Horrible Post-Breakup Screwup

[JeremyKel]

Hey guys,

My girlfriend of 4 years (we've lived together the whole time), has told me that we need to break up. The last few months have been rocky for both of us, and I agreed with her that some time apart would be a good thing.

Her reasoning is that she needs to discover who she is as a person before she can be comfortable in a relationship. She has no career right now, we're both young, and she has no hobbies. My reasoning being that she was my first major girlfriend, and I wouldn't mind some time to play the field.

Now, after playing the field, I'm realizing that losing her will be one of the worst things that can happen to me and I made the BRUTAL mistake of meeting her a few days after the breakup and confessing my mistakes / surrendering to her to win her back. Obviously, she held firm to the breakup. We ended up talking about it further and both came to the conclusion that a breakup was indeed in order. I ended the meeting by saying that the ball is in her court.

Now that I've established myself as a spineless dork who's lost all hand in the scenario, is there anything I can do to win my power back?

Not contacting her is an option, but the assumption that I'm always ready to take her back must kill the attraction. I live in a different city, so we won't be bumping into each other, but she can see my updates on Facebook.

What can I do?

Thanks,
J

 

[L B]

How about you forget about her and move on with your life? She obviously has. You can't fix what's broken. It didn't work out the first time, it will not work out the 2nd or 3rd time. Yes, 4 years is a long time to be in a relationship. But when it ends, it ends. Even people with 30 year marriage cheat on each other. Don't believe in love and trust no one because they can turn their back on you at any time.

Focus on your career, hobby, and workout at the moment. When you're ready, start dating other women. Don't look for a relationship, just focus on dating and learning. Eventually you will be a better man with much more value. Then you can decide if you want to have a long term relationship.

 

[ENIGMA16]

How about you forget about her and move on with your life?

This. Please for the love of fvcking god just move on with your life.

I was going out with a girl for 2 1/2 years. She was my highschool sweetheart I guess you could say, we started going out just before my senior year and kept going out until she graduated high school. She dumped me after that. I was a complete wreck, for months. It affected me for years.

Yet she found another guy to go out with a few weeks later, and has been with him ever since. She moved on in a heartbeat. I'm willing to bet she cheated on me with him, or almost did.

Don't put yourself through what I did, it's not worth it. In the end you'll be in the same position - single and depressed - and she'll have moved on with other guys.

So just take it like a man and move on. Look at all of the negatives about the relationship and what you're now free to do. If you're that attached to this woman then it's because you have some shortcomings in your life and you were filling that void with her (again, speaking from first hand experience). That is not a healthy relationship and not something that you should be trying to get back; you shouldn't be in a relationship until you get yourself sorted.

So just go no contact, stop talking to her and move on with your life. She's going to contact you again to both seek attention from you and also to make sure that she didn't hurt you too bad so she can feel better about it. Just ignore her calls, texts, messages, etc... If you do run into her, keep it light, brief and upbeat. Keep it to less than a minute, say you have to be somewhere and you're in a hurry and that it was good seeing her. Don't let her know how you feel about her or that you miss her or anything like that. Don't show desperation, just move on, PLEASE.

And remove her from Facebook. The fact that you're still friends with her is telling that you're not ready to let her go. You need to let her go, man. And delete her number out of your phone and forget it, because I know you haven't done that, either.

Just please, for once, be someone that takes our advice to heart and follows through with it. It's going to be hard at first, but it's much easier just swallowing the big pill right away instead of pvssyfooting around it, becoming hopeful that she'll take you back, being rejected and depressed again, etc... ad infinitum. Cut it off now and you will be much happer and much freer much sooner. If you don't then you're just torturing yourself.

 

[ENIGMA16]

Now that I've established myself as a spineless dork who's lost all hand in the scenario, is there anything I can do to win my power back?

BTW the answer to this is no. There is absolutely no way that you are going to get this girl back. Any contact you have with this girl is just going to portray you as weaker and more desperate.

 

[Zarky]

Everybody ^^^^^ is correct.

