Help with new girlfriend situation

[MaddXMan]

I started dating my gf the first week of May, so it's been 4 months.

We met on pof.

Instand rapport. Tons of fun whenever we were together. Lots of pda.

She told me she loved me after 3 weeks. I am 43, she is 35.

We each have 2 kids. All the kids have met each other as we have done lots of activities together.

She got divorced in Oct 10 - so has been divorced 10 months, from a 12 year marriage.

I have been divorced 8 years.

I thought there was a risk of her being on the rebound so held my feelings in check initially. But gradually gave in to loving her as things were going so well.

Now she's been acting funny the last week. When I asked her why, she said: "A guy who I have known for a long time wants to take me out on a date. I think I want to go, but I have to be up front and honest with you about it. I am assuming you don’t want me to date anyone else, but I think I want to. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but I have to be truthful about this. So tell me what you’re thinking…."

I was floored by this, told her no time for these kind of games, she's the one who needs to figure things out not me, and to call me whenever she gets her head right. Her response:

"That’s true, I do need to figure things out. I’m surprised that you don’t want anything to do with me if I go on this date. Keep in mind, I haven’t done anything wrong. Well, I guess I haven’t in my mind. Yes, I said I love you first and I meant it. Just because I love you doesn’t mean that I will never date anyone else for the rest of my life! How can you think I’m playing games with you? I told you the truth before I acted on anything. I don’t consider that playing games. I’ll admit I’m a bit taken back right now at how mad you are at me."

So she thinks I'm really mad. Disappointed and shocked, but not furious at her.

It's not cool that she see's other people. That is not part of the agreement we made when we began to get serious - I like exclusive when things reach a certain point.

Just really not sure what to do now. Still numb, I had no idea this was coming. She never gave any signals, always was into me/us. No signals this was coming.

 

[pipe007]

I rather be alone than be in your shoes right now

 

[5string]

She told you she loves you but "wants" to go out with the other guy?

A sh!t test if I ever heard one.

Bail brother. Put her out with the trash first thing in the morning.

Good luck.

 

[vatoloco]

It's not cool that she see's other people. That is not part of the agreement we made when we began to get serious - I like exclusive when things reach a certain point.

Was it explicitly agreed upon? As in she asked (ideally) or you asked (not ideal) to be exclusive and both agree to it?

You know what they say about the word "assume"...

If a girl doesn't ask me for exclusivity and I do not explicitly agree to it, other girls are fair game.

Sounds like she's branch swinging...

 

[SecondHalf]

Seems she wants an open relationship or reduce your relationship status to FWB (for now).

Pretty irresponsible of her to do this after the kids have all met.

If a woman hasn't had a couple of relationships after a divorce, I won't allow myself to fall for her. I just use her and never involve the kids.

These fresh divorced women have no idea what they want.
She misses the family thing, likes being a couple and you scored 100 because you were not her ex (different, fresh, not having the same issues she HATES).

You have to dump her regardless of how much it hurts.
Even if she changed her mind after meeting this other guy.

Very selfish lady, with an unrealistic sense of entitlement.

Bottom line: Kids can't see Dad hurting and this woman offers a lifetime of hurt.

Happened to me too, almost exactly.
Was what caused me to finally unplug from the matrix.
Sorry friend!

SH

 

[MaddXMan]

Was it explicitly agreed upon? As in she asked (ideally) or you asked (not ideal) to be exclusive and both agree to it?

I honestly don't remember how the conversation went but I was the one who brought it up, I do remember that.

 

[Findog]

OP says in his original post that they made an agreement when things began to get serious. She also said I love you and introduced him to her kids, so OP understandably thought things were exclusive.

But here is the big red flag:

She told me she loved me after 3 weeks.

