Horrible Post-Breakup Screwup

[JeremyKel]

No need to be harsh, I'm taking your advise seriously. My only thought was trying one last attempt at reconciliation by changing my mentality (and attraction).

I figure it's better than just ignoring her forever, but maybe I am indeed living in la la land.

 

[hansol]

What could I respond to her with right now that would spike the most interest? I'll keep you posted on her response.

NOTHING! Nothing you can say/do right now will spike ANY interest. NONE!

The kicker is if you want to spike interest, you need to ignore her. IGNORE HER. Cut contact cold turkey. No texts, no late night "what are you doing?", no facebook updates. You disappear from her life. (That's part 1)

What happens next is one day, a long time from now, say 1 year and 2 months from now, she wonders "Hmm, I wonder what J. Kel is up to?" She doesn't act on this, of course. But over a period of weeks, that thought crosses her mind more and more frequently. Eventually, she gets curious enough to get in touch. (That's part 2)

How part 3 plays out is entirely dependent on how you handle her getting in touch. But that isn't important right now. What IS important is that NOTHING YOU DO IN THE NEXT YEAR MATTERS. If you do ANYTHING, you will blow it.

So, what you have to do Mr. J.Kel is find something to occupy yourself with for the next year and a half. Get a new gf, work out, make a bunch of cash, maybe open an investment portfolio, hit Thailand for some surfing. Because with regards to your ex, you can't control any of how it plays out in the immediate future.

Oh, and did I mention IGNORE HER! NO contact. Don't cave. Don't make this post meaningless by texting her in a moment of weakness. I implore you good sir. Kittens will die if you get in touch. Think of the kittens...

 

[pipe007]

I stopped reading after I read this

" I want some time for myself, I want to improve myself"

that's it she sees you as inferior, and a block which is keeping her stuck from getting the happiness she thinks she deserves... which in her mind, it's gotta be something, a better deal, than YOU."

dont take it personally, its what is going on in her mind.

I want to improve myself = I want to free myself from you, you are dragging me down and I deserve better, a higher status, (whatever that means for her) kind of male.

game over. Move on

 

[Iceberg]

No need to be harsh, I'm taking your advise seriously. My only thought was trying one last attempt at reconciliation by changing my mentality (and attraction).

I figure it's better than just ignoring her forever, but maybe I am indeed living in la la land.

She said she wants to "go out and discover herself." What part of your mentality can you change to remove that desire from her?

 

[JeremyKel]

Hansol: I am following your advise to the T.

I apologize for the mistrust. It's difficult to think it's over as we both mutiually decided that we need some time apart. I'm not kidding myself, it's true. I've even overheard her say to someone that the breakup is mutual, so it's not one sided. Even though I know it's for the best that we take a break, I'm still very attached to this girl and part of me doubts my decision.

Thanks everyone... it's going to be a long road to get over this one. I am in the middle of nowhere, which makes it a lot more depressing to know that she's partying in the big city single.

I'll keep you posted as any events occur from my lack of communication.

 

[JeremyKel]

BTW: Iceberg: Very good point, you're right. There is nothing I can do to change this.

First breakups suck, especially when they're 4 years long. Damn.

 

[Igetit!]

I'm with JLay,Iceberg,and the others on this one.

You simply need to move on man,but for some reason,I DON'T THINK you will.


After everything that's been said and all of the good advice you've been given,TWO TIMES you asked how to go about winning her back.
It's cool though,I mean some people learn through advice and instruction,while others have to learn the hard way,but either way,learning is learning.

Her reasoning is that she needs to discover who she is as a person before she can be comfortable in a relationship.

Oh please,couldn't she come up with something better than that? Most girls at least put some effort or energy into their LIES before they say them. Her excuse was like she just came up with something at the last minute.




She said that she needs to "discover who she is" before she can be comfortable in a relationship. Really? Ok,let's see.....so according to her,she needs to find out who she is so she'll be comfortable IN A RELATIONSHIP........AFTER BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR THE PAST 4 YEARS.


Dude,you CAN'T BE this naive. You CAN'T BE this dumb.


She said needs to find out who she is so she'll be comfortable in a relationship AFTER BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP for the past 4 years


You CANNOT BE this naive bro. Come on,man.

Now that I've established myself as a spineless dork who's lost all hand in the scenario, is there anything I can do to win my power back?

No. It's pretty much over with man.

....unless you want to go "no contact",and I'm not talking about the standard no contact commonly discussed on the boards,you'd need a Super No Contact. And I'm not talking about 3 weeks,6 weeks,3 months,or even a year.


You'd have to pull a 2 or 3 year rabbit out of your hat for this one.


It'd take that long (or even longer) to ERASE all that AFC behavior you displayed in front of her out of her mind.



Basically put,just forget it dude.

She even told and encouraged me to play the field and sleep with other women to get it off my chest so that when the time comes and she's fulfilled her need for self discovery, we can be in a relationship with no regrets.

Why do you think she said this to you? You think she really wants you to "get it off your chest" so everything will be free and clear for the future?

Don't fall for that sh*t. You know why she said that? She said it because that's what she plans to do. If you think she's just going to lock herself in some room with candles and meditate until she comes to this place of "self discovery",you're in for one hell of a shock.




She ENCOURAGED you to go date and sleep with other women because that's what she plans to go do with other men. It's just like PairPlusRoyalFlush said,for women,"I need to find out who I am" EQUALS "I'm going to go out and have sex with other men".



I think this girl's claim of wanting "self discovery" is full of crap,but if after everything you've been through you still want her,then maybe that "self discoery" thing is something YOU might want to look into for YOURSELF.

