How do I get unattached, help.

casanova

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The gist of the story is that we have been dating 8 months, and I feel like she doesn't show my worth to me the way I expect her too. She doesn't show much attention and we fought about this yesterday and she said I was right and that it's her character. She told me that she was holding herself to get attached to me because she doesn't want to get hurt like in her previous relationship. It has always been like this and yesterday she told me she will try to change, and I am leaving to London in 5 months for University, so we will barely see each other (only when I visit). What do I do guys? I either want her to get attached or I want to lower my feelings for her because most of the time I end up being upset.

Help a brother out.
 

LiveYourDream

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You are expecting an emotional female, with known attachment issues, to become more attached to you, when she already knows you are moving away in 5 months? Good Luck with that.

Seriously, when people show you who they are, pay attention. Do not expect them to become someone else. If she, on her own in 8 months, is not affectionate and caring the way you would prefer, she simply isn't the woman for you. Deal with her according to the facts present in reality, not according to your hopes and wishes, for who you want her to be.
 

Medina

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Sound like BS to me

Women tend to open up & seek your attention constantly when they're in love

Past relationships, stressful jobs, bereavements etc tend to just be excuses in the end

They will tear a whole into the earths crust if they REALLY like you

My guess is you are acting needy and this is causing her to close up & question your frame

You're talking about "feelings" when you should be a source of strength

You must give women the time and space to come to you
 

niceguytoalphamale

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@Medina correct! Op listen to his advice. He has the golden ticket to your worries. The only way you will lower your feelings is if something drastic happens, cheating, excessive lying, betrayal etc:
 

Crown

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There's a simple rule in the dating scene: "The person that cares least about the other one, rules the relationship".

I think you're trying too hard to please her and expect she gives that attention back, but since she doesn't, you're pissed.
In my opinion you should down grade her from Gf to simple plate, because there are 0 chances she won't cheat on you while you'll be away for 5 months.
 

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soulforge

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She don't care about you that much Bruv..

Your acting needy and almost begging her to care for you.. Her Vagina will dry up quick time if you carry on like this.

This woman isn't able to give you what you need to fulfil your life.

As others have said, low interest woman WILL eventually burn you.. And replace you.

I would downgrade to plate.. Maybe that may increase her interest.. Otherwise this is a lost cause.
 

RangerMIke

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When you aren't getting what you want from a chick, dump her. If she likes you, then she'll come around, meanwhile while the OP is agonizing over a chick that doesn't really care about him, he is missing out on chicks that might be right for him.
 

LiveYourDream

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I think it would serve you best to walk away from her now. She is never going to be the woman you want. Face it. Ending it now will also give you time and space, to get over her and the relationship, before you head off to University. It will give you the opportunity to see other women before you go as well. You don't want to show up to University all messed up in the head still. I suggest you call it now and start moving forward. I think it will put you in the best frame of mind for a fresh new start, when you arrive at University. There will be young women everywhere and you will be ready for them.
 

Amante Silvestre

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I think it would serve you best to walk away from her now. She is never going to be the woman you want. Face it. Ending it now will also give you time and space, to get over her and the relationship, before you head off to University. It will give you the opportunity to see other women before you go as well. You don't want to show up to University all messed up in the head still. I suggest you call it now and start moving forward. I think it will put you in the best frame of mind for a fresh new start, when you arrive at University. There will be young women everywhere and you will be ready for them.

^^ This.

OP, you will soon be going to a place where there will be many attractive women finally out from underneath the watchful and critical eyes of their mothers and fathers.

They will feel a newfound freedom. They will be wild, adventurous and sexually explorative experimentalists. Throw in some tequila and you’re primed to pull off some of the most wild affairs with women you may ever experience in life.

Do you really want to sit and mope in an environment like that, passing over great opportunities so you can pine over some girl back home who isn’t texting you enough and seems distant while you’re away? Seems distant when you return home for a visit? Seems shady and makes you question things because she doesn’t make you feel loved, admired or appreciated?

Fvck that.

You’re setting yourself up for some major heartache.

Get your game face on and get ready for Uni.
 

