Girl is friends with exs? (Very Long but needed :( )

[bobbates]

Hi,

I am not really sure what to do in this situation...

Its looking like me and a girl are on the verge of getting together offically (I dont want to get into the details of that though).

But instead of just jumping into a relationship with problems i can see - I want to try and talk them out and solve them before actually making it offical.

(Unlike what i used to do - jump in - then try and fix the problems - not a good idea to me anymore)


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Basiclly she has a habit of keeping ex boyfriends as friends - and its really starting to bug me a lot.

1 of them was just a fling (and was a fwb no matter how its spun)


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I know this looks like i dont trust her with other guys (tbh im not sure if i can or not but it does seem to be going the right way)



However...


Her staying friends with this guy really doesnt sit right with me - esp after our "talk" about it last night (which I will show you at the bottom of this post...)


As it stands - i outright said do what you want until we are together properlly - but then it stops completlly - all of the guys you have slept with - otherwise I cant get with you at all.

We came to some sort of comprimise (my idea) - in which i said i would probablly be ok about it all:

She never meets with him alone (but how long until its "accidental" - and "didnt want to be rude") - Or just doesnt tell me.

Also if she ever gets a lift off them - because its pouring of rain - she is to be on the phone to me the whole time (her idea - because i said - then you either use public transport or phone a mate with a car you aint slept with before - she said they aint a taxi service - and they offer)

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I have woke up this morning second guessing myself - in that ideally i want her to just stop talking to them - now if possible - or if not - the day we make it offical.

I have not told her this thought yet and she thinks everything from last night still stands.

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I have come to the conclusion though I dont think I will ever be ok with it - and so it either has to stop - or theres no way im getting with her.


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Also wait till you see some of the things she said about him... (and another ex)...


So like i say how to i say now im not happy with it once we get together and want her to stop talking to them if we do get together (anything less is just bs - as you will say when you read the convo)

But i dont want to come across as controling or insecure - cos tbh i am basing it on reality - and its risky her doing that...


(any help or suggestions will be very good - but no - just drop her - I at least want to give her a chance to have me lol - IF she doesnt do it - at least when we are toghether - THEN i will 100% drop her - ill have to)


WARNING - A lot of this is going to sound very beta and afc - its because tbh - I am still - but im working on it slowly! and i also wanted to try and get her to see this from my side. (Just wanted to let you know that i know i made a lot of mistakes in it)

(I had also brought this stuff up a little before - but this was the first serious talk - she already knew i had some slight issues with it (but now they are big ones - so i had this talk with her...)


The convo... (next post...)

 

[bobbates]

(Sorry about the terrable grammer in the following convo!)


****************** The convo... (LONG) *************
(ME = Normal Text / HER = Itacilcs / BOLD = WTF!)
******************



ME: so whats the deal with <FLING GUY>? lol x


HER: babes wot u want to no if i still like him more then a freind ? x


ME: yeah and the truth cos i can sense if its not


HER: right ffs here goes ur gonner go well mad ! right basically the fling we had its not like that now but we are still pretty close . not sleeping with him x


ME: what then?


HER: like wen we see eachother we hug to say hello and he kisses me on the cheek wen ime going and says like take care x


ME: what i wanna know is how u feel about him and if u still think he is sexy
HER: nothing for him hun just i do thinnk hes fit yeh he is but i wuldent go near him i dont like him in that way

ME: right thank you for being honest with me and im not gonna go mad but i think you are gonna have to decide whats more important us or him cos i wont be able to accept that in our life babe its too much for any relationship x

HER: accept what ? x

ME: cos 1) you slept with him before
and 2) you still think hes fit
and 3) he prob wants more than mates and / or thinks your fit still too
xxx
either way it dont matter - cant accept you talking to him once we are together if im honest
xx

HER: think the main reason is coz ive slept with him aint it !

