Guys, is this a rebound relationship?

[onitalways]

What about my posts has led to the BPD diagnosis? I'm not being funny here, I really don't understand what in my posts has triggered that diagnosis from you? What specific things about this girl indicate that?

Okay, if she is BPD (and I know that gets mentioned a lot here), what could potentially happen?

You mean she could go back to her ex?

Why would she go back to her ex when she says to me she's over him and moved on? I know women don't always tell the truth, but she seems convinced and tells me she wants this to work. After all, they've broken up two times before (albeit got back together again). Still, why go back to this guy? Maybe she's addicted?

I often read that you're meant to believe a woman's actions, not her words. Well she's saying she's done with him and she's with me not him. So there are actions and words.

She did tell me that she'd messaged him about a death in his family. But I think that's pretty standard and nothing to worry about?

Definitely worried about the ex, but things are going well with me and her.

She has told me that her ex seems to think that this has been happening too fast. I don't know how he knows, I think we might have been seen in the city together and word got back to him. Well I don't think it's a drama, but she's saying things like, "It's nothing I can't handle, but I just wanted to tell you what';s going on with him because I don't want to come across on edge tomorrow and ruin our day. I'm just a bit pissed off for being accused of things I haven't done, so if I come off as quiet or emotional tonight that's why."

Clearly she's still got issues and feelings going on for this guy? Am I right?

She also said: "I know that I can be a little emotional sometimes and a little closed off sometimes. You make me feel great and so special. I know you're more into showing emotion than I am, but I really want to make this work."

Is this normal after 2 weeks of seeing each other?

 

[ralphpetersen]

Having been there i can tell you, women in this situation can be very very convincing about being done with the ex (when the ex comes up in conversation, he is still very much on her mind and she is still emotionally attached). I dont think they are malicious. They just badly want to believe they are over their ex. But I dont think anyone will convince you that the situation is no good so good luck. But you will get hurt. Badly most likely.

 

[onitalways]

Thanks.

I mean, they've apparently broken up twice, so maybe they ARE done. But I understand 3 years must be a lot of emotions and wounds (maybe?) that aren't easy to get over so soon.

She has told me that he has tried to come back to her since their breakup, and she told him no they can't be together. Apparently, the breakup happened when she thought he had broken up with her. She considered that him breaking up with her. He then tried to mend things, but she told him where to go. So technically she's the dumper? Dumpers don't normally go back to the dumpee, right?

I don't think she's that angry with him, but who knows. She is generally calm and serene, chilled out girl. She is always helping people with their problems and is extremely generous and giving of her time and self. She's not your typical drama queen or high maintenance that's for sure!

 

[rapsta]

Double post.

 

[onitalways]

Not saying I can't live without her or anything. It's just that it's come on so fast and, like I say, I've never known anything escalate this fast. Seeing each other's kids within 2 weeks - is that normal?

What about her marriage of 10 years? This is the ex before the ex I'm talking about here. She was married for a long time (and in a relationship for a long while before they got married). Can one of these BPDs be able to stay in a marriage that long? If they're all as crazy as they seem from what you guys are saying in this thread, how come she was able to stay in a marriage for that long?

I have to say that she has mentioned numerous breakups from that relationship (the marriage). Not sure whether they broke up WHEN they were married, but they definitely broke up a number of times (just piecing together different stories that she's said). But, yeah, multiple breakups and getting back together.

I'm worried that this most recent ex is another situation like above? Maybe those sort of guys can better deal with this sort of girl?

 

[betheman]

She has told me that her ex seems to think that this has been happening too fast. I don't know how he knows, I think we might have been seen in the city together and word got back to him. Well I don't think it's a drama, but she's saying things like, "It's nothing I can't handle, but I just wanted to tell you what';s going on with him because I don't want to come across on edge tomorrow and ruin our day. I'm just a bit pissed off for being accused of things I haven't done, so if I come off as quiet or emotional tonight that's why."

Clearly she's still got issues and feelings

She also said: "I know that I can be a little emotional sometimes and a little closed off sometimes. You make me feel great and so special. I know you're more into showing emotion than I am, but I really want to make this work."

Is this normal after 2 weeks of seeing each other?

IS THIS NORMAL??? in her world maybe, I think you are in at least a degree of denial over whats happening, you are not seeing the full picture here, you are blind and being drip fed info. he knows about you and her but you know next to nothign about him...let the games begin!!!!

 

[Die Hard]

What about my posts has led to the BPD diagnosis? I'm not being funny here, I really don't understand what in my posts has triggered that diagnosis from you? What specific things about this girl indicate that?

Okay, if she is BPD (and I know that gets mentioned a lot here), what could potentially happen?