It takes time for lust and infatuation to give way to love. I know it hurts OP, but toss this one back and move on. I know it hurts like hell, but you'll be better off in the long run. She's not stable, mentally or emotionally, and that's what you want and need in a partner. She's also a recent divorcee, and in my experience encountering recent female divorcees, it takes at least a year for them to mentally regroup and be suitable dating material again.

 

[vatoloco]

Well, if she agreed to it and now she's looking for the "bigger, better deal" via a swing to a new branch, then she's not loyal and needs to be dumped.

Spin [a] new plate, my friend.

 

[Findog]

Well, if she agreed to it and now she's looking for the "bigger, better deal" via a swing to a new branch, then she's not loyal and needs to be dumped.

Spin [a] new plate, my friend.

Agreed, there is no salvaging this one, other than exiting her life and letting her see if the grass is indeed greener. And even if she belatedly realizes that it isn't and comes sniffing back around, he has to worry about this happening again. It doesn't sound like the honeymoon stage is even over and she's already scoping the field for someone else.

 

[vatoloco]

Agreed, there is no salvaging this one, other than exiting her life and letting her see if the grass is indeed greener. And even if she belatedly realizes that it isn't and comes sniffing back around, he has to worry about this happening again. It doesn't sound like the honeymoon stage is even over and she's already scoping the field for someone else.

QFT

 

[MaddXMan]

Seems she wants an open relationship or reduce your relationship status to FWB (for now).

Pretty irresponsible of her to do this after the kids have all met.

If a woman hasn't had a couple of relationships after a divorce, I won't allow myself to fall for her. I just use her and never involve the kids.

These fresh divorced women have no idea what they want.
She misses the family thing, likes being a couple and you scored 100 because you were not her ex (different, fresh, not having the same issues she HATES).

You have to dump her regardless of how much it hurts.
Even if she changed her mind after meeting this other guy.

Very selfish lady, with an unrealistic sense of entitlement.

Bottom line: Kids can't see Dad hurting and this woman offers a lifetime of hurt.

Happened to me too, almost exactly.
Was what caused me to finally unplug from the matrix.
Sorry friend!

SH

My daughter loves her too - my gf took her out to do things, something her mother never did.

This is really going to suck. It's like a mask came off and there was a totally different person in there.

 

[Findog]

My daughter loves her too - my gf took her out to do things, something her mother never did.

This is really going to suck. It's like a mask came off and there was a totally different person in there.

Been there, my friend. Be glad that it only took 4 months for her instability and true nature to come out, you never discussed marriage, and you didn't have even more of your heart and time invested. It's human nature when you're in a relationship to still find other people attractive and be flattered when someone expresses interest. But my philosophy is that if you're going to commit to exclusivity, then you give that relationship your best shot before calling it quits. It's like she ordered food at a restaurant and never put down the menu. Things were still in the blissful honeymoon stage and she was already looking around for greener grass. Imagine what would have happened if you had reached the power struggle stage and you had so much more invested in her:

http://gcuc.ncf.ca/relate5.html


She might not be bad dating material long-term, but stuff like this is why you should steer clear of recent divorcees. I know you said you were on guard for being used as a rebound, but I can't fault you for letting your guard down after she said those three words and took to your kids the way she did.

 

[squirrels]

http://gcuc.ncf.ca/relate5.html

Good link! Sums it up nicely...and gives me some needed insight, believe it or not. Thank you.

 

[pdx1138]

sorry to hear that man. This kind of female thought process makes me want to vomit.

You gotta take the trash out and close the lid tight.

 

[MaddXMan]

Tell me this: How do I exit with keeping my dignity?

It's pretty obvious she has written me/us off.

Here's her latest (condensed): "I understand that I’m backpedaling in our relationship, but I can’t ignore how I feel and I have to be honest with you about this. I’m so sorry that this is happening. I know you’re so mad. I’m not hoping the grass is greener, it isn’t just lust that I feel for you, and I’m not playing games. I’m not sure where or what I should have done differently. I obviously jumped in too fast at the expense of your heart, but this is where I am."