ME: pretty much yeah sorry to say but it changes everything xx
i know it was a mistake but thats what happens with mistakes - they can last into the present too lol x
oh and also <EX BF> too btw

i aint comftable with you being mates with any guys you have slept with and still want you tbh cos if it was the other way round as well
- and i was mates with a girl who was overtly flirting / or saying she wants to be with me id expect u to not be happy with that and i would also stop it xx

so its fine while ur not with me babe but if we do get together properlly they will have to go babe x 100%
or i just wont even get into a relationship not saying it to be horrable just saying what i can and cant cope with and would be deal breakers tbh x

i mean its upto you but i cant live my life worrying about guys uve been intermate with who ur now friends with its too much and i want to feel secure in a relationship not worrying all the time x

HER: the only thing is tho i littlrey am gonner find it hard to do that coz both of them have been there for me since god knows wen well wen my ex started it all with me


ME: yeah i know but realisticlly they are doing it out of a hope ur sleep with them again one day and deep down u know it xx
even if they aint babe no-one is saying u have to do that but theres no way i cud ever be with u while u are xx

i wouldnt with any girl i aint even saying do it now as much as i do want that lol im saying if you ever get to the day ur sure u wanna be just us properlly then u will have to otherwise yeah i cant babe x

tbh babe i wouldnt go meeting any girl ive slept with - friends or not or however long while i was with you and i expect the same back tbh babe cos enough of the games and arguments now with everything
- basiclly the way i see it is this... if we are really gonna be together then we have gotta sort this **** out - which means serious talks like this lol x

i know their crap but - u know lol i aint having our relationship built on rocky ground so we will have to both have some give and take. ive tried to be ok with it i really have and i can just about manage you being mates with loads of guys but i can just about. the ones uve slept with before i just cant xxx
but i did try like i say
xxx

so yeah it will have to defo be either us or them in the end - not saying that in a competitive way or nothing just more cant deal with it at all and wont be happy with us if it went on after

and i know it sounds like i dont trust u - tbh babe i do loads compared to before but its not really even about that its just i cant help feeling the way i do about them and you - no matter what i do so - really its about do
you really wanna put me through that all the time by staying mates with them after we get together just u know aint all about trust babe xx


HER: i no i just wish i didnt do it with <FLING GUY> then he wuld be ok <EX BF> i can deal with hes just <EX BF> .. <FLING GUY> is so diffrent


ME: yeah but hes still putting pressure on us babe x lol well what did u mean by we are close? lol x in detail


HER: like just i tell him stuff i dont tell no one elz like now ime on msn he will say u ok hun ill be like yeh just got bad belly ach he will say oh that time for u again take it easy dont stress out and if u ever need to talk u have my number thats it


ME: right babe so does he ever at all even mention bout you being pretty or anything at all "flirty"? truth babe cos i know there must be some most ppl do i just wanna know what he says so i can see how bad it is or not lol x
and also it really dont help u still think he is fit so what happens if ur ever well drunk - ur alone with him and ur lonely and u think hes fit- its just risky as hell
babe i know u say no now but in the moment and it feels "right" u wont be able to not 100% which is why i cant babe


HER: i wuldent do it lonley or not

ME: its just a really risky situation

HER: i wuldent do it, tbh with ya <HOME TOWN> is a place full of girls nd guys but if u asked any girl if they thought <FLING GUY> was fit they wuld say yes defo, hes like that x

ME: yeah but thats well bad that you think he is fit!

HER: he does go gym every day, hes just a lad i no nothink more thats all

ME: yeah one u think is sexy and who likes u too! omg babe cant u see how risky that is?

HER: tbh with ya i wuldent care bout leaving him out of my life but it feels like u dont trust me ! with him and i feel like i have to prove to u


ME: i do 99% of the time but it only takes that 1% and then u **** him cos of whatever reason know what i mean?

HER: i dont care what he thinks of me now were done, i dont fancy him x

ME: its basiclly putting urself in the way of temptation its not that its that its just really bad for ur current relationship to keep ppl u have slept with as mates lol x

but saying that... its not that black and white cos what really makes it feel not ok is... the meeting alone with him if you met him with someone else each time or even better - me then tbh i wudnt have a problem with it and wudnt say stop talking to him

but other than that i cant do it babe not at all. right yeah babe like i say i feel like i cant deal with u being mates with them at all but - i think i really could if i knew you never met alone with them

(even if that means taking a mate) - and i get to also meet him otherwise im gonna have to say i cant have u talking to him - so least that way u can still and its nowhere near as bad for us

ME: so what you say babe? we can meet half way on this one lol and that also means no lifts unless someones with u from him or <EX BF> lol but if u feel u can do that then u can still talk to them and even see them

HER: ok hun but lifts i mean wot if its chucking it down out side nd he offers me a lift i cnt say <HER MANAGEER> or some one come with me

ME: then u have to say no cos i cant on our own and ring <FRIEND> or <HER SISTERS BF>

HER: noo cnt ring them hun its not a taxi service!