I'm not gonna write up post after post after post, discussing each and every little detail for days, trying to convince you. Sure, I could point out certain details from your story that lead me to believe she's a BPD nutjob. But since you don't know anything about the matter, you'd then just ask me "But why do you think those specific details are signs of BPD?" Etc. etc. etc.

Click the links I provided (if they don't work, do a search yourself for "BPD", "borderline" and "cluster b"). Educate yourself on the subject and find out for yourself whether you're dealing with one of those women.

But I guess you prefer to be stubborn and refuse to educate yourself, thinking it's a waste of time... Am I right?

Suit yourself!

 

[onitalways]

I'm not ignoring these warnings. I'm trying to learn. I couldn't get those links to work, Die Hard. But I have read up a lot of BPD today and see some comparisons between her.

Update: We spent long periods of the day together today. We're talking about the V-Day plans. Everything seems to be progressing well. I've decided to do some volunteering at her place of work - she pushed for this, too.

You're right that I don't know that much about the ex, but I do know a bit. I really don't think it's like you suggest - that I'm being drip-fed info and that he knows everything. They have mutual friends, so it wouldn't be hard for him to find out details of what's going on. Plus, it's a small city, so easily seen and news travels fast.

I know that he's considerably younger than me (I'm older than her, too). I get the impression they wanted different things in life, at this stage of their lives. At the end of the day, she's with me and not with him. She had a chance to go back to him (he wanted her to), but she turned him away. She says it's over between them.

 

[onitalways]

Then why the fvck did you make this thread?

Well all along she's said it's over between them and she's moved on. But, in reading around, I see so many examples of women saying that and not meaning it. So many cases of women saying one thing and meaning another.

That's why I made this thread to get advice from you fine men.

One of my biggest fears is that if I break things off, she'll just jump back to the ex anyway!! She's already mentioned him in conversation.

 

[Plutoman]

This is going to be a lesson you'll only have to learn the hard way.

Honestly, I wouldn't think too much on the ex. I'd be more concerned with the BPD.

As I said, in my experience, the girl was over the guy after she had control (ie, he wanted her back). These are not necessarily conscious behaviors, either.

 

[onitalways]

I am taking all this advice onboard, though. Okay, I haven't broken it off with her like some here are saying. But, still, I know my option better thanks to this thread and at least I know a bit more about personality disorders now.

I think I'm just worried about the ex as he's come up in convo, and I've been hurt before. Not to mention the fact that they've broken up before and got back together. I also have read that exes get back together quite a lot.

 

[Plutoman]

I'm well aware you aren't going to break it off with her. I dated my ex for 3 years, and I would not have listened when someone said anything against her. I put up with way more **** than I ever should have, though, when I look back. Even with that, I still care and have to resist the urge to get back with her (I broke it off with her, and she's now wanted me back).

Watch for the signs, educate yourself, I wouldn't bring it up to her, and guard your emotions. You should also still strive to meet other women, and flirt with them. You don't need to pursue them, or anything of the sort; but it'll help reduce the impact of anything going wrong, and help lower your tolerance for tests that get brought up against you, which could be 3 months down the line or 2 years down the line.

 

[onitalways]

Hmmm...I've asked about the ex tonight to try and clear this up once and for her. Here is what she said about it all:

"It was a long relationship that we had, we have had similar problems before broken up and then got back together. It's really nothing to be concerned about. Thing is, I just don't want you to think I'm keeping anything from you. Also, we're not a rebound relationship. It's more than that and better than any relationship I've ever been in."

I hadn't mentioned the idea of a "rebound." That was her words.

I then said it sounds like things have been a friendly split for you, then? She responded with words to the effect of:

"Well I suppose things were a bit chaotic. Still from my perspective things were over form the night we had the argument. He's always been someone who you can say same thing multiple times to and he chooses not to hear it. I'm really happy with where we are, though. I never contacted you in the hope of a relationship but the more we hang out the closer I get to you and everything seems so right and comfortable. Like I said, I think we're soul mates."

 

[pdx1138]

I wouldn't just dump her for the sake of it, but do tread with caution.

You know what to expect, so be on the lookout for it.

 

[onitalways]

I looked at her phone today (I know! But she left it right in sight when she went to the bathroom). There was a message on their to her ex (about a week ago) and it was telling him she didn't want him back. However it also said stuff about "you were very special to me" and "I loved you" and saying that the argument was what made them split.

Basically what she has said to me that made them split, but I'm worried about the "very special to me" stuff etc.

 

[Die Hard]

Yes, you are clearly very worried... And you should be! A girl who just came out of a 3 year relationship, dives into a new "relationship" after only ONE WEEK. Do you really think her feelings and attachment and all, that have been created during a period of 3 YEARS, are just gonna disappear in ONE WEEK?!

