Girlfriend doesnt want to have Sex at the moment

[HBK]

Hi Guys,

I Just wanted to get your opinion on my situation. I have been going out with my Girlfriend for nearly a year and a half now. Things had been going really well, sex life was good, 3-4 times a week normally and we are both currently planning on moving to Canada this summer for a year or so. We had a great time leading up to Christmas, exchanged gifts and went home to our respective families. Since Christmas my girlfriend has been acting weird with me. I felt in my Gut something wasn’t right. I confronted her on last Monday night and asked her what was wrong, and she told me she didn’t know. I told her that things were fine before christmas, now whats wrong? I could assume a lot of things in my head and end up running around in a circle. but she told me that it was her problem, she still loved me and that she wants things to work out between us. I trust her. She has spent the last number of days at home with her Dada and her childhood friends drinking while i was in Dublin. I told her i wasnt too happy that she was out drinking whioe things were the way between us. A little background about her is she lost her mother a few years ago, and it’s still sensitive obviously. also she is the younger of 2. When she came up last night i took her out for a drink and something to eat. We had a good chat and she told me of her concerns of going to Canada, not getting a job, will we fight etc I told her that she needed to be more positive, and that we'll plan it right. Last night after almost 2 1/2 weeks i thought maybe we were going to have sex. However she declined and said that she wasn’t ready yet, and she loved me and was sorry that she was driving me mad. I haven’t dealt with this before so I’m just wondering if you any of you guys have or could give me advice.

 

[SBW]

Personally, I'd be preparing myself for the worst - My ex-fiancee did something very like this shortly before going-off with someone else and a whole load of other things.

 

[squirrels]

Likely scenario:

There is a guy back home among her friends that she really likes, or has had sex with.

If she went home, partied with "old friends", and she comes back and everything's all-well, I wouldn't see a problem.

However, she comes back, she's acting strange, not being sexy for you, saying things about "making it work", etc, etc...I'm inclined to agree with Danger here.

Grab your gear and get ready to jump.

I'm not saying jump, just be at the plane door ready to jump when/if the light turns green.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear HBK,
Whilst Squirrels and Danger may well be right,my take is that her family are leaning on her to stay and keep her Dad happy.....It generally takes something like a potato famine to move them from their lovely Country.....Why not ask her?

 

[CGE333]

What ever the "issue" is, continually asking her what is wrong and going over it with her is going to get you no where. Soon- if you haven't already you are going to get the- I need some space BS.

You need to go out on your own, either with friends or by yourself, meet some new people. Give the current girlfriend the gift of missing you and wondering what you are up to. Nothing brings a girl closer to you then when she thinks there is competition. If she is to the point of completely not caring what you do, who you are with, then you've already lost her.

 

[amoka]

What is it that you are planning on doing in Canada for a year? Does she have to come with you to Canada? She is your girlfriend not your wife... she has no obligation to accompany you their. Perhaps her friends, sibling, and/or father told her this. Conditions such as this are very delicate. I know of a woman who dated her boyfriend for 3+ years but when her boyfriend got a job offer in another city and want her to go along with her, she refused because "anything can happen" over there because their is "no commitment". Now I am not saying you should propose to her but if she feels like not going to Canada with you, dont take it personal. Understand that she is taking a risk by going with you.

 

[squirrels]

I guess the real question you need to be asking yourself is, "Why isn't she talking about it openly with you?"

And the follow-up question, "If she can't discuss it openly with you, do you want to stay with her?"

If she wanted to work it out, if she really knew she wanted you in her life and she respected you, she'd be honest with you about what's going on in her head, not dodge questions and make vague references. Honestly, you don't have time to deal with that crap.

My 0.02. YMMV

 

[HBK]

I guess the real question you need to be asking yourself is, "Why isn't she talking about it openly with you?"

And the follow-up question, "If she can't discuss it openly with you, do you want to stay with her?"

If she wanted to work it out, if she really knew she wanted you in her life and she respected you, she'd be honest with you about what's going on in her head, not dodge questions and make vague references. Honestly, you don't have time to deal with that crap.

