how to confess my interest in her?

[jshblum]

I'm 27, she's 32. I met her about two years ago at our job, and although I quit shortly thereafter, we've stayed in regular contact since then. Lately we've been meeting for lunch and dinner, and we've also gone on a long hike. When I stay out of touch for a while she always emails me to see what I'm up to. Whenever I meet her, and when we depart, she always gives me a nice hug. The problem? I know that a year ago she still had a boyfriend. But when we've met recently, she hasn't mentioned him. So she may or may not still have him, I don't know. I didn't ask. If she has one, I find it kind of strange that she goes on three-hour Sunday lunches and two-hour drives and hikes with me without ever mentioning him. I once sent her an email last year saying that I thought she was a "great catch" to which she replied that she was flattered (at the time I know she definitely had a boyfriend).

I don't know if she's just being friendly to me, or if she feels attracted to me as well. How do I ask her about this? I'm meeting her for dinner next week, and I want to know one thing: How can I finally tell her how I feel about her? If I just say "I find you attractive" she might reply "Thanks" which wouldn't give me much information. But I don't want to go overboard either ("I LOVE YOU!") because that could backfire. What's the right balance? I want to tell her once and for all that I'm totally attracted to her and want to date her. But I have to do it in a way that allows her some flexibility in her answer, so that she doesn't feel cornered.

What should I do???

 

[Latinoman]

Guys...if you are truly interested sexually (and emotionally) in a woman...just make sure you don't become her "friend".

My point is...she has to know sooner rather than later that you are interested. And sooner means NOT LATER than 3 convos.

You are this woman's girlfriend.

So...next time you meet a woman that you find attractive and would like to have...you can continue to be a "nice" guy but at the same time more "sexual". And with more sexual, I mean in relation to your attitude. A man that is "sexual" doesn't have to talk sex or even bluntly try to pick up that woman. He can simply send hints and signals and make her laugh and more to flirty. It is hard to describe.

I would say that in your case you would have to go all Jihad on her. I mean, if you have failed to get her attracted to you during lunch and hikes...and you STILL want to be with her. Then the Jihad move would be to simply say, "Hey...I am going to take you on a date. (and for Christ sake have a couple dates and times handy)"

If you have not built attraction during the numerous lunches and hiking...then you are NEVER going to do it. And because you have Oneitis...you might as well go Jihad.

 

[Bible_Belt]

NEVER tell a women how you feel instead show her.

Absolutely, telling her is the fastest way to make her lose interest. Show her by flirting, teasing, kino, kiss test, etc.

Do all of this, and if she turns away when you try to kiss her, then just withdraw your attention for as long as it takes for her to become interested again. Stop being her dinner-buddy and friend. Every moment that you are around her without trying to escalate to the physical is wasted time; it digs you deeper into the friend zone.

 

[Latinoman]

In your particular case (now that you have wasted all this time)...I would say,
in a flirty and outgoing way,

"I'm going to take you out on a date. And you are going to share that beautiful smile with me so I can see your dimples (little holes on cheeks). {in an exagerated way, raise both my hands for effect and say} Hey...what can I say...I'm SELFISH!!!" {then smile and wink at her}

That is my PERSONAL style when I talk with woman. It is ME. MY personallity. It is NOT learned and it is NOT practiced. It simply comes spontaneous. My point is: it is NOT a learned line (women know when something is learned and is spontaneous). Heck...the line it even looks cheesy. It is in fact cheesy. But that's the beauty of this. If a woman blushes or smiles or her eyes shine as she smiles AFTER listening to something as cheesie as the above...then the chances of she finding you at least cute are very high. A cheesie spontaneous line coming with the right attitude out can become a very powerful weapon or tool in determine woman's attraction level.

But I'm sharing it with you because it crossed my mind and because I wanted to illustrate you what I would do if I was in a situation similar to yours...and to show you the "being sexual without talking sex" part.

Also, to show you a way of putting "traps" (e.g. fishing) to see her interest level without jeopardizing other things (if she is the kind of woman that I can dispose and never see her again, then I would use a more direct approach).

You see? The line I share with you is my way of trying to detect if she is attracted to me. I'm doing that to see her reaction and judge by her reaction if it is worth my time to even pursue her.

See my point?

Good...now go for it. And spin some plates too!

 

[Latinoman]

NEVER tell a women how you feel instead show her.

Absolutely, telling her is the fastest way to make her lose interest. Show her by flirting, teasing, kino, kiss test, etc.

Do all of this, and if she turns away when you try to kiss her, then just withdraw your attention for as long as it takes for her to become interested again. Stop being her dinner-buddy and friend. Every moment that you are around her without trying to escalate to the physical is wasted time; it digs you deeper into the friend zone.

No doubt! Excellent point!

