Guilt feeling

[Mustache]

Have any guy here ever dealt with guilt feeling because of cheating ?

After months of therapy I found out that my wife has never cheated on me
I learnt how to talk to her and she turned out being a very honest woman

Now it’s being very hard to me to deal with myself

I cheated on revenge for reason that never happened

Mustache

 

[penkitten]

the only way to make those guilty feelings go away is to forgive yourself.
telling her and begging her to forgive you might save your relationship, or whatever the therapist says about it... HOWEVER forgiving yourself is a whole different story.
forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things a person could ever learn to do. most people never figure out how to actually do it. they think they have, but then the guilty feelings come back. so you must continue to forgive yourself.

 

[Mustache]

forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things a person could ever learn to do.

Very good advice
But every time I try to do it, a question comes up in my mind

"Is it fair to forgive myself ?"

 

[jonwon]

Very good advice
But every time I try to do it, a question comes up in my mind

"Is it fair to forgive myself ?"

Is it fair?

What sort of question is that to ask poeple on a forum, only you really know the answer and this is based on your beliefs, now one can present the options to you and you can waigh them up:

1. You tell your wife, this could result in your wife:
Either forgiving you, but this always and i mean always will come at a big price to you and the relationship.
2. She will leave you.
3. you try to get over this and keep things smooth in the relationship, what your wife does not know can not hurt her.
4. You cant get rid of the guilt and are wracked by it due to the love you have for your wife, you keep it inside and be haunted by 'your' internal demon.


The way i see it, if you love your wife and the relationship, is it ok and fitting to tell her and in that possibly hurt her? If she does not know and can never find out, what is the problem?

the problem seems to me totally infused in you, for some reason the guilt is a product of a certain chain of thought.

Now why do you think this is, why do you feel guilty about not telling your wife? and what are your beliefs?

For example a christian may be wracked with guilt for destroying marriage vows, e.t.c does this play a part for you?

Also you say your wife did not cheat, well she did something you clearly was not happy about, now why is that missing from the post? A better idea would be to illustrate why you cheated.

Now you thought she was being unfaithful, well there are more ways then one to be unfaithful in my book that does not just equal sex.
There is something called by some, an emotional affair, where by a man and women spend all there time together and fill in the gaps they dont get from a marriage, this can be taken to mean 'doing things with the other partner they could do with the husband/wife, but choose the other one', this is not for say 'catching a movie that you hate' and her male buddie likes, this is for example, setting up dates and choosing the other man/women over you and vica versa. Emotional relationships are very much as harmful as sexual ones imo, since the other partner is aware of them and they are hardly covered up as the partner doing the emotional relationship stuff thinks they are doing no wrong, when in fact they are placing another person of the opposite sex in a higher degree then there actual partner. But there is a fine line, for example your partner having lunches with work mates at work, or there is going out with jim again on a weekend whilst your looking after the kids, but its ok there not shag*ng.

Anyway i know as animals having multiple partners is more natural then forcing oneself to just one partner, one partner requires one put up a dam of support to try to block out advances from others around us and sadly some peoples dam or supports for that dam just aint that strong, or certain things in a relationship just keep chipping away at it.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Have any guy here ever dealt with guilt feeling because of cheating ?

After months of therapy I found out that my wife has never cheated on me
I learnt how to talk to her and she turned out being a very honest woman

Now it’s being very hard to me to deal with myself

I cheated on revenge for reason that never happened

Mustache

Therein lies the problem with reacting to situations instead of following your internal compass. I'm willing to guess that you would not have gone out and cheated on your wife if you hadn't assumed she was cheating on you.

Unfortunately, instead of staying on that path you decided to get even. Yeah, I'm sure you understand that now but this is a good lesson to not to go against your nature with your actions. Funny that you wouldn't be having this feeling of guilt if you were a cheater at your core. There's a lot to be said about being (and staying) authentic.

 

[speed dawg]

1) Go look at this guy's previous posts.

2) Notice this relationship is fukked up beyond belief.

3) You have to clinically sane for any logical advice to help.

4) Mustache, you're on your own. I sense alot deeper problems than what you share on this board.

 

[woods]

If I remember correctly. this is about how years ago, your wife TOLD you she fvcked, "Mr. BIll" , because, she loved him. You guys never talked about it, and she never said she didnt do it, so you cheated on her to get even.

Even if she didnt really do it, her telling you she did, and NEVER taking it back, is just as bad as cheating, because she hurt you and let you be hurt. You had the same pain inside you as if she really did it.


