Girls behavior while single indication of girlfriend material?

AFC_Schism

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(posting this from a buddy's account that he doesn't use anymore)

This is a little bit of a wall of text, but its a pretty big deal to me and any advice would be more than welcomed.

Basically i've been talking to this girl casually for about a month - we're both going to school in texas. She's fun to hang around with but there's something that I can't really place my finger on about her - it's like she's either just really shy or just there's something off about her. We've hooked up a few times, but haven't had sex. We both went back home for winter break and she lives about 3 hours away so we haven't seen each other yet, but we text every day. I usually have to keep the conversation going when she texts me, she's a bad texter, (but she always texts me first - and she texts me every day - I never really initiate it) but she's really... hard to open up to. It took a while for her to open up to my jokes and sense of humor, which at first I mistook for that she wasn't interested, but apparently not. A lot of the time it takes her a long time to respond to my texts and when she does 1/4th of the time they're like one or two words.

I don't think we really have so much chemistry together - like we don't vibe as well as I have with other girls - but she keeps pursuing me. She'll text me and tell me she misses me and asks when I'm coming to visit. She's attractive and I am beginning to warm up to her, but I feel like she's almost started to copy my personality - like she was a blank canvas almost when we first met and shes started to develop the same kind of humor, etc. She has trust issues so it could just be that. However, there are a few things that make me wonder about her:

- She talks to other guys, a lot. Lots of guy friends, but she has some girl friends.

- She says that she's only slept with one guy before, given that she does hang out/date around a bit I found it hard to believe but I'll suspend my disbelief. I'm almost sort of inclined to believe her because I tried to go further and she wouldn't have any of it and my buddy did as well and she wouldn't go for it.

- Back when we were first talking (like within the first week) she took me out to her sororities event (ended up staying at her place 3 nights in a row that weekend) that next week my grandma passed away and I had to go out of town for the funeral. I found out that she ended up hooking up with one of my friends. I can brush that off because we didn't really know each other then, it was still casual, and I'm not positive she knew I was friends with the kid.

- My buddy starts talking to her too, but she gives him the cold shoulder and she keeps talking to me, and I end up asking my buddy why he stopped talking to her. He said that that night he looked at her phone and she was texting like 5 different guys (but from what I inferred she dropped him cold turkey after that night). I brush it off again, maybe she's a bit of a player but I can't deny I'm not one either, and maybe she's a bit of a manipulator - but I tell myself that I have her, I have what other guys can't get.

- Now I'm beginning to wonder if she's playing me the same way she did my friend, granted this has been over the course of a month and a half and she religiously texts me every day without me even doing anything, tells me she misses me, asks when im visiting, etc... It hasn't crossed my mind that she's probably doing the same thing to other guys, but I really doubt that, that's like... emotionally sadistic to drag it out this long.

- We were talking about our new years and I asked who her new years hookup was, and she brushed it off, and I jokingly asked again (because at this point, we agreed we were dating but not really exclusive yet - she kept asking if we were - and I responded that I'm not looking to talk to anyone else right now but because of the distance and how little time we spent together I'm not going to force her, but its up to her), and she told me that it was no one. I asked her "are you sure about that?" because a buddy of mine saw her with some other dude at his houseparty, and she again dodged the question before I asked her a third time and she admitted she did. Can I really get mad at her about it? Its not so much the cheating thing (its not really cheating, we weren't officially together), its the lying thing. Even the little lies, it makes me wonder what else she's lied about or how many other guys she's been with since the break.

- Keep in mind this isn't having sex, it's just making out/occasional groping. So maybe this changes things a little and doesn't make it so serious?

I'm wondering if I should dwell on any of this too much, and if a girl's behavior when she's single is any indicator of how she'll be in a relationship?
 
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JLW

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It seems like your problem with her is basically this: you suspect that she is dating other people. However, this is none of your business and should not be any of your concern.

To her, you are showing that you are jealous and probably do not have any options. This is unattractive to females. So stop acting jealous.

Your second mistake is the texting. This is a tremendous waste of time. It does nothing to make you more attractive in her eyes, nor does it get you anywhere. All it does is prove to her that you will answer to her every whim by your prompt and lengthy responses. Stop texting.

