How to become a DJ - (my most enlightened post yet)

Jariel

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Introduction

A few months ago I experienced a very harsh break up and people on this forum saw me sink to rock bottom, starting thread after thread trying to find answers. I was looking for external reasons why my relationship failed and at what I did wrong before realising that the real problem was not my break up, but the way I dealt with it - it was my head that needed sorting out, not my techniques or actions. So after a lot of introspection my whole attitude has changed, I’ve found personal contentment and finally uncovered the path to DJ enlightenment.

Please bear with this long post as I share the wisdom of my experience, successes and mistakes (as opposed to theory) and some of the most valuable tips and insights I’ve learned…


Fall of a Natural DJ

Four years ago I was single and I was happy. I could appreciate everything surrounding me and looked forward to the many prospects of each day. I enjoyed learning and loved meeting people simply to listen to what they had to say and broaden my mind. I looked for the best in people, they admired me and even people twice my age looked up to me and found inspiration in me. I made friends with ease and when women were attracted to me it was genuine attraction that grew stronger in my presence and was never dependent on games, tricks or attention. I had nothing to prove and no tension in my life. You might say I was a natural DJ, but didn’t know it.

My failing at this time was placing way too much importance on my girlfriend and her opinion of me. Therefore, when she left me I experienced a painful loss, was left with a wounded ego and felt unworthy, self-conscious and in need of some reassurance. After improving my looks and image the female attention and popularity followed. All seemed well on the surface, yet I still had a void inside of me and a number of insecurity issues. Dates, flings and short-term relationships offered fleeting happiness and confidence, but ultimately I couldn’t handle them and they always ended with a sense of loss, pain and paranoia. More recently I became flirtatious, manipulative and egocentric, and not a particularly genuine person.


The Perils of the Ego

The ego can become like a parasite, so desperate to be fed that it distracts from all the good things in life and in yourself. As it grows it hungers for more attention and can become life-consuming. Like any addiction, it becomes a dependency and as long as I was getting attention I was happy, but without my fix I sunk into the depths of despair and started doubting my value. I’ve seen it in myself and others and it can make a person desperate and undesirable, even unstable.

Many of the women I dated have been of the same mindset as me (attention wh0res) and just wanted a good-looking and popular trophy boyfriend to increase their status and self-worth. These women never cared for me and I never cared for them, we merely cared about the attention, status and the ego boost we received from each other. Without a firm and genuine foundation, a relationship (and general attraction) will crumble, regardless of a person’s appearance, status or wealth.

Of course, good looks and social status are alluring to most people, but they are merely a novelty. Good looks also become a curse when you become dependent on them. Attractive people often rely too much on their looks and without someone to validate them they have no faith in themselves. Therefore, they tend to evaluate their entire worth through the eyes of others (or someone particular) and have no firm sense of self-confidence.

Ego-based confidence fluctuates. Confidence can be sky high when things are going smoothly, but egocentric people often fall at the first hurdle or fail as soon as they are tested (hence why women test guys), causing their confidence to plummet. If your ego controls you and other people control your ego, you allow them to become your masters!


Achieving True Inner Confidence

Let’s face it, most of us came to this forum looking to improve our chances with women (or a woman), which makes us needy by default and indicates our lives are lacking in other areas. Realising this for myself, I decided to pursue happiness by other means than women and regain my enthusiasm for life and my respect for people. This is not a strategy to win women, but a decision to actually stop pursuing women, cut the flirting and approaching, stop caring about popularity and seek personal and independent contentment. I am not ruling out dates or relationships, but it will be because I like the woman and enjoy our time together, not to feed my ego.

Many of us here seek confidence, yet few people actually understand what confidence is. It is not arrogance, being the alpha male or centre of attention, nor is it a state of apathy or ignorance towards rules and other people. In fact, a confident man should only care about meeting his own standards and should therefore be able to live in harmony with anybody else with no need to be better than them. To achieve this, we must learn to appreciate what we have more than what we desire. Oneitis and infatuation are nothing more than states of attachment and fear of loss. They can be overcome by letting go of personal desire. Likewise, fear of rejection and insecurity are nothing more than the ego protecting itself and this too can be overcome by letting go of the ego.

