Help decoding this

[steeringclear]

I'm aware of the game and I know most of you dudes are allergic to the idea of settling down and think you've "lost" or whatever. Not really looking for those comments. I've played the game, got a taste, learned about what I truly like and fell for someone that I could truly see myself long term. I never caught "oneitis". I'm always aware nothing is certain, nor do I get upset this considering we are technically over. I know there's more fish in the sea.

The advice i'm looking for is really just trying to understand her mindset, either in case we do end up working out sometime or with a future partner to not fall down this hole again.

We dated for two years, knew each other for 2 years before that. Was very on and off because she would give mixed signals and I would sleep with girls and she would find out and stop talking and them come back. Eventually I just got tired of this whole back and forth, and trying to act nonchalant, because at the end of the day the whole goal for me atleast is to find someone that compliments me, potentially as a life partner. I locked in, pulled instead of pushed, and eventually we started dating.

The relationship was good for the majority. Our "honeymoon phase" probably lasted about a year. Definitely a great moment. Eventually of course, and I know this is where I ****ed up initially, but I got complacent. Only really did things on the special occasions. Didn't really compliment as much as I should, or suprise her with much. She would nag here and there but it was over bull****. Some of this bull**** included how as a man we're supposed to do everything, and how she wants to be a SAHM, and I would fight back telling her that shes a grown woman and can go do things like fill up the car when I can't and i'm working (she said it was a mans job). Eventually she started going out more, and right before I got back from a trip she starts talking about how unfulfilled she is in the relationship but that she loves me and she doesn't mean to hurt me. I get back, we go on a drive to talk, and she turns into this loveable submissive girl, made me almost forget the purpose of the talk. I broke up with her only because I felt she forced my hand and lost respect and love for me. She cried and said she didn't want that. We took 2 weeks, and then we started talking again, went back to normal, and then another argument ensued, and I completely cut it off, removed her on everything and that was that.

Now I guess what I want to know is why do girls do this? She acts like I'm the only one she wants but when I end it, she only cries, but never really fought back to keep me. She kinda accepted it like I was the one making the decision, rather than getting forced to. Of course I'm not the most perfect man, but I truly did love her as much as I could. Also I know almost all of you will say don't get back to her, and I do understand, but I really did want this one to work out. For anyone that has gone through and made it work, how did you make sure she was properly changed? How do you properly reestablish frame and make sure it lasts?

I don't need answers from guys who are 50 and haven't settled down, because they think they need to play the game more and get more 20 year old *****. I find that sad. If there's any mature guys with real answer I would appreciate hearing it.

 

[BPH]

Now I guess what I want to know is why do girls do this? She acts like I'm the only one she wants but when I end it, she only cries, but never really fought back to keep me. She kinda accepted it like I was the one making the decision, rather than getting forced to.

I want you to re-read this section to yourself until you understand that you're the problem here.

 

[steeringclear]

I want you to re-read this section to yourself until you understand that you're the problem here.

Well I do understand that much. It was most definitely my fault. I'm not even sure what I'm really trying to ask either but I am just very confused about the whole thing. Her words said one thing, but her actions were another. I had to walk away from it because I dind't know how to be the person that kept her.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

There are no such things as mixed signals. Only a woman who is not interested enough in you.

Sorry for the bad news OP.

Also as a footnote for the future, if you ever find yourself "on and off" with a woman regularly, she ain't it and you should stop wasting your time with her. Simply means you two are not compatible in a fundamental way.

 

[Sega Genesis]

Now I guess what I want to know is why do girls do this? She acts like I'm the only one she wants but when I end it, she only cries, but never really fought back to keep me. She kinda accepted it like I was the one making the decision, rather than getting forced to...

So if I am reading this^^ right, it was a forced dump based on her poor behavior? And you're wondering why she is not acknowledging and accepting responsibility for her behavior and is content with letting you go and not fighting for you?

If so there is a woman here, @BeExcellent, she has great insight into long term relationships; I am tagging her before someone else does. She may be able to offer some solid advice.

I am also female but I actually suck at traditional LTRs so I probably wouldn't be much help.

There are a few LTR guys here as well who can help.

Sorry about your break up man, good luck.

 

[BPH]

Well I do understand that much. It was most definitely my fault. I'm not even sure what I'm really trying to ask either but I am just very confused about the whole thing. Her words said one thing, but her actions were another. I had to walk away from it because I dind't know how to be the person that kept her.

I'm gonna tag @BeExcellent here because I think she could offer some insight into the female mindset.

