Hi everyone,
Sorry for the length. This is half hello-my-old-friends, half frustrated rant, and half self-directed analysis, oh and another half appeal for help/suggestions.
I spent a good part of my teens and early 20's on this website, soaking up as much as I could on self-improvement, conversational techniques, etc. It changed my life for the better, and I found great ways to connect with women in genuine, healthy ways. This website allowed me to present myself in a way that made me more pleasant to be around, and generally more interesting as a person. I owe a debt of gratitude to this community for that.
I am now in my early-to-mid 30's. I've spent about 50% of my 20's and almost all of my 30's in LTRs with attractive, fit, energetic women. To get those women, I played to my unique qualities - a little bit weird, decently but not obscenely fit, prestigious institutional affiliations, great conversation, positive vibe, interest in per personal life, and high energy. This worked beautifully for me in my 20's. I used to say that one date meant two, if I want it.
Now that I'm back on the dating scene, I'm finding that my schtick is either out of tune, or it's just the wrong thing for the women I'm meeting. I find that I have great, pleasant conversation, but that no spark is generated. Something appears to be off from the beginning, and I honestly can't quite tell what it is. My varied and complex life now comes off as odd or strange. Women don't react well to my novelty. Instead, it seems to trigger some confusion and they visibly wrestle with how to respond. I hear things like, "oh... I've never met anyone who has done that before... interesting." Those talking points ued to slay back when I was a student.
Just so it's clear, when I say "they" I'm referring to 6 out of the past 8 dates that I've had in the most recent 3 weeks since getting back out into the dating scene. Lawyers, doctors, physical therapists, and financial advisors, some of whom are far more attractive than me and who obviously take fitness more seriously, have all reacted similarly. In the most recent few dates, I actually started holding back information about myself. It's almost like the more vanilla my life sounds, the better it seems to go. But even then there's only woman one of the past 9 who reciprocated my desire to see her again. This ratio is completely off from my past history. It's causing a real cognitive dissonance for me. My expectations about how dates will go are no longer matching reality. The women I have met are WAY better at deflecting and appearing interested in conversation without being romantically interested. They have very controlled body language and a fantastic conversationalists. But Something IS Missing.
What is missing? My grooming isn't great - it's good but not great. I cut my own hair and my eyebrows need work I guess. My physical fitness isn't great (I'm thin and fit but it doesn't show when I wear long sleeves because I'm very slender). So I guess my active lifestyle isn't so obvious. I am not the kind of guy currently who women see and would say to themselves, "that guy knows how to ****," that's for sure. There were brief times in my life when I've had that, and it has made a LOT of difference. TWICE out of the past 9 dates I've caught a women I'm with checking another guy out. TWICE. Perhaps that's what I need to do. I know that this website (at least when I was on here before) emphasized development of psychological factors like charm and conversational skills, but we all need to meet some threshold of physicality to even have a chance with a woman. I know that statement is absolutely true for men, myself included! A woman has several hurdles to cross with me, and the first is absolutely physical. If a woman is not physically attractive to me, it doesn't matter what the **** comes out of her mouth... I am not ever going to speak to her again except to let her know that I'm really busy if she even bothers to follow up (and the ugly/fat ones always do). Why would I expect a woman to be any different? An obviously-fit body, a career, decent grooming, and good conversation are my baseline. So why should I expect any less from these women? Maybe I need to take a break from dating for a while, and take all of my would-be energy for going on dates to become physically more fit.
There's this little voice on my shoulder from my time on this site that also tells me that plenty of women don't really care much about my physical proportions, and they respond well to charm, wit, ****y/funny attitudes, and playfulness. Well I'm ****ing old now and my energy isn't what it used to me. I've never been witty, and I've never been terribly funny. I'm extraordinarily professional successful, but I am not wealthy and won't be if I continue in my career path, so I can't even flash money around like it's no big deal. If being a great conversationalist was the only thing keeping me going in my 20's, then it sure as **** has become the baseline in my 30's, and I'm going to need to find something new. Maybe it's physical, maybe it's mental, I'm just not sure.
Just as a side note, what the **** is it with women allowing me to pay all of a sudden? In my 20's that **** was unthinkable. Women never just let me pay. Now, every single date that I've gone on, I've offered to pay (almost always coffee only or one drink) and the most pushback I've gotten thus far was a delayed, half-hearted offer followed by a sincere thanks.
Geez, I'm glad there's a forum for older people to discuss these things. Thanks for the opportunity to rant on here for a bit and clear my head after a terribly wonderful, pleasant and engaging date with an extremely attractive physician who is definitely not going to be following up to let me know if she's free this weekend.
