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How many happily married couples do you know (if any)?

buddhafukko

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Having grown up between two very large families with dozens of siblings and cousins, I've had the opportunity to see the inside of many marriages. I literally can't count a single happily married couple that I know. Even uncles and aunts who had big beautiful families and made a lot of money have long since divorced. The only marriages I know of are frankly borderline nightmarish, filled with infidelity and only together because beta bucks or children. I live in an upper class neighborhood where from the outside many of the boomers seem to have a decent marriage, but I can only observe from afar. When ever I have seen the inside of a modern marriage, I've noticed they are more or less just putting on a performance for the public, behind which they are neurotically unhappy.
 
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Howiestern

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Very few. It makes you question marriage. Its the only relationship that society expects to stay in tact regardless of the issues. Friendships end, business relationships end and society is ok with that. When these relationships go bad, you end them. You don't put up with the abuse. But thats not how it works with marriages. The expectation is to stay together.

I just don't see the point in marriage, nor staying with one person forever. I realize the benefits of two people staying together and raising a solid family, but todays world is pretty messed up.
 

Barrister

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I guess it is hard to say who is truly "happy." I know probably 4-5 couples who (on the surface), certainly appear to be happy to me and have been together for an extended amount of time (10+ years).

However, I often wonder if they are truly happy or if it is more a general learning to live with each other and coexist without conflict. Even these couples sometimes seem to lack affection directly towards each other. More they don't fight and enjoy operating as a couple. But I don't know if that qualifies as "happy" or just "content."

When I think truly "happily married" I think the man coming home with a smile on his face, the wife walking up smiling and giving a good kiss because they missed each other, and a very active sex life (4+ times per week). Does that truly happen in any long term marriage? In the ones I have seen that up close and personal (parents and extended family) that have been together 10+ years, that is almost never the case. It seems a general apathy at the very least sets in.
 

BackInTheGame78

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Happiness is a funny thing. Most are happy in SOME way, but not all ways.

But...how realistic is it to be happy in ALL ways in life? I think perhaps it is a situation where they feel unhappy in some ways for so long that it overtakes their happiness in other areas but when they break free, they simply realize that they are then unhappy in those other areas now and that it ends up being a zero sum game in the end.

Although to be fair some people are far happier in second marriages than their first having learned a lot of what they don't want in a partner from that and ensuring they are not getting someone with those qualities. Then again, some repeat the same mistakes over and over again or are more unhappy with their second marriage and wish they could have a do over in their first or realize they were too quick in their judgements or perhaps realize they were much more of a problem in that relationship when given long periods to reflect on it.
 

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Pierce.Manhammer

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I think intelligence has a direct correlation with a decreased level of self-satisfaction. The more you know the easier it is to be jaded or unhappy.

We all know that one couple- they’re not the sharpest knives in the block - but they seem to always be happy and always having fun.

I’ve pondered in the past if I’d rather be intelligent and tortured, or dumb and happy?
 

Machine10033

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You won’t see many...

Why? Because for true happiness to occur... the male leads, has a vision for his entire family and when it succeeds all are happy.

9 out of ten dudes I see now answer to their wives and they are all unhappy. I don’t know what the answer is... ?
 

Zimbabwe

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I think intelligence has a direct correlation with a decreased level of self-satisfaction. The more you know the easier it is to be jaded or unhappy.

We all know that one couple- they’re not the sharpest knives in the block - but they seem to always be happy and always having fun.

I’ve pondered in the past if I’d rather be intelligent and tortured, or dumb and happy?
The reason most relationships are unhappy is because they both have disagreeable personalities. You need the woman to ideally have an agreeable personality so not to cause conflicts in the decision making (which allows the man to take the lead).
 

Pierce.Manhammer

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The reason most relationships are unhappy is because they both have disagreeable personalities. You need the woman to ideally have an agreeable personality so not to cause conflicts in the decision making (which allows the man to take the lead).
While I agree with your statement, love is a chemical reaction in the brain. It’s not some mystical thing like many think it is.

Years ago, when I was tearing it up I had a formula I’d use to bond a woman to me sexually and it began the first time we had sex. If I decided I wanted to see the woman again and leave a lasting psychic mark on her there was a number of things I would do. To be honest it never failed after I realized what I was doing subconsciously with females that I wanted to keep around.