ME: lol but they are?

HER: ill do u a deal everytime i get a lift of them i will ring u and stay on the phone to u untill ime home ! x

ME: ok babe we can do that then if u do it every time cos one time u dont and its off babe and will be no more lifts alone xx

HER: right ok x

ME: haha right ok im happy with that deal all of it and u get to still see / talk to them but as i say babe one slip up and u know what it means lol x

****************** END OF CONVO...*************

i am at a loss - shes either full of crap and knows it - full of crap and dont know it - or she really does just see him as a mate (but defo not fully)

i think one of the first two comes to mind - and a whole lot of other stuff.

Anyway where do I go from here now? - it looks very bad to me - and i would prefer it is she put me and her first even if it is innocet (now) - i dont think its all innocent now - so how do i go about this in a good way?

Thank you for your help - I really really need it!

Bob Bates

 

[Purefilth]

Mate. When you smell shiit dont go looking to see if theres roses growing out of it, just scrape your boots and walk away.


Basically if you tell her that you arent comfortable with her having these guys around and she ignores your wishes then pick your azz up and leave her. Since youre new here, ill reccoment that you scroll down to the bottom of the page, click the link that says The DJ Bible and start reading.


tl;dr - she's a tramp and has no respect for you if she isnt willing to drop contact with her past relationships after youve expressed your miscomfort with the situation.

 

[TheException]

she's a tramp and has no respect for you if she isnt willing to drop contact with her past relationships after youve expressed your miscomfort with the situation.

You cant be saying stuff like this filth^

Usually I agree with you, but its like your putting a temporary band aid on OP's problem. Could she be a s1ut and wants to keep the other guys around for sexual interests? Sure........BUT theres a wayyyy bigger issue here and thats OP's insecurities. This girl as far as Im concerned is irrelevant and the only reason there is any problems is because of OP.

Basiclly she has a habit of keeping ex boyfriends as friends


Typical female behavior pal. Girls tend to turn their ex boyfriends into AFC chumps and love to dangle the "possibility" of sex one day right in their faces. She never really is going to give it to them, and even if she WAS still attracted to them....their AFC behavior kills it.

I know this looks like i dont trust her with other guys (tbh im not sure if i can or not but it does seem to be going the right way)

Well then look pal....dont date her. You should never be dating someone you dont trust. The real problem isnt being able to trust her though....the real problem is your FEAR of her cheating with an ex. Its an unfound fear, and its making you act like an overprotective chump. You have to realize hot women are going to have ex boyfriends or orbiters sitting in the background just waiting to pounce on her for sex again. You need to learn to date women fearlessly and quit worrying about "what if's".....one rule: IF SHE CHEATS....SHES DONE.

Her staying friends with this guy really doesnt sit right with me - esp after our "talk" about it last night

Jesus christ....theres one thing that makes me just shake my head in utter embarrassment for a guy and that's having a "problem solving talk". Total female behavior and nothing ever comes from it but more things to feed your fear. Women are not logical...their emotional. Beating them over the head with facts "during a talk" doesnt do sh1t. Dont ever do it again.

I have come to the conclusion though I dont think I will ever be ok with it - and so it either has to stop - or theres no way im getting with her.

You can fool yourself...but from what Ive read...its not going to be up to you. You say you wont date this girl if "xyz" but Im seeing zero evidence of withdrawing attention, being dominant, etc with her. Youll go into this relationship no matter what as evidenced by "any help or suggestions will be very good - but no - just drop her - I at least want to give her a chance"

THE CONVERSATION

Utterly embarrassing. You did 80% of the talking while she probably listened to about 10% of it. She responded laconicly(like you should be doing) and really in the end didnt give a sh1t about your insecurities and why should she? You filled it with lots of "babes" and other supplicating "pet names" and I reckon your attraction definitely declined.

So look pal...you got two options.
1.)Read, learn, live life and get over your insecurities and fear and date the girl(if shes still interested after all of this)
2.)Dont date her and read, learn, live life.

Up to you. Either way you need to improve yourself. Ill be the first to call out a girl for s1utty behavior....but when she's getting rides home from then and not "hanging out at his house"...shes clearly using his a$$ for attention/perks. Your insecurities have clouded this whole thing and from the get go had youd played it cool and with indifference to all the guys....she would be so attracted to you that she would have zero interest in banging any other guy but you.