Your third mistake is wanting to date her even though you said yourself that she is not all that interesting. This once again proves to me that you do not have many other options. Go find other girls who are fun and interesting to you.


As for what I would do if I were in your shoes? It depends on what you want. If you want to have sex with her, keep hanging out with her and I bet it will eventually happen. In the meantime, go find some other girls who are worth your time.

I would advise against any sort of relationship with her, however.

EDIT: It seems like you want to be in a relationship with her. That is an absolutely terrible idea, especially if she's boning other dudes. You are placing way too much value on this girl. She's boring, slutty (hooks up with multiple dudes), and probably not all that attractive. I would just forget about her entirely. You are too emotionally involved with this girl and she is going to burn you REAL BAD in the end.

And as for you being angry about her hooking up with other dudes: no, you can't be angry at her for it because you are absolutely unimportant to her in life. If you were her boyfriend it would be a different story. But once again: the fact that she's hooking up with multiple dudes at once (your friend, some guy at new years, and you) is a very, very bad sign from the perspective of her being relationship material for you. If she was really attracted to you, she would have dropped contact with all other guys. Which she hasn't.
 

loveshogun

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If I had to guess based on what you wrote, I'd say you were one of her options that she cashes in on when she's bored.

Also, in your current position, you're over-analyzing. Women who are interested in you will WANT to talk to you. You will literally have to say to them "I don't have time to talk right now" because they'd be blowing up your phone with calls.

Go meet more women. There's lots of girls in Texas, man. They have nice accents too. Work on your life-skills and you'll be fine.

Finally, texting is the most passive-aggressive way possible to start a conversation. If you do it, it will leave a bad impression. If she does it, it should do the same. When girls text me, unless they're telling me they want me to f*ck them right now and couldn't call because they were in a business meeting, texts are masturbation.
 

5string

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I'll answer you.

She's an AW and you know it. The little guy on your shoulder is telling you something is wrong. There is. Listen to the little fvcker.

Lying, multiple guys, player, etc. Sheeesh.

You have symptoms of oneitis. Better get treated before you really get sick.

Let her go. Get a new one.
 
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JLW

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5string said:
I'll answer you.

She's an AW and you know it. The little guy on your shoulder is telling you something is wrong. There is. Listen to the little fvcker.

Lying, multiple guys, player, etc. Sheeesh.

You have symptoms of oenitis. Better get treated before you really get sick.

Let her go. Get a new one.
5string basically said what I did, but way more simply and articulately. Listen to 5string.
 

AFC_Schism

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Thanks for the responses guys:

To her, you are showing that you are jealous and probably do not have any options. This is unattractive to females. So stop acting jealous.
To be honest I'm more curious than anything, even on new years I hooked up with a girl hotter than her - she was even upset about it. My weakness is the narcisism that I'm trying to work on which makes me always feel like I should be the center of the attention/the only guy shes talking to/etc. But not only that, its the curiosity (almost like a little child) about her that pulls me to her - I'll elaborate on that a bit below.

Your third mistake is wanting to date her even though you said yourself that she is not all that interesting. This once again proves to me that you do not have many other options. Go find other girls who are fun and interesting to you.
I just got out of a relationship a week before I met her with an older girl, and the way my work schedule goes going out and meeting women right now at this point in my life is not high on my list of priorities. She kind of just found her way to me on her own and I just ran with it. If it works out, great, if not, oh well.

It's the curiosity really, it's been a while since I've gotten played by a girl before and it's almost like I'm just fascinated by what she's doing. I think its fascinating how she can keep up this facade with half a dozen other guys and still make her come across as congruent. I think its fascinating how despite even how we don't really vibe well or her personality is non-existent, she keeps coming back to me and she still remains steadfast attracted to me. Weird, I know.

loveshogun said:
If I had to guess based on what you wrote, I'd say you were one of her options that she cashes in on when she's bored.
She always texts me later in the day, never in the afternoon, from around dinner time and we keep texting on and off until we both go to bed. But that could very well be (and likely is) the case.


