GF texting multiple times every day

[Huffman]

Hi all, so I finally got myself in a LTR with a girl who is all I'm looking for. For 6 months now everything has been good, great even. We seem to be a really good match. We do lots of fun stuff together, I hold the power in the relationship and she's happy to please, never throws a tantrum, nothing!

But recently something irritating has happened and I'm not sure how to best go about it. I never buy her anything or stuff, but on Valentine's day I had her over and made a nice dinner for the two of us. You know, just this once. And after that she's suddenly become clingy! She texts me multiple times a day and since I, out of habit, don't reply until evening she texts more and more "everything OK with you?"

This is starting to be a major turn off, in fact everything was awesome for 6 months in a row, until that day, and now she's suddenly all clingy and insecure. I feel pressured by her expectation that I'd be available to talk so much, which I've never been in the past. I don't want to hear every detail every day, I want to see you on the weekend and then we have a great time.

I know I've got to set her straight or else this might develop into a serious problem. But I'm not sure how to tell her "I don't want to talk / see you that often" without sounding like I don't love her. Because I do! But I want to keep it exciting, because life is too short to talk abut mundane stuff every day.

 

[Huffman]

By the way, not sure if it's important but I've never said "I love you" before, and I also didn't say it on Valentine's day. She might have been waiting for it but she's gotta say it first.

 

[Roober]

It is a tough one. When you are in an LTR, you are likely going to communicate at least a bit every day. I had this with an ex, and I feel like overcommunication can kill the mysetery/spark in the relationship. She would call each morning, when she left work, and at night before bed. Looking back, I should have nipped it early.

The whole concept of talking and texting is a bit tricky and I struggle with it myself. You hear some couples who talk tons and get along well. Others don't talk nearly as much, and do well too. I guess it is a matter of what people are comfortable with and whether or not they are willing to accept that. It may require some compromise on your part, but is likely that she needs to compromise too.

I would say talk with her... not really sure how to tell her "I don't want to talk to you that much" without coming accross as an @$$.

Was the precedent set? Did you guys talk a lot before and the attitude changed?

 

[backseatjuan]

LTR is when you live together, meeting on weekends is FB. She is trying to feel what this relationship is and where it is going.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

It is a tough one. When you are in an LTR, you are likely going to communicate at least a bit every day. I had this with an ex, and I feel like overcommunication can kill the mysetery/spark in the relationship. She would call each morning, when she left work, and at night before bed. Looking back, I should have nipped it early.

The whole concept of talking and texting is a bit tricky and I struggle with it myself. You hear some couples who talk tons and get along well. Others don't talk nearly as much, and do well too. I guess it is a matter of what people are comfortable with and whether or not they are willing to accept that. It may require some compromise on your part, but is likely that she needs to compromise too.

I would say talk with her... not really sure how to tell her "I don't want to talk to you that much" without coming accross as an @$$.

Was the precedent set? Did you guys talk a lot before and the attitude changed?

How would you feel if you and her didn't talk that much. But there was a guy that she talked to 90% more than you. She talked to him about everything that she didn't talk to you about. And she would be into the moment with him, juiced up in excitement of their convos? Would that bother you?

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Do not change your behaviour. You must weather the storm. She is in love with you, even if she's not saying it. The reason for this is because you have acted like a desirable man up until now, and not because she wants you to change that behaviour.

My guess is she either was expecting something from you on VD or something switched for her on that day. Whatever it is, she's now scared of losing you; it's a nice problem to have. But the side-effects can be annoying. All of a sudden, she has realised that she has given herself and power over to you completely.

Weather her emotions like a man. Don't engage with them. Just answer her questions rationally and calmly.

Continue to show her that you care, rather than explicating. Some self-sabotaging side, deep within her hamster wheel mind wants you to fck up, to go all soft on her, so that she doesn't have to be scared of losing you anymore.

Sounds like she's just hooked on you man

[Beware it's a fine balance; women do have a tendency to literally sabotage a good thing, for the sake of preventing their own hearts from breaking. Only you will know how mentally and emotionally stable she is in general.]

 

[3agle 3yes]

I've been in this situation before and this is what I did.

Tease her about it, "You're starting to sound like my wife" etc, or don't give her a serious answer to "how has your day been?".

 

[SmooveMooves]

"We don't need to talk every minute of everyday. That's how good things get old fast."

She will be pissed. Furious. She'll tell her friends what kind of jerk you are. She'll say you don't care about her. Let her cool off. When she comes back trying to argue, don't engage. You said what you had to say already. She's not stupid. The next time you meet, do something nice. Flowers, a gift, etc. Tell her you care about her.