 

[PlayHer Man]

To the OP and anyone else who reads this thread --> You should NEVER have to analyze a relationship this much. Never EVER.

If you're doing this much analysis.. then you are in full blown oneitis beta faggot territory. Sorry.

Relationships with women are simple:

- You meet 'em
- You try to f*ck 'em
- You date 'em and f*ck 'em some more
- They either fall in love or dump you
- Repeat

That's really as complex as it should ever get for a man. Now.. if you think she is mother material and want her to have your kids.. you make sure she is a practical choice and comes from good genetic stock. Find out what runs in her family.. cancer, mental illness, etc.

Leave the emos for the homos. Let the girl analyze the relationship to death.. a MAN has more important things to do.

 

[SamTheHobit]

To the OP and anyone else who reads this thread --> You should NEVER have to analyze a relationship this much. Never EVER.

If you're doing this much analysis.. then you are in full blown oneitis beta faggot territory. Sorry.

Relationships with women are simple:

- You meet 'em
- You try to f*ck 'em
- You date 'em and f*ck 'em some more
- They either fall in love or dump you
- Repeat

That's really as complex as it should ever get for a man. Now.. if you think she is mother material and want her to have your kids.. you make sure she is a practical choice and comes from good genetic stock. Find out what runs in her family.. cancer, mental illness, etc.

Leave the emos for the homos. Let the girl analyze the relationship to death.. a MAN has more important things to do.

What this guy said.

 

[TheException]

You should NEVER have to analyze a relationship this much. Never EVER.

Normally id agree with you on this....especially if people want to talk about "specifics" of a relationship of when they say "well my situation is unique". That being said...i think its important to point out the "overarching themes" that are presented in OP scenario. Jealousy, FEAR, insecurities, etc. Seeing as he clearly is new....I think it helps him more by explaining a couple main themes and why its detrimental. I NEVER ANALYZE in my relationships and for me its boiled down to sexual escalation or no sexual escalation, like you mentioned....but some guys could use a little explanation on things that we now just take for granted from experience.

 

[Purefilth]

Exception - I did throw in a tl;dr - the bandaid was a direction to the dj bible.
You Have a fair point though - I wont deny that.

 

[Ronaldo7]

Wow. I can't believe that you wrote all that about some hoe, who can easily be replaced with another hoe. You need to self-evaluate how much importance you give to insignificant things.

 

[Epimanes]

When women confide in other men rather than their relationship partner its a slippery slope. She is getting her need for intimate conversation met through her ex. That is an emotional attatchment. Women need 2 things for sex to happen 1. Emotional attatchment and 2. Prospect of enjoyment. Dating is an interview for marriage she is failing big time and has piss poor boundries around men. There should be no contact for life with exes.

 

[Purefilth]

When women confide in other men rather than their relationship partner its a slippery slope. She is getting her need for intimate conversation met through her ex. That is an emotional attatchment. Women need 2 things for sex to happen 1. Emotional attatchment and 2. Prospect of enjoyment. Dating is an interview for marriage she is failing big time and has piss poor boundries around men. There should be no contact for life with exes.

Damn straight - I mean, whats she gonna do? Invite them all to the wedding so you can count how many cawks she's had up in her to make that shiit sloppy and mushy?

 

[TheException]

^^^^Male Shaming Alert


Anti-Fem playing the shaming card = Minority playing the race card.

Its overplayed and rarely applies.

Do not tell yourself you are insecure. This is not the issue, no matter what women will tell you.

The issue is not about trust, it is about respect for the relationship.

Women who respect their men and the relationship, do not keep other men around.

Sounds like your supporting what OP did. I cant fathom reading both of his posts and justifying that.

1.) Lying to yourself is different from "Thought = Reality".
2.) True, but doesnt apply since there is no "relationship".
3.) Sure....whenever a girl enters into an exclusive relationship she is to have no male contact other than the man. No male friends, no gay friend, no orbiters. Nothing. Genius pal...

The entire feminized western civilization will tell you that you are insecure for not tolerating your woman hanging out with other men

Nothing to do with feminized anything. You cant act like a control-tard and expect a girl to agree to your every whim and submit to your every desire. YOU CANT PREVENT WOMEN FROM CHEATING. PERIOD. If a s1uts gonna cheat...shes going to cheat. You could put her in a straitjacket...lock her in a box...and place that box in a vault....and if she wants to cheat, she will Houdini that sh1t and fvck someone anyways. If she cheats...you laugh at her and walk away forever, its that simple.

