How Do You Show Her You Care While Still Giving Her the Freedom to Walk Away?

[jhonny9546]

Hey guys, she knows you're focused on your life goals, you're a man with frame, and, at the beginning of your LTR, that you said to her that "If she's not okay with the relationship, that's the door, and she can walk out whenever she wants, but she can never come back once she is out."

So she will start to understand who you are and respect/admire you, and follow that advice, but... she still could say things like, "I don't feel like you care about me" or "you care too little" just because she's want to do a little test, everynow and then.

So it makes you feel uncomfortable between your independence, and the fact that you could get by without her, and the fact that now you have to show her that you care, or give her an answer to that statement.

How do you show her that you care and at the same time give her the freedom to walk out the door when she doesn't want to be with you anymore?
Do you consider this test as a lack of attraction or too low an attraction on the part of the woman?

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Are you trying to program a robot with the perfect response for every situation or something? Or some sort of AI chatbot?

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Don't be aloof all the time OP, be a sweetheart to her every now and then. But make sure you are more aloof the majority of the time.

I also think you're looking at this wrong. If you have the mindset of permanently closing the door it will be harder to hold the level of vulnerability on your part needed to maintain her romantic interest. If there isn't some level of deep friendship there, the kind that transcends relationship status, she will likely see you as being too cold and won't be convinced you care enough. At the same time you can more easily give her her freedom if there is an element of platonic love.

 

[obelisk]

OP your posts seem to get caught up in perfectionism and trying to find the perfect formula so you can avoid rejection and pain. Focus more on being an authentic positive growth version of you and give your focus to women actually displaying high levels of interest. You get lost in rehashing the same details over and over. You'll never fully eliminate risk. It's part of the human condition.

 

[jhonny9546]

If you have the mindset of permanently closing the door, it will be harder to maintain the level of vulnerability needed to maintain her romantic interest. If there isn't some level of deep friendship there, the kind that transcends relationship status, she will likely see you as too cold and won't be convinced you care enough. At the same time, you can more easily give her her freedom if there is an element of platonic love.

Okay, so when they say "show her the door."
I don't understand. In that case, when you say those words, it's because she's simply done something you think you don't want from a woman, so why would you consider keeping it open? In this case, you close it and move on.

Instead, you say to keep it open, try, wait for her to do something... etc.
Aren't you in her frame now?

A relationship like that would have constant testing.

Think about it.
Your 3 year LTR emotionally detach. She want a "pause" (so she can "try" the other guy she keep in orbit).
At that point, you're still togheter, . So She still be with you, but just because the other man doesn't make a move.
What are you going to do as a man? You keep the door open or you "show her the door" and close it forever?

You'll never fully eliminate risk. It's part of the human condition.

Because of that, you must have a response to that, you would strictly follow.
You can be disrespected by a woman, but as a man, you must know how to act toward that.

Consider, If I'm here asking, this means you guys have good advice.
So I'm genuinely curious how you guys would do it @BillyPilgrim @obelisk

 

[Gamisch]

Its conundrum by default innit?

It's like every gamble you'll ever do; you able win or lose some and then decide whether you wanna continue or not , win or lose. The more you've invested, the more you'll try to get back or maintain your investment.

And tbh, there's a clear point where you CAN'T "just" give her the freedom to walk like she is nothing. Kids, cohabitation, business together, married without a prenup while yiu actually git shyte to your name, just to name a few. All scenarios that make it impossible to tell her to "just walk away".

The ONLY way to pull this of is by keeping a woman at arm length;
- you dont want kids with her
- you dont wanna live together
- you dont mind spending money on her. ( all the money you do spent is written of as " entertainment spendings")..

 

[quodlibet]

C'mon, you never tell someone "you can go anytime" or anything to that effect. You also never claim not to care.

If she says you don't care, of course you say you care and offer backup evidence.

A guy who pretends not to care is such a wanabe douchebag.

If she's your girlfriend and wants to break up, the best reply is "I completely disagree with your decision, I think we're good for each other. But I understand if this relationship is no longer best for you". And that's it. You dont' fight further.

 

[The Duke]

Hey guys, she knows you're focused on your life goals, you're a man with frame, and, at the beginning of your LTR, that you said to her that "If she's not okay with the relationship, that's the door, and she can walk out whenever she wants, but she can never come back once she is out."

So she will start to understand who you are and respect/admire you, and follow that advice, but... she still could say things like, "I don't feel like you care about me" or "you care too little" just because she's want to do a little test, everynow and then.

