Guys, is this a rebound relationship?

[onitalways]

So I started dating this great girl that I knew vaguely from a college class last year. We'd had a couple of convos in our class and seemed to get along. I really wanted to ask her out. Anyway, a little time goes by and about a month ago, she adds me on Facebook.

We start talking a lot of there and have a number of late night chats, really in depth talking about our shared passions and we have loads in common! I asked her out and we went for coffee one day, then on a separate date we went for drinks and a film. By our second meeting, we were having sex. The sex has been hot and heavy and pretty wild. We are now meeting up all the time and everything seems to be going great. I'm falling for her big time!

Until I find out about a week ago that she's only just come out of a relationship. Infact, it's hard to say exactly how soon she's come out of it, but from what she's said it was only about a week since she broke up with him that we started seeing each other! Her relationship with the ex was a fairly long one (she said 3 years), it was quite a messy ending and they've broken up twice before (and got back together).

She's very sexually forward and pretty wild, lots of dirty talk on FB too. She's said that she sees us as soulmates and that we were "destined to meet each other." I'm falling for her like crazy and think the same way. Had kinda given up on love (I'm a bit older than her and she's mid 30s).

So I'm concerned that I'm the rebound here. She's mentioned him a few times (not by name), but felt the need to tell me that he'd been contacting her to try and get back together. She assures me she's over him and that it was his "actions and responses" that caused the breakup in the first place.

Very unsure here, guys. I know they aren't seeing each other, and she seems convinced she's over him, but can she be this soon!? Can women really move on from a serious 3 year relationship this fast!?

 

[betheman]

you are soul mates already??? sweet....yet you know so little about her past, you sound hooked already so the dont get hooked line is a bit too late.
but yeah, its rebound

 

[onitalways]

Well she mentioned soul mates first, but I agreed. We are literally spending as much time with each other as we can, getting to know each other and discovering what we've missed in each other's lives all this time.

It's been a mixture of VERY lovey dovey stuff (from both ends), combined with lots of dirty sex talk aswell. The dirty sex talk is mostly instigated by her, as I'm not super comfortable with that, tbh.

She says she really wants to make this work. She says things like, "it's early days, but I've never felt so comfortable with someone as you. This is unlike any relationship I've ever been in and better. You are special to me. thanks for being you."

I've never known any relationship escalate this fast. We are not young people, bare in mind. We both have kids and have talked about meeting the kids already. I'm worried that kids might not get on, though.

She's said that she doesn't see this as a rebound. She left him. I felt like it was a rebound when she mentioned how short time ago her breakup was, and I stupidly asked her if she was going to breakup with me!

I know I've been a bit AFC, but she seems cool with it, and I've honestly never felt this way before. Not this quick, anyway. I'm divorced, so don't want to be hurt again. Hence why I'm asking here.

Another thing, she's not very into holding hands and kissing (PDAs and stuff), but seems to like it when I do it.

 

[betheman]

I've never known any relationship escalate this fast. We are not young people, bare in mind. We both have kids and have talked about meeting the kids already. I'm worried that kids might not get on, though.

thats a red flag to me, a woman just out of a relationship and with kids, who is sane and stable, would not propell herself and kids headfirst into soemthing so quickly, deeply and so fast

 

[onitalways]

I know, that IS a red flag. I admit, and that's why I'm posting here as I'm a little worried.

Still, maybe this IS a one in a million sort of relationship. Almost love at first site. Maybe it's unlikely, but can never be counted out.

She's very sexual, especially in the bedroom. I'm not sure I'm as well versed to the kind of variety she's used to. She's almost dominant in that way, and I'm worried that I'm compared to the ex.

There are also little things. She doesn't ever really bring him up directly, but she'll say things about like a TV show she used to watch but now can't. It seems to me that this is a "fill the hole left by the ex" thing. But I jump into that hole without thinking - I'll get that show/film/series for you!