As to your original question, I don't think you can get her back, and even if you did, I don't think you'd be happy...

The honeymoon phase wore off, and you realized that this woman was a little bit clingy, a little bit naggy, and a little immature. It sounds like those things bothered you. You might also have taken her for granted, gotten complacent, and thought the game was "over" since you were in a committed relationship.

At least you learned these things about her and yourself before you got married, when the way out becomes an expensive and difficult divorce, rather than simply a breakup. You're young and have spent a good portion of your adult life with this woman. You will meet other women - and now you will have things that you'll screen harder for to see if you're compatible long-term.

The reason I suggest against "getting her back" is because if you think you've lost frame now, you certainly don't get it back by supplicating to her so she agrees to resume the relationship. Because then she has the leverage of being able to walk away and is very likely to weaponize that to get her way. It's the same reason a lot of men don't share sensitive information with their partner, because she's more likely to use that as ammunition in a future fight when things aren't going her way, as opposed to having the solution to your problem.

 

[steeringclear]

So if I am reading this^^ right, it was a forced dump based on her poor behavior? And you're wondering why she is not acknowledging and accepting responsibility for her poor behavior and is content with letting you go and not fighting for you?

If so there is a woman here, @BeExcellent, she has great insight into long term relationships; I am tagging her before someone else does. She may be able to offer some solid advice.

I am also female but I actually suck at traditional LTRs so I probably wouldn't be much help.

There are a few LTR guys here as well who can help.

Sorry about your break up man, good luck.

Yep. Thank you

 

[Sega Genesis]

I'm gonna tag @BeExcellent here because I think she could offer some insight into the female mindset.

Lol I already tagged her!

 

[Sega Genesis]

@steeringclear if I may say something with respect to mixed signals and off/on.

Sometimes in LTRs moods and reactions can bounce back and forth between both of you.

You admit to cheating, her reaction was to end it, but she missed you and you got back together

Which is great however she most likely lost some trust (rightfully so). So she's a bit guarded which you reacted negatively to, in turn SHE reacted negatively to that ....and thus another argument, you break up again and on and on it goes.

I am simplifying it but what I am saying is it's not just her behavior, it's also yours - it's both her reactions/behavior and your reactions/behavior together to establish a rather unhealthy dynamic and the conflict that ensued because of it.

I am not sure how or where it started, you said she gave mixed signals, you cheated and were also complacent .

Have you asked yourself why you reacted to her mixed signals by sleeping with other women and being complacent?

What were the mixed signals you referred to?

I am not blaming you, I am not blaming her either. I am only saying this is a "you and she together" problem.

I think if you try and see it from that perspective versus focusing on HER poor behavior and expecting her to fight to get you back, you may have a chance.

 

[zekko]

Only really did things on the special occasions. Didn't really compliment as much as I should, or suprise her with much. She would nag here and there but it was over bull****. Some of this bull**** included how as a man we're supposed to do everything, and how she wants to be a SAHM, and I would fight back telling her that shes a grown woman and can go do things like fill up the car when I can't and i'm working (she said it was a mans job).

This part interested me because I haven't heard anyone say filling up the car was a man's job in a long time - I did used to hear it years ago, but not not. Lol, when I was a kid the gas station attendant came out and filled up your car. Might even wash your windows or check your oil while you waited - obviously those were different times...

Anyway, I understand your desire to settle down, no problem there. I'm not so sure this is the right woman though. Some females are addicted to drama and will always be starting some. If you have problems now, they seldom get better with marriage. I also question why you want to compliment her or surprise her with romantic gestures all the time. Unfortunately, I've found that sort of thing routinely is the best way to make her take you for granted. If the relationship isn't right, romantic gestures aren't going to fix it.

 

[steeringclear]

@steeringclear if I may say something with respect to mixed signals and off/on.

Sometimes in LTRs moods and reactions can bounce back and forth between both of you.

You admit to cheating, her reaction was to end it, but she missed you and you got back together

Which is great however she most likely lost some trust (rightfully so). So she's a bit guarded which you reacted negatively to, in turn SHE reacted negatively to that ....and thus another argument, you break up again and on and on it goes.

I am simplifying it but what I am saying is it's not just her behavior, it's also yours - it's both her reactions/behavior and your reactions/behavior together to establish a rather unhealthy dynamic and the conflict that ensued because of it.

I am not sure how or where it started, you said she gave mixed signals, you cheated and were also complacent .

Have you asked yourself why you reacted to her mixed signals by sleeping with other women and being complacent?

What were the mixed signals you referred to?

