Handling Xmas/New Years single

[Heretolearn]

Hey,

Please post all your suggestions/ideas.

Some will be useful for New Years, whilst the Xmas can be handy for next year.

Single, 29 and working in small mining town. Anytime can be great single of course but I feel obligated to spend time with my family at Xmas. What hell. All the others have wives or kids or both. I may as well be a leper despite being ridiculously successful relative to everyone else there except my cool Uncle.

My achievements/life is lost in the midst of conversations centred around who is getting married next and who is having another child. So I stay silent then am lambasted for being quiet.


Gah, anyway to actually enjoy it. Or anyone else experience something similar? I love my family. They are great but I feel like they have not kept in tune with how I have developed and changed ESPECIALLY my mentality towards women/marriage etc.

using such guilt trips like, you wouldnt understand, you dont have a gf or kids. Even my cool Uncle sided with the women and his wife has put up a sign saying the woman is always right blah blah. I am so dissapointed. How does that happen. My uncle was the coolest when I was younger. He would take me to McDonalds and the mall and start conversations with girls for me ha ha (smooth not seedy way. He was just cool)

 

[Rounder]

I broke up with my girl a week ago yesterday, so I'm there with you.

Just don't worry about it. A girl doesn't define you - you already know that.

Family - share this time with them, yeah they might annoy you (doesn't everyone feel that way?) but they are your family and as you grow older you'll enjoy them more. Life isn't always about the next 2 minutes.

Most people are consumed with their own life, just as you are. Your family doesn't see your changes...but do you see any of theirs?

Does it matter if they know how you feel about women/marriage? Are they selecting your girlfriends or wife? Didn't think so.

Good luck man...use this time to self reflect a little, grow a little, be more than you are. Thrive!!

Hope your Christmas was great and have a fantastic New Year's Eve and New Year!

 

[Poonani Maker]

Yeah, I got the cold shoulder from "church" family - couldn't be with my natural family 1000 miles away because of work only 3 days off.

A few would not even look me in the eye for the first 100 minutes. After a while, after having eatin my ridiculously excellent Rum cake, they warmed to me. Then after SEeing me and witnessing a Strong physical specimen with both fvckin feet planted Firmly on the ground, in his own mind, in his own frame, they loved having me around. I realize that Eventually, most people, I don't care where, Will come around to me, who opens their eyes, unless they've got such a pre-planned indoctrinized mindset Not to let me in their clique no matter what, either out of jealousy or just flat out false perceptions of me i.e. blatant disrespect. No one can disrupt my frame these days at 34, after all I've been through mentally/physically.

 

[Crow]

I really feel what you're saying. Approaching the end of my twenties, I have all the trappings of success (excepting the fact that my very specialized business is in the heart of our economic ****storm and my previous superstar status is suffering a little). Women are no trouble except that there are too many to deal with.

It sounds like you were really close to your Uncle. I was also with mine and watched him die a painful slow death a few years ago. That was really hard. If the only problem you're really facing is an incongruity between your outlook and your family's expectations of you, hold your head high. Talk to your Uncle. If he's cool, he'll understand. Appreciate that you still have someone like this and try and appreciate him as a peer now that you're older. It's one of my regrets that my Uncle and I didn't have more time to share that type of relationship.

 

[squirrels]

Honestly, if you can't find a single soul to relate to in that town, you might want to consider expanding your success elsewhere.

Do not let stupid people bring you down. Do not sit there and say, "How can I handle Christmas and New Years? I'm the only non-moron here...I wish I was more of a moron."

Your success is a gift given you for a reason. Don't waste it trying to be like everyone else. Your success should not preclude you from sharing love with your family, but if they ridicule you for it, then they are not fit to BE your family.

 

[Heretolearn]

Some great points. Many thanks

- Rounder - sorry to hear about the break up. Hope you at least saved on Xmas presents

Good point about noticing changes - yes I do. That is the point. My uncle was such a leader and still is. If anyone else talks, it is superficial junk. My uncle tells great stories and has deep morals/values. Yet due to his failing health, his wife and daughter control him. Do this, do that. He asked me to show him how to create a pdf (he is 67) and his wife/daughter told me don't bother, he will just forget. So I showed him (good quality time) and then had him write directions plus I am going to film the process just in case.

I do understand the challenge of being a carer. Such a shame his health his failing.

- the worst was with my Mum. Outside the usual expected pressures to get married and have kids (she is very religious), it got to the point of her and my step dad in the car with me driving to a restaurant. She would not stop nagging about how to drive. Looking like a scared rabbit etc despite my flawless driving record in 12 years. I am far from perfect but her erratic behaviour was dangerous. I asked her to be quiet several times to no avail before I erupted saying 'shut the F*** up'. My mother did not speak to me for several hours and then eventally only had to say *after breaking down to cry in front of everyone 'my son told me to F off, I raised him well. I don't know what happened. Dear God, please do not let him treat other women this way'.

