Help with new girlfriend situation

[Scaramouche]

Dear MadMan,
This is plain disgusting....If you think it is worth the bother,then the best she can expect is an ultimatum....Plain and simple....Tell her you are not into mind reading,that she has two choices,either You or him....She just cannot cannot eat her cake,and have it also....give her a week to make up her mind and further tell her that you are going no contact,the matter is non-negotiable...remember the fortress that would parley has half surrendered....I rarely advocate ultimatums but this is the exception that breaks the rule.

 

[Tazman]

It sounds like she feels she already has you figured out, especially because of how obviously this upset you.

The only way I see that you could turn this around would be to pretend like everything is cool, just be friendly and cordial. I would even go so far as to agree with her and "amplify". Say something about having a change of heart and that you actually feel it would be healthy.

Although it would have to come off as completely genuine, with you also implying that there's someone else you'd like to hang out with.

However, I'm thinking you probably don't have the patience or the desire to play this game, maybe it's not even worth it to you?

I would love to mess with her head a bit, just to see where it goes, but of course I'm not in your shoes and can't personally feel your frustration.

Just remember, and it's been repeated here numerous times, "you can't negotiate attraction". Your "behavior" will dictate her level of interest in you, no amount of conversation/rationalization about this with her, is going to produce the outcome you want.

She has to feel like you're someone not worth losing, you can't tell her this though, you have to "show" her by not letting her see you sweat. Pretty much behave like a guy who has plenty of options.

 

[MaddXMan]

However, I'm thinking you probably don't have the patience or the desire to play this game, maybe it's not even worth it to you?

No I don't

Just remember, and it's been repeated here numerous times, "you can't negotiate attraction". Your "behavior" will dictate her level of interest in you, no amount of conversation/rationalization about this with her, is going to produce the outcome you want.

YES! But the only behavior I can express to her will be through this breakup, because it's officially coming, and the best I can do is stay cool through it. Because when it's over, it's over. Our paths will not cross again - no mutual friends, etc. Her interest level is fallen or gone, and there's no opportunities for me at this point.

 

[MonkeyButt]

Edit

 

[SecondHalf]

You won't trust her again.
You'll wait for the next "about face!" along with your kids.

If it were only you, then play along and spin other plates, use her.
But ... it's not.

Cut the losses and move on.
This chick has shown her true moral colors.

SH

 

[MaddXMan]

Facebook still shows us "in a relationship"

She's the one that initiated this status in the first place, so I guess I can let it be until she changes hers to single.

If I rush ahead and change my status to single I think I will look like a hurt, petluant child breaking toys.

And I don't want to hear all that "sorry, what happended" comments from my friends.

So just leave it alone until she changes it? (at least, give a reasonable amount of time into going nc, say a week - then change it). What do you think?

 

[SecondHalf]

Opposite of love is not hate but indifference.
Changing it now will give her frame and piece of mind.

Let her change it first or change yours after she goes nutty from the NC.

 

[speed dawg]

Dude, she's NOT playing games with you. If you look at her actions and not words (h*ll, even her words in this situation), she's flat out blunt as can be telling you that she does not value you enough to be your girlfriend.

Detach your emotions. Act like (if possible) you don't give a sh*t about her dating someone else. D*mn dude, this is a pretty good broad to tell you straight up about it.....most girls would just go on the date, cheat, and then deal with you later.

Posters in this forum are getting weak.

 

[speed dawg]

"I understand that I’m backpedaling in our relationship, but I can’t ignore how I feel and I have to be honest with you about this. I’m so sorry that this is happening. I know you’re so mad. I’m not hoping the grass is greener, it isn’t just lust that I feel for you, and I’m not playing games. I’m not sure where or what I should have done differently. I obviously jumped in too fast at the expense of your heart, but this is where I am."

What more do you need to know? Are you blind? She wants out. Ignore all the other BS, it's just excuses for her trying not to hurt your feelings and feed her ego. But at least she had the virtue to be truthful beforehand.

Just make sure you learn from the mistakes you made with her. You will be a better man for it next time you start dating someone.

 

[Findog]

Dude, she's NOT playing games with you. If you look at her actions and not words (h*ll, even her words in this situation), she's flat out blunt as can be telling you that she does not value you enough to be your girlfriend.

Detach your emotions. Act like (if possible) you don't give a sh*t about her dating someone else. D*mn dude, this is a pretty good broad to tell you straight up about it.....most girls would just go on the date, cheat, and then deal with you later.

Posters in this forum are getting weak.

I agree she's not being underhanded and sneaky, but you don't see a problem with being the first to say I love you, the first to propose monogamy and exclusivity, introduce the kids and indicate that she wanted something stable and serious, only to turn around and say she wants an open relationship because some dude gave her the time of day? There's nothing wrong with her actions if they weren't a couple. She has the right to end things if she wants, or propose an open relationship, but it's a d*ck move to backpedal like this when the OP is holding up his end of the bargain.