However, it is important never to mistake confidence with complacency. We should have grounds to feel confident and should never try to fool ourselves that we are perfect. We all have potential to become great and it’s up to us to make the most of it. Improve your looks, health, intelligence, success and social abilities, but make every step a personal challenge and enjoy the journey towards greatness. Focusing on yourself and your goals gives you a purpose which transcends the desire for women.


State of Mind

Our state of mind is the key to how we perceive ourselves, the world around us and how other people perceive us in return. A contented mind makes for a contented person who radiates appeal and draws others towards him/her. If we can maintain a positive state of mind at all times, even in the face of adversity or trauma, we shield ourselves against negativity. There is a valuable NLP technique that proves this and can show you how your state of mind reflects ******ds and creates your “aura”…

Sit comfortably, close your eyes and think of a negative memory. Re-live it in detail and notice how it makes you feel and how it changes your mood, facial expression and posture. Open your eyes and relax. Now do the opposite and focus on a positive memory. Notice the physical changes in posture, breathing and expression. Nothing around you has affected you in any way, yet by changing your internal thoughts you have caused both a mental and physical change in yourself. So clearly, if you are going about your day with a positive state of mind, your whole demeanour and behaviour will appear this way to others.

People with problems on their mind cannot help giving off a negative vibe. Likewise, any desperation and frustration that is going through your mind will become obvious to others. As this exercise proves, you unconsciously control your mood, body language, actions and voice tone with your mental state.


Seduction is Supplication

What I have recently come to see is that every one of us who seek methods to seduce women are manipulative, untrustworthy and needy. Anyone who is willing to change who they are or put on an act to get what they want are not being true to themselves and this in itself is the ultimate act of supplication. It is not the DJ way and sooner or later people will see through you. The DJ way encourages us to be great, not to convince others of our greatness. Many of us try to understand and control attraction, yet true attraction is natural, not the result of persuasion. While we should always remain wise to the manipulative tactics of others, we should never sink to that level ourselves, because as confident men we shouldn’t need to.

What most seduction gurus and PUAs teach are techniques to create a short-term illusion that appeals to a woman’s ego, but like a fat chick in a corset an insecure loser with a witty repertoire will eventually reveal his true nature. Many seduction artists are not cool, charming or confident by nature, they act this way in order to get women. “Nice guys” are not nice because it’s their nature, it’s because they are attempting to seduce women with kindness, while many bad boys act like jerks because they think that’s the way to get women to like them. Every average (frustrated) chump has their own method of seduction and all of them are servile and supplicating in their own way. Women are not stupid, they know when a man wants sex and can sense lies and ulterior motives instinctively.

There are so many guys asking questions like “how do I do X?” or “should I do Y?”, when what they mean is “How do I persuade a woman to do Z?” Forget about controlling other people, do what is natural to you (given the situation and people involved) and let people make up their own minds. So many of us get caught up with “rules” and all the do’s and don’ts of seduction and fail more because of them. With our heads overflowing with all this seduction rubbish, how can we expect to relax, put anyone else at ease and have a good time? More to the point, all this is aimed solely at getting her to like you…talk about desperation!
 
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Jariel

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DJing and Women

Ever noticed how more women show interest when you’re in a contented relationship and no longer in “the game”? The same thing happens when you are generally contented with yourself.

To get started I made a firm decision that I am not going to date, pick up or try to seduce women for a month, no matter what. With this decision made I have been going out looking to enjoy the company and conversation of friends, make new acquaintances and nothing more. Not only do I feel more at ease and able to deal with problems, but my friendships and social groups are stronger than ever and, ironically, women have been throwing themselves at me. In fact, every time I have been out lately I’ve had women come onto me very strongly and persistently. Some of these women are gorgeous and it was nice to have their attention, but I went with the flow and was happy to walk away with no desire to pursue anything more. After all, sleeping with 100 women is pointless if it leaves you craving more, and being in a relationship with your ideal woman is pointless if you constantly worry about her leaving you. It’s far better to walk away appreciating such moments for what they were rather than wondering what they could be.

Ask yourself truthfully, do you ever…

- Crave attention and feel anxious when you don’t get it?
- Worry about a woman’s interest level?
- Strategise to keep a woman interested?
- Hope for or expect sex from a woman?
- Feel the need to compete with or prove yourself to others?
- Say or do things to try and impress a woman or increase interest?
- Hold conversations with an outcome in mind?

