How Can I Get my Ex-Girlfriend Back (HELP!)

[HeyPachuco!]

Long time poster here, so won't go into much details about myself, but I found myself in a relationship at the middle to last of 2011 with a great, non-conforming, intelligent and sassy girl, who is also a professional musician.

Without longing out the issue here, I'll try as much brevity as possible.

First Breakup:
We broke up during the mid-summer of this year, which was our official breakup. It was due to a build up of her low self-esteem/my indifference/anger and attitude towards her got overwhelming for her and she broke down. Basically, I was with a pickup company (won't name names) for a few months, which warranted that I had to pursue certain aims with women.

I'd usually, and for no reason sometimes, just take my anger out on her if I had a bad night or something. She would always get a taxi to my house the night after or on a whim (literally) in the middle of the night. Now back then, I said some pretty harsh things to her, which were to do with women, other women calling her phone by accident, texting, flirting, etc.

However we reconciled, on my terms and got back together again.

Present Breakup:
4 months down the line - Now we have broken up again, this time because of what I've said. I had a bad night again, was pretty drunk and she didn't call me back straight away on this particular night. I berated her harshly, her friend had to come on the phone for her, because she was in tears, but I put the phone down like a brute - I told her not to ring me again and other harsh things were said. I didn't hear from her for the rest of the night, and then got a text the next day from her proposing a break (or "breather" in the text).

I got vexed by this and told her to come and pick her stuff up, or I was willing to drop it off at hers. Now, let me explain, I had no malicious feelings on why I said this.

I just wanted to maintain the upper-hand I had so selfishly had for the year and 5 months we were together to continue. She eventually got a taxi to mine, in tears and she poured her heart out. I pretended to not feel anything for her.

She told me she wanted to leave and go back to her own house, to sleep so she can get her mind around things.

I replied and told her, that if she left, then "we're done" and it's "over" and she'll never ever see me again. She welled up, called her taxi and left with her luggage. The next day she sent me a text saying, "isnt really over...I'm willing to compromise?", I sent back a text saying "Compromise what......you wanted a break, i'll be gone by tomorrow anyway".

I didn't hear from her for the next 3-4 days, when I eventually gave-in and called her she sounded really numb and jaded. After about an hour of trying to reconcile with her, I asked her what she wanted - she said: "I want to be alone.....just say goodbye", "we're not meant to be". And then I asked if she could forgive me, she said "No....goodluck with everything"

I told her that I didn't mean what I said, and that it wasn't malicious. She remained with her former answer.

Now I'm worried that she is gone forever too. I was a complete diiick to her, and I couldn't even see it. It's not that I couldn't see it, it's just that I had an inner-problem, and that was that I needed outside validation from the relationship with other women, I was doing pickup before she entered my life, and I just had certain goals and aims for it.

How can I reconcile with her? I feel like it's too late, but surely, if you really love someone, then they deserve forgiveness?

 

[pinkfl]

Honestly?

I feel like since this is the second breakup, it really isn't meant to work out. You can't just keep treating her poorly and then apologize and then expect her to keep putting up with it. If it were the first time that you two broke up I would say by all means go for it and try to make amends because sometimes people do things in the heat of the moment that they regret.

And while I agree with you, that if you really love someone you should forgive them, that much is true, but she can forgive you without wanting a relationship with you. From what you just posted, it sounds like you "pretended to feel nothing for her"...so why on earth should she put her heart on the line for someone that doesn't care about her?

It sounds like you really need to work on yourself. A relationship is two whole people coming together, not two parts. If you feel the need to be validated by attention from others, then it doesn't sound like this relationship with her is everything you need.

When you are in a relationship that you don't want to mess up, you wouldn't take a chance like that unless some part of you felt it was ok. Your actions have consequences and I think you're going to have to think about moving on. I get that what you did was out of anger, maybe now you will learn not to give people ultimatums when you are angry.

I'm sorry, and while what you did is not unforgivable, I can understand her not wanting to be with you any longer.

 

[ScottMustaine]

You don't deserve her.


Some of us here are crawling through knives to get a decent relationship. I passed through 12 this year with all crazy BPD cheating *****s.


You get a decent girl and you act like a crazy BPD *****.


Learn from your mistakes and move on, and stop being a ****face.

 

[JohnChops]

I'm not even going to read this but exs should remain exs, they dumped you or you dumped her for a reason. No need to go back to old flames. You've been here awhile come on you know the deal.