The fact is, this is a shaming mechanism used by women and their sympathizers in order to keep a level of control over you or to satisfy their need for attention.

Join http://antimisandry.com You would be a valuable asset there. Your grasp of anti feminist vocabulary is amazing. From my understanding SS is here to help men better themselves...not complain about how women seek to control the world.

Bottom line: Never be afraid of your standards when it comes to women. You are a rock and she and the rest of feminized society are the storm that will howl and rain on you, but you must stand firm. Your life, your rules.

Really good advice^

I agree 100% but you gotta be realistic. If my standards are that she must give me 23 bl0wjobs a week, give me 12 massages, and she is to stay locked up in a house and only I can see her....the standards are no good. Savy?

Women need 2 things for sex to happen 1. Emotional attatchment and 2. Prospect of enjoyment. Dating is an interview for marriage she is failing big time and has piss poor boundries around men. There should be no contact for life with exes.

Forgetting Numbero Uno reason....HIGH LEVEL OF ATTRACTION. "Prospect of enjoyment" is super generic. Sex is fun...so anytime sex is on the table, according to you, that would count as #2. If that was the case, every nice guy in the world would be knee deep in vag1na because lord knows they have enough emotional attachment for the rest of us. If a woman is 90% interested in her boyfriend....she wouldnt cheat on him for an ex thats hovering around 60%(because hes been AFC trying to get back with her)....even if she has a past and emotions tied to him.

 

[bobbates]

If I say anything at all she will just turn it back around to excuses and bs - I need a way around that - like just say one thing then have it so she cant twist it into her girl world?

I mean im thinking of just saying - fix it or i walk. to her.

tbh im fed up of guys being expected to do all the work and changing in a reltionship - and never bringing up problems.


I'm not looking to be with girls who play games - and do things that will damage the relationship - I am attempting to guide her - but if she does not follow I will find a girl who is on my level.

yes im insecure (and no wonder when girls constantlly pull this ****) i openly admit it - but the way I see it if a girl wants to be with me without the games - then it wont even matter - nor would she do things to rock the boat.

If there is no girl out there that does that then - im done with them all tbh emotionally - and I will be fully on the dark side.

bob bates

 

[TheException]

And now more insults.
Yet more personal attacks from you
This is no different, not matter how much pouting and name-calling you want to engage in.

Before I address your points, Im going to get this out of the way...

If you want to have a conversation Im game. But Im not going to entertain your accusations of being "too mean" or insulting. Grow some tougher skin would ya...I dont even know in the following what you consider to be the insult:

Nothing to do with feminized anything. You cant act like a control-tard and expect a girl to agree to your every whim and submit to your every desire. YOU CANT PREVENT WOMEN FROM CHEATING. PERIOD. If a s1uts gonna cheat...shes going to cheat. You could put her in a straitjacket...lock her in a box...and place that box in a vault....and if she wants to cheat, she will Houdini that sh1t and fvck someone anyways. If she cheats...you laugh at her and walk away forever, its that simple.

Point addressed? Good. So onto the discussion shall we...

1.Swallowing your standards is lying to yourself. The reality stands that her retaining such connections is disrespectful to both the OP and the relationship.
2. He is considering her for a relationship, thus it absolutely applies.
3. Ah, the extrapolation done by feminized thinking. You cannot refute my point so you have to equate it to shaming and "no male contact whatsoever". Surely you can do better?? This sort of response is basically an admission of failure on your part.

1.) Standards are not set in stone. I sure have changed by standards over time...some things more strict, some less strict. Standards can be in constant flux depending upon your mindset at the time. What I am suggesting is that, the OP standards(and yours) are irrational. They are based in fear and have no REAL consequences. A girl that gets "a ride home" from a guy DOES NOT automatically mean shes going to blow him. Its completely unrealistic(perhaps besides an emotionally fvcked up woman) to expect a girl to have no interaction with members of the opposite sex....especially if she's attractive. Its going to happen. And at the end of the day, what determines whether she cheats or not is WHAT YOU DO...not what BARRIERS you try to place.

2.) I see you point and I will yield that. But be aware that you are expecting her to "respect the relationship" when she has yet to agree to those standards...