My 0.02. YMMV

Thanks Guys, some good feedback there. Im going to give her the benefit of doubt, and give her a little time to think about things.But im not going to puit up with crap either. She knows where i stand. In the interim im going home this weekend, im going to go out with the my lads and have a night out for myself. She is working all this weekend. We'll see how much she cares then.

 

[DavenJuan]

Dear HBK,
Whilst Squirrels and Danger may well be right,my take is that her family are leaning on her to stay and keep her Dad happy.....It generally takes something like a potato famine to move them from their lovely Country.....Why not ask her?

i dont want to jump on the bandwagon with squirrels and Danger, but they raise some good points.

while it COULD be the fact that she is feeling pressure from her family to not go, or pressuring herself, it still doesnt answer the question on why she was unwilling to have sex?? especially when she JUST returned from home.

its not like the trip to Canada is in a couple weeks. you said this SUMMER. that is plenty of time to get your mind right and make a decision. i just dont see the correlation from moving in several months to NOT having sex.

another point that should be taken into consideration that squirrels mentioned is IF she is unwilling to communicate with you, or respect you enough to let you know what the issue is, do YOU want her around anyway?

 

[mrRuckus]

She's failing in her obligation to provide sex. It's okay to say no but 2 weeks of no is crap. You wouldn't get to withhold emotional intimacy for 2 weeks. You wouldn't get to go 2 weeks without talking to her, so why does she get to say no to her duty?

 

[samspade]

Everyone here raises great points. I'd just like to add that, barring a major health issue, women will often want sex even or especially during stressful times. One girlfriend of mine initiated sex with me the night that her mother died, claiming she "needed it" to relax. So I would find it suspicious if my GF didn't want sex for so long, especially if she wasn't willing to share her supposed issues with me.

If she were afraid of losing you, she would at the very least explain herself so you know she has a legitimate problem (health, family issue, etc.). She could be breaking up with you mentally.

 

[Tazman]

Just wanted to add:

1.) Do not interrogate her about her "feelings", let her "actions" be your guide.

2.) Do not give her any ultimatums, it will always backfire if not sooner than later. You can't make someone want to have sex with you and/or be intimate in any way, they have to want it.

3.) Don't give her the impression that her behavior is affecting you in any way, carry on as if you're happy with life.

4.) Dress nice and go out, but don't tell her where you're going, if she asks where you're going or what's wrong, pretend like you don't know what she's talking about and everything is ok, you're just "hanging out".

5.) Don't ask her for sex and don't question her about why she doesn't want sex.

Do these things and you will get the answers you seek without losing your frame. There may already be a big shift in frame because of you expressing your frustration, but doing these things can snatch it back.

 

[jophil28]

* She has spent the last number of days at home with her Dada and her childhood friends drinking while i was in Dublin.............

* We had a good chat and she told me of her concerns of going to Canada, not getting a job, will we fight etc ..............

*..i thought maybe we were going to have sex. However she declined and said that she wasn’t ready yet.........

Read the three items above and link them together.

 

[AMDG]

was sorry that she was driving me mad.

She's not - she just wants to control you ( not likely ) or has already dumped you because you have different goals ( most likely ).

 

[HBK]

Hey lads,

Just want to add a few things. Last week i had the flu, so the chances of Sex was pretty slim anyway. She has been calling and texting me as normal.I never call or text her first. She still discusses with me our planning for canada, and all appears we are still going ahead with it. The reason we are hoping to go to canada is because our country is in deep recession, they're not alot of jobs going here at the moment and its very difficult to predict the next 5 years. She is a Nurse, im in IT. The fact is she wants to go as much as i do, she probably talks about going more than i. She is calling over tonight and i wont see her again until next week. Shes working all this weekend. So out of sight, out of mind. From our chat on tuesday, she told me point blank, she didnt know what was wrong, and it was her problem. She tends to worry easily about things, and in fairness its understandable if shes worried about going to canada. But in regards to our relationship, the no sex factor is baffling me. If this continues into next week or more, should i cut my losses and tell her that its over, or have some consideration and leave her sort out whatever problems out?