At the same time, she is convinced that you have nothing to worry about, that the two of you are soulmates, that you were "destined" to meet etc. This means she is LYING! A person cannot just leave a 3 year relationship behind, as if it never happened, and be convinced that some new guy she just met, is her soulmate. So she's lying to you or lying to herself or both at the same time, but she is lying either way.

Let me tell you something: I have been trying to forget my crazy ex after I broke up with her. I know she is no good for me and I will never go back to her, even though I know she wants me back. And man, I've had a very special time with her and had developed pretty strong feelings for her. It is very tough for me to let go of that. So what do I do??? I try to replace her with a new girl, I try to erase the memories of my ex by experiencing happy times with a new girl. I am VERY DRIVEN about this, I try to re-create what I had with the ex, take a new girl to the same bar I used to go with the ex, sit there, talk, laugh and hold hands, just like it was with the ex.
Sure, I like that new girl and I do enjoy those moments, but my MOTIVE for it is really to forget about my ex.

Your girl is doing the same thing. She wants to forget about that other guy and is FORCING herself to believe that you and her are perfect together, coz that will wipe out the memory of her ex. If the short relationhip she has with you was just 'okay', it would not be able to erase the thought of her former relationship. Obviously, it CAN'T! Sharing your life with another person for 3 years, having all those shared experiences during good times and bad times, that can't just be replaced by a new guy in a few weeks, even if the new guy is the greatest guy on earth. What do a few weeks mean?? They cannot possibly create the kind of bond that is created during a period of 3 years!

Deep down, she knows his. But she is just trying to close her eyes for that and is trying to create this dream she is having with you. She is trying to convince herself that somehow, this short time with you is SO INCREDIBLY SPECIAL, that it is able to wipe out those 3 years with the ex.
She is trying to convince herself and she is trying to convince you (coz if BOTH of you feel that way, it MUST be true, right? ). And you're naive enough to fall for it, you are just eagerly jumping along this fake fairytale.

Well, let me tell you brother...this pretty soap bubble the two of you are living inside of at the moment, is gonna burst in a while and you are going to fall on your ass HARD!!

The girl is not over her ex. No person can be, just a few weeks after a 3 year relationship. That's just not how emotions work, the emotions and bond with another person take time to erase. But even if a person isn't over an ex yet in emotional regard, that person can at least leave his ex behind rationally and act accordingly. Which means going NO CONTACT.
When a person is really committed to moving on from an ex, really dedicated to moving on from the ex, then that person will break off all contact with the ex.
But she isn't doing that either. Hell, she's even writing him words of AFFECTION. Yes, in the past tense, saying what they "had" was special and that she "loved" him very much. But the message is unambiguous, these words are displays of affection. And one doesn't say those hings to an ex when one is really comitted to moving on. Those words of affection have a strong effect on the ex and it will cause him to hold on to hope, it wil cause him to keep trying to win her back.
If the bytch is really convinced that you are her soulmate and the two of you are destined to be together etc. then she would break off all contact with the ex, just leave him in the past and focus on YOU. But she's obvously not gonna do that...

So yes, you should be worried! It's your heart on the line here, your emotions. Did you do the thought experiment I did earlier? How did that turn out for you? Your earlier reply was the reply from someone who is trying to evade the question. Saying: "It's not like I can't live without her" Oh, so you won't die if she suddenly leaves you and returns to the ex? Wow, that's great, you will still be alive! Nothing to worry about, then... Except for the fact that when you are alive you can still feel A LOT OF EMOTIONAL HURT.
Don't try to be a tough guy, convincing yourself that you'll be able to easily move on if she would drop you on your ass and return to her ex. You need to be worried about this situation, it's your heart on the line here...


On top of all this, there's the BPD threat. The situation with the ex is reason to be very worried, but as if that's not enough, you also should be worried (perhaps even MORE worried!) about the possibility of dealing with a BPD.
Just in case you haven't learned enough from reading threads about it, these women have turned some of the greatest DJ's on this board into an emotional mess, as if they had been raped up the ass by a big black d!ck in jail or something. I'm talking about SERIOUS emotional trauma!


So I'm glad that you say you're worried, man! But those are clearly hollow words. You say "I'm worried" but you fail to take ANY action! It's like someone walks up to you with a knife in his hand and a mean look on his face. Your friends tell you to start running but you just keep standing there with your hands in your pockets. They yell at you: "Are you crazy?! Get away from that dude, don't you see the danger?!" but you reply: "No, I'm not crazy, I'm just trying to learn more about this guy." Again, the friends tell you to run or at least DEFEND yourself, asking you if you don't see the danger...and you go: "Yeah, I am worried about this guy..." But nevertheless, you still just keep standing in front of him with your hands in your pockets....