 

[Purefilth]

I'm not even going to read this but exs should remain exs, they dumped you or you dumped her for a reason. No need to go back to old flames. You've been here awhile come on you know the deal.

Johnchops stole the words outta my mouth. It's over. Forget about it, move on with your life.

 

[HeyPachuco!]

Honestly?

I feel like since this is the second breakup, it really isn't meant to work out. You can't just keep treating her poorly and then apologize and then expect her to keep putting up with it. If it were the first time that you two broke up I would say by all means go for it and try to make amends because sometimes people do things in the heat of the moment that they regret.

And while I agree with you, that if you really love someone you should forgive them, that much is true, but she can forgive you without wanting a relationship with you. From what you just posted, it sounds like you "pretended to feel nothing for her"...so why on earth should she put her heart on the line for someone that doesn't care about her?

It sounds like you really need to work on yourself. A relationship is two whole people coming together, not two parts. If you feel the need to be validated by attention from others, then it doesn't sound like this relationship with her is everything you need.

When you are in a relationship that you don't want to mess up, you wouldn't take a chance like that unless some part of you felt it was ok. Your actions have consequences and I think you're going to have to think about moving on. I get that what you did was out of anger, maybe now you will learn not to give people ultimatums when you are angry.

I'm sorry, and while what you did is not unforgivable, I can understand her not wanting to be with you any longer.

After much reflection, this is pretty much what has been happening.

I came here back in 2009, after a pretty bad breakup with my long-ago ex who I cried like a baby after. Was just completely invested in her and nothing else in my life, however now, in 2012, I invested in myself mostly and became extremely nonchalant (upper hand) about it, that I forgot to have a meaningful relationship. I went past the mark of overdoing it because of ego.

Though, I will take most f the blame, but why did she allow herself to build up resentment? Why did she allow herself to come to a point of no-return? I'm still uncertain about her definition of "love", whilst she used to tell me that her love for me was dangerous and that somebody could get hurt if she doesn't leave. Whatever that means, but it still doesn't make sense to me. There was never a time when she said "You know what Heypachuco, i can't take this anymore, either you change XYZ, or I'm leaving" -- Never. So ordinarily, I continued my onslaught because I was unaware -- And yes maybe being unaware it was affecting her deeply is questionable on my part, but It was never malicious.

 

[ScottMustaine]

The reason why she didn't go with resentment is because she didn't want to confront you about it. You know, she didn't want to make even greater **** out of it and lose you.

She pretty much liked you and you were treating her like ****, she kept believing it's temporary and that you will change, hoping for the best. Like many of us guys hope the girl who is making **** tests will stop doing it and give in into relationship.


Apologize, ask for a third chance, if she says she needs time, you shut the **** up and wait for answer. If she goes again into relationship, you're one lucky guy.

Then be really careful not to blow your chances up. And watch your damn ego, there's no ME in relationship, it's WE.


Of course you both should have own lives, but it's WE, so compromises must be made.

 

[ScottMustaine]

No no no. No apology. Weakness/AFC rears it's ugly head. Just become a better person. Always better to show women things instead of talk it out. Come on, we know this.

Oh yes, he should go alpha mode and tell her that she can't break up until he says so, and slap her. That will show how strong he is.



Seriously, tell her you feel bad about what you did, if you don't want to 'apologize'.

Hell, The Gambler said sorry to me ( he's 41 i'm 18) because I misunderstood and felt called out. Does that make him a weak beta afc male ?

Hell no, he just shown he is a human being, pointing out the differences we had in our mind and being diplomatic. Nothing beta there. Dude got my respect.


But yeah, go on, show how cool you are and perfect. We all make mistakes, simply acknowledge them and if you feel bad about what you've done say sorry.

Being "ALPHA/STRONG" was never about being God, it was about being the best person you can be, just not succumbing down because somebody wants to take control of you. It was not changing yourself so everyone would like you, it was about making your own personality.

It was about maxing out your true potential, and to do that, you have to go through trial and error. And that means showing your some empathy towards other people.


You don't have to tell her million times sorry, but hey, I see no other way than talking the way out to get in relationship, THEN showing you CHANGED and that you CARED .

 

[pinkfl]

While it's mature of you to take the blame, that's not all a healthy relationship is about. Taking responsibility for what you did wrong is only the first step. The next step is to work on the behavior and prevent it from happening again.