 

[UniKKatiL]

Self discovery? Maybe she found out she's a lesbian...

Seriously, I see threads like this all the time on SS these days. There is only one answer; man up, control your emotions, respect yourself and move the fvck on!!!!!!!!!!! And if you ever meet her, smile and be happy tap her on the head like she's a little girl....

How can you love someone that doesn't love you back? Are you a girl? Oh, she's making you feel good right? Lol man, there is so much ***** out there so it's time for self improvement and get laid with many women... when you can get any chick you want you will realize she is nothing.

All this **** about being emotionally attached to a girl is a weakness. It implies you have no self-respect, you're not happy about yourself and you don't love yourself... You need a girl to make you feel good? lol.... All you need is yourself, and feeling good about yourself. It's normal to be emotionally attached but your weak when you don't know how to walk away. She is your drug isn't she? lol man she is just some ****ing girl who doesn't give a **** about you.

 

[Clark Kent]

Somewhere along the line, you messed up. That rocky period of the relationship, can you shed more light on HOW YOU, were acting to the turbulence? Its possible this could've triggered her rationalizations.

She started rationalizing the relationship and your importance on and in her life there on. Sounds to me like you weren't the rock she wanted. How old are you OP?

Four years is not an insurance guranteee that you KNOW this girl. The love she had for you was only a self-hypnosis, vise versa with you bro. Things got abit rocky and she belled out, treat this as walking across a landmine. All the better for you, win/win.

 

[JeremyKel]

I agree, I suppose after 4 years I thought that I was able to let my guard down, which was a mistake. BTW: I'm 23.

I didn't mention this, but 2 months ago, we had a similar relationship problem and she decided to end it. We talked it out and made some changes based on the problems we made with our relationship (decided we would live separately, i'd take the dog, we'd stop sharing money, etc). We ended up getting back together and everything changed. We went from crappy sex to her being all over me and us both banging outside because we couldn't wait until we got home.

Unfortunately, a lot of the factors that caused the initial problem presented them self again because it's hard to move out immediately and we were still stuck living together with the same old routine.

I started getting agitated with her, I even remember "hating her" a week before she initiated the breakup and I became a little passive aggressive.

Then she initiated the breakup and I complied that it was a good idea. Initially I was relieved, and now I'm a mess, which leads me to my original post.

This reconciliation that I experienced 2 months ago gives me hope that if I say the "right thing", there is a chance. But where I'm at right now, it seems like any contact would dig me deeper and deeper. That being said, I hate for my last words to her to be so AFC.

 

[JeremyKel]

By the way, I have a lot of things I'm working with here. I'm tall, attractive, I am very successful for my age, I'm a smart, confident and funny guy. She is very attractive, but doesn't have a career/direction, or money (in fact she has a lot of debt).

I had a huge moment of weakness, but I think that once she compares me to the average douchebag out there, she will most certainly see that I am the prize. I just want to position myself AS this prize that might get swept away unless she works to win me back. (As I said, in her head the break is mutual).

I know it sounds like I'm in the bargaining stage still, so feel free to get more pissed off. It makes sense to me.

 

[hansol]

J, you ARE the prize. And you are going to get swept away, by a chick other than your ex. She had a relationship with you, and quit. She lost her chance.

Us guys on this site aren't good at sugar coating things. We have all had an ex who destroyed us in one way or another. Most all of us have tried to play a martyr and get her back. Most all of us failed miserably. Which led most of us to this site.

Slowly we realised that other people have had the same experience. And the common thread that holds it all together is that trying to do damange control and "fix" things ended in utter failure.

Then more threads pop up like yours. "I was dating this girl, we broke up, she's the "one", I want her back." Then know what happens in the end? FAIL. Huge and utter failure. 99.9% of the time it fails. And when we see this over and over and over again for years, most guys get short with disillusioned gentlemen.

So once again, NO CONTACT. MOVE ON. If she wanted you, she would be with you. It really is that simple. No amount of mind games or positioning on your part will change the immediate future. The only thing that can fix things is time, and that requires burning a lot of it.

 

[ENIGMA16]

And if you're going to contact her, post on the forum first. Hopefully we can talk you out of it.

 

[Darth]

I think that once she compares me to the average douchebag out there, she will most certainly see that I am the prize. I just want to position myself AS this prize that might get swept away unless she works to win me back.

Oh no.

 

[Jariel]

My only thought was trying one last attempt at reconciliation by changing my mentality (and attraction).

That's how it happens. You think you have nothing to lose so you try one more thing. It doesn't work so you think, maybe that was the wrong thing to say, I'll try a new strategy, then before you know it you've sent 20 emails or texts all saying different things and making you look like some obsessive creep. Then it truly is goodbye forever!

What you have to understand is that when we tell you to ignore this girl, move on or remove yourself as her safety net, we are giving you the most powerful advice you can get to win her back. People value what they can't have, they mourn what they have lost, but while you're there waiting for her to come back, she's not valuing you or mourning any loss.

I understand you're probably not ready to go and see other women yet, but what you can do is work on improving yourself. Read some of the tips on this site, learn about seduction, visit the gym etc. Not only will it give you a valuable distraction, but if you ever run into her 6-12 months from now she will see a guy who has control of his life and is looking great.

This is exactly what I did after getting dumped after 5 years. 12 months later I'm in the best shape of my life, I'm popular, I have women are all over me and I've met an amazing girl who I love being with. My ex has tried to contact me, but I have absolutely no interest now.

 

[Jariel]

I recommend reading this post. It has some real life examples you can learn from. Also read some of the replies where other people have given their experiences...

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=82346