The harsh truth is if you do any of these things you are not ready to handle women and you are setting yourself up to be hurt. Forget everything you know about seduction and maintaining interest levels. If a woman is interested in you, you will find your relationship with her easy, natural and enjoyable. If it’s not, back off and find something else to occupy your mind.



Conclusion

What I’ve written here is a guide to finding contentment and building confidence. It should not be mistaken for playing cool, and using it as a game strategy or instructions to attract women will defeat the whole purpose. You really need to focus on being satisfied with yourself and your life first and foremost. The fact is, there are numerous positive and enlightening experiences to be appreciated every day – in yourself, in your surroundings, in other people, in books, music and media etc - if you simply stop taking them for granted.

Life is a series of experiences, stop seeking an outcome from them and learn to value each one independently, including the lessons they teach and the memories you get to keep.
 

squirrels

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I'm giving this 5 stars.

Not saying there aren't things that aren't misleading, but for the most part it parallels some personal revelations I've had about myself in the last week or so.

I realized that in this quest to fuel my ego, I had lost my faith in everything, most of all myself, and had begun to look at 1) my possessions, 2) my "achievements" and personal "benchmarks", and 3) how people thought of me to make me whole. It's VERY hard to shake...even this site lately crams it down your throat.

I had lost my faith, and my hungry ego became my punishment for my faithlessness.

And like DMX said, "I reached out for love, but what came back was thirst". Everyone out there searching for the "one thing" that will gratify them, using their goals not as waypoints for the journey of their lives but as measurements of this imaginary concept known as "success".

"Success" with women became more important than experiencing them intimately. You cannot be a good lover when you are so busy trying to make yourself feel "successful" that you can't give anything to HER.

It happens even in BED. Sex is about giving pleasure. Not saying you shouldn't "get yours" ;) , but I had gotten to a point where I was more concerned with satisfying women to fuel my own ego than actually giving them pleasure and being attuned to their needs. I had lost my faith in my own sexuality and my own masculinity.

To be a true "Don Juan", "PUA", "Seduction-master", or whatever takes FAITH. Faith in oneself, most of all. If you BELIEVE and KNOW that you are whole, if you have enough love to sustain your OWN need for validation, you WILL be confident. More importantly, it will allow you to project love, fun, energy, laughter, etc to other people and make space in your life-story for THEM as well.

This is the key to life...stop chasing after things like money, power, sex, confidence, self-esteem, etc like they were Pokemon and you "gotta catch 'em all" and aren't complete until you have them. Instead, seek these things inside yourself. Set goals and dream dreams and use them not as goals to attain, but as directions in the flow of your life.

"Act as if" means BELIEVE in yourself...when you believe you are complete, secure, confident, you will behave in a manner that brings you to these things, or brings them to you.

"Follow your dreams"....follow being the key word. Not REACH FOR, not OBTAIN, but FOLLOW them. They are guides on your journey through life. If you CATCH the guide, it doesn't mean that your life is over, that you are SUCCESSFUL. Success and failure are illusions. There is only progress and stagnation...and you control the route.

I could go on forever...but I'd be babbling because many of these things don't form rational thoughts easily. I'd need to sit down like Jariel did to make a well-thought-out reply that looks like it belongs in tips.

This thread, however, is true.
 

muttley

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good post. The part i agree with is the fallen DJ part. I was always not bothered with women and always a naturally ****y indvidual but all that ceased the moment i developed a relationship with a certain young lady. Good post jariel:D
 

Best friends? NAY

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I recently lost a girl beacuse I played to many games, I thought i had to but now that i think about it I didn't need to she really did like me. I felt like I worked to hard to loose her and tried to get her back for about a week. Then I realized I should never say i "worked to hard" to let something go, speacily not chicks. The missing her is getting less everyday, and I won't let it happen again.

I learned through her that playing games really isn't that fun and isn't worth it. If you have to play games to keep soemone around then you shouldn't be with them. When playing games with soemone else you are also playing yourself. You are doing something you shouldn't and wouldn't do, to try to appear to everyone esle and yourself that you got GAME. Who cares about game when all you win his heartache.

Really I would just like to say thanx for this post, it's helping out my situation personally, and prob alot more then just me.
 

Finch

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Good advice. I agree with some points squirrels brought up though.
 

felony

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Thankyou Jariel,
This post has meant a lot to me- 5 Stars.
 

siph

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some dudes have to play games
some have game

end of story
 

Alex_L

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Originally posted by Jariel



- Hope for or expect sex from a woman?
- Hold conversations with an outcome in mind?


