Girl is great but her family is a huge problem...what should I do?

[DreamAgain]

I can use some advice here.

This girl I'm seeing has a ton of great qualities, we get along really well, and I am interested in potentially moving things along more seriously with her. However, I have major issues with her family, how have you guys dealt with this?

Some details:

1. Her Father is a miserable wretch whose been exposed for cheating on her mother. He is uninteresting, shallow, and generally treats everyone else in the family with disrespect and an absence of any care. It seems that all he does is provide financial stability for them, since he is well off.

2. The mother, however, is great. She is highly engaging, whenever I came over she treated me and everyone else very respectfully.

3. Her sister is an unambitious wreck who seems to be mooching off of her father's wealth. Dropped out of her university program. She let herself go physically, has very little intellectual curiosity (I think watching TV and gossiping with her friends are her favorite activities), and seems to have taken a keen disliking to me for no reason. They are quite close, however, so I inevitably can't just blow her off, and nor would I necessarily want to, because I don't want to have bad relations with anyone in the family.

Given all this, what should I do? I really like this girl but many things about her family irritate me, with the exception of her mother.

 

[DreamAgain]

Girl probably has daddy issues, keep your eyes open. Personally I would bail but I am gun-shy right now. Parental narcissism is contagious.

I'm leaning that way but part of me would regret it because she has many good qualities...about to graduate college with excellent grades, very witty (I've found this to be rare for girls so that came as a pleasant surprise that she could actually make me laugh), keeps her figure and has a great sense of style (I feel great going out in public with her and being seen with her), excited to see me always, etc.

But her messed up family is really making me think about things.

 

[Glassguy]

Depending on how long you have been with her, it might be time to have a discussion about it. Tell her that you are not asking her to choose between the 2 of you, but rather he makes you feel belittled/unimportant/etc. Since she obviously knows him better than you do, maybe she will take initiative and talk to him. Just tell her that you would like a more comfortable relationship with her dad and ask her for a little advice on how to proceed.

 

[btownbuck2012]

Ask her what her biggest weakness is, she what she says. One thing is certain, she could not escape her father's behavior unscathed. Something is wrong, you just haven't found it yet. Could take up to a year to do so even if you know what to look for. Maybe its manageable, maybe not. I will tell you that covert narcissism is almost impossible to detect for a year or so, as is Bipolar II.

@OP

Heed this man's words. I was in a very similar situation to you about 2 years ago. Met a great girl who had a master's degree and a good job. Seemed a bit reserved and shy and lived at home with her mother. Her mother and father had a TERRIBLE relationship over the years and the girl sided with her mother. The initial impression that I got was that this girl was the glue holding her family together and a very strong, wise smart person who was doing her best in this tough world and bad situation she was thrown into, i.e. just as you said above "the major issue was with her family."

About a year and a few months in I was blindsided by bizarre behavior that has left me reeling. I'm 6+ months NC now and am just starting to feel normal again. It wasn't until I started reading more and more here on sosuave about covert narcissism, bpd, cluster b, etc. did her behavior start to make sense.

If something in your gut is telling you something is off, trust it.

 

[Von]

Depending on how long you have been with her, it might be time to have a discussion about it. Tell her that you are not asking her to choose between the 2 of you, but rather he makes you feel belittled/unimportant/etc. Since she obviously knows him better than you do, maybe she will take initiative and talk to him. Just tell her that you would like a more comfortable relationship with her dad and ask her for a little advice on how to proceed.

Do that.

If you are on this site is either you have doubt on your relationship and want to get rid of her or you wanna improve things with her.

Alot of poster here will tell you to drop her, just because her dad is a wreck. They clearly looking for a unicorn to Protect their ego (hence any issues is a red flag).

Ask her how she feel about her dad, your issues or perception, how to deal with her dad.

If you compare her to the Sister, she seems pretty cool.

Could you have similarity to the dad or the mom?

Remember, you dating her not the family.
Oh boy, if people ran away from dating just to due inlaws issues... Humanity would have died at its beginning.

If you ditch her cause of the dad. How can she trust man?

My own parents been together for 40years, my grandfather never spoke to my dad while he was alive.

