HELP! Very insecure and uncomfortable with GF being friends with X [Merged threads]

[whowy04]

Help! Very insecure/uncomfortable with GFs relationship with X

Alright guys, since i've been dating this girl, i've had the toughest time accepting her freindshipwith her X. We are very serious, so serious, she's moving in in a few months. We both have longterm plans and I don't see them changing.

We have countless disaggrements and fights over this guy. Basically, I'm very insecure and I don't like it. I don't see how theres any need to be friends with an X especially when you've moved on and are in love with someone esle. Somehow this girl argues that there is a resaon....basically just to catch up with a "friend."

here's an email she sent to me this morning after we both apologized after a fight last night over him contacting her.

" am looking forward and the only thing that is in the back.....is a FRIEND. NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS. I don't look at him in that way anymore and like I said when I do see him I dont have feelings for him I mostly feel sad that he is so unhappy with his life and won't go see someone to make it better.
All i want is for him to find happiness like I've found and every once in a while talking to him to see how things are going is something that I'd like to be able to do. I haven't seen him since after last Christmas for christ's sake! So do I want to see how things are in his life, yes......because I consider him a friend.

Either way, I still will keep contact at bay and try not to upset you.
"

Sure...I can TRY and let it go hoping it fades away, but honestly i can say that it will ALWAYS bother me to some degree. Do I just trust her, take her word for it, and continue to battle this emotionally? Any advice will be GREATLY appreciated.

Thanks DJs

 

[Lost In Translation]

you need to LAY DOWN THE LAW for this b*tch.

she wants friends ? she can have GIRL FRIENDS

ex boyfriend who fu**ed her again and again and again ?

i think not !

would you let a wolf near your sheep ?

how would she feel if you went over to your ex girlfriends house

and made up $hit excuses to justify her KEEPING HER OPTIONS OPEN

she has not burned this bridge.... she has some cover to run to if she needs it.

take a good hard look at her bull$hit story.

is her ex just going to sit there next to your HB8 and play scabble every time she comes over ?

****HE IS GOING TO TAP THAT A$$ !!!!!****

he is trying the AFC pity sex angle.....

i am concerned because it should be TURNING HER OFF

not making her want to spend more time with him !!!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE ?

remember DJ rule :

It's not what a woman says , it's what a women DOES that matters

her ACTIONS are saying i CAN see my EX and his problems are her cover story ( not a very good cover story )

where there is smoke there is fire !

Put this b*tch in her place !



Lost In Translation

**AUSTRALIAN STREET PIMP**

 

[whowy04]

I understadn your point but...

she doesn't see him, nor want to see him. She hasn't seen him in person since last Xmas. She HAS ignored his calls before...only here or there, does she actually answer/respond to his calls. She's already expressed to him that he needs to stop calling so much b/c its not cool with me and he has stopped calling so much.... so really, its basically about them having a friendship that's based on phone calls.

 

[Lost In Translation]

if she LOVES YOU then she will care more about what YOU think / feel

than about her loser ex

why is she prepared to hurt your feelings over this guy ?

does she really love you ?

tell the b*tch to prove it

why is she prepared to create trust issues in your relationship over her loser ex ?

does she really love you ?

tell the b*tch to prove it

from her ACTIONS she is placing her ex FIRST

infront of your feelings , infront of your pride , infront of everything that a DJ holds sacred

SHE IS ALSO TESTING YOU in my opinion

1. a real man would not accept her bull$hit

2. an AFC would let her " hang out " with her ex till he gets her drunk or just plain old fu**s her when she is straight

GIVE HER AN ULTIMATUM

she either respects your honest and open feelings and CUTS OFF HER LOSER SUICIDAL EX

or you WILL CUT HER OFF

bro, if she cheats on you down the track after you been with her for 6 months - 1 year, it will hurt alot more than dumping her now, YOU WILL BE THE LOSER EX WHO IS SUICIDAL !!!! *think about that one*


Lost In Translation

 

[Lost In Translation]

Quote - whowy04
countless disaggrements and fights over this guy

then

i've had the toughest time accepting her freindshipwith her X

.....

I don't like it. I don't see how theres any need to be friends with an X especially when you've moved on and are in love with someone esle. Somehow this girl argues that there is a resaon....basically just to catch up with a "friend."

somehow ? agaist logic ?

he is not her " friend " he is the guy that used to FU** HER

women talk $hit

when I do see him

********

I don't look at him in that way anymore and like I said when I do see him I dont have feelings for him I mostly feel sad that he is so unhappy with his life and won't go see someone to make it better.

in her own hand writing.

how is his being sad that they broke up....

ok let me say that again, HOW IS HIS BEING SAD THAT THEY BROKE UP

ok ask yourself WHY IS HE SAD.....

if he was a sad basket case before would she have gone out with him ?

