Hitting the edge of despair

[jpizzler]

Hi folks,
Only been here for a few months, barely recovering. Learning new things that I wish I knew before, the usual. But right now I'm asking for advice, or guidance even, because I think I'm hitting rock bottom and I need a kick in the balls to man up.

So what brought me here is the coldness of a female. A good friend as she started out to be, met her months before moving and decided that moving to the US from Ireland was a good idea, a best friend even, then a declaration of love (a letter) followed suit after months of friendship (I was stuck in a bad rutt, a new foreigner in a lonely and cold country, needing companionship). Naturally, a rejection reciprocated. I told her we can't be friends for a while, and went no contact for a month. Dated a few girls then got drunk off my ass. But everyone since then felt like a cardboard cutouts of a person, and there was always a glimpse of neediness and hopefulness to get her back as a friend because of a nibbling loneliness. Met a few times afterward, two weeks back she came over and told me she 'needed me', I played along and acted cold, she thought I was being a prick. Came over to her house by surprise showing some balls to say sorry and play 'loser' for a while. Calls me and says she doesn't need me, and I detect a game game being played. I call her to submit to the game, at least if I'm powerless she'll be friends again. Says she'll get back to me' but doesn't. I assume she loved the attention and the patheticness.

I go to eat alone where she works (happens to be my favourite place to eat, the day after my birthday), awkward moments, followed by giggling on her side with a co-worker. I make stupid small talk and feel like poo after leaving. End of.

What should I do to get over this extreme case of oneitis? I'm writing this after a binge on scotch, feeling sorry for myself. I think subconsciously I'm still hopeful, to get her back as my best friend. How do I kill this neediness? This loneliness? What do I need to get back on track? How can I seperate myself from feeling the need to get her back in my life after she played and I let her play me? I did do much for her when we stayed friends, payed for her food, looked after her errands, worked when she she needed help. I thought I was just being a good man, showing chivalry and courtship without relation, the 'feelings' came afterwards.

Right now I feel pathetic, I feel the need to revitalize myself away from this place before the worst hits me for good.

 

[Aristippus]

Don't do too much for a woman too early on. Look at it like this. You were bringing more to the friendship than she was. Buying dinners for her, running errands and doing chores. What did she ever do for you? I bet IF she did anything for you, you probably did much more for her than she ever did for you.

Forget "courting" and all that bulls**t. You shouldn't be courting women. You should be making friends with them and testing them and observing their behavior. The idea behind courtship is that you're trying to win her approval. You want to do the reverse of that. You have to see what kind of a woman she is. You have to look for qualities (besides looks) that you want. Think of it like this. Looks are 1/3 rd of the equation. An important 1/3 rd but still only 1/3 rd. The other 2/3 rds would be things like how interested she is in you, how she treats you and other people. Is she low or high maintenance?

Is she a giver or a taker? Does she have good personality AND good character. (Character would be things like, is she trustworthy, does she treat people well, is she a drama queen?). You've got a lot of things you need to determine about her through observation and testing her. The idea is that you can test women and you can also be friends with them. You can physically move things forward with a woman without ever "courting" her. If you both kiss passionately and eventually have sex, being boyfriend and girlfriend will be her idea.

You always move things forward physically non-verbally. There are many low-risk ways to tell if a woman is interested and there are very easy ways to move forward with a woman physically. I am too lazy to post what I normally do, but I'll find some links that can steer you in the right direction.

 

[Aristippus]

Just check out the DJ Bible and look under the topics that catch your eye.

 

[marmel75]

Have some fvcking self respect and never talk to this beeyatch again. That is the type of person you want to be your best friend?? Why? So she can use you to get what she wants out of the relationship? This is obviously one worthless b*itch who doesn't give a fvck about you as a person.

Do yourself a favor and find a chick that is hotter then her and then take her for lunch at the place she works if you want to get her interest peaked, but why you would want to do this is beyond me.

Men don't cry in their beer, grovel on the floor, or disrespect themselves for a women. Nor do they allow a woman to disrespect them. Yes this might sound harsh, but that type of behavior is the farthest thing from attractive to a women as you can get.

 

[Who Dares Win]

Now that you are destroyed you find yourself in a good situation for a rebuilt.

First of all take this girl away from your life, delete her number or any other means to contact her, so in case you will have a fallback, the lack of means will remember you why you did that.

Second, improve yourself starting from your body, hit the weights which will make you more attractive, more masculine and self-confident (hormones) and most of all more happy due to the endorphines released.
This will improve you as a person and make you feel better, you will also have the chance to make new friends there, to spot each other at the bench press is a great way for basic bondings.