I don't see n e thing wrong with those tbh, Infact I think they are good traits to have.

ok, maybe the 1st one not hope / expect, but certainly expect you can't get it if you want..you should be able to set yourself goals and know u can get them whatever they are,.. and bout the conversations with an outcome in mind, I've read about this somewhere before and it seems a really good thing to be able to do, of course most of the time u dont but when u want to you should be able to.
 

jiza101

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So basically it represents the "i dont care attitude" in so far as being content with yourself and who you are. I think i have tried this and to be honest didn't get many results, hey maybe i was giving out needy messages subconsciously, maybe not. I'll give this a try for a month and let you know how it goes, i need to expand my social circles. :rockon:
 

Hellboy

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Excellent post, and excellent follow up by Squirrels.

Some comments on the end part though:

- Crave attention and feel anxious when you don’t get it?
- Worry about a woman’s interest level?
- Strategise to keep a woman interested?
- Hope for or expect sex from a woman?
- Feel the need to compete with or prove yourself to others?
- Say or do things to try and impress a woman or increase interest?
- Hold conversations with an outcome in mind?

If you lose the desperation keywords (crave, worry, hope, feel the need) then I think some of these statements can become more positive, especially with repsect to maintaining an LTR. Taking things for granted and becoming complacent can be highly destructive. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to pay attention to IL and concentrate on keeping her interested.

Aside from that point, your post is spot on! I went through a similar thing over the course of a couple of years.. Started as a natural DJ-LTR-messy breakup-low self esteem-discovered sosuave-became overly egocentric-LTR-messy breakup-lower self esteem-rediscovered sosuave... and finally GOT THE POINT-a months celebacy and exploration of self improvement/contentment.

Final result: I am in the early stages (6 weeks) of a relationship with the most amazing girl I've ever met. But I'm not dependent on her for happiness. I'm just enjoying it in the moment. If it ends, I'll pick up the pieces and carry on from where I was.
 

jakeyboy

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definitely one of the best posts i've ever read... good job Jariel.
i do notice that when i'm at ease with myself and not really trying to pick up girls, but just simply enjoying their company for what it is, they appear to like me more. and that's great. but i've got to learn to be willing to walk away from them :p

well done mate :)
 

Jariel

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Thanks everyone for the feedback, appreciation and the good advice and opinions given in the replies.

My mental state has taken a very positive turn since writing this post and I've regained a lot more control over my life. I'm enjoying life so much more - I'm making new friends and forming good connections with people, I'm reading and learning, working out more, eating well and generally investing my time and effort in myself.

Since writing this post, I have also started to observe a massive number of people being controlled by their egos. Wherever I go I'm starting to see the unconscious desperation and discontentment reflecting in people's behaviour. I've been watching friends and strangers when they're around attractive women and it makes me cringe to see them go into their little performances, their change in body language, the boasting and desperate attempt at humour. The women aren't any better either as their body language and behaviour seems to scream out for attention.

It helps to see people this way. When I talk to attractive women these days, they actually notice and comment on the difference between me and most other guys. As I see it, the difference is that most guys see these women as key holders to something they want/need and they go into strategy mode to try and get it. Whereas I see these same women as vulnerable, at the mercy of their egos and sometimes a little pathetic. I don't need anything from them, I don't need to play games or prove anything to them, so when I speak to them, they sense no desperation or ulterior motives, and they also know they have no power over me. It's interesting to see the lengths some women will go to try and assert dominance and the respect they give you when you resist.

But before I go off on several tangents, I'll stop there. I'm glad this tip has helped some people. Thanks again for the replies everyone!
 

VIVAlasVEGASBaby

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Awesome post - 5 stars:up:
 

Drow

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I haven't posted in years, but every now in then I check in on here. I really appreciate your honesty in your post. What you say makes sense and kindles in me some spark of what I should do with myself. Seek independant contentment with myself and appreciate what is around me. Thanks for your words
 

Double

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jariel im really impressed by your huge mindset change - TOTALLY different from your pretty pathetic(now that it is past i can say it can i? :D ) posts about your crazy ex. how you accomplished this in such a short time i dont understand but well i know you gone a long way with lots of errors. i hope for you that you will keep the good work up and dont fall back into old thinking habits!good post.
 
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