HELL NO.

he is a sad AFC now , pining over his long lost love YOU WOMAN.

she feels sorry ?

hmm.... guilty ? she broke his heart she feels she must hold the little puppy dog till he feels all better ?

it could be alot of reasons but thats just what seems to fit


haven't seen him since after last Christmas for christ's sake! So do I want to see how things are in his life, yes......because I consider him a friend.

ok she hasn't heard from him in ages , her life goes on.

but no.... life cannot go on unless she has contact all of a sudden.

best buddies don't dissapear no contact for so long then HAVE TO see each other all the time ? WTF ?

*****************************************
she doesn't see him, nor want to see him.

are you blind ? her email to you says in PLAIN ********

SHE WILL SEE HIM IF SHE DAMN WELL FEELS LIKE IT !
*****************************************

She HAS ignored his calls before...only here or there, does she actually answer/respond to his calls. She's already expressed to him that he needs to stop calling so much b/c its not cool with me and he has stopped calling so much.... so really, its basically about them having a friendship that's based on phone calls.

she takes some calls but not others ?

wow she should make up her mind shouldn't she

oh ok so she ignores the calls when you are around and takes the calls when you are not....

OH I SEE !!!!

and to make it worse SHE TOLD HER EX the phone calls are annoying you !!!

a red flag to a wounded bull !

and he keeps ringing...... hmmm.........

sorry if i am a bit ruff on you, i am just trying to offer another perspective



Lost In Translation

 

[Alen-Delon]

yo Lost in Translation, you need to stop calling other peoples gfs *****ez, and acting like your all tough and shYt... mathafacka you give somo crappy asSS advices... i think its better if you keep em to your self....

peace

 

[Lost In Translation]

Alen-Delon

.....*sigh*....

ok dude what advice did you offer him ?

oh thats right... NONE

you just hijacked his thread to flame me.

PI$$ OFF.

and as for calling his gf a b*tch.

she is ACTING like one. doesn't give a fu** how he feels !

wants her own way, TO HELL with this poor guys feelings.


i can call a lion an elephant , but i'd just be lying.




Lost In Translation

 

[NRM]

Although Lost In Translation is quite blunt about it. He's right.

If she really loves you, she'd care about your feelings. She'd know what makes you uncomfortable and if she cares about you enough, she WILL change. If he is JUST A FRIEND, nothing more, then why won't she give him up to make you happy?

Tell her you don't appreciate it, be willing to walk away, let her know it's business. The truth is, how can you ever be happy with this woman if you have something lodged in the back of your skull and she won't do anything to help you. I'm not saying she will cheat on you, but there are certain things girls will do when they are in love. She should see you as the only REAL MAN in her life and if she won't give up an EX-FLAME for you, then what does that say about how she feels about you?

Tell me I make no sense if you like, but would you give up another JUST A FRIEND for your girlfriend? When a relationship ends, it ends, cut the ties and move on. If she isn't willing to cut the ties, how can she ever move on? This is a guy that she has been intimate with, it makes sense for you to feel this way. Imagine this, how would you feel if she went out with a guy that wasn't an ex? Just a regular 'ol Joe that she used to have feelings for. I think it would drive anyone crazy.

You can go for the not care approach, but the real problem is that you DO care. You want something to happen, you have to go after it. You have to risk losing it all for you happiness. And if she isn't willing to cope, then she doesn't love you the way you think she does. Just tell her, you don't want her seeing her ex. I hate to say it, but put her in the position to choose and be prepared to walk.

There is no point in being in a relationship where you aren't happy. The best relationship is when you work to fufill her needs and make her happy, and where she works to fufill your needs and make sure you are happy. Put your foot down.

 

[whowy04]

Ok

L.I.T., I see what you're saying...but she's not as evil as you're making her out to be.... I do trust that they're friends however, I can't necessarily say that I know eXACTLY why she feels the need to "catch up" with him once and awhile when once and awhile is once a week or two weeks. They were freinds before me...so why should that change now...that's her side i assume...my side, it's killing me to have to deal wtih this and honestly i still dont know what t odo.

 

[Lost In Translation]

ok read NRM's post cause it's pure gold.

you still don't know what to do ?

um... NRM gave you spot on advice.

you know in your own heart what to do thats why you feel so torn apart by it all.

you now have two choices :

1. Act like an AFC b*tch and allow this to continue until she realises ***SHE IS TESTING YOU*** that you are a pu$$y and will allow another man to fu** with your relationship and happiness. She will she her EX continuing to ring her when she has told him it upsets you. She will see you not fighting for her. She will see him as the dominant male. She will chose him.