She's at the "point of no return" because you gave her the ultimatum and the cold shoulder. She's deeply hurt and she would rather be alone than hurt again by you.

If you want to try and make amends, you need to stop the bad behavior because she doesn't deserve it.

Call her and ask if she can meet with you to talk briefly. Then you go to her place and CALMLY apologize. Tell her that you recognize where you went wrong and that you want to try and make amends, and that you want this relationship to work out. You need to be HONEST with her.

And tell her that she needs to be honest with you, that if she recognizes something that she doesn't like, she needs to feel comfortable enough to tell you and not feel like you are going to storm out of the relationship or cut her off. (Because that's emotionally manipulative...your feelings and emotions are not the only ones that are valid. Her emotions are valid too, but it sounds like she's very much a giver and puts her emotions on hold to attend to your emotions. That's a very draining experience and I've been that girl)

Then I think you, personally, need to attend counseling or read a book or SOMETHING so you can recognize when you're about to act out. You need to stop playing the game because if you've already got the girl you love, then you don't need to play the game anymore. You shouldn't NEED that validation anymore.

 

[sylvester the cat]

Dudeski, you don't want your girlfriend back. You just think you do in order to satisfy your ego.

if you wanted her, you wouldn't have done what you did.

face facts, move on and live the life you want instead of the life you think you want to live.

 

[JohnChops]

You guys all need to relax on this alpha and beta sh1t. The issue is that your portraying these things to newbies who have no idea what they are doing. Then your telling them to be some skullfvcking alpha male with his d1ck out. Thats not right guys. Honestly grow the hell up and grow a pair of balls. You are so scared of doing something wrong therefore you overthink EVERYTHING. Thus you will fail. Your failure is because you are attached to a woman who is uninterested in you. Read that again. *YOU DIDNT READ IT AGAIN, FVCKING DO IT . MEMORIZE THIS LINE.

Your girlfriend does not find you interesting anymore for whatever reason. You broke up twice man and now YOU want HER back?! Are you fvcking serious . Please guys if there is anything we can teach a newbie is that you must be a man and stand your ground on low quality woman like this.

 

[HeyPachuco!]

You guys all need to relax on this alpha and beta sh1t. The issue is that your portraying these things to newbies who have no idea what they are doing. Then your telling them to be some skullfvcking alpha male with his d1ck out. Thats not right guys. Honestly grow the hell up and grow a pair of balls. You are so scared of doing something wrong therefore you overthink EVERYTHING. Thus you will fail. Your failure is because you are attached to a woman who is uninterested in you. Read that again. *YOU DIDNT READ IT AGAIN, FVCKING DO IT . MEMORIZE THIS LINE.

Your girlfriend does not find you interesting anymore for whatever reason. You broke up twice man and now YOU want HER back?! Are you fvcking serious . Please guys if there is anything we can teach a newbie is that you must be a man and stand your ground on low quality woman like this.

John,

While I see that you're trying to help things. I will agree with another poster, who also mentioned that you lack experience in this. You're only 19 dude.. No offence here atall.

It's not that my gf doesn't find me interesting anymore, it's just that I was emotionally abusive and said some really bitter things which questioned my loyalty, sincerity and authenticity towards her.

However, in regards to being a newbie. I'm not a newbie, not on here, or in person. I've been with loads of women (hired by Pickup company), so that part of me is handled.

In my case and alot of guys I see who get really good with women, get that attractive side of them handled, then roll up to a girl who actually gives a damn about them, does everything they want, challenges your relationship worth and you turn around and spit in her face, in actuality, you can clearly see, that you still haven't got everything handled as it seems.

I'm at a point where I've grown to really care/love this particular girl, I just found myself at the crossroads where my ego got the best of me.

 

[Alvafe]

I think he was really immature on that, well case here is simple, you can't keep the i'm sorry all time because that will remember what he did do it one time and move on.

what he can do is, control his behavior, never drink till you lose control, really saying it was drunk talk not you not work, the drunk says what you sober think that is all, respect her like you want to be respected,

for now wait and see what happens, you have 2 choices here save you and her from more of this and move on, or wait and see if you can keep together.

in anycase you still need to improve, you did mistakes now learn from then.

 

[HeyPachuco!]

While it's mature of you to take the blame, that's not all a healthy relationship is about. Taking responsibility for what you did wrong is only the first step. The next step is to work on the behavior and prevent it from happening again.

