How to deal with Ex in circle of friends?

[Mountainman]

Hey guys,
Alright first post in the forum so be gentle..I'm a virgin. So the last few months I've been having to deal with an ex in the circle of friends. I guess first off let me give you some background:

I met this girl last spring from the softball team. Great girl and we had alot of fun together. Basically developed a good group of friends together. Honestly most of the friends we're mine to begin with but I introduced them to her. Anyway, was having a great summer together until things started to faulter. Now what was one stumbling block that I think hurt us from the beginning was that before I started dating her (about 4-5 months ago) she had broken off a relationship of 10 years. Yeah I know..I know...should've stayed away in the first place but the arrow penetrated pretty deep. Anyway, one thing compounded onto another..she wanted space along with the fact that she found out she was PREGNANT. Well at the time she found out (six weeks to be exact). So we didn't know what to do..I felt like my life was going to change drastically but it didn't. She had a miscarriage. So now things we're really freaking messed up. We didn't talk for a little while. When we did hang out because of our friends she would give me the cold shoulder. In fact on NYE I wanted to make amends with her and was talking to her..she didn't even look at me. What a *****! Anyway, thought I'd email the masters to get some insight into my situation. I've been in multiple long term relationships and still consider my self sort of an afc. I'm working on getting that under control though. Thanks for your help!
Garrison

 

[Latinoman]

How old are you and your ex?

 

[Mountainman]

I'm 32 and she's 29

 

[MacAvoy]

One of my ex's and I went through a miscarriage. Twice actually but it literally tore us apart both times. First time, I didnt find out about it and the pregnancy till 4 months later, sent me into a depression and cut her out of my life. Fast forward 4 years, met up with her, everything was perfect, she got pregnant, we got engaged, everything was amazing, long story short, she had miscarriage #2, she had a rip in her ovaries and couldn't carry to term.

Moral of the story, sometimes things can be great but there not meant to be. For some reason things just didn't work out with this one. Looking back she was probably the best relationship I've ever had. Luckily for me, for some reason she was easy to get over. She was never my oneitis.

What I would suggest doing is move on with your life. Don't make the same mistake she did (hook up quickly after a LTR). The best thing to do is give yourself time to grieve the loss you both experienced and the loss of her. Most importantly, don't try to be her friend/be there for her. Move on.

If your friends insist on hanging out with her, stop hanging out with them. Go out and meet new friends, develop a new social network. If your friends call and ask you to do something, ask if she's going to be there, if they say yes, then say Thanks but I'm going to go XXX with YYYY. Make it clear to your friends that you harbour no ill feelings toward them if they choose to hang out with a chick instead of their longtime friend but you would don't make friends with ex's.

That is very important, otherwise, you've got years of agony ahead of you. It will be torture seeing her all the time, with everything you two have been through.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Be cordial to her but whatever you do, do not say anything derogatory about her to any mutual friends. There will be people out there who will want to cause turmoil by making you out to be an evil scape goat.

 

[DoubleA]

Well..

You need to change the things you've been doing. They are right. Stop hanging out with them. Eventually they'll get the idea. Sometimes I look back and realize, certain people were never your friend.

Right now you need to preserve the sanctity of your mental space. Being comfortable is most important than trying to fit in.

Life is hard. It's even harder when people try and make it harder for you. See the situation for what it is and make changes to give yourself more space.

She'll be fine. Maybe..

Sorry to hear about your situation.

 

[Mountainman]

Thanks for the words of wisdom everyone! I have begun to make more friends. I really don't plan on disowning any of my friends here because a good friend is almost as hard to find as a good woman. I won't make my friends a casualty to our failed relationship..anyways with an exception of a few of her girlfriends (who are also my friends) most of them we're my friends I introduced to her (guy friends). I've also decided when I see her again I'm not going to make an extra effort to smooth things out. She has some major issues with communication so I think that making an effort will only take away from my mental health. She will come to me if she does. Only see her about once a month anyway and the last few times including NYE I showed up with a girl. She may be upset at that and maybe that's the reason for the cold shoulder but still I feel its immature. Anyone else had experiences with an ex in the circle?

 

[DoubleA]

Mountainman,

No prob.

But duke, next time..don't forget the key parts like you showing up at a NYE party with some other chick.

- AA

 

[Mountainman]

Good point..by the way I just noticed that you we're literally born 11 days before I was..pretty wild. Alright have a good one!