Unfortunately, I've been in your boat and done the same as what you have done/are about to do.

You're going to go into scared wimpy mode and are going to try everything, and I mean everything, to get your girl back. I've done it more than once and will probably do it again many times in the future. In theory you can avoid it by being super unemotional but I've never been able to.

Besides deaths, breakups are the toughest thing to go through for a man.

Look up the 5 stages of grief and find out which one you're in. I'm guessing the 'bargaining' stage. You just have to ride it out. You'll do stupid stuff and you will still lose her. It sucks and you'll hurt for a loooong time and there's nothing you can do about it.

My calculations--and like I've said I've done it a lot--is that you're a wreck for 1 month for every year the relationship lasted. Then you're still messed up for an equal amount of time. Then you're more or less better for an equal amount of time. Then you're over it.

So since you went out for 4 years...
You'll be a wreck for 4 months.
You'll be somewhat messed up for 4 more months.
You'll be mostly over her for 4 more months.
You'll be over it completely after that.

So your next year is going to suck, basically.

Next time date multiple women, always. Dating multiple women will cut those times in half, and cut the pain in half.

 

[JeremyKel]

I suppose the most difficult part is that she keeps saying how much this is about how she wants to improve herself, and it's not about dating other guys. When she mentioned the break up, she pleaded that I wouldn't shut down any possibility of reconciliation (Think of it as an 'extended vacation', she says.)

She was very shy and unconfident when I met her at 18 and things moved along very fast (moved in together right when we started dating). Then we spent 2 years running a business together, got a dog, etc. She has always used me as an emotional crutch, and she wants to develop inner confidence to become a well-rounded adult.

She even told and encouraged me to play the field and sleep with other women to get it off my chest so that when the time comes and she's fulfilled her need for self discovery, we can be in a relationship with no regrets.

Anyways, I followed your advice and just deleted her off Facebook. It's going to be hard, (especially since we have so many mutual friends). But I'm going to do my best to forget about her.

If anything, I figure that would be my best chance at getting her back.

Thanks
Jer

 

[Ease]

She has always used me as an emotional crutch, and she wants to develop inner confidence to become a well-rounded adult.

What she really wants is a change of boyfriend because she is bored of you.

We dont want no ungrateful hoes here, let her go and show no emotion playa.

 

[TomSwift]

I suppose the most difficult part is that she keeps saying how much this is about how she wants to improve herself, and it's not about dating other guys. When she mentioned the break up, she pleaded that I wouldn't shut down any possibility of reconciliation (Think of it as an 'extended vacation', she says.)

She was very shy and unconfident when I met her at 18 and things moved along very fast (moved in together right when we started dating). Then we spent 2 years running a business together, got a dog, etc. She has always used me as an emotional crutch, and she wants to develop inner confidence to become a well-rounded adult.

She even told and encouraged me to play the field and sleep with other women to get it off my chest so that when the time comes and she's fulfilled her need for self discovery, we can be in a relationship with no regrets.

Anyways, I followed your advice and just deleted her off Facebook. It's going to be hard, (especially since we have so many mutual friends). But I'm going to do my best to forget about her.

If anything, I figure that would be my best chance at getting her back.

Thanks
Jer

Have to agree with everyone else so far. One thin I'd like to add is that I can offer some advice as my wife of 12 years also pulled the "I need to rediscover who I am and how to live independently" thing. Two months later she had already shacked up with a guy. So don't believe what they say. It's always about boredom. In my case I withdrew from her sexually because I was so turned off by her bullsh*t so I wasn't surprised when she left. Don't try to rationalize her behavior. Move on, date other women, get laid. You'll feel better.

 

[Kailex]

I'm not going to type it again, but it applies just as well:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showpost.php?p=1759583&postcount=28

 

[Atom Smasher]

All excellent advice. I especially like JLay's articulation.

Jeremy, you said,
"She even told and encouraged me to play the field and sleep with other women to get it off my chest so that when the time comes and she's fulfilled her need for self discovery, we can be in a relationship with no regrets."

