Gottman on how LTR's solve issues

[tesla8520]

Interestingly, Fry says she would have imagined that the best relationships would have a high negativity threshold, meaning they'd be focused on compromise and would bring up an issue only if it was "a really big deal." But in fact, the opposite is true.

"The most successful relationships are the ones with a really low negativity threshold," writes Fry. "In those relationships, couples allow each other to complain, and work together to constantly repair the tiny issues between them. In such a case, couples don't bottle up their feelings, and little things don't end up being blown completely out of proportion."

Happy couples, then, tend to have more positive interactions than negative ones, and thus are more likely to give each other the benefit of a doubt. When there is an issue, they're more likely to bring it up quickly, fix it, and move on.

Basically to keep a healthy LTR, Fry imagined that "Dread" would work, but instead it's actually the contrary: what in reality, doesn't work.

 

[justaroundthecorner]

Best relationships are full of minor fights and addressing issues before they will go out of proportion.

If man is afraid if addressing issue, he is not in a healthy relationship. The same goes for woman. Compromise is not something that is always worked out by common understanding w/o any discussion whatsoever.

 

[BeExcellent]

Agree. The problems start building when conflict avoidant people do not articulate what bugs them. The molehills then grow into insurmountable mountains.

You gotta speak up and air the little stuff out so it doesn't become big stuff.

 

[tesla8520]

You gotta speak up and air the little stuff out so it doesn't become big stuff.

Best relationships are full of minor fights and addressing issues before they will go out of proportion

Exactly. We wonder if the way this is done matters or not.
You see couples arguing about every little thing every day.

 

[BeExcellent]

Exactly. We wonder if the way this is done matters or not.
You see couples arguing about every little thing every day.

The way individuals handle conflicts in their relationships matters. In fact it matters a great deal. If there is a small problem and it needs airing then how that information is conveyed makes a difference.

This is where the importance of communication skills kicks in.

 

[jhonny9546]

This is where the importance of communication skills kicks in.

This is interesting.

Infact, do you guys think Gottman books and thinking it's actually a good thingh for LTR and couples or your everyday relationships in general?

It talks about getting into "non violent communication", so after you learn that you can start making boundaries in a healthy way, then He talks about criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling and how you should never use those in your LTR.

But think about that you would never use those in your personalrelationships too?
That would make a better life IMHO.

And those are just hints, there are many other things to learn from Gottman and the Love institute but we would love to discuss about wheter those teaching are really there to make your life better or just to buy their books and materials..

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Basically to keep a healthy LTR, Fry imagined that "Dread" would work, but instead it's actually the contrary: what in reality, doesn't work.

Not surprising at all really.

If you only have massive, blowup fights once problems get to a boiling over point, you will secretly build up resentment and anger towards the other person over a long period of time which makes you feel negatively about them, pretty much all the time.

Then when you do fight, it will be explosive and likely will end with both people saying things they regret in the heat of the moment that deeply wound the other person, possibly permanently, and are things you can't take back once you say them.

 

[BaronOfHair]

@tesla8520 "Happy couples, then, tend to have more positive interactions than negative ones..."

Remarkable!!! In other news, The Justice Department has released statistics indicating that bodega you're thinking of opening is LESS likely to be targeted for armed robbery every other day, IF:

You open it in an area of town that isn't rife with Section 8 dwellers

 

[tesla8520]

Not at all surprising really.



If you only have massive, blowup fights once problems get to a boiling over point, you will secretly build up resentment and anger towards the other person over a long period of time which makes you feel negatively about them, pretty much all the time.



Then when you do fight, it will be explosive and likely will end with both people saying things they regret in the heat of the moment that deeply wound the other person, possibly permanently, and are things you can't take back once you say them.

So, do we have any examples?
Of course there are...

Scenario A: On Saturday, he goes out in the morning to play soccer with his friends, leaving her at home with their son. She tells him she won't be home for lunch and comes home late. So he comes home at 6 pm, and she's a little furious and asks him, "Where have you been all this time?" in an angry tone.

The next day, she goes for a run in the morning and comes home at 10 am. He tells her that next Saturday he'll be out for a while, and she asks, "So, you'll be out again, and what time will you be home?" "Are you going to do it like last Saturday again?" in a fed-up and resigned tone.

Scenario B: On Saturday, he goes out in the morning to play soccer with his friends, and he tells her he'll be back at 6 pm, meaning she'll have to look after the baby alone. When he returns at 6 pm, he tells her to take a break and that he'll watch the baby until dinner.
The next day, she goes for a run in the morning and comes home at 10 a.m., and he tells her he'll do the same next Saturday, if she agrees.

In this case, in scenario B, the dynamic is much clearer, even in the absence of an argument.

An example of a small argument that comes to mind is when there are misunderstandings between couples, and they start to raise their voices, and they use the Four Horsemen that Gottman describes, which lead to the death of relationships.
Arguments must be handled in a specific way, and this depends on the person's communication style.
In the couples I observe, arguments almost always involve one of the Four Horsemen.
In your experience, have you had the opportunity to observe how these impact the relationship?

For example, if there was an argument because a glass of milk fell on the floor and the glass broke, a dynamic with the Four Horsemen would be "You're always the same," or "Now clean everything up," or "Did you break the glass too?!" While in a dynamic without the Four Horsemen, it would be "It could happen, did you hurt yourself?", "Be careful with the glass, do you need help cleaning?"...

So it's not the "argument" itself, but the "how" you argue that's very important, and in many couples, the Four Horsemen are always present, so my yardstick for evaluating whether a couple is healthy or not is also to remember this.

I'm curious to hear from you.