 

[jshblum]

NEVER tell a women how you feel instead show her.

Absolutely, telling her is the fastest way to make her lose interest. Show her by flirting, teasing, kino, kiss test, etc.

Do all of this, and if she turns away when you try to kiss her, then just withdraw your attention for as long as it takes for her to become interested again. Stop being her dinner-buddy and friend. Every moment that you are around her without trying to escalate to the physical is wasted time; it digs you deeper into the friend zone.

Sounds good. When we meet (and when we say goodbye) we always hug. So how about I plant a kiss on her cheek when we meet next time? Should I playfully ask for a kiss back? That, and her attitude during the rest of the dinner, should tell me something right?

 

[Docs]

Cheek = No.
Ask = Not in the way you are suggesting.

Rather, you should be building her interest the whole date and Kiss Close her. Fastest, simpliest way to figure it out. Just remember, let her kiss you.

 

[realsmoothie]

its too late........you cannot be a chump for 2 years and never kiss her, only to OUT OF NOWHERE (in her mind at least) start flirting and coming on to her. She will be freaked out and let me tell you something if u try to kiss her or ask her out:

her: "what are you doing? I thought we are friends"

(what shes REALLY thinking is "what kind of a man are u to like me for 2 years and to only make your first move NOW??? no thanks, i prefer sexual men")

you blew it with her by not making moves on her the 1st first time u and her went out. Move on.

Geez, settle down. You don't know anything about this situation, so don't go telling him what he can and can't do. I know that everyone here has to toe the party line and say something like "if you haven't screwed her by the time she knows your last name, it's too late", but this is the real world, not DJ fantasy land.

If the guy thinks that this girl might be interested, and is willing to take a shot, I say go for it. As long as he realizes that he risks losing the friendship, and that it's going to be tough either way.

 

[jshblum]

bringing her a gift

Thanks for the advice guys.

One more detail: I just got back from a trip, and when I emailed her to set up our next meeting I told her that I brought her "something special" from my trip. She seemed to be excited about this, replying "Oh wow, thanks. I'm really curious what you got!". And then we joked back and forth over email what the gift is (I haven't told her). It's actually a nice sweater from her college town (so when she wears it she'll think of me .

When I emailed her I told her to pick lunch or dinner, and she actually said "let's make it dinner", so that's good I guess. We're meeting later this week.

What should I do with my gift? Should I wrap it up for her? Should I give it to her before dinner? During? After? Should I use the gift to deliver my "line", whatever that is? ("You know, I really like spending time with you...")

HELP!

 

[Muzzlehatch]

I would say that in your case you would have to go all Jihad on her.

I loved this term! You mean, strap a few kilos of Semtex to your chest and take her with you...? Hmm, bit extreme...
I fully agree with you though, excellent advice. I know just what you mean about the sexual vibe thing as well, a lot of the signals can be very subtle when it happens.
Bottom line for this guy is its make or break. Got to put the interaction on the line, and make sure the lady is crystal clear what his interest is, which means 'subtle' won't cut it.
jshblum, the bad news is that your chances of pulling this off aren't great. Best to make a clean break if it doesn't happen.
The good news is that there are zillions of women out there that if you apply the principles of resources like these should be falling over themselves to get at you.

Interesting link, very pertinant to your case if you look at the smallest guy's situation in the program http://youtube.com/watch?v=9DYn4-h3Cnk

Good luck. Still chuckling abou Jihad, Latinoman.

 

[jshblum]

the gift/kiss switcheroo

wow.. I like it. that sounds like a great idea. there will be no doubt about my intentions. what does everyone else think?

How bout the gift you give her will be a surprise kiss outta nowhere.......in fact you are onto something here. When you see her, tell her to close her eyes and she will get a gift.......then KISS HER

 

[Bible_Belt]

Thanks for the advice guys.

One more detail: I just got back from a trip, and when I emailed her to set up our next meeting I told her that I brought her "something special" from my trip. She seemed to be excited about this, replying "Oh wow, thanks. I'm really curious what you got!". And then we joked back and forth over email what the gift is (I haven't told her). It's actually a nice sweater from her college town (so when she wears it she'll think of me .

When I emailed her I told her to pick lunch or dinner, and she actually said "let's make it dinner", so that's good I guess. We're meeting later this week.

What should I do with my gift? Should I wrap it up for her? Should I give it to her before dinner? During? After? Should I use the gift to deliver my "line", whatever that is? ("You know, I really like spending time with you...")

HELP!