Are you dating her or the family ? If you care about her, you'll work on the issues.

Show her your alpha, make her succeed, save her from dad but also make you better. Deal this has a couple

 

[dude99]

I can use some advice here.

This girl I'm seeing has a ton of great qualities, we get along really well, and I am interested in potentially moving things along more seriously with her. However, I have major issues with her family, how have you guys dealt with this?

Some details:

1. Her Father is a miserable wretch whose been exposed for cheating on her mother. He is uninteresting, shallow, and generally treats everyone else in the family with disrespect and an absence of any care. It seems that all he does is provide financial stability for them, since he is well off.

2. The mother, however, is great. She is highly engaging, whenever I came over she treated me and everyone else very respectfully.

3. Her sister is an unambitious wreck who seems to be mooching off of her father's wealth. Dropped out of her university program. She let herself go physically, has very little intellectual curiosity (I think watching TV and gossiping with her friends are her favorite activities), and seems to have taken a keen disliking to me for no reason. They are quite close, however, so I inevitably can't just blow her off, and nor would I necessarily want to, because I don't want to have bad relations with anyone in the family.

Given all this, what should I do? I really like this girl but many things about her family irritate me, with the exception of her mother.

Date her. Talk to the mom as a human being. Be a sarcastic **** to the sister in a kidding kind of way. Push the sisters buttons. If you date her sister long enough she will get used to you and stop caring.

And be prepaired to stand up to the father. There will come a day when miserable dad will want to test what kind of a man you are and don't be afraid of him. Stand up to him whether it is with wit or with courage ( don't beat the **** out of him,) do not back down. He won't show it but he will respect you for it.

 

[DreamAgain]

@OP

Heed this man's words. I was in a very similar situation to you about 2 years ago. Met a great girl who had a master's degree and a good job. Seemed a bit reserved and shy and lived at home with her mother. Her mother and father had a TERRIBLE relationship over the years and the girl sided with her mother. The initial impression that I got was that this girl was the glue holding her family together and a very strong, wise smart person who was doing her best in this tough world and bad situation she was thrown into, i.e. just as you said above "the major issue was with her family."

About a year and a few months in I was blindsided by bizarre behavior that has left me reeling. I'm 6+ months NC now and am just starting to feel normal again. It wasn't until I started reading more and more here on sosuave about covert narcissism, bpd, cluster b, etc. did her behavior start to make sense.

If something in your gut is telling you something is off, trust it.

Damn, this is pretty scary and is kind of what I'm fearing. If I invest further into her and it ends up backfiring into this situation.

How can someone put on a mask for so long before revealing their true colors, it's just hard to fathom.

 

[DreamAgain]

Nobody is without flaws I understand that, I'm not perfect either, neither is my family. However, these red flags seem, to me, to be beyond just personality quirks that different people may have, but actual flaws that should not be ignored.

Now could I live with them? Perhaps, that is the question here isn't it.

Supposing I had a son with this girl, would I feel ok leaving him with her father? No. Would I want her sister looking over him? No. But I don't want this animosity with anyone, it feels petty and stupid, albeit justified considering the circumstances.

 

[backseatjuan]

You what they say? If you want to know she will be, look at her mother. Nobody's family is perfect, if you like her mom, that's good enough.

 

[lizardking82]

Treat the situation carefully, but one thing is for sure: she has not gone completely unscathed by everything in her family and as other members have already stated, you will start seeing **** in her that you won't like. Of course, I would not suggest flat out dropping her just because of this, but be careful, invest yourself carefully and be prepared for **** to hit the fan in ways you cannot imagine from this sweet, talented and smart girl now.

 

[DreamAgain]

You what they say? If you want to know she will be, look at her mother. Nobody's family is perfect, if you like her mom, that's good enough.

It's not her that I'm too worried about, it's just the thought of accepting people into my family (potentially) that have major red flags to go along with them. Now, if she one day flips the script and exposes herself to be like her father or sister, then the joke will be on me of course.

It's just hard to think someone could hide this so well, but certainly from what I've seen with threads around here, it's within the realm of possibility for sure.

 

[Roober]

Sounds like a normal family to me....