She says she's completely over him. That she broke it off and that they've broken up twice before that (I think one was her ex breaking it off and one was her breaking it off). She says they just don't work together. That the last breakup was over a serious argument they had and his rudeness and disrespect. She doesn't talk about him much. It's not like they're still in contact now. They had some messages back and forth (basically him wanting to get back together with her) and she said he'd been quite rude and nasty in the messages). When I said I was worried about him, she said it's all about US now and she wants to make it work.

She says other things like about how she's never been so comfortable or secure with anyone - I used to be a bit of a hard dude in my day! We seem to have hit it off so fast and just really became one with each other from the first date. Never experienced anything like this.

She is also REALLY interested in basically everything I'm interested in (even things that I wouldn't expect girls to be into). Not to mention SUPER giving and generous - with cooking and the bedroom department. I've never known a girl like this and I'm really falling for her.

 

[betheman]

have you ever heard of the term love bombing? google it

 

[onitalways]

have you ever heard of the term love bombing? google it

I just googled and it looks like a tactic used by cults. Is there anything directly related to my situation?

 

[betheman]

is also a tactic used by some Borderline personality disordered women, unstable, suck you in and spit you out. If I were you id tread carefully, onbviosly your gut senses soemthing isnt right and that is why you are here. Id do a little digging around her past and relationships as well

 

[moneyisking]

I know, that IS a red flag. I admit, and that's why I'm posting here as I'm a little worried.

Still, maybe this IS a one in a million sort of relationship. Almost love at first site. Maybe it's unlikely, but can never be counted out.

Sorry to break in to you buddy but I see a repetitive mirroring behaviors that me and countless other men have done in the past. "Maybe she is different". I don't know how many times in the face of obvious signs and truths, I blindly believed and convinced myself that in HER case, it's different, and THIS situation is different.

Well, it can be, but objectively speaking, it's not. Best wishes.

 

[Plutoman]

My ex did that to me. We dated for nearly 3 years, but she was a real nutcase. She broke up with her fiance about a week after meeting me to get with me. Saying she was done with him and etc.

She really was done with him, but as I said - she turned out to be a real crazy person. Sweet girl, smart girl, loved playing video games, was a lot of fun to be around, real kinky, but she was a total BPD and it drove me into needing counseling by the end of it. Eventually things went south and I couldn't figure out why they were like that. I wondered where all the fun times went, as it was just constant stress.

 

[onitalways]

A few other things: we have plans on V-Day and she said she already brought gifts a while back for me. That's pretty cool.

She doesn't show any signs of being unstable or not sane. She works in pysch.

She is constantly planning things for us to do. Like, "I'm going to do this for you, "We're going to go there" "Do you want to do this on..." Lots of future events we have planned. I thought that was a pretty good sign, but maybe not?

If this is a rebound realtionship, why would she be rebounding?

To prove to herself (or her ex!?) that she can be in another realtionship?

To prove to herself that she HAS to move on? Afterall, she has broken up with her ex twice before and they have got back together.

Or to get over the hurt of the relationship?

She says she doesn't still have feelings for her ex. She also says she's not hurt and doesn't have hurt from the breakup. She said it was a bit messy, but that was it. I guess all breakups are a bit messy?

 

[youngmack]

Bruh shes tweakin. Shes a bpd and we all know it. You know it too but your just tryna rationalize this whole thing. Bpds like to get in relationships and fast and they also end just as fast. She isnt stable and has too much baggage. just use her as a fb and find someone else.

 

[moneyisking]

dude it seems like you already decided in your mind what you are going to do about her, so why are you keep asking? If you think this is going to work out, I wish the best for you, and hope it will work.

 

[onitalways]

Bruh shes tweakin. Shes a bpd and we all know it. You know it too but your just tryna rationalize this whole thing. Bpds like to get in relationships and fast and they also end just as fast. She isnt stable and has too much baggage. just use her as a fb and find someone else.

Yeah you might be right. But if she's like that how was she able to stay in a relationship with her ex for 3 years?