So it makes you feel uncomfortable between your independence, and the fact that you could get by without her, and the fact that now you have to show her that you care, or give her an answer to that statement.

How do you show her that you care and at the same time give her the freedom to walk out the door when she doesn't want to be with you anymore?
Do you consider this test as a lack of attraction or too low an attraction on the part of the woman?

They are going to say and do all sorts of things regardless. You set things up how you want them to be. You define the relationship on your terms. You decide whats allowed and whats not. If she doesn't like it she can leave at any time, and you can replace her with another one. Yep its that simple. When you are a desired man, you have options.

Sure, they all make us uncomfortable at times. Most of that is static. Learn to not let it bother you so much. Be the giant rock on the shoreline, not the wave(woman). Never trust a person 100% that first doesn't trust themselves 100%. Most women still go thru toddler phases. Just let them.

You think way too much about this stuff. Thats what women do.

 

[Barrister]

Women not only can say these things, but eventually they will say these things. The best women will give you a good to great LTR probably over a 5-10 year time-frame. After that point, if you aren't giving her everything she feels like she "deserves" then relationship decadence begins to set in. Sometimes, this period can last indefinitely and you probably know plenty of married couples who are together with no major problems but who simply co-exist as roommates. Not much better in my mind. However, this is probably best case scenario. Most women will begin sh1t testing in an LTR long before the 5 year mark hits.

Your only choice as a man is to stick to your guns and keep her around in spite of it or simply dump her and move onto the next with something fresh with renewed vigor.

 

[BaronOfHair]

@jhonny9546 "she still could say things like, "I don't feel like you care about me" or "you care too little" just because she's want to do a little test, everynow and then"

As a man, retort to such jibes with words to the effect of:

"Since discovering footage on Por-hub of you on stage with that donkey in Tijuana last June, when you were allegedly on a business trip, it's become much tougher to see you as my sweet, pristine empress"

 

[Prepostereax]

You didn't actually verbalise this, did you?

at the beginning of your LTR, that you said to her that "If she's not okay with the relationship, that's the door, and she can walk out whenever she wants, but she can never come back once she is out."

I mean, you can have that as your parameters, without having to state it

but should you actually have to say it out loud, your relationship is on borrowed time.

it's only gonna last as long as it takes for her to test those boundaries.

Then you must stick by your guns.

 

[Bigpapa]

it's only gonna last as long as it takes for her to test those boundaries.

Then you must stick by your guns.

And women will test your boundaries, not because they are malicious but because they want to see that you care. Especially if for some reason you do not show her from time to time that you like her

but if you react in a needy / low value way she will loose respect, if you react in a high value way her attraction will remain or increase

the OP way of viewing things “ my way or the highway “ will only crash dynamics sooner or later

 

[jhonny9546]

You set things up how you want them to be. You define the relationship on your terms. You decide what's allowed and what's not

This is exactly the point of the post.
It's like giving her the keys to a door, and telling her never to open it, otherwise the relationship will be over.
If he does it, even just as a joke, he's out.
Why shouldn't it be?

 

[jhonny9546]

The best women will give you a good to great LTR probably over a 5-10 year time-frame

Solid truth, but there might be exceptions along the way.
Some women heal their souls. They're like us in their self improvment journey.
If you find one like that, and she's honest with you, you might have find a) a good woman, b) a friend for life because essentially your both respect yourself to a deeper level.

This is something you can sense with a platonic female friend if you ever had one.

 

[jhonny9546]

I mean, you can have that as your parameters, without having to state it

but should you actually have to say it out loud, your relationship is on borrowed time.

You and this woman have an exclusive level of intimacy no one will ever experience with you both.
You have to verbalize that.
It's your role.
And it's her role to understand that.

it's only gonna last as long as it takes for her to test those boundaries.

Then you must stick by your guns.

If she does, she's out.
You're telling a kid to not jump on the bed or it will broke.
So if the kid do that again, the kid will be punished in a way.
A kid is your son, you can't leave, but she is your best friend, so she must not do that to her best friend

 

[jhonny9546]

but if you react in a needy / low value way she will loose respect, if you react in a high value way her attraction will remain or increase

the OP way of viewing things “ my way or the highway “ will only crash dynamics sooner or later

Yes it may seem rude, but I genuinelly think my way of doing things is not on the needy slider, but instead, on the highest point of the value one.