3.) Its not feminized thinking...its my thinking. Im attempting to show you how incompetent your view point is. Extreme examples...sure, but the premise is still true. "No Male contact" is what you advocated is it not? "DO NOT KEEP OTHER MEN AROUND"....sounds like it to me.

This is pure shaming language, for having a standard that a girl does not cavort around with other men and certainly not with ex's.

And your standard is because you FEAR her cheating. You can frame it behind the pretense that "its disrespectful" but in the end thats not what its about.

But again, this is not about cheating.....this is about respect for the OP and the relationship.

It shouldnt be about cheating, but why else would you deny your girlfriend from hanging out with guys except for the fact that you fear her cheating or a guy to try to sexually advance upon her?

Yes, you walk away if she cheats, but most of the battle is at the SCREENING level. That way you don't have to deal with the bull$hit to start with. Yes, walk away from cheaters, but moreso- screen and walk away from the highest potential cheaters from the start.

100% agree^

And re-read it. You said earlier its not about cheating, its about respect. Thats not the argument your making. You are essentially saying that a man should have standards that "limit his girlfriend's exposure to other men...in hope that it prevents cheating"....and your throwing it under the guise of "respect".

It is widely known here that women with a lot of male friends are high-risk. This is no different, not matter how much pouting and name-calling you want to engage in.

I dont agree with that so cast me into the non "widely known category". Some of the women ive dated have been extremely popular with both girls and guys. Its no more high risk than the girls ive dated who WERE NOT POPULAR. Again your high risk = high risk of CHEATING. Cheating has more to do with the guy the woman in question is dating(majority of time, casting out wh0res/s1uts as an extreme) rather than other guys hitting on her. Its always risk vs reward. We are practically making a similar argument but Im stressing the opposite side.

You = Woman's interest in other high valued guys should be limited
Me = Woman's interest in boyfriend should be high enough to prevent her from ever cheating aka her investment should outweight any ONS.

Savy?

The standards that she isn't cavorting with other men and certainly not exes is more than reasonable.

Theres not enough evidence to support thats going on here. "Getting a ride home" doesnt quite send off bells and whistle like "hanging out at my ex's house" does.

"I can't take you seriously as long as you are hanging around with other men".

Insecure statment^ (10 bucks you call it shaming in your response)

Imagine the other way around...if a woman i were dating were to say that to me...do you think id take it seriously? No id avoid and treat it like a sh1t test. When you say that to a woman shes going to rationalize it to herself. Cognitive dissonance. She wont convince herself she is wrong for having guy friends or amassing attention from beta ex's...what she ll do is rationalize that the guy is being overprotective and needs to chill out or else she ll lose attraction for him.

 

[TheException]

I regret if you feel this is getting off topic OP, but its important to have these discussions when they pop up. Im sure you understand...

If I say anything at all she will just turn it back around to excuses and bs - I need a way around that - like just say one thing then have it so she cant twist it into her girl world?

I mentioned this in my response above to danger...cognitive dissonance. She will most definitely turn it around on you. There is not logical arguments to be made against a woman. So either she fits your standards...or she doesnt. There is not "getting her to respect them". So either walk away or change your standards(because you want to, not because of the girl).

I mean im thinking of just saying - fix it or i walk. to her.


Dont say it...just do it. Dont give a woman an ultimatum, they never work.

tbh im fed up of guys being expected to do all the work and changing in a reltionship - and never bringing up problems.

I dont think you should change at all...FOR THE RELATIONSHIP. You can change for YOURSELF...but never because someone else wants you to...not even because I advised you to. You change because you read something, learn something, or experience something and decide YOU WANT TO CHANGE.

I'm not looking to be with girls who play games - and do things that will damage the relationship - I am attempting to guide her - but if she does not follow I will find a girl who is on my level.

Girls that dont atleast engage in sh1t tests/jealously tests = EXTINCT. Society has changed and so has women. Its part of their subconscious and once your recognize it and learn how to properly handle it...it actually becomes funny.

yes im insecure (and no wonder when girls constantlly pull this ****) i openly admit it

Thats fine, but nothing says you have to remain insecure. Now you know what to change if you desire so. Start internalizing the "prize mentality" and the rest will take care of itself.

 

[bobbates]

Haha the irony is - i cant flirt or talk to other girls without her having a mad fit - let alone an ex!

ok lets assume i dont trust her with him (which im not sure i do! i admited this openly)

But even IF it is all 100% innocent - It still shows disrespect (or something) as well..

