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Girl wants to take things slowly... but how slowly is too much?

harpomarx

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Hey guys, I posted about this girl the other day when she invited me out to dinner with her friend. Well, it turns out things are a bit more complicated than I initially realized.

Let me give some background: The first time we met, we made out for a long time at a party and I think she was a bit embarrassed about it (or at least pretended to be) because on our first actual date after that she asked me a couple of questions referencing to it. ("I made out with you the other night and I don't even know your full name!").

Then, on the third date, she stayed for part of the night, but we'd had too much to drink and I couldn't perform. Nonetheless, for our next date she wanted me to come on a double-date with her bff and bff's boyfriend, which seemed a bit odd to me so early on. And, before that, she said she wanted to "talk" with me, and proceeded to ask me if I saw things as a "fling" or a "relationship." I said neither - that I didn't see it as a fling, but it's way too early to commit to a relationship, and that we should just be having fun with each other. She agreed with this, but then suggested we take things a bit more slowly. She also half-apologized for it, saying she has "trust issues"...

Now, I know the first impression for a lot of you is gonna be that she's playing me a little bit, but I honestly think she's a cool girl that's maybe just a bit screwed up in the head. However, we've been out 4 times now (5 if you count the party) and if we go out a couple more times without anything happening then things will start getting ridiculous and I think if we go any longer than that without sex then I'll end up in the friend-zone.

I'm willing to go out with her 1-2 more times after her little speech, but after that, if she refuses, I'm wondering how to broach the subject and make it clear that I want things to either move forward or break off, without making it too obvious an ultimatum or making her feel uneasy in case she does actually have some issues that I'm not aware of. Kind of a sensitive issue, I think... thoughts appreciated...
 

amoka

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I say go on one more date and if she brings up the subject of "relationship", tell her you don't date woman you have not had sex with. If she does not bring it up and you try to escalate and she bullsh!ts, stop contact with her for sometime ( two weeks perhaps).
 

Da Realist

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I would suggest the the whole "dropping her because she won't have sex" thing. Don't get me wrong: sex is good, but being able not to regret that you slept with this girl because she's in the running to have the Antichrist is another thing. Speed feels great, but slowing down forces you to take a good look at her. If she's rying to showyou off and asking what you're looking for, she already sees you have potential. She's just testing to see if you buckle and either throw yourself on her or run away. Play it cool for a little, seduce her whenever you get the chance, and let her work for a little bit.
 

Sir_Turtle

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Haha. I honestly feel sorry for this girl. If i had to guess her world view is still somewhat disenyified/traditional. She's looking for love/commitment and she wants it with you. unfortunately for her she's a bad judge of character because she probably has no examples in her life.all you're after is her vagina.

So you'll probably take advantage of her because she needs affection, and she'll realize she's been used and be bitter.

sad world much?
 

harpomarx

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Sir_Turtle said:
Haha. I honestly feel sorry for this girl. If i had to guess her world view is still somewhat disenyified/traditional. She's looking for love/commitment and she wants it with you. unfortunately for her she's a bad judge of character because she probably has no examples in her life.all you're after is her vagina.

So you'll probably take advantage of her because she needs affection, and she'll realize she's been used and be bitter.
Not at all. WTF man??

I like this girl, and I'm not just after sex, but at a certain point I wanna know if things are going anywhere with us or if she's just enjoying the attention until she meets a guy she's more attracted to. It's been known to happen. I've been friend-zoned before for going too slow and not initiating enough, and I don't want it to happen this time...

So it's quite the opposite of what you're saying, otherwise I wouldn't be so concerned about how to handle the issue without upsetting her...

Get your **** together and stop being so cynical.
 

Warrior74

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LOL. Could perform huh? Here is the question, does she know that? How far did you go with her? Cause if you got up to the moment of truth (ie, she's naked in your bed and waiting for it then she's likes sex and she's not shy about getting it on early.


If you just was drunk and making out with no boner and sent her home, then she might be thinking you are just being a nice guy boyfriend material.

You might want to take a minute and think about that.

Also think about that if she was down for sex that night, why would she change and pull back on you now? Again, we weren't there, you have to use your judgement.

She has trust issues? That means she's been played before, and is attracted to players (DJs, PUAs, whatever lame term you want to use). So don't go all nice guy on her...its not what she's really attracted to, its what she's suppose to say. Don't believe the hype. Good luck.

Now suddenly she wants to take it slow? Fvck that. Keep doing what you were doing...
 

harpomarx

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Warrior74 said:
LOL. Could perform huh? Here is the question, does she know that? How far did you go with her? Cause if you got up to the moment of truth (ie, she's naked in your bed and waiting for it then she's likes sex and she's not shy about getting it on early.


If you just was drunk and making out with no boner and sent her home, then she might be thinking you are just being a nice guy boyfriend material.

You might want to take a minute and think about that.

Also think about that if she was down for sex that night, why would she change and pull back on you now? Again, we weren't there, you have to use your judgement.
Well, thanks for the LOL... Sadly it was the first scenario, after we were both pretty drunk, which I'm sure led to the talk we had the next date. Just as she seemed embarrassed about making out with me at the party, she seemed to regret going that far with me, and launched into "taking it slow" and "trust issues."