This is the same persion to whom I once confided that my gf and I had an abortion. She looked at me and said 'you killed my grandchild' and we did not speak for months.

I do appreciate that your family will be your only true allegiance in life but my goodness, this is getting ridiculous and I truly do not enjoy my visits (I do not even get to speak/answer. Everyone else just speaks about nothing).

Gah!

 

[Falcon25]

In America, you are defined by three things as a man (unfortunately). First, what you do, how much money you make in it. Second, what kind of girlfriend, wife, you have on your arm. Third, what kind of car you drive. It's just the way society is.

 

[Splendidostring]

it's fu cking xmas ! Who cares if you get laid or not! Well if you get laid good for you but it's not required. Enjoy the moment and that's it.

 

[mrRuckus]

I do appreciate that your family will be your only true allegiance in life

Where did you get this idea?

 

[squirrels]

I have told my mother to be quiet. I would not tell her to "Shut the f**k up". You don't have to like your family. You don't have to spend time with them. But you ought to respect the sacrifices they made to raise you, whether you personally agree with them or not.

 

[Heretolearn]

I have told my mother to be quiet. I would not tell her to "Shut the f**k up". You don't have to like your family. You don't have to spend time with them. But you ought to respect the sacrifices they made to raise you, whether you personally agree with them or not.

Yes my choice of words were not the best but as I explained it escalated. I used your option first several times to no avail.

I do want to get to know them and for them to get to know me especially before it is too late.

 

[Heretolearn]

Where did you get this idea?

My family repeat it often. It is their mantra. Eg. At Xmas, when X lost his job he turned to his family, when Y was divorced she turned to her family....

 

[Heretolearn]

*deleted double post

 

[Jitterbug]

....I may as well be a leper despite being ridiculously successful relative to everyone else there except my cool Uncle.

My achievements/life is lost in the midst of conversations centred around who is getting married next and who is having another child. So I stay silent then am lambasted for being quiet.


Gah, anyway to actually enjoy it. Or anyone else experience something similar? I love my family. They are great but I feel like they have not kept in tune with how I have developed and changed ESPECIALLY my mentality towards women/marriage etc.

using such guilt trips like, you wouldnt understand, you dont have a gf or kids. ....

What did you expect? People to trip over themselves in awe of your pure awesomeness?

Sounds like you are having a hard time because you're desperately seeking validation from them for what you do and have done (kinda natural to expect it from your family though), and subconsciously they sense this so they're not giving it to you.

If you are capable of going your own manly way, just do it and don't expect cheerleaders.

A tip to deal with your neurotic mother (from how I dealt with mine): do not take her seriously. Else she'll drive you crazy!

 

[Heretolearn]

What did you expect? People to trip over themselves in awe of your pure awesomeness?

Sounds like you are having a hard time because you're desperately seeking validation from them for what you do and have done (kinda natural to expect it from your family though), and subconsciously they sense this so they're not giving it to you.

If you are capable of going your own manly way, just do it and don't expect cheerleaders.

A tip to deal with your neurotic mother (from how I dealt with mine): do not take her seriously. Else she'll drive you crazy!

solid post!


* I do get your point but yes I would love to have a harem of cheerleaders (not from my family though)

Its more so just BORING listening talk about nothing. I did have a better opportunity today by speaking to My Uncle 1 on 1. He was stand offish for a chat but he was watching sports so I sat with him and chatted. His wife even brought us food and tea. Completely different. I wonder if it is because the family is largely dominated by women so they just had the frame/power/direction of the interactions at Xmas. My mum has 2 sisters and one brother who has passed.

 

[Rounder]

Something else - Don't try to change people. It won't work. Don't try to change girlfriends and don't try to change your family. Don't try to get them to see "your way" of doing things, they will raise eyebrows and roll eyes.

My dad used to try to give me food all the time to take home with me. Stuff I hated, I didn't want it. I'd argue with him about it. Finally I stopped and just took it with a smile. On the way home I'd toss it out the window. Made my life a lot easier and it made him happy in his last years.

Was your mom a helicopter over you as a child? Sounds like she might have been and it sounds like you've *almost* broken free of that. Don't tell your mom to F off though, just not necessary. Speak your mind, confidently, and then stay true to your word. You will always be her little boy no matter what you do and that's ok. Once she's gone...she is gone and that's one less person who will love you (nearly) unconditionally. Last time I checked those kind of people are in short supply. Humor her and adapt your strategy of dealing with her to something less tense and less stressful. She gave you life and (in some way) helped you become the man you are today. The time will come when her health will fail and she will need you. You will step in and see that her needs are met because that's the kind of son that you are.

Enjoy the rest of the holidays.