I still dont understand how you just let that go for years and not talk to her about it. Im not saying revenge cheating is right, but I understand.

How do you know she didnt do it? Didnt she straight up tell you she did? Or are you just going to believe her ten years or so, later?

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

1) ...
3) You have to clinically sane for any logical advice to help.
...

So... What are you trying to say????

 

[speed dawg]

So... What are you trying to say????

I'm saying this guy, and his wife, are whack-jobs. They either shouldn't be together or they have some other type of fukked up bullsh1t going on that shouldn't be discussed on his forum.

 

[azanon]

My question runs along the same lines as jonwon's; whats the source of your guilt Mustache? I'm not asking what you did to feel guilty, i'm asking why you're living with guilt.

Guilt is a weakness, not a strength. 1. Identify the source; where it originated. 2. Snuff the life out of it.

Your action didn't send you to months of therapy, otherwise we'd have tens of thousands in said therapies. Your deciding to self-impose guilt did. I'm not perfect either, but I can assure you, I'm not beating myself up!

The day everyone else is perfect, and you are the only one guilty, then maybe you can justify beating yourself up. Until then, welcome to a flaw-filled life otherwise referred to as humanity.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

I'm saying this guy, and his wife, are whack-jobs. They either shouldn't be together or they have some other type of fukked up bullsh1t going on that shouldn't be discussed on his forum.

Oh, just wanted to be sure that you weren't holding back your opinion...

 

[azanon]

I think self-imposed punishment is wacky too. There's not a dam* thing logical about it.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

I think self-imposed punishment is wacky too. There's not a dam* thing logical about it.

Haven't you heard? It's cool to suffer, especially if you do it to yourself! I think it's the people who suffer the most who are given the most leeway pertaining to accountability.

 

[azanon]

Haven't you heard? It's cool to suffer, especially if you do it to yourself! I think it's the people who suffer the most who are given the most leeway pertaining to accountability.

I'm dense when it comes to subtleties, so do you mean, for instance, like the various actors that have been doing this, like Mel Gibson? If so, i'm thinking, pleeeezeee, give me a break Mel or whomever. The only thing these guys are sorry for is getting caught, lol.

Back to his situation, he hasnt been caught yet, so jeebus- just forget about it. The successful affair is the undiscovered affair.

 

[Mustache]

...There is something called by some, an emotional affair, where by a man and women spend all there time together and fill in the gaps they dont get from a marriage...

JonWon

Your words fit to me

My guilt feeling was because I cheated on revenge and then regreted because found out that they did not make out
But now I know how this emotional affair hurt me

I did not even now what an emotional affair meant

She did not respect me during this phone emotional affair
She was bound to call Bill in the very damn day I was home

Mustache

 

[squirrels]

Very good advice
But every time I try to do it, a question comes up in my mind

"Is it fair to forgive myself ?"

If you say it is.

But you've got another issue...sitting around placing blame doesn't do anything to resolve the problem. It just makes you feel like sh!t. What you SHOULD be doing is asking yourself what drew this new woman into your experience...and what it says about what you want and how happy you are with your life.

Ask yourself, "What is the lesson this experience and these feelings are trying to teach me?" Learn that lesson, and that's the best thing you can do with it.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

I'm dense when it comes to subtleties, so do you mean, for instance, like the various actors that have been doing this, like Mel Gibson? If so, i'm thinking, pleeeezeee, give me a break Mel or whomever. The only thing these guys are sorry for is getting caught, lol.

It's just easier to be in an emotional, suffering state and to look for pity and empathy rather than taking ownership for the situation you are in if your choices and actions contributed to it.

 

[azanon]

It's just easier to be in an emotional, suffering state and to look for pity and empathy rather than taking ownership for the situation you are in if your choices and actions contributed to it.

Oh yeah sure, i agree with that. No matter how much you scre* up though, better to live than to have not lived at all. So i'm saying not taking at least the calculated risks is perhaps playing it a little too safely.

For me, i've found a dash of risk is like a little bit of spice on that dish called life.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Taking risks are fine although calculated risks are a bit better. None the less, being accountable for your choices, learning from them and making adjustment as necessary builds a bit more character than playing the victim role.

 

[Mustache]

That's Very odd

I woke up this morning more remorseful than ever

However, I remember that I had dreamed last night I was chasing chicks
In my dreams I am a player as I used to be before regretting

Mustache