 

[youngmack]

Because he was treating her like doodoo. He caused her emotional fluctuation

 

[betheman]

Yeah you might be right. But if she's like that how was she able to stay in a relationship with her ex for 3 years?

what she said happened and what actually happened maybe many miles apart! she has kids, are they his? any abuse in her past? how are things with her parents? any drug/alcohol abuse?

 

[onitalways]

she has kids, are they his?

Not the ex's that I'm talking about here. They are kids from a multi-year marriage before the ex I'm talking about here.

any abuse in her past?

Nothing that she's mentioned.

how are things with her parents?

Doesn't speak too kindly of her parents. She kind of puts them down. Haven't met them, so not sure what they're like.

any drug/alcohol abuse?

Has experimented with drugs in the past. Nothing too heavy, and nothing more than lots of people when they were younger. Drinks socially and quite a bit. Is a smoker.

 

[Slick Mick]

She is definately a BPD flake!!!!! Take it for as long as you can get it without becoming emotionally attached. The sex will be some of the freakiest you've ever had as long as you push the envelope, but you will crash and burn sooner than later no doubt about it, so dont get emotionally attached. Heed the warning; THERE IS NO FUTURE WITH HER!!!!! Hit it and quit it.

 

[youngmack]

Yeah just reread my post

 

[Die Hard]

She's a BPD nutjob, there is no doubt about it. I know you are not convinced of this yet, you just see it as POSSIBLITY at this point... It is very important that you lose your doubts and see it for the truth, because you are walking into a minefield RIGHT NOW and need to turn around quickly before you head in to deep and there will be no way to get out of it safely anymore...

Start educating yourself on the subject right now:

http://sosuave.net/forum/search.php?searchid=1760990
http://sosuave.net/forum/search.php?searchid=1760992
http://sosuave.net/forum/search.php?searchid=1760993


These guys were right when they said:

just use her as a fb and find someone else.

Take it for as long as you can get it without becoming emotionally attached. The sex will be some of the freakiest you've ever had as long as you push the envelope, but you will crash and burn sooner than later no doubt about it, so dont get emotionally attached. Heed the warning; THERE IS NO FUTURE WITH HER!!!!! Hit it and quit it.

But their advice doesn't apply anymore, coz you are already emotionally attached, you are already in too deep! Take a moment and do the following thought experiment:

Try to imagine how you would feel if this woman would suddenly disappear from your life completely this moment. No response to your emails, no response to your calls, she isn't at her home when you go there, her family doesn't know where she is either, she's just gone forever *poof*
Try to really, really imagine this as lively as you can and see what impact that would have on you emotionally. This should tell you just how deep you're in already...

I know how you're feeling right now, this woman is putting you in a state of extacy, you are inside a sweet, warm and fluffy dream. It would take a gun to your head to voluntarily step away from it.

But what you have to understand, is that the pain and sorrow that's about to hit you in a while (it's not a question of if, but when), is gonna make you WISH you had stepped away from that fluffy dream when you could... I'm not kidding you, man. Many of us have been there, I have personally been there several times. I assure you it is NOT worth it, no matter how incredible the feeling she is giving you right now, you will seriously regret it if you don't step away from it now.

Going back to what I suggested earlier, the thought experiment about imagining very lively how you would feel if this woman were to completely disappear from your life all of a sudden... Well, I'm not sure what the outcome of that was for you, but let me assure you that the feeling it brought you, is gonna be 10x worse for you after the BPD cycle has run it's course. And then that feeling is not just gonna be there for a short moment, as with the thought experiment. Nope, it's gonna be there all fvcking day, for weeks or months.

Stepping away from her now, is gonna hurt. I know you are already emotionally attached, man... But if you step away now, you will get off with a flesh wound. However, if you choose to stay with this woman, you will eventually end up with your arms and legs torn off.

So educate yourself on the situation you have stepped into and then safe yourself by getting the hell away from this woman...