It became child’s play, used irresponsibly - which I did more than once - could really hurt its target.

Knowing that I could invoke a woman’s sense of me being her soulmate, blah, blah, blah took a lot of the fun out of being emotionally intertwined with a woman.

That is what im talking about.
 

Murk

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I think intelligence has a direct correlation with a decreased level of self-satisfaction. The more you know the easier it is to be jaded or unhappy.

We all know that one couple- they’re not the sharpest knives in the block - but they seem to always be happy and always having fun.

I’ve pondered in the past if I’d rather be intelligent and tortured, or dumb and happy?
Intelligence is also linked with depression, intelligent people look into the future more than living in the moment. Ignorance is bliss.

I know a few engagements that got broken off, and a few engaged couples that seem happy. No weddings yet though (I have 3 to attend next year).
 

SW15

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Almost every male friend, personal life acquaintance, and similarly aged male family member is either married now or was previously married.

Married people are very good at projecting a happy outward appearance. Married people seem talented at hiding their problems. I will admit that my perspective is skewed because my married friends and acquaintances have been spending less time with me, which makes it easier for them to hide problems. When I see their social media updates on Facebook/Instagram, things look good. Married men are very good at starving their friendships with men who are unattached or marginally attached (tendency to have shorter relationships). Married men, when they socialize, tend to socialize with other married men. Even that is somewhat rare as a lot of married couples tend to be self absorbed with the details of their own existences.

One of my male friends mentioned one time multiple years into his non-marital relationship that the relationship had peaked a while ago and was trending downwards. Even with that going on, he eventually proposed to her. I don't understand why a man would openly acknowledge that his relationship was trending downwards and then propose marriage.

My local area social circle mostly got married between 2016-2020, though there are instances of straggler couples in my social sphere that have gotten married in 2021-2022. I'm not that close with that stragglers. If you consider the 2016-2020 marriages in my social sphere, they are still reasonably new couples. They had their newlywed energy for a few years and now many of them are moving into the baby producing cycle for a jolt of newness in their relationships. I made a thread about this recently....


There will come a time when these 2016-2020 marriages from my social circle start to fail. Marriages (and even non-marital romantic relationships) have a way of lasting longer than outsiders can imagine.

There are multiple marriages in my social circle that don't seem to make a lot of sense. One such marriage involves an acquaintance couple. I've barely interacted with them. The guy looks like a dweeb and the woman is borderline cute/hot. In terms of looks alone, she's at least 2.5 points higher than he is on a looks alone rating scale. At least 1 of the following 3 reasons applies to their relationship and would help explain why they are together.
  • He is rich
  • He has a big penis
  • She is a hotwife who is permitted to have sex with other men
I have some friends from previous cities where I lived and similarly aged male relatives who got married in the early 2010s. These marriages didn't last until the end of the 2010s. In all of these cases, I knew on the wedding day that all 3 of these marriages were bad ideas. I was surprised some of them lasted as long as they did.
 

Machine10033

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At least 1 of the following 3 reasons applies to their relationship and would help explain why they are together.
  • He is rich
  • He has a big penis
  • She is a hotwife who is permitted to have sex with other men
My one Buddy is pretty obese... but his family owns a multi million dollar company. He married a blonde who was probably 5 points higher on the scale than him. We were on vacation once and she was drunk and told me that she told him she wants to cuck him... and he was into it....

One of my fiancé’s friends just got married two years ago. The dude is rich.. but always annoyed me... she was venting to us that she thinks he might be bi.... has a drinking problem.... and she’s started sleeping with other people because she needs to be happy....

I don’t see this trend improving.. females and young men need that dopamine hit way more frequently than I ever did...or my age group. Being in a stable... “boring” relationship isn’t exciting enough.
 

BeExcellent

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Advice from the old lady:

I actually know at least a dozen married couples who really are happy. You can tell by the way they interact with one another and they truly remain cute over each other. In fact the more I think about it I may know more happy couples than that…couples that have been together for decades and still are INTO one another.

But my background lends itself to that. Men in my family were expected to lead and be masculine & ambitious; women were expected to be ladies (feminine, elegant and demure.). Similarly I grew up in an affluent area where achievements were expected & women want to be with high achievers. And the women appreciate both the masculinity and the ambition, and do NOT compete with it, but rather encourage & support it. I could cite example after example.