DEEZEDBRAH

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The gist of the story is that we have been dating 8 months, and I feel like she doesn't show my worth to me the way I expect her too. She doesn't show much attention and we fought about this yesterday and she said I was right and that it's her character. She told me that she was holding herself to get attached to me because she doesn't want to get hurt like in her previous relationship. It has always been like this and yesterday she told me she will try to change, and I am leaving to London in 5 months for University, so we will barely see each other (only when I visit). What do I do guys? I either want her to get attached or I want to lower my feelings for her because most of the time I end up being upset.

Help a brother out.
Disassociate from who you were. Become who you are meant to be.

I can like or love a woman but, the prerequisites of her do not change. Any breach of boundaries or even testing said boundaries are grounds for dismissal.

What is the point of a LTR with a woman who lacks what you want?
 

Glassguy

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The gist of the story is that we have been dating 8 months, and I feel like she doesn't show my worth to me the way I expect her too. She doesn't show much attention and we fought about this yesterday and she said I was right and that it's her character. She told me that she was holding herself to get attached to me because she doesn't want to get hurt like in her previous relationship. It has always been like this and yesterday she told me she will try to change, and I am leaving to London in 5 months for University, so we will barely see each other (only when I visit). What do I do guys? I either want her to get attached or I want to lower my feelings for her because most of the time I end up being upset.

Help a brother out.
You are acting like the female in the relationship. Fighting with her because she isnt showing you your worth? Really?

Dont want to get attached?

You are doing the things that a woman should do. Picking fights, chasing/pushing a relationship, etc.

You need to get your T checked my man.

She says she doesnt want to get attached because she doesnt see you as a long term partner. After 8 months she should be giving you the ultimatum of progressing in the relationship or letting her date others. Instead you are dealing with a mildly interested woman who doesnt want a relationship with YOU. Its the aftermath of how you have failed to lead and make a woman chase by having an ABUNDANCE MINDSET and OPTIONS the last 8 months.
 

Chev.Chelios

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lol, the advice here is getting stupider and stupider.

the question is how to become unattached from girls.

the solution to your problems is to stop getting attached to people.

attachments are disrespectful in general.
creepiness, stalking, obsessesing, controlling, addiction, jealously, lost and lonliness, weird and fvcked up behavior that serves no purpose too you then to fvck things up.

quit getting attached to people and especially girls that are attractive.

if you're meeting and falling for girls that say they don't want to get hurt again because of what their ex did theyre basicley saying blatantly that they have emotional issues and can't ever be trusted to be taken seriously, it's her fault for being an idiot and getting involved with a guy that hurt her. completely her fault, nor yours. and it's 100%forsure that in the future shell just keep finding guys that will hurt her and WILL 100% discard guys that will actually be nice to her and who make good boyfriends, her eyes will glaze ober, and WILL only pine and btch about the degenerate guys that are mean to her. think about that.

rather find girls that don't have that issue. find girls that love and appreciate their friends and who don't hold a victim complex whenever someone was mean to them.

find girls who are happy and who don't resonate and seek pain. their out there, rare but they are.

I've been seeing a chick for a few months that's probably the chillest gal I've ever met, finaly. shes cute, talks good about her past relationships, doesn't complain or btch about random non sense, doest tell "poor me" or "fvck him" stories.. she doesn't drink or do drugs ($$)

if I talk to or bang other girls she doesn't care, aka she doesn't try and burn my house down fvck up my car and try to get me killed and tell everyone how much i hurt her and how she's so victimized wah wah wah..
she simply doesn't do those things and she can actually be a nice person and doesn't pull this weird sappy emotional bullchit every 2 days.

so tldr, find better girls, just because she's attractive doesn't mean she's smart.

if you're finding yourself crying and feeling hopeless and lost cutting things off and getting over here for months after then you have the same problem she has and need to learn and better yourself. because the mentality you have right now is robbing your life of happiness and the real happy and cool people won't want anything to do with you.

