Girl is friends with exs? (Very Long but needed :( )

[TheException]

You said the following which were insulting. And I will continue to call you out for such behavior. If you don't like it, then that is just too bad.

Go for it.

So what if it's fear based?

Well I dont know about you...but i seek to overcome my fears. Not play into them.

Cheating starts LONG before the zippers come undone. When you tolerate your gf going out with other men, previous lovers and such without you....

Yes I agree it does. A woman just doesnt cheat on an alpha male...they cheat when they are unhappy. They cheat when their man, no longer gives them the "tingles". Im not advocating that you let your girlfriend date other guys lol...but you cant seek to control every aspect of her life and decide who she goes out with and whether you deem that "respectable". Its reminding me of the friend....and im sure everyone has one....that just cant stay off his girlfriend. Pecking her on the forehead, always hugging her, etc. Its like your scared shes going to run off to some other guy the moment you give her any sort of freedom.

Again Danger...bottom line....no sort of precautions, "standards", "demanding respect", barriers, can keep a girl from cheating...IF A S1UT is going to cheat SHE GOING TO CHEAT.

The Exception, you are a keyboard jockey.

Watch out Flush...youll get called out for insulting people and "logical fallacy" with statements like that.

The OP is not happy with this woman but he doesn't have the balls to walk away because he thinks he has no better option. The risk of losing access to p*ssy is too much for him. Over-valuing and not spinning plates like he should

Thats probably a true statement. If his standards(whatever they may be) are not met...he should walk.

 

[TheException]

ok lets assume i dont trust her with him (which im not sure i do! i admited this openly)

If you dont trust her...you should never even be entertaining her. Your the one who has to ask youself "What has she done to warrant my mistrust? An actual action/behavior she has done...or only my fears"

I on the other hand - without even being asked - stopped talking to my ex's - deleted all my online dating profiles (well about 2 i had so not loads) - and now dont tolerate any flirting from girls - and put me and her FIRST every time.

Dont expect women to return the "moral high ground" favor just because you did.

even if you trusted your girl 150% would it not feel disrespectful (or something) to you - and the relationship

Its different for every individual. Im at the place where I dont date a girl exclusively unless I WANT TO. If im going to give up every other girl in the world....for one. She better be worth it. Good sex, good looks, fun, trustworthy, etc the whole nine yards. And no...i would not feel disrespected if she has "guy friends", because Im NOT AFRAID OF HER CHEATING. If she does...its over. Period. I laugh at her cause she's the one missing out. The woman I date should have the mindset that if "they fvck up....the exception is going to walk".

I cant help feeling not doing anything is burying my head in the sand.

If theres one thing, thats unanimously agreed upon...is if YOUR UNHAPPY THEN WALK.

Basiclly it comes down to this - I wont be able to tolerate it once im with her - so is there any way at all to now go back on the "deal" i made her about still seeing him.

No. The deal was dumb in the first place.

I at least want to TRY and sort it before i just go.

Its like PlayHerMan said...shes your only access to sex so your holding on. Yet another form of fear...trust me, face it and jump off the cliff so to speak and walk away if your unhappy.

 

[SamTheHobit]

Swallowing your standards is lying to yourself.

Couldn't agree more.

Danger you really put sh!t into perspective for me. Just wanted to thank you for that.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Interesting thread, wanted to chime in.

In this specific situation, the OP's major mistake was allowing himself to get emotionally attached to a girl who is only fuvk buddy material at best.

Your error was having such a long drawn out conversation about this & giving her shallow ultimatums. "No rides from fling boy or else." ------ You should have a standard that women who you date meet, if they don't, then they aren't dating material, SIMPLE AS THAT.

Or "if you think he's fit, that must mean you find him sexxy etc." ------ these are all thoughts you should keep to yourself. When you meet a girl that you are interested in, start taking inventory of her actions. Every girl shows you what type of character she has very early on. Learn to screen women properly and not IGNORE glaring red flags.

Is it a red flag that she is very close with a guy she slept with? Yes, absolutely. However, she's not your gf at this point, so instead of telling her "its fine for now, but if/when we become official it has to stop," its much more effective to take note of the things you don't like or won't tolerate without mentioning it on your own.

When you bring these things up constantly, even when valid, it DOES make you look insecure and chumpish.

Instead, you should be continuing to spin plates, sleep with other girls & have this girl bringing up these types of conversations with you.

In other words, your acting like the girl in this dynamic and every time you bring this up, it makes her lose more attraction for you.

However, that shouldn't even matter, because you shouldn't have allowed yourself to get emotionally attached to a girl like this....

You will 100% get burned in this situation......... stamp that thought in your head.