Even after leaving the area where I grew up those things were important to me so I naturally gravitated to social circles where the correct masculine/feminine polarity was important. So much so I’m fact that as my first marriage flipped on it’s head (me the breadwinner, him the house spouse), we found ourselves socially ostracized. So now it is lovely to be with someone who leads and is a decision maker, ambitious and decisive in addition to being masculine….I’m very happy. And because I appreciate him for these things he deeply appreciates me. He’s never had a girl like me. I think this dynamic is what is supposed to be….

But I realize lots of men never find it. And I agree it often has to do with a man failing to lead.
 

Hal9000

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Plenty of married people are unhappy as are plenty of unmarried people. Believe it or not many people go through their entire lives unhappily because they aren't happy with themselves or their lot in life. Of course if they are married it can end up being blamed on their partner or the institution of marriage in general.
 

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RangerMIke

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"Happiness" is over rated. Show me someone that radiates perpetual joy, and I'll show you an idiot.

Seriously, with all the horrible BS that happens every day in my city, you would have to be a complete moron if you were this silly optimist all the time.

As far as marriage is concerned. I know quite a few married couples that are 'content', which is the best you can hope for past 5 years. Most married couples I know just stick it out because they know things would be worst if they didn't. They have kids in common, tied together financially, sex for them really isn't a passionate love experience: it's just having needs fulfilled like you go to the bathroom or eat. They both like having someone there when they get home. They have shared interests and it seems to work. There is nothing wrong with this... it is actually pretty normal.

The expectation of 'marriage' is WAYYYYY too high. What is going sideways with society is fvcking social media, where women are comparing themselves with hundreds of other women posting all the 'fun' they are having... all the trips they take... happy, happy, happy... It's all bvllsh1t. What you don't see is that these women are up to their @sses in debt... the periodic depression... all the BS backstabbing they get from their girlfriends. Here are a couple of things I have learned over the last 7 years:

(1) The more a woman posts on social media, the more REALLY unhappy she is. It's not 100% but it's a pretty high percentage.
(2) It creates insecurity where your 'virtual' life intrudes on your 'real' life.
(3) Creates unrealistic expectations of your partner.
(4) Over reliance on validation from your social media friends. I have actually seen women who will post pictures of their husband on some exotic vacation... they are having a great time... but when they check their social media feed and notice they didn't get as much validation from people... suddenly they are no longer happy with their experience.
 

pipeman84

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As far as marriage is concerned. I know quite a few married couples that are 'content', which is the best you can hope for past 5 years. Most married couples I know just stick it out because they know things would be worst if they didn't. They have kids in common, tied together financially, sex for them really isn't a passionate love experience: it's just having needs fulfilled like you go to the bathroom or eat. They both like having someone there when they get home. They have shared interests and it seems to work. There is nothing wrong with this... it is actually pretty normal.
Just because most couples we see around or know about are mediocre doesn't mean that's what we should shoot for, or consider it to be normal. Most people I see around look like shyt, out of shape, low energy, prematurely aged. So if these people don't have a healthy relationship with their own bodies and minds, how can one expect they can form a healthy relationship with another person (marriage)? :rolleyes:
 

RangerMIke

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Just because most couples we see around or know about are mediocre doesn't mean that's what we should shoot for, or consider it to be normal. Most people I see around look like shyt, out of shape, low energy, prematurely aged. So if these people don't have a healthy relationship with their own bodies and minds, how can one expect they can form a healthy relationship with another person (marriage)? :rolleyes:
There are three kinds of people: pessimists, optimists, and realists. I am a realist. I do believe a successful marriage is possible, but I will never be successful in another marriage unless I find a woman that is willing to work HARD to keep me, she has to check all the boxes... no emotional damage, no dysfunctional family, self-reliant, loyal, physically fit, and mostly pleasant and fun to be around. FYI... this is almost impossible to find. To be fair, I'm not a great 'catch' either, I work too hard, somewhat obsessive about monetary success, not particularly loyal, too many female 'friends', any free time I have I like to spend with my kids, it's really hard for me to give the women I date the kind of attention they need. I am not good relationship material.