There's no arguing here nor do I have the mental energy to attack or say a slew of rude and mean things, I could fall into that trap easily.

I need tips on exiting without sounding whiny or with vicious attacking....

 

[Findog]

Tell me this: How do I exit with keeping my dignity?

It's pretty obvious she has written me/us off.

Here's her latest (condensed): "I understand that I’m backpedaling in our relationship, but I can’t ignore how I feel and I have to be honest with you about this. I’m so sorry that this is happening. I know you’re so mad. I’m not hoping the grass is greener, it isn’t just lust that I feel for you, and I’m not playing games. I’m not sure where or what I should have done differently. I obviously jumped in too fast at the expense of your heart, but this is where I am."

There's no arguing here nor do I have the mental energy to attack or say a slew of rude and mean things, I could fall into that trap easily.

I need tips on exiting without sounding whiny or with vicious attacking....

Don't discuss stuff with her. It's obvious at this point there's nothing to discuss. The less you say the better. Don't get vicious, don't beg and plead for another chance, don't condone her behavior by saying things like "You have to follow your heart, I wish you the best and take care," and even though you want to call her out on her bullsh*t, don't do that either, because all of that just reinforces her decision to dump you and that she made the right call. Just exchange your things/belongings and then go No Contact. Sorry this happened to you OP.

I think that's the best way to hit the middle of the spectrum between doormat and being a d*ck. You keep your dignity. I feel your pain, OP. It could have been worse:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showpost.php?p=1800691&postcount=121

 

[vatoloco]

I need tips on exiting without sounding whiny or with vicious attacking....

"Cool, see you around. "

 

[pdx1138]

"I understand that I’m backpedaling in our relationship, but I can’t ignore how I feel ."

so frigging typical of a woman to throw away something awesome because she feels a certain way. I'll say this, all of them have these thoughts, but the smarter ones, who know full well they got it good, don't act on it.

I wouldn't say anything to her at all.

Cut her off completely. hopefully you don't need to return her any items or you yours from her place...if so, keep it minimal conversation and civil.

thats all you can do.

Be prepared for her coming crying back to you within the next 6 months when things didn't turn out the way she thought they would. Don't giver her the time of day, like she is now.

 

[MaddXMan]

Don't discuss stuff with her. It's obvious at this point there's nothing to discuss. The less you say the better. Don't get vicious, don't beg and plead for another chance, don't condone her behavior by saying things like "You have to follow your heart, I wish you the best and take care," and even though you want to call her out on her bullsh*t, don't do that either, because all of that just reinforces her decision to dump you and that she made the right call. Just exchange your things/belongings and then go No Contact. Sorry this happened to you OP.

I think that's the best way to hit the middle of the spectrum between doormat and being a d*ck. You keep your dignity. I feel your pain, OP. It could have been worse:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showpost.php?p=1800691&postcount=121

I read the link - tough times, man. Sounds like my situation. We never fought, never argued, she went out of her way to arrange things and practically beg for my attention and any reason to see me - then this. The only redeeming thing is we never talked marriage and it's only been just shy of 5 months. So I didn't have quite as much invested.

She texted that she wants to call me tomorrow over my lunch break (she does not work Fridays). I'm sure she will be going over the same stuff she already said. I'll just stick with the fact that if she wants to see other people, I'm not ok with that, and if that's the case we're through.

I know she is NOT going to say oh baby I made a mistake, I want you etc & etc.

Likely, the conversation will be her making it official, and I really don't need a negative conversation like that in the middle of my work day to bum me out and distract me.

 

[Johnnyventana]

Her first response - she did the rope a dope on you. Notice how she blamed you for being 'mad' at her when meanwhile she was the one seeking to date someone else. Mind fvck, crazy-making shyte.

I would let her be. Give her nothing. NC. She'll freak eventually. But, seriously, do you want her now? Also, something tells me she already dated him before the date she mentioned to you.