That's it. You're done. When a girl says that she's either pysically with some guy now or is about to be. There's no hope for this relationship. Sorry to be so brutally frank.

But there's LOTS of hope for you. I think that Zarky's formula is pretty accurate. If you EXPECT a bit of a rough ride you will be able to ride it out and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

In the meantime, follow all these guys' advice and work on improving yourself every day. If it's a bad day, just be sure to do one tiny little thing to improve your station in life. It's all about making positive gestures to yourself.

You guys both used each other to fulfill what you perceived to be lacking in your lives, and everybody here has been through that. We all have to go through it. You'll find that this experience will be a springboard for learning and that you're going to come out of it much stronger and much more confident. It doesn't seem like it now, but trust me, the outcome is certain if you move on. Remember that just the act of moving on, removing her stuff from your place, Facebook deletion, etc. all give you a sense of control and decision and that you are designing your own future and are not a victim of circumstance.

 

[Jariel]

she pleaded that I wouldn't shut down any possibility of reconciliation (Think of it as an 'extended vacation', she says.)

She wants you as a safety net basically so if things don't work out for her she can come back to you.

This is where (and perhaps the only opening) for you to take back some power. You need to remove this possibility from her and let her feel what it's like to lose you.

For you, this is very sharp and painful. You have no control and that's hard to cope with. She, on the other hand, has control and if it gets too hard for her, she can come back to you. This allows her to ease out of the relationship more gradually and less painfully.

You need to move on with your life and start seeing other women and you need to let her know that a reconciliation is off the cards, convince her you think it's the right decision and that you are happy. A great thing to do is propose the two of you can be mates, then start talking to her about the latest girl you hooked up with or ask her advice about a girl you like.

Talking from experience, this drives them mad and is such an effective way to turn the tables. She may even moan about how quickly you moved on and how you mustn't have cared much about her, but don't get sucked into it and tell her how you really feel. Just tell her you felt it was time to move on or how you're just making the most of single life.

 

[GameOfNoGame]

d'ohhhh see, I did that too. Girl left me to go back to her abusive ex. I tried everything, bolstering her self esteem, rationalizing, indignation, even offering to bring her back myself. Nope, she stayed the **** there to be his housewife. So I just told her that when she's ready to accept that her life is garbage to let me know & my offer stands. Maybe that was a mistake but what else can you say? At least I feel like I did everything I could and it's on her if she gets mushroom stamped for failing to please him.

I pick up others & it's also on her that while she's scrubbing his toilet I'm off taking girls to the theatre etc. When she comes to talk to me you betcha she's gonna hear about it and she sounds regretful about it so I tell her she knows what to do. Maybe she'll learn before it's too late for her. Because if she goes back to him there's proof girls go back no matter how ****ty it is so there's hope for decent guys too. And if she doesn't? Well **** her up her stupid ass then she had every opportunity.

 

[ENIGMA16]

Oh and Jeremy let us know when she contacts you and how you handled it, she probably will in the next couple days or week or two.

 

[JeremyKel]

Thanks for the additional advice folks.

I had to pick something up from her house today and drop off my keys, and she left a note for me, "Good luck with the new job " (I just started a new job today) she then emailed me in the morning asking if I was "OK".

I understand I should let her go, but I think I could get her back if I played my cards right. The bottom line is, I got comfortable with the relationship and the game I used to initially get her shut off.

When we broke up, I put her on a pedestal and devalued myself (responded to her emails immediately, asked her to work it out, etc.)

I understand everything about how you are all saying to give up on her, but she really is a great girl, and I'd like to try everything I can to spark that initial interest. (I think that's what she's looking for in life right now (excitement)). In addition, I am in the middle of nowhere right now on a work contract, and dating other girls isn't really an option.

I deleted her off Facebook, I haven't responded to the emails she sent this morning, and I haven't mentioned the note she left me.

Any thoughts? What could I respond to her with right now that would spike the most interest? I'll keep you posted on her response.