Lastly, wanted to say that there are some points that the Exception & Danger brought up that I completely agree with....

-can't live in fear if a girl has guy friends
-a woman has to respect you
-can't control her & expect her to meet all your expectations
-if a girl wants to cheat she will find a way to cheat
-can't be afraid to walk from a low quality girl

And he isn't a keyboard jockey Pair. I think Danger and him got slightly off topic. Danger, Pair & many other have detailed history with BPD women & believe me I've been there more than I'd like to admit and it def changes your perspective on women in general.

However, the reality is you can't let those whack jobs completely take over your thinking when it comes to the overall dating pool of women.

This comes down to the OP learning to respect himself. If your putting pu$$aay on a pedestal, you will tolerate levels of bullshyt that you normally wouldn't. Get more experience, walk when a women is disrespecting you, keep bettering yourself & you will always have options.













PIMP

 

[Purefilth]

@ theexception. It's not what has she done to warrant mistrust.

It's what has she done to try and earn his trust.

In this case - nothing.

 

[bobbates]

I am starting to get pissed off with all the little things - i do think she has it in her to change - i think all her exs let her get away with this stuff before.

I am starting to become a bit distant with her now because im starting to see it how it is.

she is going to ask why - and i dont know what to say...

I just want to give her one chance to actually change the things that are holding us back - if she cant - then i will walk.

----

What i really want at this point forward is to make clear all my bounderies - and see if she agrees to them - otherwise i see no point in starting a realtionship at all - which was why i wanted to see what she does first.

Bob Bates

 

[bobbates]

@ theexception. It's not what has she done to warrant mistrust.

It's what has she done to try and earn his trust.

In this case - nothing.

What should she be doing to try and earn my trust?

 

[The_411]

It's simple people will do what you allow them to do. Same applies especially to women.

One you get involved with a woman always start with the assumption she's a one off, never start with the she could be the one garbage. Once you go down that road you're creating expectations and you are now outcome dependent.

Trust is simple. If a woman is really into to you she's going to follow your rules, especially if she knows you are willing to walk at anytime.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

What should she be doing to try and earn my trust?

The disconcerting thing in this whole situation actually has nothing to do with this girl and has everything to do with you.

You seem to be negotiating with yourself in reality.

You KNOW without a doubt, that she is not a high quality girl because these glaring red flags are SCREAMMMMMMMING @you, that's why you made this post in the first place.

Yet you seem to think that if you give her an opportunity that she will suddenly 180 & change her current behavior.

She won't.

You asked what she should be doing to earn your trust? - More or less the opposite of what she has been doing currently.

I'm sure she has some good qualities that you didn't mention, but ask yourself how she would react if you were hanging out with a chick you use to bang.

Time for you to man up & respect yourself.












PIMP

 

[LorenzoVonM]

I would next her on talking like an illiterate 7th grader alone. While you seem to speak like an educated person. I don't get it.

Other than that. NEXT. Don't try to change people, because people don't change. Take them for what they are or not at all. If you get in a relationship with this girl she might be good for a little bit, but once the newness wears off forget about it. She will stress the fvck out of you and you will be in so deep that you won't want to cut it off. You will be wasting your life and damaging yourself mentally. NEXT. NOW.

My ex was a giant hypocrite. It will drive you up a wall. Believe me. NEXT. NOW.

 

[Jair213]

Danger nailed it.

 

[May_Day]

How hard is it to get a new girlfriend without all the drama?

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

Exception, your first post was spot on, you have a way of breaking things down. Danger, good stuff. Pimp, as always, you're money.

The bottom line, like Danger pointed out, this chick does not respect the relationship. She basically does what she wants while the OP is a glorified orbiter who gets to have sex with her and SAY he's in a relationship.

If she respected the relationship, for fear of losing the OP, she would not hang around her ex's. These ex's are hanging around with her for one reason, in the hopes of one day they get to slip and fall and their d1ck accidentally goes into her vagina. she knows this and likes it. They want her and it's either a power/attention thing or she likes to have back up in case the OP continues to show AFC behavior.

It hurt reading the part about how they can only give her a ride as long as you're on the phone with her. Dude, you're not her father. That is as AFC as it gets.

My advice: tell her to do whatever the fvck she wants. Then grab your nutsack and start acting like a man. Go out with friends, meet other girls (you don't have to date them). Break contact with her for a few days at a time. If she starts coming after you and professing her commitment to you ON HER OWN, without you forcing her to say it, and through her actions, she is showing a commitment to only you. Then she has earned the right to an exclusive relationship with you. And only then.