I assume her reasoning is the alcohol, but again, I'd like to believe (and do, to an extent) that she's being honest and likes me but wants go more slowly, but part of me fears she's just saying these things because she likes me a bit but not enough to sleep with me on any sort of regular basis (or that she says these things but wants to be seduced more...). Hence the wondering aloud here - I don't want to pressure her into sex just for the sake of it, but at some point I wanna know for sure where I stand with her...
 

Igetit!

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harpomarx said:
Let me give some background: The first time we met, we made out for a long time at a party and I think she was a bit embarrassed about it (or at least pretended to be) because on our first actual date after that she asked me a couple of questions referencing to it. ("I made out with you the other night and I don't even know your full name!").
All this is is buyer's remorse. She made out with you the first time you two met. The reason she's backtracking/trying to slow things down is because she doesn't want you to think she's easy/a slvt. Even if she is easy,she doesn't want to be viewed that way by you. This is just a simple case of the A.C.S./attraction,comfort,seduction with you having the attraction and the seduction parts,but you skipped over the comfort. This girl is actually right...she doesn't know you. It's one this when a girl makes out with or goes further with a guy she knows or is familiar with,but with a guy who she doesn't even know his name? She knows how people view women like that,and she doesn't want to be viewed that way.

harpomarx said:
Then, on the third date, she stayed for part of the night, but we'd had too much to drink and I couldn't perform. Nonetheless, for our next date she wanted me to come on a double-date with her bff and bff's boyfriend, which seemed a bit odd to me so early on. And, before that, she said she wanted to "talk" with me, and proceeded to ask me if I saw things as a "fling" or a "relationship." I said neither - that I didn't see it as a fling, but it's way too early to commit to a relationship, and that we should just be having fun with each other.
Dude,that was a BRILLIANT answer. I don't know if you had already answered that question before and had that answer in mind,or if it was something you just thought up on the spot,but either way,I'm HIGHLY IMPRESSED.
That's a +1 rep point.

I definately need to keep that in my head at all times.

harpomarx said:
I'm willing to go out with her 1-2 more times after her little speech, but after that, if she refuses, I'm wondering how to broach the subject and make it clear that I want things to either move forward or break off, without making it too obvious an ultimatum or making her feel uneasy in case she does actually have some issues that I'm not aware of. Kind of a sensitive issue, I think... thoughts appreciated...
I think you're ok,you just need to increase the comfort more while at the same time maintaining the behavior that caused her to be attracted to you in the first place. In other words,take her out,hold her hand,put your arm around her,etc. Doing these things will keep you out of the friendzone,and at the same time,they're not too agressive to the point she'll start to feel like a slvt again. Do this,then gentlely,increase the being physical parts. This way you can escalate without triggering her ASD.

Peace man.
 

DonJuan11

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harpomarx said:
I'm willing to go out with her 1-2 more times after her little speech, but after that, if she refuses, I'm wondering how to broach the subject and make it clear that I want things to either move forward or break off, without making it too obvious an ultimatum or making her feel uneasy in case she does actually have some issues that I'm not aware of.
You don't broach the subject, you make a move and see if she responds. If she doesn't, you back off. If she does, you go ahead.

By broaching the subject, you are essentially saying "sleep with me or you can go to HE-LL", which never works. If she doesn't respond physically, take away the attention you give her but don't give her an ultimatum, she'll start feeling like a prostitute.
 

cola

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Some people on this site give great advice, better than I. Others give non practical advice that I tend to doubt they'd follow themselves.
Let me elaborate..

What are the tendencies of an "alpha male" <- hate that term, so cliche now.

1. High Value?
2. Has Options?
3. Goal Oriented?
4. Did I mention has options?

She is testing you elusively..
Most guys when she gives them the "take it slow" speach run away..
Weeding out the losers who hang on seduction sites from genuine guys who could really not give a fvck about getting inside her.

The right advice is to demonstrate you would bang her and not a nice guy by..
Slapping her ass..
Touching her titty..
Occassionally..
But demonstrate if you don't **** her the world doesn't end.. This is done by..
Not being clingy..
Initiating contact less than her..
Being unavailable at times..
Letting it be known you are spinning plates and have a interesting sex life..

Give it a few weeks of this behavior and relax..
Don't be in such a rush man seduction is a art to be done gracefully..
Not like a brute
 

Kal0051

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DonS said:
This is like the third guy this week that has had whiskey diick the first time he managed to get a new chick in the sack. And of course this is the third guy this week that is here posting about the resistance he is now getting after this night.
this is one of the reasons I stopped drinking. I have maybe 1 or 2 beers and that's it, and absolutely no hard liquor (I can't control myself with hard alcohol). I can list 5 instances of messing up with a girl because I drank too much (in the last 6 months).
 

cola

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Weird
Most people I know concieved there kids drunk.
 

Willis

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if she aint talkin bout sex the first 10 mins when i meet her...its too slow....
 
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