2. Read NRM's post and ACT LIKE A MAN !

i just hope if this is a test of hers that you have not already left it too late to kick a$$ and have failed her $hit test.

" and honestly i still dont know what t odo. "

my other concern is that you have made a choice. to let her walk on you.

if NRM and your gut tell you exactly what to do why not do it ?

that's right it takes BALLS , grow some.... buy some....

buddy you gotta do this or you will lose her to her ex !

YOU CAN DO IT !



Lost In Translation

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

You guys who say "If she loved you she would..." don't know a d@mn about women. All you are talking about are AFC type wishes.

Here's a secret; women judge themselves by their friendships! Women worry about how they are perceived, especially by ex boyfriends (unless he was a complete @sshole). Even if he was a pr1ck, she still wonders if she could have done something differently that would have had him like her more thus treating her better. It makes no sense but that is how they think in the real world.

For you AFCs who can only handle women who supplicate to you and put you on a pedestal are delusional, open your eyes and look at the real world. I look at it like this, if your game was on you would care less who she say because you would know that if she was stupid enough to mess up your relationship by cheating with another guy, she wouldn't be worth your time.

Come on guys, work on yourselves instead of hoping that women will change for you. Work on your own self esteem, it takes care of any jealousy you may have.

 

[cactus3178]

Oh, wtf.


First, PHAT Rabbit gave some great advice. Read it and re-read it.

People can come in here and say: "DOOD DON't Let hER pLAy You Liek THat!!111!!1" all fucking day, but it doesn't seem to ME like there's anything inherantly wrong with what's going on. I mean, I don't think she's being shady.

Some contradictory advice is given here in this thread:

First:

-A DJ knows he is the prize
-A DJ is not jealous or insecure

Second:

I love it how every time a GF wants to talk to her ex (for any reason) some members go off half damn ****ed saying "OMG, she's sleeping with him for sure".

BS. That attitude SCREAMS 'insecure', 'afc', and 'jealous'.

whowy04's situation is NOT unique. This HAS, infact, happened before in the history of the world. My personal opinion of the situation is to feel it out. It sounds like she's trying to come to a compromise with you, so do it. Just don't get the shit end of the stick. If you feel like she's (actually) playing games with you, take care of it immediately.

It doesn't sound to me like that's the case, but only you know for sure.

Insecurity and jealousy are NOT and NEVER will be becoming of a DJ. You are the prize. If she see's that it doesn't bother you, how will that weigh for you?

BTW, L.I.T, I'm not trying to bust your balls, bro....I'm just saying, that kind of an attitude rings real close to paranoid (IMO) and overbearing. You cannot rule a relationship with an iron fist!!

This may work for getting laid at the club, etc, but when you get into a LTR, you can't act like that and have a relationship last. Think about how you would respond......probably with a big middle finger. I know I would.

Strike a balance, find a gray area.

Just trust your gut.

 

[bud1971]

Although I am a RAFC, LOT and NRM are right on so many levels.

Those of you saying jealousy and insecurity are not part of a true DJ are wrong on two levels IMO:
1. It is rare that men and women can truly be friends, there is always sexual tension or the potential for it.
2. isn't part of a DJ not settling for certain traits in a girl?

A similar situation as this one, that turned into infidelity led me to this site. What is her definition of friend? Having an E.T. to follow her around and build her self-esteem?

Think about it....you are committing your life to her, but she can't completely rid herself of this guy who was not important enough to keep around full-time anyway? Seems odd. I think this is an attempt at control, she sounds like an attention w*****.

You are sacrificing by her moving in, where is her show of commitment and sacrifice?

 

[Maximus_Decimus]

whowy04, Lost in Translation is right on the money. IMHO, based on what you said, it seems like a minor red flag. If she hasn't seen him in person since Christmas, she ignores his calls, and she has asked him to stop calling, those are good signs.

whowy04, it also depends on what phase of the relationship you are in with your GF:

1. If you two are not exclusive and have agreed to date other people, you shouldn't get jealous and you should maintain your cool. Keep dating other women until her jealousy is so high, she asks you to become exclusive (not the other way around).

2. If you two are exclusive and she sees him once, that is a big red flag. You need to put your foot down. Remember, a DJ does not take disrespect.

Chicks like to keep in contact with their EX because:

a) They like the attention they get. The key word here is "attention." It also gives them an ego boost because they know they are still in demand.
b) They would like to have a backup option. In fact, from their viewpoint, the more options they have, the better.

