Master Don Juan
- Dec 16, 2015
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You were having a rough go a year or so ago. So pleased and happy you have progressed so well. I had a very emotionally cold narcissist mother. She never said “I love you” and she always said I was selfish (I was a child for crying out loud!) and she constantly said I would never amount to anything. If I failed at something she would gloat. Awful. But she herself was sexually abused and so she was legit fvcked up. There were times I thought of suicide. You bet. To escape and not feel that gnawing pain, the loneliness even in the company of others,Silent, cowardly and wicked abuse. Committing these acts against a child who has no idea what he is dealing with is disgusting.
Thats true. Also cognitive dissonance, post-traumatic stress disorder and a series of mechanisms to try to protect yourself or escape from distress.
The longer I stay away from it all, the more my mind becomes clear. I still have a lot of flashbacks, some somewhat painful insights. But it is as if I am rebuilding a new "self" within me. And it seems that my real "self" has been suppressed for all these years, to meet my father's illusory and impossible expectations.
It was 1 year now in May. A lot has changed for the better.
Professionally speaking: I had started a business in the area of designer, I ended up taking a job earlier this year. I acquired experience and now another company has made a better proposal. I will earn a little more, and I will acquire much more knowledge in this challenge. Despite wanting to have my own business, I found myself in a situation where I needed to at least pay my bills. So for a while I believe that I need to go through this, even to acquire more maturity. I broke my father's fallacy: "You will never be able to make money outside of my company. Do you really think anyone would hire you the way you are?"
On the personal side, I am becoming more assertive and confident. I'm not the most confident guy in the world, but I respect myself a lot more than I did before I left that. It is something that has been extremely important to me, as I lived in fear of displeasing others and often failed to say no in certain situations that I felt I was disrespecting myself. Funny that when you learn to say no ... People at first seem to get angry, but in the end they end up respecting you more. Not that I speak in an arrogant way ... I always try to be polite, even if I have to say no or disagree with something.
I have not yet lost the amount of weight I would like. I improved a little, but there is still a lot to work on in this regard. However, stress and depression are less frequent than before.
In terms of romantic life, I am choosing to be with women who feel a certain connection and who have values and principles aligned with mine. That thing about picking up and having sex with naughty women or anybody, I'm literally dropping it. Challenging, but when I spend my time with people I feel connected to, I also feel more respected.
The same goes for friendships.
I've been evolving a lot, but I still know that there is a lot to heal. Certain wounds still hurt and I believe that only time can soothe.
But like you I found the strength to bear up and get on with it. I developed in myself intrinsic self love. I relate ENTIRELY to the people pleasing behaviors. Like you are learning now I had to arrive at a place where I say No when that’s what I really want. I choose self respect and it feels good, solid to love myself in that way.
Also like you I seek connection in my relationships. Although I pick men who are scarred. I pick men with backgrounds similar to mine. These are damaged men with deep scars of their own. Those are often the ones who develop into players & playboys as a means of external validation. Narcissists themselves (which I am also accused of from time to time)...but in a way those are my people. And because we share similar wounds it creates deep bonds. Those are the men, screwed up as they are, who fall for me.
They don’t so much let me in as I recognize them for what they are. I see the deep pain & the wounds. I sneak into their soul before they realize I’m in. I healed myself and learned to love myself (as you are doing in your journey) and there is something in me that wants to help them learn to heal themselves. It is very difficult because often they are running from the pain.
Not realizing the only way to deal with it is to grapple with it.
I grapple with my pain. That is what life is. But I sleep well at night knowing I have loved myself and others each day. I am kind and do not hurl insults because I remember what it felt like to be invisible and be put down by my own mother. I cut her out of my life years ago. Best decision ever for me and for my children. Biggest HELL NO I ever said & did.
It has made me very very strong and resilient.
But I also find meaning in caring for others and in pouring myself out. It’s part of why I contribute here. It’s not about being a chick on a men’s forum. It’s about giving of myself for (hopefully) someone else’s benefit. It is part of what creates meaning in my own life. I try to give solid advice around here. I do my best in real life to be a great friend and good company. I love as unconditionally as I can (and that sometimes gets me in trouble) but I also tell the hard truths. That’s not always easy or pleasant. But
In the end all we have are the connections we build with others. Embrace it & love yourself.
I like what someone said about suicidal thoughts being a call to change. I find that resonates with a certain Truth. I needed to read that today.