 

[AMDG]

the no sex factor is baffling me.

Actions matter, not words. She is probably looking for a replacement right now, but wants to maintain the facade with you until she completes her branch-swinging.

 

[jophil28]

But in regards to our relationship, the no sex factor is baffling me. If this continues into next week or more, should i cut my losses and tell her that its over, or have some consideration and leave her sort out whatever problems out?

I have found that a woman who is withdrawing sexually is covertly signalling her intention to leave the relationship. The question is WHEN.
She may not be ready to eject just yet, but make no mistake, she KNOWS what she is doing in spite of her vague ramblings to the contrary.

Furthermore, from what you wrote in your first post, she is balking at going abroard, and is probably likely to bail at some time closer to the date of departure.
If I were you I would flush her out by telling her that whilever she is ambivalent about traveling, and she is unsettled in your relationship, then it would be better for you to go alone.

If she is looking for a way out she will take it at this point.

The worst thing that you can do is wait around while she consults her feelings. Again, it is my experience that when you give women "time to work it through" they never "work it through". Instead they abuse your patience, and exploit your flexible approach to hemm and haww endlessly and keep you dangling, with no resolution.

 

[squirrels]

From our chat on tuesday, she told me point blank, she didnt know what was wrong, and it was her problem.

That's straight bullsh*t. It's a smokescreen. She knows EXACTLY what is wrong and she just doesn't want to tell you because she thinks you'll think less of her.

I'm not saying she's cheating, but this is a serious failure in communication. If she can't talk to you about "her" problems (which are really "her and your" problems), then you shouldn't be dragging her with you to another country.

She's not the one, man.

She tends to worry easily about things, and in fairness its understandable if shes worried about going to canada. But in regards to our relationship, the no sex factor is baffling me. If this continues into next week or more, should i cut my losses and tell her that its over, or have some consideration and leave her sort out whatever problems out?

Dude, listen to yourself for a second.

She worries all the time, she can't communicate with you, she suddenly has a problem with physical intimacy...and you want to take this "problem with a vag!na" to another country with you?

If you stick around and "try to make this work", my prediction is that she'll pretend to go along, you two will move to Canada, then maybe 6 months to a year into being there, she'll suddenly say, "It's not working out", either because she found someone else or she's just not into you any more.



I don't get it...I just don't get WHY people put themselves in these situations. If it isn't working, and you aren't "invested" with the girl (i.e. married or have kids), WHY would you stay?? WHY do people subject themselves to these problems VOLUNTARILY?? For sex?? For a vague promise of sex?? Because having a woman makes you more socially acceptable?? Didn't we outgrow this crap in middle school???

Many married couples I know, and just about ALL of the "shack-up couples" I've known, are doing what I call, "playing grown-ups". People getting into "relationships" and getting married and such because they saw THEIR parents doing it and they can't figure out anything better to do with their lives.

It's all fun and games when the game is interesting...when orgasms are coming, when all kinds of stimulation is going on, buying pets and furniture, taking trips, etc...

Then when one of them wants to "stop playing", it's suddenly like, "Oh SH*T, what do we do about the house we bought together? What do we do with the KIDS???" Not to mention the question of, "How do I LIVE without that second income??"

Anyway, rant over...let's get back to the situation at hand:

She still discusses with me our planning for canada, and all appears we are still going ahead with it.

The fact is she wants to go as much as i do, she probably talks about going more than i.

I know you don't want to think about this, but chances are she's staying with you because she wants to get to Canada but doesn't know if she's going to be able to afford it on her own.

That's why she gets excited about Canada, but DOES NOT get excited about YOU. She wants your half of the rent-money, but she doesn't want to have to put out to get it.

That's where my money is...she's feeling "conflicted" because she essentially wants your support in this move, but she knows she doesn't really "love you" any more. So she's hiding this from you as best she can and saying she has "personal problems". She sincerely believes that this IS her problem...and you know what? It IS. She knows what she'd be doing is essentially taking advantage of you. But it's honestly too big an opportunity for her to miss out on.