I think it's normal when you're in a relationship to still notice other people as being attractive, and to be flattered when somebody shows interest, but this chick in her present state doesn't know what she wants and isn't suited for monogamy. It's leading him on that is the problem. She should have never proposed exclusivity and introduced the kids to each SO.

 

[samspade]

Facebook still shows us "in a relationship"

She's the one that initiated this status in the first place, so I guess I can let it be until she changes hers to single.

If I rush ahead and change my status to single I think I will look like a hurt, petluant child breaking toys.

And I don't want to hear all that "sorry, what happended" comments from my friends.

So just leave it alone until she changes it? (at least, give a reasonable amount of time into going nc, say a week - then change it). What do you think?

Just take down your FB page for a while.

It sucks that something that was going so well is now being derailed, but these things usually crop up around the 3 or 4 month mark.

And at least it's out in the open - she told you what she wants to do. She wants to a) have it both ways, and/or b) make you the bad guy if it ends, which it should. Fine - be the bad guy. There's no way you should give her permission to start dating around now, and the mere suggestion of this is insulting.

Remember, when a woman's interest level is high, she will not even allow the mistaken illusion that she's got eyes for anyone else. Sure, she's being up front - gold star for that I suppose - but look at the facts. IL is low or she wouldn't want to date other guys. Plain and simple.

 

[MaddXMan]

I agree she's not being underhanded and sneaky, but you don't see a problem with being the first to say I love you, the first to propose monogamy and exclusivity, introduce the kids and indicate that she wanted something stable and serious, only to turn around and say she wants an open relationship because some dude gave her the time of day? There's nothing wrong with her actions if they weren't a couple. She has the right to end things if she wants, or propose an open relationship, but it's a d*ck move to backpedal like this when the OP is holding up his end of the bargain.

I think it's normal when you're in a relationship to still notice other people as being attractive, and to be flattered when somebody shows interest, but this chick in her present state doesn't know what she wants and isn't suited for monogamy. It's leading him on that is the problem. She should have never proposed exclusivity and introduced the kids to each SO.

Findog I'll give her this, she made a rookie recent divorcee mistake of getting the kids involved in the first relationship that feels right. I was the one who should have known better and slowed that.

It's ok though. I already told my 2 about it and my daughter was fine. She said "I liked her but I wasn't attached to her yet, it hasn't been long enough."

 

[Slickster]

I'm not sure how you acted but why does she keep bringing up how "mad" you are. Have you had any outbursts or displayed anger?

If not, don't let her walk away from this breakup with some notion that you are angry and upset.

Be cool and let her know that you don't waste your time so this is all for the best.

Then actually "mean it". Don't mope around thinking about her. She was a waste of time. Get out there again and explore other options.

 

[MaddXMan]

I'm not sure how you acted but why does she keep bringing up how "mad" you are. Have you had any outbursts or displayed anger?

Nah I was being blunt but in no way was calling her names or anything like that. I think her claims of me being mad were to kind of put me on the defensive, I dunno. It kind of irritated me that she was claiming I was so angry. Probably because she never heard me be irritated or upset before (except when I was getting on my kids about something like any parent).

 

[MaddXMan]

Oh and we spent labor day weekend together on a small trip to Arizona. The whole time was great, she went swimming topless, we had sex a couple times a day, no sign in her actions that she was losing IL (unless I'm totally blind).

Edit: now that I think about it, on the trip she acted normal but never said "I love you" or any lovey dovey thing like that

It wasn't until we got back last Monday and parted ways for our own homes that she started acting distant.

Does not matter now, the situation is what it is.

 

[AMDG]

What do you think?

Ignore her AND the Facebook page.

I had the same experience years ago - a woman initiated contact, sex and everything, even presented me to her coworkers, then one day she simply ignored my calls. She even left some stuff at my place. I promtly ignored her, discarded her belongins, and went on to the next girl. You may do the same.

 

[MaddXMan]

text I got late afternoon today: "I love you, but I can't say that I will never date anyone else. I don't know what to say except I'm so sorry."

I said thanks that's what I needed to know. Let me know when you want to exchange our stuff.



Jeez why did she have to say "I love you."

 

[sodbuster]

Most women[and many men] can't distinguish love and lust... If we had sex, it must be love

 

[MaddXMan]

She texted me over the weekend - "I miss your kiss, the way you would look at me."

I said shouldn't you go out on your other dates before making your decision?

Her: perhaps.

Yesterday I called her and asked if she wanted to meet for a drink today after work. She said sure.

Today she emails and says I can meet you but have an afterwork meeting until 7.

I said that does not work for me. Another time, then.

Her: ok, I understand.

She's playing hot/cold. I've decided I'm not going to be confused by her. I know the sting I feel is only the sting of rejection and not due to the fact I have lost something that can't be replaced or anything deep like that.

I hope she just leaves me alone now.

 

[SecondHalf]

She would leave you alone if you ignored her texts and communication attempts. Responding won't fix things.
Don't waste any more time / heart on this chick, she knows not what she wants.

NC means NC!

SH