Go meet more women. There's lots of girls in Texas, man. They have nice accents too. Work on your life-skills and you'll be fine.
Haha, I hear that. But again, priorities have kind of shifted a bit.

Finally, texting is the most passive-aggressive way possible to start a conversation. If you do it, it will leave a bad impression. If she does it, it should do the same. When girls text me, unless they're telling me they want me to f*ck them right now and couldn't call because they were in a business meeting, texts are masturbation.
True, but because of the distance and because I'm always busy, texting is usually the easiest and most convenient way to keep in touch. I can maintain a conversation at my leisure this way without having to pause what I'm doing.




I would advise against any sort of relationship with her, however.
This is what I'm most interested in. Why would I not want a relationship with her? What kind of warning signs are these so I might know for the future?
 

loveshogun

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True, but because of the distance and because I'm always busy, texting is usually the easiest and most convenient way to keep in touch. I can maintain a conversation at my leisure this way without having to pause what I'm doing.
Fast food is the most convenient way for me to eat - that doesn't mean it's good for me.

Usefulness and convenience are two different things, my friend. Remember that when you need to text.

I only use texts to send information. Meet here at this time. That's basically it. No conversations.

Finally, if you were always busy, you wouldn't find time to have textversations with this girl who has way too little going on in her life.
 

AFC_Schism

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Thanks for the replies Shogun.

I'm still curious about my other questions in the post above though, if anyone could tackle that, and also how I would be able to slowly exit my way out of this 'relationship'? We do have a lot of mutual friends so obviously I can't just be a complete **** to her. Should I just stop responding to her texts?
 

jafyk

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I'ill take a different take on this. Sometimes even knowing why doesn't change anything. In this situation I don't think the girl is meeting your standards so you should let her go. I've dealt with a few girls of similar characteristics. 1) Would open in chat (2) she rarely called me or texted me to talk yet if I invited her over she was mostly available and we did it as well (3) Outside of the s3x she couldn't hold a convo (4) Socially she didn't know how to mix in when I took her out around friends. Anyway, I found her boring and even though she was asking to be my GF (pretty much so she wouldn't feel bad about the s3x). To me she was boring and I wasn't really physically attracted to her. I knew I couldn't it wouldn't work out cos I 'd be tempted to cheat on her so I didn't wanna be in a relationship with someone I'd cheat on. Today she hates me but she eventually got on my nerves by not taking any responsibility and trying to make me out to be the bad guy when i was just trying to save her a world of hurt down the road. Then the other girl sometimes we did it, other times when we text each other she responds but she couldn't catch on to dirty insinuations or had that much of a sense of humor and eventually I also found out she was playing me and my friend.
 
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Brighty

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5string said:
I'll answer you.

She's an AW and you know it. The little guy on your shoulder is telling you something is wrong. There is. Listen to the little fvcker.

Lying, multiple guys, player, etc. Sheeesh.

You have symptoms of oneitis. Better get treated before you really get sick.

Let her go. Get a new one.

This.

Short and sweet and to the point.

And it's none of your business what she's doing (well, to an extent) if you guys aren't exclusive/in a relationship. Don't ever ask that.
 

jophil28

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People's behavior tells you what is important to them.

This women is interested in acquiring and maintainimg a male fan club and you are merely one member...probably her latest recruit.
Understand this, a few of those other guys are also thinking that she may be relationship material - but they do not have the benefit of being on SS .
She sounds like one of those sweet, shy demure types . Butter would not melt ...

In a nutshell, it is in your interests to ONLY ever consider a woman G/f material if she shows high IL, she acts consistently available, she does not demonstrate incongruent behavior, and she has no male bullpen.
If I were you I would put her in the same place as she has you - a member of your harem.

Does this idea make sense to you -
IF you are posting here because you are troubled about a woman's behavior, she is not suitable to be a contender .
Suitable women check all the boxes without effort. IF you are bewildered and disturbed about her behavior , then her behavior is not OK .

Don't make the fatal mistake that chumps make by thinking that she will change her behavior and act like a different person if she were your G/f.
 
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