phase... She will love you for ever..

 

[Blue Phoenix]

always ... always dumper at the high point of the relationship just after the honey moon phase... She will love you for ever..

Lol. Now I´m felling happy! :cheer:

With the crazy girl I posted before, we had sex twice and she seemed to go for the third round. However, I left her (she didn´t want me to go). After that I didn´t call her back anymore.

What you said is so true. She will regret for the rest of her life for having implied the end of our relationship. She asked me not to fall in love, and said that another girl would be a good catch to me.

She knows I like her and at this stage this was a put down, and I got it. I´ll stop the game right there, or I´ll seriously crash and burn.

*In the past I had everything under control, I dumped the girl but when I gave in she came back and dumped me on the spot. :cuss: I won´t make the same mistake. It´s hard because the chance of having sex with her is high.

 

[Interceptor]

Never give up your Self Respect and Dignity for sex...