Dude, you need help. You are showing the signs of being on the average side of the AFC/DJ divide. What did she do to earn that gift? Nothing, that's what; you are thinking that you are the lucky one to be around her and on her mind, and that is the wrong way to think. She is the lucky one to have your attention, because you have plenty of other women who would love to be with you. When you internalize that frame, your attention becomes enough of a gift by itself. I'd suggest not giving her the sweater yet. It's good that you have created at least a little mystery and some excitement with the gift idea. When you see her and she asks what you got her, I would suggest that you touch her casually, stare into her eyes, and reply, "Your gift is this night with me," and then give her a sly smile. She'll melt. It keeps her guessing and wondering exactly what you meant. She also said "dinner" over lunch, so that is an IOI. There is still hope. If the date goes well, meaning you get some action, then maybe on the next date you can actually give her the sweater, after she has earned it.

I sympathize for you, because I used to think very similarly to you. I bought gifts and dinner, and was mr nice guy, all of which got me nowhere. But after I realized that having a game with women required study and practice like any other endeavor in life, I learned the basic techniques of this web site and a few of the seduction gurus. Now the women in my life are FBs, not friends. Curiously, they always seem to have 3-4 AFC guys following them around like puppy dogs. Sometimes, resting after sex, we laugh about those guys. Don't be one of them.

 

[Latinoman]

I loved this term! You mean, strap a few kilos of Semtex to your chest and take her with you...? Hmm, bit extreme...
I fully agree with you though, excellent advice.

Still chuckling abou Jihad, Latinoman.

Thanks man.

My "Jihad" term was more of going into a suicidal mission. I mean...he waited too long. He is literally screwed. So, he might as well go for it. Even if he end up losing everything.

Think about it...if he fails at least he can move on with his life. If he doesn't go for it at this stage...he will continue to prolongue his oneities and literally lose focus on other babes out there.

This woman is getting what she wants from him: friendship.
He is not getting what he wants from her: sexual relationship.

 

[Latinoman]

Thanks for the advice guys.

One more detail: I just got back from a trip, and when I emailed her to set up our next meeting I told her that I brought her "something special" from my trip. She seemed to be excited about this, replying "Oh wow, thanks. I'm really curious what you got!". And then we joked back and forth over email what the gift is (I haven't told her). It's actually a nice sweater from her college town (so when she wears it she'll think of me .

When I emailed her I told her to pick lunch or dinner, and she actually said "let's make it dinner", so that's good I guess. We're meeting later this week.

What should I do with my gift? Should I wrap it up for her? Should I give it to her before dinner? During? After? Should I use the gift to deliver my "line", whatever that is? ("You know, I really like spending time with you...")

HELP!

Hmmmm...you might have some hope as very rarely a woman that has ZERO interest in a man would suggest dinner over lunch (especially if she knows that he bought her a gift which tends to be a clear indication that he has some level of interest).

In fact, she would feel uncomfortable and perhaps only accept the gift and the shortest of the two dates (e.g. lunch over dinner) to avoid misunderstanding.

In this case, she is either naive or you have sent her some serious "gay-little-brother" signs that she might feel comfortable or she might simply be a little curious about you.

I don't know.

I do know that hug is a "brotherly" thing and kiss on the cheek is how men in the Caribbean kiss their female friends and sisters.

 

[jshblum]

So do you think I should do the move where I tell her to close her eyes before I give her the gift, then softly kiss her on the lips? Or is that too strong of a move?

Hmmmm...you might have some hope as very rarely a woman that has ZERO interest in a man would suggest dinner over lunch (especially if she knows that he bought her a gift which tends to be a clear indication that he has some level of interest).

In fact, she would feel uncomfortable and perhaps only accept the gift and the shortest of the two dates (e.g. lunch over dinner) to avoid misunderstanding.

In this case, she is either naive or you have sent her some serious "gay-little-brother" signs that she might feel comfortable or she might simply be a little curious about you.

I don't know.

I do know that hug is a "brotherly" thing and kiss on the cheek is how men in the Caribbean kiss their female friends and sisters.

 

[jshblum]

is she just being nice, or interested in me???

A quick recap of our "relationship" thus far:

I met her two years ago. I know she had a boyfriend at the time, and she last mentioned him to me one year ago. I haven't asked since and she hasn't mentioned him since.

Over the last month or so we've met up several times for lunch and dinner. Recently we met up for a Sunday lunch that lasted about two hours. Afterwards it was *HER* idea that we should go hiking. I took her up on the offer and we drove around for almost two hours, and went hiking for another two. During this time we took pictures of each other and talked, laughed, etc. We also studied a map very closely together, hunching over the map with our heads very close to each other (I think you guys know what I mean).

Whenever we've met up (so far) she's always been more than happy to come to my area of town, even though that's at least a 30-40 minute drive or more for her.

She even visited me at my apartment a few weeks ago, where we chatted for about an hour and a half. Again, very friendly, but nobody made any moves.

For our next meeting (coming up this week!) I asked her if she wants to do lunch or dinner, and she picked dinner. I told her I brought her a gift from my trip, and she seemed excited and wanted to know what it was.