After everything rolls over she may still continue to contact more than you'd like but now she won't always expect a reply.

 

[EyeBRollin]

It's not an issue that she's texting you all the time. That's what women in love do, especially ones with little to no self control.

The problem is when they text you stupid ****. Hasty discussions, bad jokes, and just **** that is better off not sent. I just had this issue with my girlfriend of 2 weeks. My interest in her has dropped from 75 to about 50, because she can't put the phone down. Texting kills relationships, period. Bad texts makes the sender look bad. That goes for both men and women.

Don't take any of the texts seriously either. They try to manipulate you by texting anything they can to get a rise out of you. Don't fall for it.

 

[BeExcellent]

First off, good for you. Secondly, this is the reason why as a chick I disagree with the whole "expect her to chase/contact first/initiate" communication & interaction.

Here you have the result of expecting the woman to take on pursuit, which is a masculine role.

Women (when trained in the beginning of a relationship to pursue) then start pursuing...only a woman's pursuit of a man eventually annoys the man & kills attraction because the woman begins to appear needy and insecure through the continued pursuit! The woman having to do the pursuing also creates insecurity in the woman because deep down it is not the natural feminine role. Insecurity results in clingy, needy behavior...again more annoyance!

The only way to curb the behavior is to re-set via a conversation which leaves her confused and uncertain because now you are suddenly changing the rules.

This is why men should do the pursuing and initiation of contact (male role) and allow the woman to respond (female role), from the outset. If men are always initiating and women simply responding then women do not end up annoying the men. It also then becomes a pleasant surprise if the woman does send a sweet message or reach out.

Think of it like obedience training for a dog. You spend 6 months training & reinforcing one behavior (woman pursuing), and then you discover you find the behavior annoying. Now you want less of the behavior you have trained and ingrained. So you reverse course or want different behavior. Think how confused this would make your dog. It's similarly confusing to a person.

For your present situation you have to address the issue. The best way is not to be utterly direct, but rather to say, "You are sweet to reach out and everything is fine, but I am tied up at work (or whatever you want to say) so please allow me to reach out when it's a good time and I will. That way I can focus on xyz and not stress about how things are going. This will really help me relax about how we are doing."

Tailor it to your personality of course but avoid saying directly to stop a behavior you most likely encouraged in the beginning.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[EyeBRollin]

First off, good for you. Secondly, this is the reason why as a chick I disagree with the whole "expect her to chase/contact first/initiate" communication & interaction.

Here you have the result of expecting the woman to take on pursuit, which is a masculine role.

Women (when trained in the beginning of a relationship to pursue) then start pursuing...only a woman's pursuit of a man eventually annoys the man & kills attraction because the woman begins to appear needy and insecure through the continued pursuit! The woman having to do the pursuing also creates insecurity in the woman because deep down it is not the natural feminine role. Insecurity results in clingy, needy behavior...again more annoyance!

The only way to curb the behavior is to re-set via a conversation which leaves her confused and uncertain because now you are suddenly changing the rules.

This is why men should do the pursuing and initiation of contact (male role) and allow the woman to respond (female role), from the outset. If men are always initiating and women simply responding then women do not end up annoying the men. It also then becomes a pleasant surprise if the woman does send a sweet message or reach out.

Think of it like obedience training for a dog. You spend 6 months training & reinforcing one behavior (woman pursuing), and then you discover you find the behavior annoying. Now you want less of the behavior you have trained and ingrained. So you reverse course or want different behavior. Think how confused this would make your dog. It's similarly confusing to a person.

For your present situation you have to address the issue. The best way is not to be utterly direct, but rather to say, "You are sweet to reach out and everything is fine, but I am tied up at work (or whatever you want to say) so please allow me to reach out when it's a good time and I will. That way I can focus on xyz and not stress about how things are going. This will really help me relax about how we are doing."

Tailor it to your personality of course but avoid saying directly to stop a behavior you most likely encouraged in the beginning.

Just my 2 cents.

Your two cents are dangerous to the men on this forum and no man should follow them. Chasing women leads to rejection. It is not "natural" for men to chase women.

 

[guru1000]

Your two cents are dangerous to the men on this forum and no man should follow them. Chasing women leads to rejection. It is not "natural" for men to chase women.

Do not millions of sperms compete/pursue to get into one egg? It's the natural order of things.

Men lead. Women follow. Any deviance from this, run away.

 

[Roober]

How would you feel if you and her didn't talk that much. But there was a guy that she talked to 90% more than you. She talked to him about everything that she didn't talk to you about. And she would be into the moment with him, juiced up in excitement of their convos? Would that bother you?