I do agree with you that the best chance a couple has to have a successful marriage is if BOTH partners bust their @sses to be the best versions of themselves possible. Mutual respect is also important. Finally, appreciate what you have... again BOTH have to do this.

If you have only one partner doing this, it will never last. Lack of effort = disinterest.
 

SW15

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As far as marriage is concerned. I know quite a few married couples that are 'content', which is the best you can hope for past 5 years.
In many posts, I have mentioned why I believe romantic relationships have a 5 year shelf life of goodness. When you are discussing a marriage that hits 5 years, you're really talking about a relationship that is 7-9 years long typically. That's the Seven Year Itch phenomenon.

An LTR can be given a jolt of new life when the marriage happens. Caleb Jones (aka Blackdragon) calls this 'Getting Married NRE'. NRE stands for New Relationship Energy. The definition of NRE is below.

NRE – New Relationship Energy. The temporary, short-lasting, overwhelming feeling of joy one experiences when first dating a new person, usually not lasting longer than several months (though it can be artificially extended out to a year or so if people get married or have a baby together). Often referred to as the “honeymoon period,” NRE is likely to be the most powerful positive emotion a human being can feel, stronger even than love, but it is extremely temporary. NRE often leads to poor decision-making and oneitis, and is the cause of many divorces, breakups, and drama.

According to Jones, 'Getting Married NRE' causes a "temporary, artificial resurgence" in the feelings of when the initial relationship was brand new.


Due to the wedding and honeymoon period, you have couples that have been together 2-4 years (or even longer), replicating the initial feelings of the first 6 months of the relationship.

After the 'Getting Married NRE' dissipates, a lot of couples will re-create NRE by having a baby.

These temporary, artificial resurgences often serve as postponents of the ultimate reality that the relationship will fail to some degree.

It's improtant to realize that there's about an 80% chance of AT LEAST one of the following 3 things happening over the lifespan of a marriage...
  • Divorce
  • Affair
  • Long periods of a mediocre to subpar dynamic where the relationship just continues on based on inertia/societal pressure. The passion is gone.
All 3 of those occurrences represent a marital failure. The marital relationships that fail more officially with a divorce are the obvious ones. What about the less obvious ones? There are some marriages where one or both of the partners have affairs and the couple stays together. To the outside world, the affair won't always be known. The same goes for the 3rd bulletpoint. The 3rd bulletpoint leads into the next quote very well.

Most married couples I know just stick it out because they know things would be worst if they didn't. They have kids in common, tied together financially, sex for them really isn't a passionate love experience: it's just having needs fulfilled like you go to the bathroom or eat. They both like having someone there when they get home. They have shared interests and it seems to work. There is nothing wrong with this... it is actually pretty normal.
Long periods of a mediocre to subpar dynamic where the relationship just continues on based on inertia/societal pressure are bad. Having kids together is a reason that a lot of couples stay together. Couples will stick it out for the sake of the kids for some amount of time. In the past, sometimes they'd stick it out until all the kids were 18, but that occurrence is getting less and less common. More commonly, a marriage is essentially dead while the the kids are pre-school/early elementary age and they happen to stick it out an extra 2-3 years until possibly the oldest is around 6th/7th grade.

Men tend to want to stick it out more than women because of the consequences of going through the family court system. Men generally get fuccked over in the family court system. If a man doesn't want to pay alimony/child support and wants to see his kids more than part time, he might be inclined to stick it out. Women are less inclined to stick it out because family court benefits them. They get to "dump the bastard" and start over with some financial prizes in a lot of cases. When they "dump the bastard", their female friends/acquaintances congratulate them with the "You Go Girl!!" mantra, as do their family members. Women like this positive attention.

The expectation of 'marriage' is WAYYYYY too high. What is going sideways with society is fvcking social media, where women are comparing themselves with hundreds of other women posting all the 'fun' they are having... all the trips they take... happy, happy, happy... It's all bvllsh1t. What you don't see is that these women are up to their @sses in debt... the periodic depression... all the BS backstabbing they get from their girlfriends.
All of this is true.
 

soulforge

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The reason most relationships are unhappy is because they both have disagreeable personalities. You need the woman to ideally have an agreeable personality so not to cause conflicts in the decision making (which allows the man to take the lead).
Masculine Woman
 
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