Which is why I'm making the 6-month prediction. She needs to get over there, get established, and find some other dude to move in with...or start making enough to live on her own.

And honestly...if you can handle it, that's NOT a bad set-up. You and her could go to Canada as "friends" helping each other get started financially by splitting rent-money, with the understanding that there's "nothing more to it than that"...then when you and her both get set you can go your separate ways.

If you're gonna do that, though, you need to discuss it AHEAD of time, because saying you're "going as friends" removes a LOT of her leverage from the equation and she won't be happy with it...especially since you and her still have SOME "feelings" for each other. If you two are mature enough to do that, though, THAT is what I would recommend. Go to Canada, help each other out as "friends", and start seeing other people for your romantic needs.

Now...chances are you two are NOT mature enough to handle this.

So what you SHOULD do...is start figuring out how YOU are going to get to Canada by YOURSELF. As in, do not rely on her following through with ANYTHING. Make your own arrangements, seek your own job, your own housing, etc.

And hey, if she makes it over too and gets HERself established, and still wants to spend time with you, then maybe it'll work out. But if not, you don't want to move to a strange land and then suddenly be DEPENDENT on someone with whom the relationship has "gone south".



Besides, man, it sounds like sex is the MAIN thing you're after in this relationship, and you can get that in a lot of places. Why are you wasting energy with THIS girl? What is it about her that makes sex with her so much better than sex with any other hottie?

And don't give me that vague, "Oh I LOVE her" nonsense either. I want to know, specifically, what it is you love about her...besides her va-jay-jay.

 

[Blue Phoenix]

Just wanted to add:

1.) Do not interrogate her about her "feelings", let her "actions" be your guide.

2.) Do not give her any ultimatums, it will always backfire if not sooner than later. You can't make someone want to have sex with you and/or be intimate in any way, they have to want it.

3.) Don't give her the impression that her behavior is affecting you in any way, carry on as if you're happy with life.

4.) Dress nice and go out, but don't tell her where you're going, if she asks where you're going or what's wrong, pretend like you don't know what she's talking about and everything is ok, you're just "hanging out".

5.) Don't ask her for sex and don't question her about why she doesn't want sex.

Do these things and you will get the answers you seek without losing your frame. There may already be a big shift in frame because of you expressing your frustration, but doing these things can snatch it back.

Man that was perfect! :rockon:

Asking her why is a lost game. It´s not logical, see what they do!

 

[HBK]

Hi Lads,

Thanks for all the great advice. Heres an update, she called over last night, was using alot of Kino with me and was joking around with me as normal for the evening and when we went to bed she wanted to have sex. It was not uncomfortable. Afterwards we chatted again and she told me she was nervous about canada, and that she wouldnt be able to get a job. She rang the agencys and hospitals there and they told her they were not recrutting nurses at the moment. Yesterday the agency Emailed her and said they were only looking for certain criteria, which she doesnt have. We both applied 2 weeks ago for a Visa Application, and she has 20 days to accept it. She is 24 and currently has a permanent job in Ireland, but she doesnt want to give up a permanent job in Ireland to go to a country where they she wont get work. She also mentioned that this was the longest shes ever gone out with a Guy, and she is nervous. This still doesnt answer the 2 weeks without sex, and why she was acting cold towards me. I asked her once more did something happen over the christmas and she looked me in the eye and said no. My own perception of events is that she went home, got drunk and some guy chatted her up. Now she either did or she didnt go with him, but this guy has been texting her since. We went to a wedding just after chrismas together and i was groomsman, so i wasnt around her much that day. My sister told me my girlfriend spent a lot of the time texting on her phone that night. I havent read her messages or checked her phone. She didnt seem herself that day, and this is where i first noticed something was wrong. Im at the point of just walking away, but how do i get the real truth out of her? Or is this just a rough patch in our relationship that we need to work through.