Ofcourse! But it is a fine balance of how much to communicate between a couple who are not living together. I would much rather hear about her day, etc. when I see her. We don't need to talk everyday. If we do, it doesn't need to be long drawn out conversations.

To be honest, I don't really know where I am on this. It seems like a very fine line to walk. I guess it is a matter of asking yourself, "do you need to tell her about this or that?" Sometimes, it is their way of showing that they care. If you are with a woman that needs that constant communication, several times a day, it is likely that she is going to end up getting nexted because she is insecure and not really my type.

I don't mind talking to someone every day, but I am not convinced it is a good thing... I dunno my point any more...

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Ofcourse! But it is a fine balance of how much to communicate between a couple who are not living together. I would much rather hear about her day, etc. when I see her. We don't need to talk everyday. If we do, it doesn't need to be long drawn out conversations.

To be honest, I don't really know where I am on this. It seems like a very fine line to walk. I guess it is a matter of asking yourself, "do you need to tell her about this or that?" Sometimes, it is their way of showing that they care. If you are with a woman that needs that constant communication, several times a day, it is likely that she is going to end up getting nexted because she is insecure and not really my type.

I don't mind talking to someone every day, but I am not convinced it is a good thing... I dunno my point any more...

Man... They become bonded and more "open" to that one they go to to talk to. So if it's another guy, it's no guarantee that she's just going to "use" him for talking. Plus her "stress free" convos with him since he has no responsibility to her are going to cause you problems when you talk to her.

 

[Roober]

Man... They become bonded and more "open" to that one they go to to talk to. So if it's another guy, it's no guarantee that she's just going to "use" him for talking. Plus her "stress free" convos with him since he has no responsibility to her are going to cause you problems when you talk to her.

So, are you suggesting if a woman wants to talk all the time, then make time for her? Not sure what you are getting at. You are assuming this guy's GF is talking to some other dude as well.

I have had both experiences...
1. My exwife - we only talked when we were together, rarely when apart, other than random little things
2. My exgf - talked all the time, which I thought was cool at the time, but I feel like it killed the relationship with 3 times per day, often 20+ mins each time.

 

[El Payaso]

I hate when girls do that. Especially when they send pointless texts just for the sake of texting you.

Honestly, I'd just be direct with her and tell her that you love her but it's not necessary to have constant all day convos.

If she's a rational woman, she will see the error of her ways and apologize and agree with you. If she's one of those nutters, she will whine, throw a tantrum and huff and puff.

Either way, you will set a good precedent and it will give you some idea of the kind of woman you're dating. It's always best to cut off bad behavior early than to let it become normal. That's when it gets harder to cut off.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

So, are you suggesting if a woman wants to talk all the time, then make time for her? Not sure what you are getting at. You are assuming this guy's GF is talking to some other dude as well.

I have had both experiences...
1. My exwife - we only talked when we were together, rarely when apart, other than random little things
2. My exgf - talked all the time, which I thought was cool at the time, but I feel like it killed the relationship with 3 times per day, often 20+ mins each time.

Other dude is a coworker she feels "comfortable" with. There was not sexual intention at first, but you are so guarded and distant that she feels it's easier and more enjoyable to talk to him. Should she really talk more to other guys than she does you because you don't want to talk too much? I also agree over communicating does dim the fires, especially over texting.

 

[Roober]

I hate when girls do that. Especially when they send pointless texts just for the sake of texting you.

Honestly, I'd just be direct with her and tell her that you love her but it's not necessary to have constant all day convos.

If she's a rational woman, she will see the error of her ways and apologize and agree with you. If she's one of those nutters, she will whine, throw a tantrum and huff and puff.

Either way, you will set a good precedent and it will give you some idea of the kind of woman you're dating. It's always best to cut off bad behavior early than to let it become normal. That's when it gets harder to cut off.

Logical male approach! I like it! My next problem is that I am too direct with my words. I would probably say something like, "I care about you, but I don't want to tlak to you that much", when I really mean what you said...

 

[guru1000]

If you aren't getting rejected on the regular, then you aren't even in the game.

Gold right here.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Look, I have her on ignore. I know how she can't help her mischief.

But you are talking bollocks there.

It's completely natural for men to chase women (initially). We were given 10 times the testosterone for a reason.

If you aren't getting rejected on the regular, then you aren't even in the game. Or you aren't even trying.



Dump any woman that doesn't consider you her alpha. Unless you want to use her for experimentation in set.

We're saying the same thing but you're taking it in the wrong context. Men start the courtship, but attraction in a relationship is strongest when women do most of the pursuing. Chase your girlfriend around and watch how quickly you get dumped.