She's at the "point of no return" because you gave her the ultimatum and the cold shoulder. She's deeply hurt and she would rather be alone than hurt again by you.

If you want to try and make amends, you need to stop the bad behavior because she doesn't deserve it.

Call her and ask if she can meet with you to talk briefly. Then you go to her place and CALMLY apologize. Tell her that you recognize where you went wrong and that you want to try and make amends, and that you want this relationship to work out. You need to be HONEST with her.

And tell her that she needs to be honest with you, that if she recognizes something that she doesn't like, she needs to feel comfortable enough to tell you and not feel like you are going to storm out of the relationship or cut her off. (Because that's emotionally manipulative...your feelings and emotions are not the only ones that are valid. Her emotions are valid too, but it sounds like she's very much a giver and puts her emotions on hold to attend to your emotions. That's a very draining experience and I've been that girl)

Then I think you, personally, need to attend counseling or read a book or SOMETHING so you can recognize when you're about to act out. You need to stop playing the game because if you've already got the girl you love, then you don't need to play the game anymore. You shouldn't NEED that validation anymore.

You know, I thought you were a guy at first. But then I wondered how the hell you could just be so "spot on" with everything . You're completely right here and I do need some face-to-face reconciliation with her. I just feel embarrassed to even pick up the phone and call her since reflecting on all the negativity.

I also feel that I won't get to hear what I want to hear. To be honest, I don't want her to be happy without me, I don't want her to move on and experience some other guy. I still feel as though I have more to give, more to show, more to experience with her. But now, her family, friends and everybody has probably built up this facade around me since the breakup, which has just thrown me even more into the deepend within her mind.

She even put single on her FB, though, the first breakup, she just removed the status instead, but didn't officially put "single" so I'm weary about even trying to do anything, it looks hopeless.

 

[JohnChops]

Okay then why are you displaying AFC behavior if your that good ? You dont have to follow my advice just respect it. Expirence is one thing, but not recognizing your mistake and posting it here for us guys to help you is another. I'm just saying man, exs are exs foe a reason. You broke up twice, its done.

 

[The Gambler]

But yeah, go on, show how cool you are and perfect. We all make mistakes, simply acknowledge them and if you feel bad about what you've done say sorry.

I agree with this 100%.... Those are very wise words.

Look, this woman stuck by him through the good and the bad for a long time. The woman was a very good partner to the OP, and he makes that very clear. The least he can do is give her a sincere apology and tell her what he was thinking when he acted the way he did.

She deserves to know what the heck happened.... Regardless of whether the two of them get back together or not. The point is for the OP to level off into the middle and be a "good guy." Read the DJ Bible if you have forgotten what a good guy is. A good guy is not a doormat, but he will admit when he was wrong.

The Gambler

 

[backbreaker]

OP,


the problem is that you didn't make a mistake. people make mistakes. I make mistakes.

The problem is that you have a serious defect in character that you have for whatever the reason never addressed and have glossed over it and she's sick of dealing with it. you aren't ready for a mature relationship.

from my view point the 2nd one took the cake. it's not even so much that you got mad at her, people get mad. you took a grenade and turned it into a nuclar warhead.

then you blame it on "well i was drunk so this made me do this" but **** dude, she gave you a chance 4 ****ing days later to back down from your silly stance and you refused to. that wasn't because you are drunk it was beucase you are a horrible boyfriend

i don't mean this to be a jerk but why should you get her back? what have you done to deserve her other than really want to date her? you have treated her like ****, not for anything that she has done per say but beucase of y9our personal inscutiries

this is why you have to work on you before you work on someone else. beucase even if you work on someone else, if you haven't worked on you, it will never work and while you are talking to women, you will come to think it's hopeless beucase you will never have long term success. your insecurities keep popping up.

forgot about her. she doesn't want to deal with you and you need to send her on to greener pastures.

 

[betheman]

why do you want her back? so you can break up with her again in 3 - 4 months? blame her when you have a bad night? make her feel miserable so you can feel better? you need to take a good hard look at yourself and what makes you behave this way.
if you have it in you, send the girl a sincere apology, admit your fault, (make no excuses i.e. I was drunk etc) and wish her well for the future

 

[marmel75]

You got what you deserved you immature little boy.

 

[VladPatton]

You shouldn't. The End.