<3
 

oldmanofthesea

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if you're meeting and falling for girls that say they don't want to get hurt again because of what their ex did theyre basicley saying blatantly that they have emotional issues and can't ever be trusted to be taken seriously, it's her fault for being an idiot and getting involved with a guy that hurt her. completely her fault, nor yours. and it's 100%forsure that in the future shell just keep finding guys that will hurt her and WILL 100% discard guys that will actually be nice to her and who make good boyfriends, her eyes will glaze ober, and WILL only pine and btch about the degenerate guys that are mean to her. think about that.
This is so very true and I've seen it before many times. This should be added to a sticky thread somewhere.

You can also infer this type of woman based on her actions and behaviors if she doesn't happen to use her words as overtly to say "I don't want to get hurt again" etc. Every girl I've dated who has told me about an emotionally abusive ex, or a really bad childhood, has done one or a combination of the following:
  • Played a lot of hot-cold
  • Wouldn't sleep with me by the 4th-5th date (inhibited)
  • Love bombed me (told me they loved me by the 3rd or 4th week)
  • Went from "I love you" to "this is moving too fast" within a couple weeks, and no specific incident spurring it
  • And lastly, it might manifest itself as losing interest in you after the first or second date - just not "feeling it" because they know you aren't going to beat them, stalk them, or control them.
As Chev said, these women are stuck in a circular pattern of looking specifically for nice guys, loving them for a minute but then either becoming fearful of attachment or just not being able to become attached at all, and then going for someone who treats them exactly like their ex. Repeat.
 

Alvafe

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like most already said

less feelings more smashing, work like hulk here less talking more smashing.

now to overcome the oneitis, that will depend on how well you can control your mind, and how well you can trick yourself to belive in anything you want, one thing I learned is you can control your mind, what you can do is simple concentrate on her bad behavior and annoyance she is, its like most people do when they end with someone or can't have something so they lower said thing or person value, over stating the bad of such thing. and most of all distance yourself
 

Amante Silvestre

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lol, the advice here is getting stupider and stupider.
This, I agree with.

the solution to your problems is to stop getting attached to people.
This, I don't.


I have never been the type of man who has willingly dulled or forbid myself from emotional or physical attachments with a woman. With some women, for example, I have experienced a sexual chemistry that has brought with it moments of elation during climax that were uniquely passionate, uniquely blissful, with a level of depth and chemistry that I seldom have with women in general. I allow myself to embrace these good moments that sometimes requires a level of vulnerability to achieve.

It is not attachment itself that is a problem, IMO.

The problem is the value we place on these experiences and the extent of BS we will put up with in exchange for them.

Some men are willing to tolerate far more than others. A man who is willing to tolerate the most for the least in return is not a man with an attachment problem. This is man who has a problem with the value and worth of any attachment he develops.

The solution is not to free yourself of all attachment. It is to properly assess them and to know when it is appropriate to detach.

No matter what level of sexual, emotional or what other chemistry and attachment I might find and develop with a woman, I also will not hesitate to cut these attachments free if I do not feel the conditions are suitable enough for me to endure the exchange.

The OPs issue is with expectations and worth. Not the degree to which he embraces a woman.
 
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GrowingPains

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Haven't watched this one yet but the title seemed relevant so here you go.

 

Trump

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The gist of the story is that we have been dating 8 months, and I feel like she doesn't show my worth to me the way I expect her too.
She doesn't show much attention and we fought about this yesterday and she said I was right and that it's her character. She told me that she was holding herself to get attached to me because she doesn't want to get hurt like in her previous relationship. It has always been like this and yesterday she told me she will try to change, and I am leaving to London in 5 months for University, so we will barely see each other (only when I visit). What do I do guys? I either want her to get attached or I want to lower my feelings for her because most of the time I end up being upset.

Help a brother out.
“Rebecca, you are not showing me my worth the way I want you too.”
“How do you want me to?”
“You know, shower me with attention, love me, act like you are very lucky I’m giving you my time, attention and the gift of my sex.”
“OK, well why should I do this?”
”Because it feels good. You don’t show me much attention. I need attention and love. My male ego needs to be fed like a Movie Star.”
“Well Casanova you are very sexy and Im dying to give into my Basic Instincts to get the gift of your sex, but Im holding myself to fall in love with you because I got hurt in my previous relationship. I’ll try to change.”
‘Well hurry up. I’m leaving for London in 180 days. You have 5 months to get attached to me or I’m going to be upset.”