If she still has that boyfriend (I haven't dared to ask), wouldn't all this be weird? Or does it mean their relationship is SOOO good that they can do this and still completely trust each other? If I were the boyfriend, and I knew she was doing this stuff, I would be furious.

I have very subtly hit on her a few times (I know, I've been a totaly ***** so far) by complimenting her personality and her looks and she always reacts positively. But she has never returned the favor, and she has never made a move on me.

So what's going on? Is she

* 1) being a friendly mother (remember I'm 27 she is 32)
* 2) she is naive and/or just too friendly
* 3) she is interested in me and being very cautious?

What is your analysis?

 

[Bible_Belt]

She's just a woman like any other. You have to make the moves, not her. She must really like you to be so patient waiting for you to do something, but that patience will not last forever. Complimenting her looks and personality is not "hitting on" her. Have you done any research at all?

And forget about the bf. Who cares? If she's with you that night, that's good enough. Jealousy in a man is a waste of time.

 

[jshblum]

So what would you consider hitting on her? I have to strike the right balance: too aggressive and she may be offended. Remember, she may just be very friendly and not interested. But if I'm not clear in my intentions, I will look like an idiot (probably already am looking like one).

What do I do? I can't just grab her and suddenly make out with her.

My idea of hitting on her would be to hug her, kiss her, and tell her she's really cute. But I have no idea if that is appropriate.

I have read the DJ bible some time ago, but I'm not sure which technique is appropriate for me at this stage. Along what general lines would you recommend I act? She's been really friendly, and I'm concerned about doing something that she totally did not expect

She's just a woman like any other. You have to make the moves, not her. She must really like you to be so patient waiting for you to do something, but that patience will not last forever. Complimenting her looks and personality is not "hitting on" her. Have you done any research at all?

And forget about the bf. Who cares? If she's with you that night, that's good enough. Jealousy in a man is a waste of time.

 

[jshblum]

She hasn't done it so far, but what if she mentions her boyfriend (who she may or may not still have)? If she even mentions the word "boyfriend" I will feel devastated and my heart will sink. I just hope she doesn't bring it up. It would be pretty weird if she did, wouldn't it? Here we are having dinner, and I'm bringing her a gift, and then WHAM she talks about her boyfriend. I don't want to stress about things that haven't even happened, but I'm trying to figure out how I should act.

She's just a woman like any other. You have to make the moves, not her. She must really like you to be so patient waiting for you to do something, but that patience will not last forever. Complimenting her looks and personality is not "hitting on" her. Have you done any research at all?

And forget about the bf. Who cares? If she's with you that night, that's good enough. Jealousy in a man is a waste of time.

 

[JustDoItAlways]

Women do not trust words.

Despite being the more verbal half of the species, words mean absolutely nothing to them. Perhaps it is because they are more verbal. They know that other women are always talking sh1t, they know they themselves talk sh1t all the time.

So they only trust ACTIONS.

Just like we say "actions speak louder than words", chicks live it. They rarely say it and they won't admit it to themselves but they don't want their men verbally admitting to liking them or loving them, they don't trust it. They want you to prove it through actions. (Which is why they always resort to sh1t tests and other tests because they need you to prove through actions who you really are.)

So, you can not verbally tell her about your interest.

You have to show your interest through actions, through a bold move on her. Like a man who can not hold himself back because he desires her so much.

BUT, you are now in the friend zone. She obviously like hangin' with you. She likes the person you are.

But you are the attractive friend to her. You are the definition of the friendzone.

Here is the only way out of the friendzone. You make your bold move like the above. She will express extreme shock and horror at your move (even though she might just go with it for a few dozen seconds.) You now be cool and say "I've just always wanted to do that" with a big sly smile on your face.

You then maintain your coolness while she makes the occassional comment over the next 10 minutes about how you are out of your mind (actually it almost always goes this way in case you were wondering.)

You end the date. Maybe you put the bold move on her again if it seems right (sometimes it isn't, sometimes a little reinforcement helps.)

You then give her several days to think about it. You do not contact her.

Chicks do not reslot you from friend to lover over night. They need to go over it in their head over and over and over again. They need to talk about it with their friends. They need to fantasize about it, dream about it.

Then in several days, she will phone you with the results. She will again express shock and horror about what you did. The conversation may take half an hour but then she will let it slip out that ....

She either really liked it or she just wants to remain friends.

Don't accept the first blurb out of her mouth. Ask her questions until you are sure which way she has made her mind up.

This doesn't always work out the way you want. Sometimes you really are friendzoned for life. But sometimes you are not. This is the best way to find out for sure one way or the other as well as maximize your odds that she will jump your bones on the first date after this little play.