Maximus_Decimus

 

[Maximus_Decimus]

Originally posted by Alen-Delon
yo Lost in Translation, you need to stop calling other peoples gfs *****ez, and acting like your all tough and shYt... mathafacka you give somo crappy asSS advices... i think its better if you keep em to your self....

peace

Lost in Translation gives good insight. He knows his material.

Maximus_Decimus

 

[CaptainObvious#1]

Jealousy is a female trait. If you don't like it tell her, as you have already done, but you don't need to get all stupid and overbaring trying to run her life. Chances are if she has any backbone she will turn around and start trying to do the same thing and that just makes the whole thing worse. It's not like she is seeing the dude everyday and spending hours with the guy. A few phone calls here and there.

For real Lost in Translation. Have you EVER been in a relationship before? A serious one? Because if you have you will realise sometimes you may want to keep in contact with some people because at one time, they were a VERY close person.
Ok, I admit your advice is totally spot on if she was seeing him every other day, but she isn't. You need to calm the **** down.

 

[CaptainObvious#1]

Originally posted by Maximus_Decimus
He knows his material.

Maximus_Decimus

That's the problem. Too many people know their material. The material doens't always suit real life though. It is a rough "estimation". A guide. Not an exact science.

 

[chicksrock]

It really depends on the relationship
If you both are fairly lose kind of people then what she is doing is ok.
If you think the relationship is VERY VERY VERY SERIOUS then I do believe her actions are unfair.

FVCK! Its almost as if you are playing the role of soft, sensative, understanding, new age AFC guy by adjusting and compromising on her bull$hit.

I can almost sense that she is keeping her ex as a backup option.

I agree DJ's should not be jealous or insecure.

But DJ's are also strong men, and if they feel there is injustice against them....they wiill make justice.

I am sorry dude. But you have become needy and AFC upon your girlfriend.....and hence she is throwing this Bull$hit your way because she knows she can....and she is taking advantage of the situation.

Whether it be only one phonecall a year to this ex boyfriend of hers.....to me it is ridiculous and absolutely unecessary.

And dude....whether you are a DJ or not.....all successful relationships are built on trust.....I think this girl is pushing the barriers way to soon......

I don't think you are being DJ and manly and strong enough with your girlfriend....
She feels she has already got you wrapped around her finger so she can call the shots.....

Well she is wrong. You are good enough to make it to this site and seek advice; and now you are going to change things around.
You are going to grab your balls and not tolerate no Sh!t from noone. (Because that is most essentially DJ)

You will assert yourself in the best and most effective manner. (Don't get all emotional on her ...be more frank and cool about it)

I am sure she will listen to you and take account of your feelings.

 

[Lost In Translation]

i will tell you guys where i am coming from.

i had the exact .... MUTHA FU**ING EXACT SAME SITUATION happen to me with an ex gf.

SHE WAS MOVING IN / LIVING WITH ME

her ex started calling her mobile phone ( cell phone )

i asked her what the fu** is going on ?

she says WE JUST FRIENDS then throws a big hissy fit because I DARE QUESTION ....***HIS*** motives !!! and hers !!!

but i went to school with him !

we are just friends !

i get on the phone and tell him not to call.

i check her phone missed calls etc when she not around.

they still talking on the phone even after she said she would stop.

it took a fight with her sister for her sister to be mad enough to come and tell me she had cheated on me twice with this ex bf.

so i got her sister to take me to his house.

he was very afraid but i said to him " mate i just want the truth is what her sister says true ? "

he said yes my gf was with him twice.

i just walked away. yes i could have killed him. he really was more scared by how calm i was.

no he is not worth it. and i been to jail before. Not worth it especially over a HO.

i went and confronted her. she was terrified and in total shock at being caught.

i told her it was over. told her to keep away from me if she valued her safety. and moved on.

yeah it hurt but $hit happens.

i was with her for just over a year and she had been living at my house.

ok don't flame me, but this contact with ex's isn't really acceptable in a long term relationship.

it's too easy for people to fall back into an old pattern ( ex sex )




Lost In Translation

 

[dietzcoi]

Lost in Translation is right

What is with you new age touchy feely types who WANT to let your woman be close to other men?

Woman: "But he's my best friend!"

DJ: Listen, attention wh0re, your best friend needs to be a WOMAN!

Woman are playing all you guys with this "male friends" BS. 99% of the time there is something going on and you are being chumped.

But go ahead and let them have thier male "friends". You'll learn sooner or later.

Dietzcoi