I am not blaming you, I am not blaming her either. I am only saying this is a "you and she together" problem.

I think if you try and see it from that perspective versus focusing on HER poor behavior and expecting her to fight to get you back, you may have a chance.

Sorry maybe worded wrong. I never cheated, but at the beggining of when we met, I continued getting with girls because she wasn't giving me much to work with. Never cheated though, was single at that point.

Also my complacency stems from me being stressed out with other things in life which she knew. I always was there when it counted but it seemed like she wanted me to go above that on random moments

 

[steeringclear]

This part interested me because I haven't heard anyone say filling up the car was a man's job in a long time - I did used to hear it years ago, but not not. Lol, when I was a kid the gas station attendant came out and filled up your car. Might even wash your windows or check your oil while you waited - obviously those were different times...

Anyway, I understand your desire to settle down, no problem there. I'm not so sure this is the right woman though. Some females are addicted to drama and will always be starting some. If you have problems now, they seldom get better with marriage. I also question why you want to compliment her or surprise her with romantic gestures all the time. Unfortunately, I've found that sort of thing routinely is the best way to make her take you for granted. If the relationship isn't right, romantic gestures aren't going to fix it.

I mean I don't care for the suprises and romantic gestures. That's just something she expressed that she wanted more out of me.

 

[Sega Genesis]

Sorry maybe worded wrong. I never cheated, but at the beggining of when we met, I continued getting with girls because she wasn't giving me much to work with. Never cheated though, was single at that point.

Also my complacency stems from me being stressed out with other things in life which she knew. I always was there when it counted but it seemed like she wanted me to go above that on random moments

OK tnx for the additional context, nevermind my post then.

I apologize I can't offer more insight, I don't relate to her behavior in any way shape or form but perhaps again @BeExcellent might have more insight.

G'luck.

 

[Bingo-Player]

You're 24 and sound like you have a tremendous Ego which I suspect is the root cause of all of your problems

Inner work and self reflection is required

 

[Gamisch]

Maybe you should sit down and respect and listen tobthe man who walked the earth twice as long as you did and saw twice as much. Don't ever dismiss wisdom before listening and process said wisdom

Having said that; once a relationship is stained/ poisoned there's hardly ever a way to restore it. You cheated, she probably cheated and thus the both of you know there's " more out there". You say she went out, girl trips ect. Do you know what goes on those nights? I geuss you dont and you probably dont even wanna know...

Always remember that a woman gets pulled from multiple directions. There's always a fresh new guy who shows interest. The best thing a man can do sometimes is take his L, and show w new woman the improved version of himself.

Time to throw this fish back into the water mon ami..

 

[BadBoy89]

I'm aware of the game and I know most of you dudes are allergic to the idea of settling down and think you've "lost" or whatever. Not really looking for those comments.

I don't need answers from guys who are 50 and haven't settled down, because they think they need to play the game more and get more 20 year old *****. I find that sad. If there's any mature guys with real answer I would appreciate hearing it.

Im allergic to settling down and lost the one a long time ago,

My advice is to play the game more and get more 20 year old girls.

I find that happy.

 

[zekko]

My advice is to play the game more and get more 20 year old girls.
I find that happy.

If you're getting 20 year old girls, might I ask how old you are? Just curious.

 

[Clockwerk50]

Why do they do this? Sometimes a woman wants out of a relationship but doesn't have the courage to end it directly, so she gradually creates enough friction, distance, or dissatisfaction that the man eventually pulls the plug for her. That way, she gets out of the relationship without having to be the one who explicitly ends it or carries the guilt of being “the bad guy.” Basically, she creates a situation where you make the decision she already wants made. You can read more about the "killing the puppy" dynamic below.

Please, Breakup with Me!

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Why do they do this? Sometimes a woman wants out of a relationship but doesn't have the courage to end it directly, so she gradually creates enough friction, distance, or dissatisfaction that the man eventually pulls the plug for her. That way, she gets out of the relationship without having to be the one who explicitly ends it or carries the guilt of being “the bad guy.” Basically, she creates a situation where you make the decision she already wants made. You can read more about the "killing the puppy" dynamic below.

Please, Breakup with Me!

Yeah...in that post you linked to, the woman wasn't crying because of what she did. She was crying because she realizes the man she hoped he could be was never going to happen and she finally had to give up waiting.

 

[Barrister]

If you're getting 20 year old girls, might I ask how old you are? Just curious.

I think this was sarcasm directed at OP's initial short-sighted comment about not listening to any posters over 50 who offered advice against his own (limited) views.