Look at your own behavior, moron! You should be seriously worried here and you SAY you are, but in the meanwhile::

Update: We spent long periods of the day together today. We're talking about the V-Day plans. Everything seems to be progressing well. I've decided to do some volunteering at her place of work - she pushed for this, too.

Great going, man! Just keep blowing up that pretty soap bubble you're living inside of, even though it's gonna burst in a while... Oh, and while you're at it, why not add some PATHETIC WHITE-KNIGHTING, SUPPLICATING and PEDESTALIZING, by volunteering at her work!! And here's the kicker: You think it's a good sign that she pushed for this!! (yay, she is involving me in her personal life, so that must mean I'm special!)

What a fool you are... But at least you're worried, right?


You clearly have no idea how women, love and relationships work, nor have any idea how to protect your own heart. I hope you will after this sad affair has ended...

 

[onitalways]

Thanks for the dose of reality, Die Hard. I needed that.

I am taking steps to protect myself. But, no, I haven't dumped her.

Here's the thing, though: she DID message him randomly without him contacting her (I saw on the messages). But that message was because of a death in his family. I thought that was fair enough. If she was going no contact with him, then surely death is a reason to break no contact? That message was very caring...it wasn't just "sorry for the loss," but was saying how she hopes he's okay as can be and to take care...even left a kiss at the end. So, yeah, I AM worried about that! Still, I feel guilty about being pissed off about reading that as the ex just had a death in the family!

She hasn't messaged him since then (a few days ago). They have broken up TWO TIMES before, don't forget!

You have me even more worried now. What signs to look out for if she is still attached/in love with her ex?

 

[Vidrio]

Just dump her dude. You're doing all this for a girl you've known a couple weeks? You need to get a grip. There are plenty of other women out there who aren't fresh out of a three year relationship and possibly BPD.

 

[pdx1138]

not yet....free poon in the meantime...

 

[Die Hard]

You have me even more worried now. What signs to look out for if she is still attached/in love with her ex?

There is no need for signs... People who have shared a relationship for 3 years ARE still attached to each other so soon after the breakup, there is no question about it. You don't need any signs to know that...

But you need to quit thinking about her ex and start focusing on the BPD stuff. You are putting all your attention on the whole 'she might go back to her ex' matter and therefor completely avoiding the BPD matter.

WHETHER SHE GOES BACK TO HER EX OR NOT IS IRRELEVANT!!!

SHE IS A FVCKING BPD AND SHE IS GONNA DESTROY YOUR SOUL IF YOU CONTINUE THIS RELATIONSHIP!!!

So no more questions about the ex boyfriend and how to deal with that. I will not give any response about that matter anymore and I urge all other members to do the same.
It is totally leading you away from the BPD matter, which is really the only thing you should be worried about.

You need to get your head out of your ass and start realizing what she is. You need to get the fvck away from her!

Watch this, it's a great analogy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikq0P7U0x4Q&t=33m12s













Everthing is perfect and beautiful at first. Then some early signs start to show but people are still happy and unsuspecting of what will come. They actually think the situation is funny and interesting, they laugh about it!! Then the tide becomes surprisingly strong around their ankles and it starts flooding on the beach. So they walk away at a normal pace at first but withing seconds they are running for their LIVES and they're involved in the biggest natural disaster in recorded history!

That's how it goes with the BPD's as well. At first things seem perfect and beautiful, you are totally unaware of any danger. You suspect nothing, especially since things are so blissful at the current time!
People are inclined to believe that disaster presents itself gradually, as if the tide slowly shifts over from happy times into bad times. As if there will emerge some small arguments between you and your partner first, which then slowly grow out into bigger arguments over the course of a few weeks or something, to finally end in serious fighting and breaking up.

But with BPD's, the shift happens literally in one conversation, or even one moment. Just like that, in one single moment, a complete 180 degrees turnaround takes place and you move from total bliss to total hell. It's just inconceivable and surreal, you can't believe what's happening right in front of you and it puts you in total shock.

So it's good that you're taking steps to protect yourself, but I fear those steps are not nearly enough to protect yourself. Just like those people were thinking they could simply walk away from the beach as the water was beginning to rise...then the water became a strong wave in literally SECONDS and suddenly they had to start running for their LIVES!

You must think I am exaggerating, but I'm not. Keep reading the threads about BPD... You said you have already read some about it and saw a few comparisons with your woman. Keep reading, find more comparisons and find out just how destructive these relationships can be.