Go out alone or with friends, have fun and approach girls.
Ignore that girl , she either will never contacts you therefore showing how useless it was to get to her anyway or she will contact you for a ego boost just to check if she can still have you.
At that point be polite but show her no interest and keep it short, after weeks she will probably appear again and then it will be your call.

But I suggest to you as much as I suggest to all guys here, to delete from your life whatever made you feel bad or reminds you of your old self, the failing one which you killed.

 

[Aristippus]

I think right now the best thing you can do is go out and make some guy friends. Just get into a social circle and forget women for a while. The funny thing is, which I find is so often overlooked and no one ever seems to mention, is that sometimes a really good way to meet women is through guy friends.

I know this might sound weird, but sometimes all it takes is just making friends with guys you genuinely like hanging out with, and eventually you meet women that know them. Who know other women, etc etc. I think for now, you just need to focus on making friends. Don't even think about women. You're a lonely guy living in a new country and you need to take care of your social needs for friendship and companionship. When I say companionship, I mean something that other humans (male or female) and animals can provide. A lack of companionship can sometimes create even more desperation. It can also impair your judgement. Friends first, women later. Just my opinion.

 

[mikey2012]

Fvck some hookers while listening to kanye wests Heartless....:woo:

 

[SgtSplacker]

If you play defensive bluffing games with girls all you are doing is getting her defenses way up and stronger to the point of a stalemate. You cant wage war with two huge granite walls between armies. When she told you that she needed you it was time to let her in but only a little bit. You like her alot so you were offended that initially she acted like she didn't need you. And you wanted her to compromise her dignity to gain your affection. And all the while you were stone walling her. You were too aggressive. You should have accepted her and let her earn your love, instead of shutting her out altogether. Further more it means you possibly don't care about her as much as you think you do. Because your feelings were more important than hers when she came to you in submission.

At least this is how it went down with me one time... I could be totally FOS lol nothing new to me!! ha!

 

[Alvafe]

If you play defensive bluffing games with girls all you are doing is getting her defenses way up and stronger to the point of a stalemate. You cant wage war with two huge granite walls between armies. When she told you that she needed you it was time to let her in but only a little bit. You like her alot so you were offended that initially she acted like she didn't need you. And you wanted her to compromise her dignity to gain your affection. And all the while you were stone walling her. You were too aggressive. You should have accepted her and let her earn your love, instead of shutting her out altogether. Further more it means you possibly don't care about her as much as you think you do. Because your feelings were more important than hers when she came to you in submission.

At least this is how it went down with me one time... I could be totally FOS lol nothing new to me!! ha!

well I say everyone don't care about anyone if not thenselfs, so saying you should care about teh other people sentiments before yours is the cause of we making mistakes and missing your change to nail her (and yeah you can care and all that crap but first you want to nail her anyway).

I say now take your time, never go out just to drink, that is a mistake, hurt you and your wallet, find a hobby and go hit the gym or whatever makes you feel relaxed and happy, then looks around and try to find new girls. also helps a heel a lot if you jsut never saw the B again, so just evade her, if for some reason she asks anything keep the answer very open, in your case since you say you liked the place just tell her you find a better place.

 

[SgtSplacker]

I didn't say that he should care for her more than himself. But i'm just calling attention to that fact to prove to him that maybe this is going bad because his heart really is not in the right place. Maybe this is just an infatuation. Maybe this girl is really not the cause of his disheartening. Maybe this is just coming from him. Maybe he needs to stop attaching his emotions to ANY woman and just stand on his own two feet and press on with his life. This girl may not be the cause of this emotional drama he is feeling right now. This is not about her, it's about him.

And lets face it, this song and dance has been played over and over again by countless people, male and female alike. Stop the feeling sorry for yourself man, this is not the first or last girl that is going to cross your path. The problem here is depression not rejection...

 

[jpizzler]

I think all of you fellows are all right. I hit depression really bad, the worst days were close to thoughts of, well I'll say, unpleasantness towards myself. But being level-minded about that episode now, it's like watching myself on replay acting like a complete jackass. I'll focus on me first, I have to rebuild again. And I'll stick around here so I'll know what to do when time comes.

She really wasn't worth my time looking back now. It still stings that I feel all used, but I suppose it was inevitable.

Thanks for all the hands, this set me straight good. Hanging up the bottle too, even being Irish can't be an excuse anymore. :L