You can't tell a girl how to feel and what to do. That's what girls do to guys, as was pointed out earlier. You can't make them want to do something. They need to want it themselves. To feel that way on their own. Best way to do that, be a man. If she starts a behavior that you're not okay with, it's okay to mention it, but don't tell her what to do, instead start to drift, do your own thing for a while. She'll either wisen up or, through her actions, you'll be 100% assured that your making a good decision by nexting her.

Then you'll know you gave a concerted effort, you're the better person, she's not the one for you. Time to move on.

 

[Jair213]

It hurt reading the part about how they can only give her a ride as long as you're on the phone with her.

damn i missseddd that i seriously LOL'ed at that. damnnn this chick owns the OP in everyway possible.

 

[bobbates]

It's really not funny.

And the being on the phone thing was her idea not mine.

----

Look i know all this - I know she owns me atm - i know im afc - i know i should next her.

----

OK now thats out the way...

it used to be the other way around - she was chasing me - I was the one in charge.

something happend to switch it (prob me i know)

----

If it was there once surly theres a way to turn it that way again?

Its not that hard for me to just walk if i wanted to - and im already deciding whether to or not.

----

THATS why im bringing all this stuff up to her - I am on the verge of walking away - and it will be HER loss - mine as well but not so much.

before i did that though i wanted to give her a chance to be with me properlly before she looses me for good.

-----

anyway i said i am not happy with being with a girl who is mates with ANY guy she has ever slept with - and if she cant accept that - then we wont get together - simple.

-------

she said she will stop talking to those 2 - but wants to stay friends with her most recent ex tho.

i was like no - and if you do that we wont get together - its all or nothing.

--------

She knows where I stand now - so ill see what she says later.

--------

Try not to judge me too much - you say im insecure - and then you laugh at me about it. - real nice.

---------

This is my standard - and will be with any girl.

Been there done that and it didnt end well.

----------

She either goes with it and is with me - or she dont and shes gone - but wanted to at least give her the choice lol

Bob Bates

 

[Purefilth]

Bobbates
here Buddy read this.

"Where did I go wrong?"The Sh*t test that everyone fails

One of the threads that I hold In the highest regard and I believe will help you.

 

[cordoncordon]

I'm going to break it down for you really simply.

1. People don't change. People can alter their behavior for a short while, but in the end they will always revert back to the arithmetic mean.

2. She does not believe you for a second when you say you are willing to walk away if she doesn't change. So stop saying it. Do. Or do not do.

3. She has a bigtime thing for this ex fling guy. You know it. She knows it. Bozo the clown knows it. If this fling guy ever told her he wanted to get serious with her? She would drop you in a second. Do you always want that hanging over your head? I don't think so.

4. That text convo was brutal. So many "babes" and cutesy names. And having her be on the phone when she gets a ride home from these guys? Is this girl in the 3rd grade? Are you? Is this real life? Is this how mature, grown adults act? NO. Are relationships this difficult? NO. And you were doing 90% of the talking. Almost as if you were negotiating with someone from a position of weakness, which you are. Why? Because she cares about the relationship less than you do.

5. IF she had any respect for you and the relationship, she would stop talking to these guys because A) she knows how much it bothers you, and B) because it's just the right thing to do. When I met my fiance, first thing she did when ex's contacted her was to tell them she is in a relationship that she respects and to no longer contact her. End of problem. Stop wasting valuable time, effort, and energy on people who do not respect you and start spending valuable time, effort, and energy on people who do respect you so you can return that respect in kind. Life is too short to waste time on people who do not appreciate you.

In the end, having a relationship with this woman would be a never ending stress fest of wondering, confusion, drama, and unhappiness. You will never truly be able to be at peace because you will always be wondering what she is doing, who she is talking to, where she is. Does that sound like a happy relationship to you? One that will better your life? No it doesn't.

Walk away. End any and all contact. And if, IF she happens to show up at your door pleading for another chance with the words that she will end all contact with her ex's? Then maybe, and I say maybe use her as a FWB until she can prove that she really has done that. But seeing as you are so emotionally involved already, that may be very hard for you to do. But I will leave that up to you.

Good luck.

 

[bobbates]

Someone shoot me now - this cant be happining!

My friend who i fancy like mad - says she wants to come round and **** me - and im having to say no cos of this girl!

This isnt a joke - omg im a total fool for not doing it right?

I repeat this is not a drill!!!!

 

[bobbates]

no eleberation - i feel like im in a morel dilema now - i cant just do it on the basis of - just do it - i want to a lot but something is stopping me

 

[zekko]

It is neither. People will tell you that you can always "walk away if she cheats". This is akin to saying, if your investment goes sour, just sell what you have left and start over. The wiser of us out there will tell you, don't take risky investments to begin with.

That's really all that needs to be said.