Putting him first and staying mate (knowing how much it hurts the relationship - says volumes to me about where she places it priority wise)

I on the other hand - without even being asked - stopped talking to my ex's - deleted all my online dating profiles (well about 2 i had so not loads) - and now dont tolerate any flirting from girls - and put me and her FIRST every time.

- she on the other hand thinks she can just act single - and strain everything even when with someone.

Im not saying its not about trust - im saying its not JUST about trust - and saying - it comes down to that - is kinda ignoring all the other issues.


even if you trusted your girl 150% would it not feel disrespectful (or something) to you - and the relationship?

I felt like it would be if i carried on talking to ex's and what not - and i KNOW i would never cheat on a girl - but I still did it out of respect for her feelings and our relationship.

but long as you trust her right?

--------

also it aint just "lifts" its also - meeting up alone sometimes to go shopping - feels like a date to me - and giggles when she says his name a lot - and also - what about all the bold parts of the convo?

- we are still pretty close (after the fling) (Prob more than normal friends now they have slept together!

- we hug to say hello and he kisses me on the cheek wen ime going (not sure if this is netrual or not)

- i do thinnk hes fit yeh he is (no comment)

- he is so diffrent (wow!)

- i tell him stuff i dont tell no one elz (yeah i bet)

- my home town is a place full of girls nd guys but if u asked any girl if they thought he was fit they wuld say yes defo (pre-selection)

- he does go gym every day (again dont know...)

------------

I cant help feeling not doing anything is burying my head in the sand.

Maybe sometimes it is innocent and from a place of fear - but even after the bold parts - that she said! - come on?

Basiclly it comes down to this - I wont be able to tolerate it once im with her - so is there any way at all to now go back on the "deal" i made her about still seeing him.

Without me looking bad - and with her actually doing something about it?

Otherwise I will just end up rowing again with her - or - walking away.

I at least want to TRY and sort it before i just go.

Bob Bates

 

[ludis]

Bobbates, something tells me that you already know the answer to this but you' re having a hard time accepting it and making a decision.

You need to detach emotionally asap and let your mind take control.

After breaking up a couple of weeks ago from a female (i won't call her a woman, because she's not yet) that displayed the exact same red flags that are setting off your worries, i feel obliged to tell you that you need to distance yourself from this girl.

I bet my rarest Bukowski book that she's not even able to follow your lead about this matter even if she wanted to. Ofcourse, she could give it a try but it would all be pretence.

I would keep her only as **** buddy and only on my own terms.



@TheException

Using personal attacks as arguments qualifies as a logical fallacy.
Since when is critical thinking (a primarily male attribute) considered as complaining?
You wouldn't want to side with the irrationals, would you now?




For she is wise, if i can judge of her,
And fair she is, if that mine eyes be true,
And true she is, as she hath prov'd herself;
And therefore, like herself, wise, fair, and true
Shall she be placed in my constant soul

The Merchant of Venice

 

[PlayHer Man]

The Exception, you are a keyboard jockey. Anyone who has dated around knows that the OPs girl is not to be trusted. Yet you shame him for not trusting her and being "insecure"? Why not just get a new b1tch? Why date wh0res and then dump her when you get a STD or you find out the kid isn't yours? Lol.

The OP is guilty of overanalysis, which shows insecurity IN HIS ABILITY TO SCREEN WOMEN AND CUT THIS LOW QUALITY HO OFF. NOT because he should give every chick the benefit of the doubt.

SPOT ON.

The OP is not happy with this woman but he doesn't have the balls to walk away because he thinks he has no better option. The risk of losing access to p*ssy is too much for him. Over-valuing and not spinning plates like he should :nono:

When you don't fear losing access to ONE woman.. you are free to behave however you want and make whatever rules you want. The OP is clearly p*ssy-whipped and completely under this b!tches control. The mere fact that he wants to play head games and engage in manipulation to get this way is a perfect testament to how much control he has already lost.

 

[bobbates]

I do fully admit all that...

But - I just want to see if she can - least then when i look back on it - i can say i tried everything before i walked.

But beleve me I am starting to see the light - and am backing away a bit (tbh its pushing me away a lot)

Just wanted to let her have a chance to prove she can be different.

Waste of time prob I know, but I am like that - dont know why!

 

[Jaylan]

Dont date women who remain in contact with exes. Its always drama. Nuff said.