Sorry for the length. This is half hello-my-old-friends, half frustrated rant, and half self-directed analysis, oh and another half appeal for help/suggestions.
I spent a good part of my teens and early 20's on this website, soaking up as much as I could on self-improvement, conversational techniques, etc. It changed my life for the better, and I found great ways to connect with women in genuine, healthy ways. This website allowed me to present myself in a way that made me more pleasant to be around, and generally more interesting as a person. I owe a debt of gratitude to this community for that.
I am now in my early-to-mid 30's. I've spent about 50% of my 20's and almost all of my 30's in LTRs with attractive, fit, energetic women. To get those women, I played to my unique qualities - a little bit weird, decently but not obscenely fit, prestigious institutional affiliations, great conversation, positive vibe, interest in per personal life, and high energy. This worked beautifully for me in my 20's. I used to say that one date meant two, if I want it.
Now that I'm back on the dating scene, I'm finding that my schtick is either out of tune, or it's just the wrong thing for the women I'm meeting. I find that I have great, pleasant conversation, but that no spark is generated. Something appears to be off from the beginning, and I honestly can't quite tell what it is. My varied and complex life now comes off as odd or strange. Women don't react well to my novelty. Instead, it seems to trigger some confusion and they visibly wrestle with how to respond. I hear things like, "oh... I've never met anyone who has done that before... interesting." Those talking points ued to slay back when I was a student.
Just so it's clear, when I say "they" I'm referring to 6 out of the past 8 dates that I've had in the most recent 3 weeks since getting back out into the dating scene. Lawyers, doctors, physical therapists, and financial advisors, some of whom are far more attractive than me and who obviously take fitness more seriously, have all reacted similarly. In the most recent few dates, I actually started holding back information about myself. It's almost like the more vanilla my life sounds, the better it seems to go. But even then there's only woman one of the past 9 who reciprocated my desire to see her again. This ratio is completely off from my past history. It's causing a real cognitive dissonance for me. My expectations about how dates will go are no longer matching reality. The women I have met are WAY better at deflecting and appearing interested in conversation without being romantically interested. They have very controlled body language and a fantastic conversationalists. But Something IS Missing.
What is missing? My grooming isn't great - it's good but not great. I cut my own hair and my eyebrows need work I guess. My physical fitness isn't great (I'm thin and fit but it doesn't show when I wear long sleeves because I'm very slender). So I guess my active lifestyle isn't so obvious. I am not the kind of guy currently who women see and would say to themselves, "that guy knows how to ****," that's for sure. There were brief times in my life when I've had that, and it has made a LOT of difference. TWICE out of the past 9 dates I've caught a women I'm with checking another guy out. TWICE. Perhaps that's what I need to do. I know that this website (at least when I was on here before) emphasized development of psychological factors like charm and conversational skills, but we all need to meet some threshold of physicality to even have a chance with a woman. I know that statement is absolutely true for men, myself included! A woman has several hurdles to cross with me, and the first is absolutely physical. If a woman is not physically attractive to me, it doesn't matter what the **** comes out of her mouth... I am not ever going to speak to her again except to let her know that I'm really busy if she even bothers to follow up (and the ugly/fat ones always do). Why would I expect a woman to be any different? An obviously-fit body, a career, decent grooming, and good conversation are my baseline. So why should I expect any less from these women? Maybe I need to take a break from dating for a while, and take all of my would-be energy for going on dates to become physically more fit.
There's this little voice on my shoulder from my time on this site that also tells me that plenty of women don't really care much about my physical proportions, and they respond well to charm, wit, ****y/funny attitudes, and playfulness. Well I'm ****ing old now and my energy isn't what it used to me. I've never been witty, and I've never been terribly funny. I'm extraordinarily professional successful, but I am not wealthy and won't be if I continue in my career path, so I can't even flash money around like it's no big deal. If being a great conversationalist was the only thing keeping me going in my 20's, then it sure as **** has become the baseline in my 30's, and I'm going to need to find something new. Maybe it's physical, maybe it's mental, I'm just not sure.
Just as a side note, what the **** is it with women allowing me to pay all of a sudden? In my 20's that **** was unthinkable. Women never just let me pay. Now, every single date that I've gone on, I've offered to pay (almost always coffee only or one drink) and the most pushback I've gotten thus far was a delayed, half-hearted offer followed by a sincere thanks.
Geez, I'm glad there's a forum for older people to discuss these things. Thanks for the opportunity to rant on here for a bit and clear my head after a terribly wonderful, pleasant and engaging date with an extremely attractive physician who is definitely not going to be following up to let me know if she's free this weekend.