Not sure bro.
 

Chev.Chelios

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@Trump what? lol

@amante
never said to dull yourself or become a robot.
the paradox is when you let go of attachments to people or things and live in abundance you will have the most genuine and fulfilling relationships imaginable, I've had the best relationships of my life these past few month's, but I'm not crying or getting emotionally shattered if someone doesn't like or want to be in a relationship me anymore

the end game to women and pickup is coming to a place where you never even think about it. theyre there just because abundance, some real Zen type chit.

lot of people will disagree and pick apart everything I say but my game is better then theirs and I don't get heartbroken and get laid tons more while they don't lololol
 

Chev.Chelios

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This is so very true and I've seen it before many times. This should be added to a sticky thread somewhere.

You can also infer this type of woman based on her actions and behaviors if she doesn't happen to use her words as overtly to say "I don't want to get hurt again" etc. Every girl I've dated who has told me about an emotionally abusive ex, or a really bad childhood, has done one or a combination of the following:
  • Played a lot of hot-cold
  • Wouldn't sleep with me by the 4th-5th date (inhibited)
  • Love bombed me (told me they loved me by the 3rd or 4th week)
  • Went from "I love you" to "this is moving too fast" within a couple weeks, and no specific incident spurring it
  • And lastly, it might manifest itself as losing interest in you after the first or second date - just not "feeling it" because they know you aren't going to beat them, stalk them, or control them.
As Chev said, these women are stuck in a circular pattern of looking specifically for nice guys, loving them for a minute but then either becoming fearful of attachment or just not being able to become attached at all, and then going for someone who treats them exactly like their ex. Repeat.
omg somebody who understands lololol

if the guys who are having trouble getting into these vicious oneitus cycles over and and over again can get a hang of this logic you will virtually never have to deal with pain with women ever again. hell even guy friends to lol

kindhearted and beautiful gals simply don't like to hurt people. you will never have minimal issues with these girls. but like i said they are hard to find, especially if you have emotional issues of your own, you yourself won't be able to resonate with good people if you're carrying victim mentality trauma energy and only seek out traumatic situations yourself, so beware of that.


at this point in my game, when i see any girl with emotional issues I pass them by as if I'm walking past a homeless guy on the street yelling obscenities and begging for change. all I have is pity for them :/
 

Amante Silvestre

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@amante
never said to dull yourself or become a robot.
The problem is that this is precisely how many guys with this sort of problem will interpret that advice: to become unattached and cold, most especially when it is stated, as you did, to avoid attachment to begin with.

As I previously stated, the OPs issue is not with avoiding attachment, but in knowing how and when it is healthy for a man to detach.

When you say you have good experiences with women but do not sit and cry over it when that changes, it is because you know how and when to detach.

This is something the OP is having difficulty with.

There is an old saying...if you love something set it free... it very much applies here.

The OP simply has a low threshold on what qualifies as something he “loves”, and so he will tolerate more BS due to the higher value he places upon it and will not “set it free” when it is actually appropriate for healthier thinking people do so. The neglect he receives must therefor become far more extreme, it must exceed the value he places upon it (which is already inflated beyond its actual value) in order for him to finally reach that point of letting go.

In essence, it is not the extent to which we develop attachments to women that is really our problem as men. It is the strength to which we are capable of detaching ourselves in healthy ways.

I have developed so many strong attachments with women that, even after we part ways, these women never truly let go entirely and move on never to be heard from again. They reach out now and then, offer to meet for drinks now and then... all because they remember and perhaps miss the bonds and attachments we shared before.

A man who does not know how to attach and detach in a healthy manner usually ends up in a situation where things have to be so bad for a detachment to actually occur that the bitterness, anger, regrets or grudges will often last a lifetime for both people involved.

This is the difference between a DJ who can call upon an old plate or GF for a drink... and a man who angrily complains about women in forums like these.
 
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