 

[st_99]

Dude, trust me. Over time you will be thanking god you two broke up.

I know it sounds absurd at the moment but trust me on this.

For the love of god, trust me.

In the mean time, focus on yourself.

 

[JeremyKel]

I suppose the thing keeping me going is all the stories I hear of young relationships that start so quickly. Then have a brief confusing breakup period, followed by reuniting forever.

I've heard this happen to many married couples. What are your thoughts on this?

 

[Iceberg]

I understand I should let her go, but I think I could get her back if I played my cards right.

You met her when she was 18, dated for the past 4 years, lived together for 2 years, and she says she needs to break up with you and go discover herself

What part of that has changed?

Christ, dude. She's what...22? Do you blame her for wanting to see new things? Have new experiences? Date new people?

In addition, I am in the middle of nowhere right now on a work contract, and dating other girls isn't really an option.

You also just got out of a 4 year relationship where you lived with the girl. I wouldn't suggest that you go out and find new women right now.....even if you DID live around them.

And I've heard that excuse. "There are no other girls around here, so help me get my ex back." 1. there are ALWAYS other girls 2. That's a terrible reason for being in a relationship.

Any thoughts? What could I respond to her with right now that would spike the most interest? I'll keep you posted on her response.

Sorry, man. But this isn't the place for that kind of advice. Plenty of the guys here have gone through what you're going through. And that means they're going to tell you the LOGICAL solution. Not the EMOTIONAL one.

Logically, you move on with your life. Any benefit you get from rekindling an interest in her is temporary and emotional.

Frankly, I agree with the girl. Who settles down with someone at 18? That might work if you have no goals in life, but if you're an ambitious person, there's no way you could tie your whole life to another person after meeting them when you're 18.

 

[ENIGMA16]

I suppose the thing keeping me going is all the stories I hear of young relationships that start so quickly. Then have a brief confusing breakup period, followed by reuniting forever.

I've heard this happen to many married couples. What are your thoughts on this?

You're dreaming. You're living in your head. You have tunnel vision. The best thing you could possibly do for yourself is to let this girl go and move on with your life.

Moreover, listen to our fvcking advice you idiot! I already told you she was going to pull this ****; she's not doing it because she's still attracted to you (she's not). She's doing it because she wants attention from you and she wants to know that she didn't hurt you too bad so she doesn't have to feel bad about dumping your ass.

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY IN HELL THAT YOU CAN GET THIS GIRL BACK. NONE. ZERO. ZIP. NADDA.

Can you please read that like one million times until it gets through your thick skull? You're done. Game over. Give up and move on with it already.

I'm proud of you for not responding before consulting the forum, but honestly, tell me, what on earth did you think we would tell you? To go for it? No, because it's done with. Don't respond and move on. Don't "pick up stuff from her house" anymore. Don't talk to her. Don't email her. Nothing. Cut it off completely and move on. I don't care if this girl is the only human being on earth that you have any contact with, it would be better for you to be completely alone.

For the love of fvcking god just listen to us.

 

[getready]

Dude, please take the advice on this forum. I know it can be easy to say "these guys are going too far. They don't know my situation. They don't know her." But you have to stop these thoughts. They are not rational. This situation is very simple. She dumped you. You can't get her back. It's over. Accept it and move on. Your playing with fire if you don't start living in reality and accept that. I had a friend whose girl dumped him and then he kept desperately trying to get her back. Do you know what happened? She did take him back. And then she dumped him again soon after and he'd tried to ****ing kill himself. I don't want to see that happen to you man. The absolute best thing you can do for yourself to be happy is to move on.

 

[Zarky]

You guys are wasting your breath.. I originally suggested that he was in the "bargaining" phase of grief.. I was wrong. He's still in the first phase: denial. There's no way he's going to listen to you. Maybe 6 months from now he'll come back and read this thread from top to bottom and realize that he was living in la-la land.

You got a long road ahead of you, OP. Best of luck. I'm not giving any more advice because you ain't gonna take it. No hard feelings, been there myself.